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Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:02:27 PM

SailingBum

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My UM who is 25 and I were coming back from a funeral and I mentioned that the gentleman that passed away told his wife that he "may not wake up in the morning" due to his bad heart. He said this for a month or so. However he did not tell his UM who range in age from 45 to say 55. When my father passed away my brothers and I knew his time was short and he never told us nor my mother. So my UM said to me that you better tell me that your dying dad otherwise I will be pissed at you. I replied what would I care I'm dead. I didn't say it to be a smart ass. I just said what I felt

Would you tell you significant other that you were dying? And more importantly why would you tell them or not tell them?

BadOne

Post #: 1

RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:16:34 PM

ravennfyre

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crimany... I probably wouldn't tell anyone if I was buying the farm...I really wouldn't want to deal with the pitiful looks and being treated like I'm fragile...I'm going out kickin' & screamin'....

good question, Sir...

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:38:12 PM

fadedlace

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From: Louisiana
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I lost a good friend a few years ago, who never allowed me to know he was ill. Others knew, but he demanded I not be told, because he didn't want "pity" from me. The hurt when I read his obituary in the newspaper - to know he'd shut me out so firmly - it was like someone had hit me in the chest with a hammer.

It still stings, that he didn't allow me to share any of the last few months of his life making him laugh. (He was like a pesky annoying brother who happened to be pervy, and we had a lot of fun when we hung out together.) I understand his reasoning, and I respect the decision he made, but I sure still do NOT like it.

I'd tell my close family and close friends if I knew in advance I was about to die, but not announce it to the world at large. Not for pity, but for last opportunities in this world.

(in reply to ravennfyre)

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:39:55 PM

azropedntied

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From: Phx AZ
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See the bucket List .. form your own answer after you see that cuz mine changed if i knew i had so much time left.Live life now .

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:43:16 PM

sunshinemiss

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I would absolutely tell them. I have worked in hospice and believe that people who have the opportunity to handle this kind of situation have the ability to live through it much more easily. If nothing else, one has the choice to ignore it or do something... I have seen amazing things from the knowledge... People have found deep wells of truth in them that they did not know they had... And healing has the opportunity to happen - in places you don't even know were broken.

I suggest the book Tuesdays with Morrie for understanding...

A personal example:
After years of estrangement, my mother told me that my father was ill. I decided to go to see him despite knowing he said he didn't want to see me. I had to give him the opportunity to make peace because we knew he might die from the illness or the surgery. I went to the hospital, I stayed with my family, and because I was the only one there who understood "hospital-speak", I'm the one who talked to the staff. Through it all my father refused to see me, speak to me, and he barely acknowledged me. I could hear through the doors the horrible things he said about me to the staff.

I found peace during that visit and so did 2 of my sisters and my mother (all of whom had felt guilty about the relationship between him and me). Now, although I don't have a relationship with him, I know that it is HIS problem, and not mine. I can look in the mirror and know I've done all I could. If noone had told me that my father was so ill, I would still be living with the hurt of the broken relationship. And so would others in my family.

So, even if something doesn't come directly from knowing, it is certainly an opportunity for your own growth and that of those around you.

peace

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:45:26 PM

charmdpetKeira

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Without knowing what he would prefer, it’s hard to decide which to do. I wouldn’t want to burden him with the information; then again, in my position, it’s not really up to me to decide if he would be burdened or not.

I guess I would have to tell him.

k

_____________________________

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There is no wrong choice, only consequence.

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:46:18 PM

collaredncontent

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From: GA, USA.
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If I knew I was dying, yes, I would tell my partner/Master. I just can't imagine him not knowing and the pain he'd be put through when I died without warning if I could manage to hide the symptoms. He would probably kick himself for not having cherished as much time as he could have if he'd known. Or at least that's how I would feel. As his pet I am required to update him constantly on my health so there is little likelihood that this event would occur. If he were the one dying, god forbid, I would want to know and be there with him and cherish every last moment we had together. I might not want outsiders to know, it's hard to deal with the pity, but I'd difinitely want Jack to know.

-Brian.

(in reply to azropedntied)

Post #: 7

RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 8:48:57 PM

breatheasone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

My UM who is 25 and I were coming back from a funeral and I mentioned that the gentleman that passed away told his wife that he "may not wake up in the morning" due to his bad heart. He said this for a month or so. However he did not tell his UM who range in age from 45 to say 55. When my father passed away my brothers and I knew his time was short and he never told us nor my mother. So my UM said to me that you better tell me that your dying dad otherwise I will be pissed at you. I replied what would I care I'm dead. I didn't say it to be a smart ass. I just said what I felt

Would you tell you significant other that you were dying? And more importantly why would you tell them or not tell them?

BadOne

Hmmm ..... Would I tell my SO I'm dying?....Part of me thinks no...I mean they will be grieving enough when I do go...why start the grieving sooner than need be. On the other hand, I'm not supposed to keep anything from Master...and I'm reasonably sure He would be a little irritated if I kept Him in the dark about a matter such as this. So yeah...I'm gonna have to say yes...I'd tell Him.

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:04:05 PM

takenbyjohnr07

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Exactly, plus i would want to get all my financial and personal affairs together, and make sure that my funeral arrangements were taken care of. How mortified he would feel if i just died and he didn't have a chance to say goodbye or to have all of this thrown at him at once with no warning. What kind of human being does that to someone they love?

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i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:08:44 PM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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Thank you all for your insight. I read tuesdays with morrie good book. I am trying to define who if anyone I would tell. If I were to tell anyone the list would be short, my UM's and my girl. I have the theory to treat the ppl you care as if you will see them for the last time. When my Father was sick I gave careful consideration as to weather or not I should have a meaningful talk with him. It was similar to the struggle I had in signing the guest book at their 50th wedding aniv. What do you say to the ppl that have loved you since forever. Simply "Thanks for a wonderful life Love me"

I never had that meaninful conversation with my Father nor do I regret it.

BadOne

(in reply to collaredncontent)

Post #: 10

RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:12:40 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Would you tell you significant other that you were dying? And more importantly why would you tell them or not tell them?

Yes, because I do not feel it would be fair to withhold that information from him. He has the right to take advantage of every day of life we have together and realize that they will not have forever to do so. Maybe it is a bit selfish, but I wouldn't want to carry that burden by myself to my grave either.

I am basically an extremely honest person. Living lies isn't my cuppa tea. And I would feel I was living a lie, not protecting my loved ones from my eventual demise... Not to mention there is often business to take care of if someone knows it is almost time to punch their ticket.

When my Daddy and I decided to work things out, and I discovered he was involved in what easily could have turned out to be a fatal accident where he works (he works in a dangerous environment) I realized that if he had died, I would never have known...no one would have informed me. I asked him to make sure that I was on the list of people that would be notified if something were to happen to him. I would rather know and enjoy what time we had then for him to keep me in the dark.. but that is just me.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/28/2008 9:13:10 PM >

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(in reply to SailingBum)

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:14:50 PM

schoenekitty

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From: Marina del Rey, CA
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My mom died a few years ago and didn't know she was going to die. However, from my experience with that kind of loss I really wish I had known- and if she could have known I hope she would have told me. I was never able to say goodbye to her- I don't even remember if the last thing I said to her was I love you... Had I known she was going to die I would have made absolutely sure to call her, see her, tell her I love her- instead I suffered a lot of guilt because I didn't...

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 12

RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:15:34 PM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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I would choose whichever because I wanted them to heal better. If I thought that would be to not tell them, I wouldn't...and vice versa.

It's an interesting thing to ask someone. Would they want to know?

Master Fire

EDITED:
Upon reflection, I'm not sure the first sentence is valid at all times. If I felt like I needed FOC (family of choice) and FOO (family of origin) support, I would probably say something.

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 1/28/2008 9:19:09 PM >

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:15:59 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Gosh for so many reasons would I tell them, heck I'd tell my seven year old nephew. That's the same line people use when they cheat and don't want to tell their partner.

Ethically, pragmatically, love itself would deny such an omission.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:16:21 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Would you tell you significant other that you were dying? And more importantly why would you tell them or not tell them?

Yes, for a few different reasons.

1) Because if our positions were reversed, I would to know so that we could make plans to do things like take one last really great vacation together, go ahead and have a small wedding with our families, etc.
2) So that I could do whatever I needed to do to make my passing easier (ie. find out what material objects they would want for emotional reasons and make sure that they will have them).
3) Because I'm his girl and it's not my business to keep information from him.

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(in reply to SailingBum)

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:22:29 PM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: collaredncontent

If I knew I was dying, yes, I would tell my partner/Master. I just can't imagine him not knowing and the pain he'd be put through when I died without warning if I could manage to hide the symptoms. He would probably kick himself for not having cherished as much time as he could have if he'd known. Or at least that's how I would feel. As his pet I am required to update him constantly on my health so there is little likelihood that this event would occur. If he were the one dying, god forbid, I would want to know and be there with him and cherish every last moment we had together. I might not want outsiders to know, it's hard to deal with the pity, but I'd difinitely want Jack to know.

-Brian.

That is pretty much what my girl said. She was pretty upset when I explained to her that I prolly wouldn't tell anyone. She said not even me. "yes girl your included in anyone"

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Post #: 16

RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:37:37 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Ethically, pragmatically, love itself would deny such an omission.

I typed out an entire reply but then I saw this, which pretty much said it all for me.

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Post #: 17

RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:51:57 PM

Termyn8or

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I almost can't believe I am saying this. Only a few select few anything about this.

I believe I have an ulcer, a very bad one. At times during the day I am totally engulfed with pain. This is getting rarer due to some changes in my diet, but it still happens. Most people don't notice.

People, I have niot told anyone else this, and I don't think you should. I have made decisions in my my life that I am sticking by, and I know it is going to kill me. I am fine with that.

Maybe I can shed some light on just why alot of people "won't tell them".

I can't let people think that I am unable to manage my health, while I give out advicer about the subject. I can't let some personal discomfort taint everything I say. There will be those times, and that is all there is to it.

I will die with my beliefs and my ways.

If a guy comes up to you with a gun, your first thought is to get the gun away from him. The simplest way for those who do not know what they are doig is to grab trhe gun with both hands, and then force the guy to the ground. This is when he is focussing on keeping the gun, and that is exactly the time you must focus on balance and a few other physical things. The is precisely where you win. Brawn doesn't quitre do it, but brains do. Every day.

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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:54:02 PM

SubbieOnWheels

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When my dad was ill, my mother wasn't going to tell any of us. my sister happened to call, and she gave Mother all kinds of holy hell for not telling us, and made her promise to call the rest of us. After she called me, I went out and ordered flowers for him, with a teddy bear and a big yellow balloon. The card said, "A little bit of Florida sunshine" (They lived in northern Michigan, and it was winter). Dad had Mother call me, and he got on the phone and told me no one had ever sent him flowers. That made me feel so wonderful, and it was the last conversation I ever had with him.

My other sister fought ovarian cancer for 5 years. She called each of her family members in January 2004 to tell us the doctors had discontinued chemo and radiation. She wanted us to be prepared. When the call came (in April) that she had passed, I was sad, but not totally flummoxed by the news. I had had time to prepare myself for life without the sister who had been a major part of my life since my birth.

My roommate's brother-in-law, on the other hand, got a call one day from his brother: "Well, Diane is dead." Diane was his brother's wife and had been ill with melanoma for some months, in a hospice for the past two months at least. They had told no one, not even his 94-year-old mother, because the wife wanted it that way. I would not want that. I would prefer things the way they were with my dad and my sister.

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Bethical
Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/28/2008 9:55:01 PM

Termyn8or

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Shit, I wasn't ready to send that. Oh well.

T

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Post #: 20

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