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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 12:26:03 AM

WingedSnake

Posts: 61
Joined: 2/8/2007
From: Dawn Weyr
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

Snip

How it's normal to Hate..?
Do you've any idea what it's like
when your safety is taken away?
They violated you?

Time...
Time will heal,
but it takes allot of time
so give her a break

Snip

GoddezzT`

I do not want to go into the experiences i made along my way, but because of the violence, sexual abuse and rape i experienced as i was very young, i wrote my post some posts ago.

Yes it is normal to hate, to have thoughts of revenge, to feel unsafe to the core and to have haunted dreams, BUT goddessteaze, only I or you or she can decide when the terror ends, especially when you or she or i are adults. As for example children, we had no choice, but as adults, we decide how much ongoing power we give the people how behaved so horribly against us.

Peace, Freedon and Clearness comes for me and for some of my friends, with living in the moment. And with time and Discipline and people who love you and support you, the goods moments will outweight the bad.

And no, giving time is not always the right way, when somebody is in fear, revenge, hate circles for too long.

I do not mean calista is too long in it, because i do not know her and her specific situation.

Ruth

< Message edited by WingedSnake -- 1/25/2008 12:28:13 AM >

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(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 41

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 12:27:56 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

Im sorry to hear about your brother, Badone, the Op stated that she has therapy,
so I guess your question has been answered then?
I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

When I gave my eulogy I said my brother lost a wife and I lost a sister. Thanks it's been a hellofa year.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 1/25/2008 12:48:54 AM >

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 42

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 3:13:17 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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I'm sorry to hear about your loss SailingBum and am glad to see you are opening up on the boards. However, the OP is in therapy and has been for quite some time and anger is a part of the grieving process and it actually encouraged. It is part of taking back yourself and assessing blame where blame is due. You see rape victims carry shame and guilt over their rapes often. While it may seem illogical, it is true. Anger is part of the road to recovery of letting go of that guilt/shame and realizing their issues are not yours. It's never as simple as just getting over it when one experiences trauma and moreso trauma with violence and she will get there when she does. She has come very far and 7 months is not a long time for such an event.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 1/25/2008 3:14:11 AM >

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When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 43

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 4:18:12 AM

MadRabbit

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Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

How it's normal to Hate..?

I am actually appalled by some of the answers in this thread.

Sure, anger is part of the recovery process and yes, it's normal to feel hate.

But hate is a consuming, powerful and obsessive emotion. It's a cheap and easy way to cover up that void thats been ripped open when someone seriously violates your personal boundaries. It lowers you.

The people who insist on patting the OP on the back and saying "There, there. It's okay to hate him" are giving some crappy advice in their desire to be sympathetic, empathic, and show pity. Letting hate rule you can be a very unhealthy thing. I know from personal experience.

It can be an emotional crutch. Rather than deal directly with the feelings that been imposed on you by the other person, hating them becomes the way of coping.

_____________________________

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(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 44

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 4:33:17 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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quote:

Letting hate rule you can be a very unhealthy thing. I know from personal experience.

I agree (also from experience). It is unhealthy and looking back ..I remember how it took over my life. Everything seemed hate.
What a waste, especially when the other just seems to continue.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 45

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 4:36:34 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

The OP posted to in another thread regarding yet another one of her obsession "how do I get it to stop". A relatively minor situation to my mind. I posted my view on the situation and got flamed and I expect to get flamed yet again.
In this post what happened was tragic and needs to be address through the legal system.
What is bothersome is the obsessive personality traits that the OP has. I can't remember if the OP is in therapy or not. Posting on here may provide moral support it does nothing to cure/help her underlying issues. Which is the cause.

To the OP I said it before I will say it again. Hate is a wasted emotion. The other person could care less if you hate them. They might however get some sort of perverse pleasure in it. Therapy therapy therapy.

BadOne

SailingBum,
It literally cracks me up that my 'obsessive personality' is bothersome to You... However, thanks for getting the post that i did post that on correct. And in all actuality, i think i found my answers in that particular thread...Which was, for me, once i admit something out in the open it loses it's power over me. i'm not entirely certain where You got the idea that i HATE this man....In fact, i believe i've only ever hated one person and i made peace with Him shortly before his death.... That was a year ago next week. i can not tell You how completly sad and pointless i feel much of my adult life had been because i allowed myself to be ruled, controlled, and feared by hate. i lived there for so long, it's no longer a comfortable place to even visit. i don't feel like hate is a positive or healthy emotion for me to entertain, so i don't do it... Additionally, in regard to the legal system i've pretty much done everything i can do.....At this point whether they choose to continue to persue the charge they filed against him is up to them...i have no say in this matter, i don't get a vote in it....
{as sad, sick, and victim like as this will sound and i'll no doubt get flamed for} It has occured to me recently that he has fired three attorney, fired a court appointed one, used every motion known to man (and then some) to fight a simple misdemeanor......It's been 7 1/2 months since that charge was placed upon him....i can not imagine how much he would have fought and made my life miserable if i had been able to get someone to be willing to charge him with any number of the crimes he committed........

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 1/25/2008 4:40:59 AM >

_____________________________

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~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 46

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 4:38:32 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
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When a person has been violated so horribly, feeling angry/hateful IS part of the healing process. That doesn't meantosay they are good/healthy for a person, just understandable given the circumstances and the fragility of the human psyche. For it to be perpetual, then yes, I'd agree that it is a waste of human emotion b/c ultimately, it means the person that has wronged you still has some control over your emotions.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 47

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 4:55:08 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Once again i need to thank You all for Your kind and well thought out posts....They have already helped tremendously....

Okay well except for MadRabbit, who i currently want to stab in the eye.....But, of course with the most loving and respectful of gestures...

I am not trying to come off as a smart ass. I can't think of a single instance where Stabbing someone in the eye is consider a term of endearment. Hell I can't remember anyone even saying that before.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 48

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 4:59:39 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Kalista, I am sorry you are going through this. I empathize, not with being raped by a stranger (if indeed he was, I do not know your personal story) but with obsession over being hurt. In my case, it was by someone I loved deeply and for a very long time.

So, I understand both obsession and feeling the negative emotions of anger and hate. I realized that both were the result of the loss of control I had and you can only really hate what you once loved (in my case) and in your case, someone who damaged you for no reason.

The obsessive part is hard to let go and the anger part is hard as well, since alot of it, I directed towards MYSELF, for staying with the person for too long.

I did not find therapy for myself helpful (never found a good one), but am finding that as life throws me other curve balls, I am able to drop the other balls of anger and obsession over this one person slowly.....and hopefully they will eventually roll away forever.

I hope the same for you. At least you are in a good relationship now, which should help. I had to do this alone.

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 49

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 4:59:44 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

am suddenly remembering now why it is You were previously nominated for CM's jackass of the year.

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 50

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 2:02:26 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Once again i need to thank You all for Your kind and well thought out posts....They have already helped tremendously....

Okay well except for MadRabbit, who i currently want to stab in the eye.....But, of course with the most loving and respectful of gestures...

I am not trying to come off as a smart ass. I can't think of a single instance where Stabbing someone in the eye is consider a term of endearment. Hell I can't remember anyone even saying that before.

I can assure you that Kalista and I have had an exchange of private messages where she clarified what she meant (even thought I never took much offence to it anyways) and we had discussion about this that was hopefully to her benefit.

Now seeing that I am not upset or offended and I am clarifying that the supposed "threat" to me was just a private way of her saying "Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear, but didn't want to hear", I'm sure you will feel no need to carry on with this.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 51

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 3:44:30 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

4. Of course this is something HE and i talk about frequently and Yes, i'm still in therapy.
Thanks,

Kalista I am happy to see that you and Yours are talking as it will help. I am also glad to hear you are in therapy, hopefully that is going well and your therapist is Kink Aware and Kink Friendly. BDSM can add some interesting twists to therapy all on it's own and if you add in the betrayal or a Rape within the "scene" it can get particularly nasty to deal with. If you or anyone else needs a therapist who is kink aware/friendly here is the link to the Kink Aware database. It includes Lawyers, Psychologists, Counselors, Therapists, Doctors, etc.
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

Rape is not about sex, it uses sex as a weapon. Too often the person who was assaulted (even adults) blame themselves, even though they KNOW they are not to blame. What you are going through with the constant monitoring of his Profile is Normal. It is a way of taking back Control over your life by trying to know at all times where that person is. You had no control when it happened though survivors often self blame to feel they had some control over things and allowing themselves to feel less vulnerable. If I hadn't, If I had done this but I didn't think I needed to, If I hadn't worn this, if I hadn't led him to believe..are all things we use to place the blame on ourselves and (in a twisted way) recover some control of what happened by blaming ourselves.

Seeking therapy, restructuring your thoughts so that you absolve yourself of any thought of blame, talking it out are all healthy actions and will eventually help you move on. Please whatever you do, recognize that you are a survivor, you were stronger than him in that you did not allow yourself to be crushed, run off from what you need and love and that you are not a victim hiding away in a closet. He could not destroy you or take you from yourself. You survived. Allow yourself time to grieve for the innocence lost, but take the control that he was unable to take from you in your hands and when you are truly ready, you won't need to know where he is and what he is doing. It won't matter. Your's will be right there with you the total focus and recipient of the power that the other tried to steal from you.

For those who are not survivors but may be helping someone who is, here is a pretty good site that can explain a lot of what the person is going through and some of the things you can expect. http://www.survivingtothriving.org/reactions

poenkitten (been there as child and woman. You can survive)

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 52

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/26/2008 7:21:46 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

BlackPhx

i wanted to thank You for providing me with that link....i checked out that site last night and i found it incredibly helpful.
Thanks again.

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to BlackPhx)

Post #: 53

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/26/2008 8:56:04 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Kalista I have no useful advice to give.
Just some understanding and empathy I hope.
There is nothing wrong in feeling angry for what happened to you.
That's where I went wrong.
I have spent a lifetime forgiving and understanding my abusers and blaming myself.
If I have heard I have to let go of the past once I have heard it a thousand times.
I can only let go of the past when the people I want to love understand how much it hurt me.
When they accept as I have done that it was not my fault and that they have some responsibility in what happened to me.
When they tell me and show me the love that I deserve from them not my abusers.
You have a right to be angry.
You have a right to justice.
You have a right to your SO understanding of your pain.
I finally went to therapy.
The therapist was totally useless.
I ended up providing her with more empathy and understanding of her bereavement than she gave me about my abuse.
When you have healed enough the past will become the past.
I hope posting and talking will help you.
Just like everyone if you think I can help you in anyway please mail me.
Lots of men like sexual control. Even some of the ones who call themselves submissive. Your control was taken from you as mine was.
Everyone should know how traumatic that is.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 54

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/26/2008 11:32:24 AM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

Our pleasure. We are both glad we could offer you and any others pointers to aid and knowledge.

poenkitten

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 55

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/26/2008 3:25:19 PM

pettingdragons

Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

I agre with SM....I have a shovel , a pick axe, several large swords and two throwing stars...will that help?
I just love a good fight :) or even a stealthy meltdown...
Pamela

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pettingdragons
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Post #: 56

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/26/2008 7:04:39 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Its ok Sailor and i didn't want to call You a Bum, it just was something a saw and got stuck on my sight before the sailor. It seems like You had to ride against the wind and keep Your ship at balance a few times in Your life.. A healthy conversation always contains a little bit of controversy as different people see it different and i'm sure You have Your own views which maybe of a more drastic approach to the one that could be chosen by the OP. Take care buddy and make sure You don't fall over board when the gale comes again..

_____________________________

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Max: And loving it!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 57

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/26/2008 8:25:07 PM

CuriousLord

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Joined: 4/3/2007
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Any progress, Kalista07?

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 58

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/27/2008 12:08:23 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Any progress, Kalista07?

CL,
Thanks for asking....Yeah, i think i may have checked it once this week.... And i told Him that i checked it and we just went on with life...For me, i believe the biggest part of it is needing to put it out there so that it can lose it's power and then so that i can be held accountable...i don't know if that makes any sense or not...
i also think, my lack of ability to deal with it may have something to do with the fact that in three days it will be one year since i took my 'father' to the hospital where he spent the next 8 days and died....Which is just a confusing and overwhelming bag of crap on it's on....heh....But, ya know what? No one can ever say i'm boaring..........LOL

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 59

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/27/2008 3:26:50 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Any progress, Kalista07?

CL,
Thanks for asking....Yeah, i think i may have checked it once this week.... And i told Him that i checked it and we just went on with life...For me, i believe the biggest part of it is needing to put it out there so that it can lose it's power and then so that i can be held accountable...i don't know if that makes any sense or not...
i also think, my lack of ability to deal with it may have something to do with the fact that in three days it will be one year since i took my 'father' to the hospital where he spent the next 8 days and died....Which is just a confusing and overwhelming bag of crap on it's on....heh....But, ya know what? No one can ever say i'm boaring..........LOL

It is nice to see there is still a little dark humour left ;)

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 60

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