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ShaktiSama -> RE: Like Mother Like Daughter Update (2/2/2008 2:45:35 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MistressFaye1
So...in honor of this event, I pose these questions and I will share rhe answers with her:
What was your first, real time experience like as a Domme learning the lifestyle?
What did you learn from it?
If you could have done anything differently that first time, what would it be?
1) My first serious relationship was with a submissive woman, when I was 18 years old. Our relationship was relatively brief in the scheme of things, but very intense and playful during the time it lasted.
2) I learned various things from it, but I suppose the one thing I would pass on to a new dominant of either sex is how lucky you are to begin your journey with a level of self-awareness...and a community that has some system of ethics that you can adopt or reject as you see fit.
Speaking for myself...I went through agonies with my first lover, trying to avoid being rough with her or leaving marks on her milky skin. I would feel dreadful guilt if I saw a bruise on her body, even though she bruised easily. It took me years to realize that for some submissives, bruises and marks are part of the pleasure--lingering souvenirs that help them remember a deeply satisfying and pleasurable experience.
Similarly, I think you are lucky to consciously know what you are, and to be able to seek people who are your natural counterparts, with a full knowledge of things like "negotiation". My first submissive and I were not members of a larger community that could introduce these concepts to us--we just stumbled into our dynamic on our own. She usually didn't have any trouble getting her submissive needs met, although I was not ready to satisfy all of them. Once in a while, though, she would resort to terrible things to try and get me to play the way she wanted me to.
I still remember kneeling over her chest on the bed, both of her wrists finally pinned, after she had refused to stop tormenting and bothering me while I was trying to sleep. I looked down into her eyes very gravely to say "I love you very much...but I do not like this game."
She burst into tears--doubtless as much out of frustration as any other emotion, sadly. I had met some of the need she had, but not all of it, and she wasn't able to directly articulate that she had to be restrained and disciplined for relief. Instead she was driven to try and provoke me into real anger to elicit that exercise of power...
If we had been better prepared, she might have been able to simply say what she needed.
3) I'm not sure I had the option to do things differently at the time, considering how poor my resources were. It would have been nice if there had been a supportive community and a loving, dominant mother to give me some idea of how to start. I know I would have found my own way--I found it without help, after all--but I think I would have evolved much faster as a dominant and a person if there had not been such a long struggle for acceptance, of both my own needs and those of my submissive partners.
As it stands, you are going to have a big leg up on the girl I was at your age, and I am envious. But keep in mind, as you learn how to navigate and negotiate D/S relationships, that you will still constantly run into people out in the vanilla world who have D/S feelings...but no way to articulate, understand or negotiate them.
Some of these people will probably be drawn to you and may even want to be involved with you, but please...try to be patient, understanding, and tolerant of their goofy behavior! They will not have the had the benefit of an experienced parent and a supportive community to help them understand that they are "dominant", "submissive", "switch", "masochistic", or whatever...and all they will know is that there is somehting wrong with the way they feel, because the outside world constantly tells them so.
You may have to show a lot of compassion and understanding when they project their fears and doubts onto you, blame you for their sexuality, etc. But all I can say is this: you go, Baby Domme! I hope you find a lot of good things in the books you're reading, I hope you have a lot of fun, and I hope you fly higher, farther and faster, with fewer things to hold you down, than all the generations that came before.
If we can put a little extra wind beneath those wings, I am happy. [:D]
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