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Lied to - 2/3/2008 11:56:06 AM   
enslavederotica


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline 		if your owner lies to you ( even if it is the smallest lie) is it your right to pull away from him and demand he explains himself?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:10:08 AM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		I don't believe I have the right to demand anything of anyone. However, I always feel free to ask someone about their actions. I find it amazing  how many things that seem so traumatic at the time are nothing more than misunderstandings.

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to enslavederotica)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:16:37 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Don't dramatize it.
Freaking out or pulling away doesn't help anything and proves nothing, and will often hinder good communication. Just discuss calmly what happened, hear the other side(s) of the story and then evaluate if it was significant or not. If it really isn't important than just let it go. If it was a big issue, enough to damage the trust of your relationship, then it needs to be addressed.

Just don't go making a mountain out of a molehill.

(in reply to sweetstorm)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:21:13 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

Don't dramatize it.
Freaking out or pulling away doesn't help anything and proves nothing, and will often hinder good communication. Just discuss calmly what happened, hear the other side(s) of the story and then evaluate if it was significant or not. If it really isn't important than just let it go. If it was a big issue, enough to damage the trust of your relationship, then it needs to be addressed.

Just don't go making a mountain out of a molehill.


This is great advice!

We are all human beings and being dominant does not make one a better one let alone a perfect one.

Ask yourself this, if you ever lied, and everyone has lied, what would you hope for in how the other person reacts that catches you?


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:21:42 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		You have the right to demand anything you want - doesn't mean you will get it.  Just remember that as much right as you have to demand, the other has equal right to refuse.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to enslavederotica)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:22:14 AM   
Ostentatious


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		D/s is the same as any relationship, trust is paramount.  I wouldn't accept a lie from a friend, much less a partner.  Regardless of D/s.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:22:46 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Depends. If it's about a birthday present, then you are way overreacting. If it's an unexplained late dinner with another woman and him with lipstick on his collar, then in a monogamous relationship sure you have the right.

However if you take your time and pick responsible, self knowledgable partners who are capable of open communication about unmet needs, then it's probably miscommunication. In five years we've had major fights only twice and both times came down to miscommunication and being too tired to think things out and explained them.

I'm not a believer in staying up all night talking things out. I am a believer in agreeing to think about it and talk it over in the morning and getting some sleep in each other's arms.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:34:15 AM   
enslavederotica


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the advice.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 7:45:59 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		.... follow the established pattern of your relationship for open communication .. explain the impact telling lies has on you, ask for clairification

if you dont have an established pattern .. create one by being polite, respectful and non-confrontational

of course if you *want* a drama ... go ahead and kick off at him ... but it is likely to get you nowhere good

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 9:38:28 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enslavederotica

if your owner lies to you ( even if it is the smallest lie) is it your right to pull away from him and demand he explains himself?


Depends on the lie. If he tells me he was out with friends but those friends were out with me, I'd like to know what is going on. But I'm also a woman who loves surprises so there will always a be a few small lies and "You don't need to know"s.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to enslavederotica)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 9:47:05 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enslavederotica

if your owner lies to you ( even if it is the smallest lie) is it your right to pull away from him and demand he explains himself?

Is it your right? Yes.  Is it likely to get you anywhere, no.
If demands are made of me, regardless of why, by anyone they are not going to get what they wanted.
Depending on the lie, as others have said, sometimes within a relationship it is not as bad as you think. I lied to Fox several times while setting up his christmas surprise, becaue he had to think I was going to be elsewhere or I couldnt have managed to surprise him as I did. If he had demanded explinations, not only would it had ruined the surprises it would have caused a very unnecessary fight.
If it is something serious, I would definately ask as to why your partner felt it necessary to lie. Sometimes, in their mind the reason for the lie made sense at the time. Others, its just being sneaky. Eitehr way, hear them out calmly before making your judgement. Sometimes, it is just an error in judgement and others it is a cuase to be alarmed.
Make sure you know which is which before you react.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to enslavederotica)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 10:21:18 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
~ Fast Reply ~
 
If he lied to you it indicates there was no "ownership" in their first place.

Anything 'ownership' you believed existed to "pull away from..." was false. What explaining would you accept? More fundamental, as "owned property" why would you deserve an explanation?

Leading to the basic problem that may merit exchanging a few words. You don't lie to a possession or property. The purpose and reasoning for lies doesn't exist. Property IS owned. Do you lie to table or couch if your going to put it out next week at your yard sale? If you want to 'chat' with him/her about it, the chat should be directed toward clarifying responsibilities and expectations. There is a huge lack of confidence illustrated by lying to 'property'. 

Then again, perhaps you just used the words, "property", "owned", "Master", "possession"; because they felt good. Sure, you don't lie to 'property', then again, 'property' doesn't "pull away and demand expectations" either.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 10:35:16 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
~snip~
Do you lie to table or couch if your going to put it out next week at your yard sale? 


Not to be flip or derail but I suddenly had imagery come to mind of those commercials where people talk to their mop/duster/vaccum and tell them they aren't doing the job and will have to go.

< Message edited by ProlificNeeds -- 2/4/2008 10:52:20 AM >

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 10:49:39 AM   
ksdom2k5


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/22/2005
Status: offline 		I think you do have the right to at least question why you weren't told the truth. While I also believe that the advice given above is good in that you should be rationale in how you react to the dishonesty that occurred and pulling away and acting irrationale might only make the problem worse it is important to make sure that honesty is at the heart of the relationship. I believe it also presupposes whether or not you should be property in the first place, not as a criticism of your dedication, but instead I think the analogy that you wouldn't lie to a table above is slightly false because in this instance even though you are "property" you have agreed to that condition, something the table never did and if there are concerns that your owner isn't going to be honest with you then I might question whether that initial decision to become property was correct or not. Of course like was said earlier this is probably not that big of a deal and can be easily clarified with a quick conversation about what occurred and then moving on.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 11:12:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
But I'm also a woman who loves surprises so there will always a be a few small lies and "You don't need to know"s.


Here, I've done that from my end. "You'll find out in two weeks" when his birthday is in two weeks is a perfectly normal answer.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Lied to - 2/4/2008 11:17:54 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Ugh, Valyraen is just impossible to surprise. He is way too good at guessing what I'm getting him and he just doesn't care about surprises. Asides from sneaking gummi bears into his lunch, I've kinda given up.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Lied to - 2/5/2008 12:23:52 AM   
MasterRoad


Posts: 188
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		That depends on your own feelings. Dishonesty in any form, be it a lie or cheating, is not a quality I would endure in one I was involved with.

_____________________________

No one wants their last words to be "Oh My God... the old gypsy woman was right..."

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Lied to - 2/5/2008 1:55:42 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I don't allow somebody to simply pull away.  I instead simply want to know what is on their mind and I keep an open door for them to ask questions.

Basically, Communication is what I insist upon.   I don't care if they are sub/slave, best friend, friends or whoever.   I hate playing Communication Break down mind fuck guessing games.  

I believe in high trust levels in a M/s or D/s relationship!  This means, a submissive should trust me enough to ask me anything.   To work past their fears.  Some times the fears might need to be worked on first.  

Anyways, without trust, fears can stand in the way.   Fuck all most people don't communicate properly because of Fear.  

(in reply to enslavederotica)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Lied to - 2/5/2008 2:13:30 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enslavederotica

if your owner lies to you ( even if it is the smallest lie) is it your right to pull away from him and demand he explains himself?



Yes.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to enslavederotica)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Lied to - 2/5/2008 2:31:07 AM   
Sasy


Posts: 1387
Joined: 7/5/2004
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enslavederotica

if your owner lies to you ( even if it is the smallest lie) is it your right to pull away from him and demand he explains himself?

This is something I have spent the past 2 plus years dealing with.... In a nutshell he lied about his wife.... At first I wasnt looking for someone with  a life as I wanted at some point to be with  the person I choose for the rest of my life.( trying to give the readers digest condensed version here) Any way ... I was close to moving to his area ... about 2 hours from where I lived. ( yes i suspected there was a wife I just wouldnt let self see it)  I had somethings come up and needed to  tallked to him so I called.... well ... SHE ( the wife ) called me back, she was nice under the circumstances. but long story short YES he had a wife YES he lied about her  YES I asked him up front about her.
Well I was so hurt I  honestly couldnt see through the tears, we parted .... all  he could keep saying was I never meant to hurt you... I  closed the door and never looked back till this last December when I had something published & again cussed him for not being there.  Two days later I signed in to a oLd  name and low and behold who did I see on trhe buddy list. For ten minutes I looked at his name and tried to decide if I wanted to open and old wound., maybe i  thought if i procrastinated long enough he would sign off ... Well December 3rd we started talking ... SOMETHING  we really should have tried to do 2 1/2 years ago... this time he admited  the lie not  attacked me  for other things And now we are back together and I dont think  either has ever been happier.

For us it took time apart, YES he lied to me ...  YES  it hurt... but there are times when we all lie... D/s based relationships are built  on trust and a lie CAN destroy one. Is it your right to pull away I say yes but to  demand ... probally wont get you  any where. One  getting caught in a lie puts one on the defensive as it is. You have to  decide if  the lie can be let go  ( once  you  do  find out what was behind it) or if  you  will always have issues with it.... If you are always going to hold it inside and fret  in the next one .... then none of the above is worth wasting time on.... If you  pull away  and he feels it  he may  well come forward to  you  with it and it will be soothed.

I can tell you ... I  do  regret running from his lie....  but making up can be fun too ... Look inside you  for the answer to  your delima ... is he worth it ?

_____________________________

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~ Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to enslavederotica)
Profile   Post #: 20
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