How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (Full Version)

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kittyinpink -> How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 2:11:37 AM)

No sex involved, just when your Dom scenes with another sub.  I've tried to watch Him play with another sub one time at our local Dungeon, but ended up quietly leaving.  I'm new and right now I still see all play as an emotional connection, so it was hard for me to watch.

He said that it's alright and He will not play with others while I'm there again, but I know his former subs had no problems with Him sceneing with others, and I'd like to learn how to not get so emotional over it.



julietsierra -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 3:43:51 AM)

When I watch him playing with others, I get to see a side of him I never get to see. I see the satisfied smile he makes when he's done something that's elicited a specific reaction. I get to see the stance of his body, the way he contemplates his next move, the movement of his muscles as he does what he does so well. In short, instead of focusing on whatever emotional connection there may be, I spend my time being his co-conspirator, so to speak. I hand him his toys, grin as she makes the noises she never thought she'd make, quietly ooh as watch the marks appear, and in short, maintain my emotional connectedness with him, albiet in a different way.

And what I thought would be really difficult...just becomes HOT.

And then, on the way home, we talk about the night, laugh in pleasure at the good parts, analyze the not-so-good parts and just simply enjoy our time together.

The thing to remember is that for YOU there is a significant emotional connectedness but that connectedness may be simply temporary and much less intense with someone else. Focus on the good parts, leave your insecurities at the door (he came with you, he'll go home with you. They only have him for a little while to the extent he cares to be involved)

Be his partner in crime, his confidante, his friend, his lover, his submissive, his slave. It'll be all right...

And look in his eyes now and then...whatever you see in them after a particularly good hit, know that it's magnified 10 fold when it's you on the other side of the whip. You'll see that it's just plain HOT.

juliet



gypsygrl -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 5:13:39 AM)

I really enjoy watching him session others.  I've found that if he's playing with someone else, I can't be playing with another someone else at the same time because my attention is too distracted and I'm too worried about what he's doing.  It screws up my head.  But, I get a real kick out of watching him if I can just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.  We had been playing together for a while before I saw him play with someone else, and the first time I saw him, I was like WOW he's good.  I was kind of glad I hadn't known how good he was when we first met because I probably would have been too intimidated by him to session. 

I especially like picking up the toys and getting him coffee when he's done--knowing I have a 'supporting' role helps me feel included and because I'm service oriented, helps maintain that sense of emotional connection.   



kyraofMists -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 5:35:54 AM)

Does his interactions with others change how he interacts with you?  If not, then make sure that you do not evaluate your relationship with him based on his relationship with others.  Also do not compare yourself with the other people that he plays with.

When I watch him play with others, I get to watch the sadist.  When he plays with me, I get to experience the sadist, but not watch.  It is a different perspective on an aspect of him that I adore.  I especially liked it when he played another man.  He has no sexual attration to men, so the play was purely an exercise in sadism.  It was awesome and terrifying to watch.

Try to view this issue from different perspectives and then maybe you will find a way to resolve it.  I know for me, that the more security I gained in our relationship the easier it was to not fall into negative thinking that made watching a challenge.

Knight's Kyra



AquaticSub -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 6:04:32 AM)

While I doubt I will ever see it happen, I think it would turn me on once I got into it. Especially if he let me get involved and hold down one of her arms or something like that.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 6:39:27 AM)

hypothetically speaking here (since mine wouldn't play with others), i would be quite jealous because they're not playing with me.



OmegaG -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 7:06:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittyinpink

No sex involved, just when your Dom scenes with another sub.  I've tried to watch Him play with another sub one time at our local Dungeon, but ended up quietly leaving.  I'm new and right now I still see all play as an emotional connection, so it was hard for me to watch.

He said that it's alright and He will not play with others while I'm there again, but I know his former subs had no problems with Him sceneing with others, and I'd like to learn how to not get so emotional over it.



I would love to see him play, when he's playing with me there is so much going on that I can't watch him, I want the oppurtunity to know what he looks like when he's behind me or when he's blindfolded me, I want that added dimension and I can't get that perspective unless I watch him play with someone else.

play is play and it doesn't diminish the connection we have.



toservez -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 7:16:18 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Does his interactions with others change how he interacts with you?  If not, then make sure that you do not evaluate your relationship with him based on his relationship with others.  Also do not compare yourself with the other people that he plays with.

When I watch him play with others, I get to watch the sadist.  When he plays with me, I get to experience the sadist, but not watch.  It is a different perspective on an aspect of him that I adore.  I especially liked it when he played another man.  He has no sexual attration to men, so the play was purely an exercise in sadism.  It was awesome and terrifying to watch.

Try to view this issue from different perspectives and then maybe you will find a way to resolve it.  I know for me, that the more security I gained in our relationship the easier it was to not fall into negative thinking that made watching a challenge.

Knight's Kyra


I enjoyed this very much and it is how my mind works.

I either have his heart or I do not. My Master playing with someone else gets a mixture of enjoying seeing him happy and jealous I am not the one directly giving him that pleasure. I also though think in any relationship and not just in out there circumstances that it is always good to be reflective of separating the impulse feelings of a moment from the real feelings based on long term being together.




Shawn1066 -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 7:20:26 AM)

I'm just concerned because it seems he never spoke of it with you beforehand.  Sure, it may not have changed him doing it, but he could have at least put your fears at rest.  I don't understand the idea of casual play too much either.  I don't do it, and I can't imagine doing it.

If my Owner were ever to desire to play with anybody in a casual manner, she'd inform me and we'd talk about it beforehand.  There's also understood boundaries if such a thing ever occured.  They would not be allowed any sexual play.  So, that being said...  I'd likely want to watch.  For two very important reasons:

A.  I want the person involved to know that I'm hers and they're not.  I'd hate for people to get illusions otherwise.  Yes, I'm a tad territorial.

B.  I think I might enjoy it in a certain way.  What way, I'm not entirely sure.  I think the spectator sadist in me would be very interested.

If I couldn't handle her playing with anybody else...  I'd simply inform her of this and she'd likely cancel the plans.  It's her final decision, as always.

DV's Fox





fluffyswitch -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 7:21:38 AM)

as long as i don't have to see it or hear about it in gritty detail i'm fine. i knew when i entered a relationship with Him that i wasn't the only sub and i'm pretty sure that i'm still not, though i've been told i'm primrary.

i take the out of sight out of mind approach.



Aynne -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 7:29:08 AM)

Could not bear it, honestly.  Not to mention the many Doms that say they are just "training or playing" with a new sub but in actuality they are having sex with them on the side and their significant other has no idea.  Trust me, I know, been there, done that, it hurt.  Never again. 



beargonewild -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 7:29:59 AM)

It's my thought that a sub could better differentiate between the emotional attachment they have with their owner and the type of emotions their owner has when scening with another. What may help is to keep in mind that your Dom chose you and he takes you home with him, assuming you live together. Is is possible you could act as an assistant for your Dom when he is scening with another? That may help strengthen the bond you have with him and not feel jealous/neglected/uneasy or any other emotions which may be crossing your mind at that time. What if you sat down with your Dom and fully expressed why you feel the way you do and he do the same? 



kittyinpink -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 7:55:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

I'm just concerned because it seems he never spoke of it with you beforehand.  Sure, it may not have changed him doing it, but he could have at least put your fears at rest.  I don't understand the idea of casual play too much either.  I don't do it, and I can't imagine doing it


quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

It's my thought that a sub could better differentiate between the emotional attachment they have with their owner and the type of emotions their owner has when scening with another. What may help is to keep in mind that your Dom chose you and he takes you home with him, assuming you live together. Is is possible you could act as an assistant for your Dom when he is scening with another? That may help strengthen the bond you have with him and not feel jealous/neglected/uneasy or any other emotions which may be crossing your mind at that time. What if you sat down with your Dom and fully expressed why you feel the way you do and he do the same? 


I should clarify.  He asked me early on that evening if he could play with a certain girl and introduced me to her.  I told him that it would be find with me, just that I was not sure how I would react.  Afterwards he came over to me straight away and was extremely loving and receptive to my feelings and promised that if it really bothered me, he would never do it in front of my again.

Why I make this post is because part of me enjoyed it, but the jealous part of me took over and ruined it.  I want to toughen up and not let my emotions get in the way of something I would normally really enjoy.  He's being completely understanding, I'm the one that wants to change.




AquaticSub -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 8:08:27 AM)

Don't beat yourself up over the fact that you got jealous. It was the first time you'd ever watched him scene with someone else, correct? You aren't used to it and it may take a little time and practice to squash that little green monster.

Since you said part of you enjoyed it and you want to change, ask him if there are ways to involve you as well. Handing him toys, talking with him during the scene (from point of view of someone who has been the woman being flogged, it's kinda hot to hear the dom working on you talking with another girl about how you are moaning and squirming), and just being a part of it.



sweetwenchie -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 8:25:02 AM)

Being new it isn't uncommon to have difficulty separating play from emotions. 

As long as i am secure in my place, i not only have no problems watching, i find it very stimulating.  Not to mention that even if someone else is getting him excited, i will be the one benefiting from that later [;)]

Just take some time, talk with him, work through the jealousy and what triggers it.  Sounds like he is very understanding and will take the time to work with you on this.

Good luck to you both!



takenbyjohnr07 -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 8:35:24 AM)

Everyday, i am grateful that he has no desire to play wuth anyone else or to add anyone else. He is dead set against it due to past experiences before he met me. i feel honored that i am enough for him and he is definitely  enough for me, but i do know people that like to just play with others and they have a great time. It's just not for him.  



Evanesce -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 8:42:33 AM)

While I am not normally the jealous type, in the early (first year) of my relationship with the Kaptin, I DID have a number of occasions when that little green monster caught me by surprise.  However, as my relationship progressed, I discovered that it was my own insecurity within the relationship that caused me to feel jealous.  If I felt He was paying more attention to someone else (and He did; He admits it), or if I was unsure of His feelings for me, I would become jealous.  Now, I recognized this at the time, and knew it was something within my own psyche that was causing the feelings of jealousy, so I kept those feelings to myself and no one knew at the time that I was having trouble with it; although there was one time when I had to leave the room because my emotions got the better of me.
 
As our relationship progressed, however, and I became more secure and more sure of my position in the Kaptin's life, those feelings of insecurity and jealousy (and, admittedly, fear that He would find someone else more to His liking and dump me) gradually disappeared, and I came to a point where I could watch Him play with someone else and be genuinely happy for Him.  It's interesting, because as I watch Him, I FEEL everything He does to that other person, and I love seeing Him in action.  Another thing I find very interesting is that, even though He often does the exact same things He does with me in a scene with someone else, others tell me it's completely different when it's me He's playing with.  They say His expression is different; He's more focused; and they can "see" His love for me.  (yeah, that helps banish the envy demon nicely!)
 
Now, almost 8 years into the relationship, I still love to watch Him "work" someone else.  And He enjoys watching me do the same.  Then, when we're done playing with our respective bottoms, if we're not worn out (we ARE getting old, after all), it's MY turn, and we let the beasts run free.  Some of our most intensely satisfying scenes have been done after one or both of us has topped someone else first.



sexyred1 -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 8:48:48 AM)

I really admire those who can handle the sharing and watching deal. I personally could never do it nor would I want to.

I would not want to watch or want a partner of mine to play with anyone else, but me. If I am not stimulating enough of a companion either in or out of a scene, then he should not be with me and I should not be with him.

It is not about being insecure, it is about valuing myself and the relationship and keeping that special intimacy just between the two of us. Otherwise, why would there be an US if others are needed?

But then again, I don't believe or understand poly.



KatyLied -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 8:53:30 AM)

Many times playing with others and being poly isn't because the person isn't enough.
Some people are wired to be with and form intimate relationship with more than one person at the same time.  I just look at it as that's the way they are.  I'm not sure it's that much a reflection on their partner not meeting their needs as it is that they just enjoy many partners in their life.

argh typo



AquaticSub -> RE: How do you deal with your Dom playing with another Sub? (2/1/2008 8:54:38 AM)

Yup. The idea that Valyraen isn't enough for me because I would like another partner doesn't make sense to me.



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