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the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:05:35 AM

Tashee

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline

Have other submissives had this happen. Please tell me, I'm getting confused and very hurt feelings. I need to figure out what are the signs before this happens again.

I meet someone new, who's attentive and takes it slow. We talk for months and meet several times without any play or sex. Everything's going great and I feel like we're really getting close. Finally I'm ready to take it deeper and with much discussion we enter into a physical relationship. So far, so good. The play and sex are great, everyone acts very happy and makes plans with me for the future.

Then, nothing. The calls stop the next day, the messages aren't answered, or only replied to in a cool and short way. Suddenly they aren't interested and become distant. No admission by them that I did anything wrong or wasn't what they wanted. Just a cold shoulder and silence.

This has happened in the last 3 relationships I got into. None were casual, and all pursued me with great interest until the Day After sex or play. Literally, the next day all intimate conversation stopped. Once with a Dom, once with a Couple, and once with a Domme. It's kicking my self esteem and making me very wary, but wariness without understanding what caused this is useless. How can you tell if someone's all about the chase, or whether I'm doing something so wrong that it turns people off and they won't tell me?

Post #: 1

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:12:08 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
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If it seems a repeating trend with different people, there's likely something happening, but it's hard to say what if none of them will tell you. Usually people who take their time to develop a relationship before jumping the pony, don't just vanish after one round of sex (in my personal experience anyway). It could be something said or done, or maybe just a really bad run of luck.

Did they end the relationship completely or just no longer pursue you sexually?

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 2

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:13:46 AM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
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Well It could be one of a few things.
First the partner, some Doms like to play wonderful little mind tricks with our heads. For example, after a session a partner made it clear we would not be talking to me for several days, because the mind trick would be amusing to him.

Second, it might be that the fantasy of you didnt measure up to the actual you. This happens on both side and is not your fault.

Lastly, it might be you, and no one has the balls to say anything about it.

I really dont know what to tell you about what to do, just that sometimes things happen, and I wish you better luck, hopefully my words are a bit helpful, and may explain a bit of the actions. The only person that can give you answers, is the person giving you the cold shoulder. Try laying off of them for a few days and approaching again in a calm, non-defensive manner. No blame, no rants. Just clear questions that are polite.

-La Kitten

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 3

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:25:59 AM

Tashee

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/30/2007
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The cold shoulder people ended all visits, emails, phone calls. That equals ending the relationship to me. They didn't say they were doing so, they just did it. Some replied briskly to a few emails, others not at all. I never ranted at them, I just wrote a few notes saying how much I enjoyed the time spent with them and said I missed them about a week later. The responses were short and cool but non-specific to what I'd written, that is, they avoided talking about anything having gone wrong (or right, for that matter) or whether or not they'd see me again.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 4

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:35:03 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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Sad to say, this really isn't a BDSM thing. You'll find "vanilla" women complaining about the same thing. I don't know what to do about it, except to forget them and move on. If you can, try to figure out something about them that will help you avoid that in the future. As to what that might be, I don't have a clue.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 5

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:37:09 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

Are you coming across as real needy during/after the sex? That can scare off people. I would take a hard look at myself, 3 different people all nice slow starts, etc which should not lead to what is happening. They where not tricks for the night. The only common factor is you, go back and do a honest review of the play/sex meeting and see what you come up with.

Mike

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 6

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:37:32 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I'm not sure of the exact progression, but how often had you been physically together and intimate before having actual sex? If you went straight to sex without the couples dinners or movies or family time together, perhaps they were just seducing you, perhaps they couldn't handle it once it got beyond that point.

Some men really do just shut down after serious intimate time- you can either accept that for yourself or not. But this seems to be a total closedown for good.

Also do you ask thema bout previous relationships, how they progressed, developed and why and how they ended?

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Post #: 7

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:41:47 AM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
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I even hate to admit at points in my past I have done...the same thing. Part of life, part of growing for...me..is figuring out why....processing it.

Why? Sometimes I COULD not even figure it out looking inside...

Some was fear...some was not wanting to make a commitment...

Some was JUST plain selfishness on my part....

Why as far as your circumstances go? No clue...

By your pic...you can probably have your choice...

Ahhh...the curse of beauty.

Take care...

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 8

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:45:14 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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Let me give you a little insight from a guy who has done this for a while.

You need a lot more than just kink and play to make something like this worth repeating. There has to be a foundation of attraction that makes someone want to include you in a lot of other enjoyable things too. One of the biggest mistakes a newbie makes, is getting tunnel vision that focuses on kink by itself.

As far as these others,I would just be looking at what sorts of personality types they were-learn to avoid such and move on. Because it's about them, not you.

Or they would at least have enough compassion to say what the issue was, rather than just be cowards and run away.

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Post #: 9

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 10:55:19 AM

atursvcMaam

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Joined: 5/10/2004
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This question is for introspection, not necessarily an answer.
What can you leave them wanting? either again of more of? do you leave them with the feeling that you are done with no future expectation, or are you pretty well satisfied with nothing left to let them know that you want more, or again? in other words do you lay the ground work for a return encounter, or have they seen everything that there is to see in you? Hopeful anticipation for the next meeting works well on both sides.
just a thought.

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 11:01:05 AM

fairerthanshe

Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
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Greetings tashee,

One thing I would recommend, is to become active in your local BDSM groups. You don't need to have sex with people to find reputable play partners for BDSM activities. Having girlfriends within the community can help as well. If I did not receive the encouragement of one particular slave gf, I might not be with SJ now.

You have cmail, too.

well wishes ~ fairer than she

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Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 11

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 11:09:58 AM

TracyTaken

Posts: 615
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

You need a lot more than just kink and play to make something like this worth repeating. There has to be a foundation of attraction that makes someone want to include you in a lot of other enjoyable things too.

I would guess it would be much harder to say "We just don't click," after sex than before.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 12

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 11:46:45 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I think all of this has been solid advice.

As others have mentioned none of us can know if you just had a streak of bad luck finding bad people or there is something on your end that is causing this reaction. All you can do is try a little objective reflection and see if something if anything went wrong without beating yourself up about it. Maybe focus on if the people you were seeing were just reflecting what you were saying and not really coming off as their own words and feelings that were being discussed.

It is unfortunate and maybe because social skills appear to be in the decline but people not having the manners to inform you they no longer are interested in you is a growing trend everywhere. I guess I can see it in a wham bam situation but obviously this was not the case and they should have done the right thing and tell you directly.

One thing I do recommend is while learning or being more careful might be the way to go, getting gun shy or negative about relationships will only hurt you in the long run.

I wish you the best the next time and please keep your chin up!

Lin

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

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(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 13

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/7/2008 3:45:36 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Some people just like the chase and conquer aspects. It happens with vanilla relationships, too. You can't control them, but what you CAN do is look at what's similar between each of these people and how you chose them, then change what YOU are doing.

Master Fire

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(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 14

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/8/2008 7:44:31 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
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This is so hard to come up with a good response to your question. However, I'm going to toss out some blunt things for you to think about.

First, you realize that this is a repeating cycle that is going on. Either it's something about you or about your choices in partners.   There may not be a damn thing wrong with you except for the type of men you are picking.

Now, in regards to clicking.   There needs to be a click to happen that makes things last.

Now perhaps you are the type of girl that lays there in bed, like a cold fish. I don't know how you are in bed. I will say this, personally... cold fish that lay there and don't respond bore bore bore me to death.   There's a lot more to sex and BDSM play beside having somebody shove their cock in your holes and cumming or you bending over to get your ass spanked.   Perhaps you are very shy about things. I honestly don't know.   I'm just making a stab in the dark here.

Another thing is that you might be all quiet and shy. Generally, this results in a lack of mental stimulation which is equally important as sexual stimulation.

I don't know what is going on. Perhaps you are just finding the DOMs that love to add notches on their bed post. There are guys out there that just want to bang somebody and use them and move onto another girl and do the same thing. You might fall for these men over and over again.

Best people for feedback are these guys. So ask questions and try to notice or pick up on things when they seem to change in the middle of having sex. When you notice that the tone suddenly changes.

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 15

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/8/2008 12:48:10 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

the only common denominator is you. now is it that you made bad choices or that there is something you did to turn people off? did you pick people who were into it for the fun of the chase and had no use for you afterwards, people who habitually use and throw people away? did you unknowingly upset them in some way, do something they did not want to be a part of or say something that presented your future intentions in a bad light? take some time, take stock in yourself, maybe even write down what you remember from these encounters, from beginning emails to the actual end of association. maybe you will find your clues there. best of luck.

PM

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(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 16

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/8/2008 12:48:21 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Some people enjoy the hunt and pursuing a lot more than the actual having. Once they had successfully wooed you, you weren't interesting to them. Usually they aren't willing to invest this much time, but some are.

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(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 17

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/8/2008 11:22:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I think this could be a case of getting what you deep down expected to find all along.

I have a few questions you can ask yourself... Is the reason you move so slow because you feel you were taken advantage of in the past? In other words do you believe that developing a slow relationship will increase the odds of the person being serious about you because you fear them not being so? In my experience it is what we fear that we attract to us. It is the way we resolve our fears. Deep down you are attracted to those who will treat you this way because you are trying to resolve it.

And I know this sounds trite, but if you have a father wound (father left you, was cold), this could be the exact thing that is causing these men to be in your life... the way to stop it is to think about all the people in your life, how those people have made you feel in your life, and how perhaps you are trying to resolve those relationships by painting their face on other people. It worked for me.

My father passed away when I was a teenager, it is only now that I am near 40 that I am coming to this place of not pushing away the relationships I so richly deserve because of my fears....

And once you find your answers and you can trust your instincts, it isn't the amount of time you know someone that shows you how trustworthy they are... it is the feeling you get from them that tells you what is what. I had sex with my Daddy the first time we met in person... and we are still seeing each other nearly two years later....just sayin

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(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 18

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/9/2008 12:38:05 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
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I think you’ve received some really good advice. Self reflection, the possibility of it being the other person, they suck at saying you’re not a fit, your choice in men, she’s so hot how can I ever keep her, it could be one reason, or all of them.

One thing I will say, don’t beat yourself up over it too much as you think about all the possibilities. You need to keep your self esteem up and move forward. Self reflection is not a ‘beat yourself up’ fest.

There are many wonderful people about and a lot of frogs to kiss before you get to them. I think it’s quite rare anyone finds the person they’re going to spend the rest of their days with the first time around, no matter what search criteria they use.

All you can do is work on things that make you a happier person and keep those things about you that you presently like about yourself.

Do keep in mind, should this ever happen again and the person tells you their reason, that doesn’t mean the others, in the past, had the same reason.

~Big

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 19

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/9/2008 1:59:54 AM

sillyfrillyboy

Posts: 64
Joined: 1/22/2008
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If they will not even tell you what is up then it is all based in fear on there part. Your issue is who are you getting attracted to and why. I have talked to many women and have come to a conclusion about many of the ones taht date "dogs" this may be true for you as well. They know that it wont go anywhere from the beginning and thats why they choose them. Some have said "Well I thought I could change him." And my repsonce is generally well either you are getting into these relationships for what I said "They really have no potential and that is safe because there is not commitment" or your "not to bright"... sorry to be blunt but when I tell a girl that this guy has slept with X to the power f 10 women and then run after them there really is only two options. The main thing I know is that I am looking for a partner so they are not ready.

Fear is pretty much everything in a relationship case in point if you dont mind....

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

I even hate to admit at points in my past I have done...the same thing. Part of life, part of growing for...me..is figuring out why....processing it.

Why? Sometimes I COULD not even figure it out looking inside...

Some was fear...some was not wanting to make a commitment...

*********
fear of making a commitment...
*********

Some was JUST plain selfishness on my part....
*******
selfishness is driven by fear... it is driven by the fact that my needs will not be met so I better look out for number 1
*******

Why as far as your circumstances go? No clue...

By your pic...you can probably have your choice...

Ahhh...the curse of beauty.
*******
In my experience the more attractive the women the more responsive they are to being treated poorly... Its almost as if they are intregued by someone who is not taken in by there looks.... I also think that attractive women think that is the only thing they have to offer... they dont realize that the have personality traits that many men find attractive...
*******

Take care...

A few other things... this is not only a woman issue. Especially if you are a boy who likes allot of emotinal stuff... likes that closeness aspect of a relationship... Many women I have talked have classified me as needy before... And they where right in one respect and not right in anouther. If I need that person to make me feel ok then yes I am being needy... IF I am getting self esteam from someone else I am being a burden on them. Everyone is trying to find happiness in life and is not far of me to make my happiness there job there trying to find there own... if that makes any sence...

On the other hand if you just shared a truly intimate experience with someone you are damn straight entitled to a little respect if not closeness with this person. If he is not telling you what is up and there deffinatly is something up then he is a little bitch and treat him accordingly... he had the nuts to take you to bed he had better have the nuts to be straight forward and honest with you. This "I dont want to hurt her feelings" is a bunch of crappy pooh... because there is only one persons feelings being considered here and its his...

Finally next time you see someone who looks interested but you dont like his personality or he might not be a 10 or even a nine... he might be a 6 or 7... he might be a little nerdy or self consious... and he may not be your first or second or even tenth choice... date him... What do you have to lose... you picker just might be broken...

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 20

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