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julietsierra -> RE: being strong ... holding it together (2/14/2008 3:22:21 AM)
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How about just leaving guilt and intent and all that alone and discussing the idea that sometimes submissives - even if they're bottoming - have to make and come to terms with difficult decisions and situations (you can take your pick of which difficult situation that might be in your own life). How about instead of lambasting someone you just focus on the intent of the post encompassed in this paragraph:
Secondly so much is written on these boards about what it takes to be so and so, how to behave like such and such, what is a True this that or the other. This is especially true of submissives and slave questionning how they should behave in their submission. Very little is ever said about the strength it takes .. the proactive strength I should say rather than the passive.
The circumstances of sofness' situation doesn't really matter. I'm quite sure many of us could come up with our own circumstances in which we've had to be strong when we might have really wished we didn't have to be. Many of those situations have been actually stated in this thread. However, instead of exploring the idea of strength, we've made it all about how wrong softness was, how WRONG (in capital letters for emphasis) her friend was and how we'd all have done it so differently.
Man! Maybe I misunderstood the thread. This seemed to be about something positive that we, from time to time have to experience, even though it seems negative at the time.
My experience was when his mother was ill and dying. He spent every single day at the hospital. He'd go to work, and then go straight to the hospital and stay until visiting hours were over. Then he'd go home and deal with the upheaval his mother's illness was creating in his family. Then, the next morning, he'd get up and do it all over again. There wasn't any time in there for me. I could have added to his plate by telling him that if he could find the time, I'd love to see him, or I could have kept my mouth shut, listened to him when he was hurting and know that eventually, we'd be able to find a few moments when we could. I chose not to say anything to him. The way I figured, I was inconsequential in the bigger scheme of his mother's passing. And that was just fine by me. His mother was the head of her family. He is the one who has taken that position. He certainly didn't need me getting in the middle of it all. And so, I waited - silently - offering him nothing more than a shoulder to lean on should he need it and a place to rest when he could afford it. The way I looked at it is that this was what he needed at that time. I wasn't focused on what I needed. My needs were just not all that important at that moment in time.
I could have made him feel guilty or acted in a mature fashion saying "I know your mom is ill, but I need some time too." and maybe I'd have gotten that time. But if I had said that, and if the call had come in the middle of that time, he'd have been dealing with a guilt far greater than I could ever have inflicted on him for the rest of his life. He needed to be there. I needed to not stand in his way. I missed him. It was hard. But it was necessary.
And yes...dominants do this too... but this wasn't a thread about dominants. It was a thread about one submissive's thoughts regarding what had happened to her and how she was relating that to a bigger idea of not only appropriate behavior but abject strength of spirit.
Thanks softness, for pointing out that sometimes, this stuff just takes strength and giving a good example of such rather than the chest beating that we often see in here about "I'm a submissive but I'm also a strong woman..." This was the quiet strength that often never gets discussed. Unfortunately, now we can see why.
juliet
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