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velvetpetal -> RE: VERY FIRST memory of indication (1/26/2008 12:13:13 AM)
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Wow...read all the replies..and..have found myself shocked.
Am so glad that this thread was posted..so thanks to the OP..i'd been thinking along these lines, for a few days now, after having read another thread that kinda sorta touched on the subject..or..at least it did in my mind.
For me....
Hmmm... i too dont have any one real concrete memory..to say "Ahh..so THATS how this all started for me."..i think instead.. like another poster here has said, that it was a gradual awakening..
Mine was ..well.. from a very very very young age.. Starting mostly, as mere sexual awakening... Cant call it masturbation per say, but i..could often be found twidling around with my dress hiked up, and hands in panties. Just touching the outside because i'd found it felt good. Tactile pleasure i guess. My family were often embarassed when i'd do this in public, and after awhile of being scolded, i learned that good girls dont do this. Didnt stop me from doing the same thing when i was alone in bed at night, but i'd learned not to..where others could see.
I have a pic of myself, that looks around age 2 or 3 with my dress hiked up.
In kingergarten, i was caught humping a lil boy in my class...when we were sposed to be having nap time..
In first or second grade..the teacher had all of the students acting out roles from the story "Three billy goats"... and i found myself getting emense sexual pleasure playing a goat crossing the bridge when a lil boy i thought cute played the part of the troll . (NO, lol...that doesnt mean its an open invitation for all trolls to email me now..i've grown up some since then..lol)
Third grade or so...the usual games of chase..cowboy and indians..house..doctor, ect, well, all had their own sexual thrill inside my belly.
like many here, i loved being chased and allowed myself to get caught...but.lol..i never made it TOO easy. Even better were the times that chasing games involved a length of rope to tie up those who got caught.
Fourth grade, i visited with a neighbor friend...whom was having a birthday party, and all of us lil girls were in her bedroom...examining her older brother, whom we had talked into removing his clothes. There was whispers and giggles and dares of "humping".
Not exactly sure when i began talking about it, but was still rather young, but i remember telling my mother and one of my older sisters...that when i GREW up, i was going to build my own house to live in, and that there would be a secret room for sex. No idea where such an idea ever sprouted from, but by no means was what i was imagining this room to look like and contain..to be a mere bedroom.
My mother was a prude,and hated any type of subject regarding sex. So hearing about my plans..well..it didnt take me long to figure out that "good girls" dont think of those kinda things either... I had learned those lessons throughout my young childhood..from the various ways my mother..and others would react to whatever sexual acting out i had been involved in and gotten caught doing.
It was impressed upon me...that i wasnt behaving normally. And with no other proof otherwise, i began to think i was the ONLY person alive with such thoughts..such ideas...and such strong interest in sexual pleasure, including BDSM .
i looked around and concluded them right..nobody else talked about the things i talked about..and thus began to think much of it meant i was a freak.
I spent some time afterwords..repressing and pushing lots of it way down deep...and then forgot about it.
Through my teens i exprimented around with much of the same types of sexual experimentation that teens do...
20s were pretty much settled down... years i spent learning about my own body..
and then..in my 30's, I got a computer..and it wasnt long...before i was utterly shocked outta my mind...to find ..wow..i hadnt ever really been the only person alive on the planet...to have the needs and thoughts..and desires..that i had repressed ...i either wasnt a freak at all..or..at the LEAST..i wasnt the only freak alive!!! In the 7years since..i have spent lots of time studying..learning..self exploring...
Thing is...tonight...after reading the replies to this thread..i have learned something completely new.
I mean..i know already..that i wasnt really a freak..that i was a born submissive.
But..until tonight, i have held onto the idea that i was still the only one that had such a sexual childhood. I'd figured people had likely developed ideas around puberty or so...and...that i was somehow unique.
i have spent so much time..concidering that...sometimes worried..sometimes scared.. and sometimes simply curious.. i'd figured..it just couldnt be normal for a 3 year old to manipulate the outside of her genials for tactile pleasure..i became scared that i'd possibly been molested as an infant or young child. So much of common studies talk about how a molested child acts out sexually. i have never honestly thought it was normal development. i have wracked my mind trying to "remember" if it could have ever happened to me...and have always come up ..with no..nothing..no memories..zero.
Tonight..i have learned..once again..i have no need to worry about it anymore.. that i wasnt different then many others whom developed sexually at a young age.
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