A life in contradiction?

A life in contradiction? (Full Version)

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usedandpurrin -> A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:05:15 PM)
i'm not sure how to explain this, or even the point in explanation. i guess i'm used to being open about how i feel, i have been told that i am maybe a little too open. But i do know how to keep my mouth shut when i need to or when it is someone else's confidence that i am keeping. My mother was a strong woman. She taught me from an early age to be strong, independant, open minded and to NOT follow the crowd. She always taught me not to like everyone else. To work out what was right for me and go with it. Sound good? It probably was, her advice and encouragement no doubt helped me to be who i am today. Unfortnately her actions never seemed to follow her words. At 18 i met and fell in love with a computor technition. He was a great guy but my mother SERIOUSLY disliked him. She didnt like the fact that he was 11 years older then me but mostly hated his side job. He made porn. Dont get the worng idea. He wasnt in the movies or involved in the shooting in any way. More production. He built and maintained their website and mass produced their DVD's. My mother HATED this and thought it was very wrong (i never got why) ashe had many more weird opinions like this. My eldest Sister is the same only more so. We barely talk any more. I guess what im trying to say is that i was bought up in a very rigid way. Vanilla was the only way for my family. I guess vanilla may be the wrong word here. Conservative maybe? I have endured many lectures on how i choose to dress. (baring in mind i AM 24 now, lol) And it isnt even that bad, sure ill wear tops that show cleavage and not let it worry me, but these are mostly with jeans, i dont generally wear short skirts and you will never see me in shorts. but this is apparantly 'inapropriate day wear'. I cant imagine what they would think of my slave tendancies nor at this point do i really want to. But i have to admit all this has had an effect on me. I wonder, (and i am probably asking the worng people) am i wrong in my lifestyle choices? i am afraid, this i will admit. i know what i am. i know i am a slave and that i am happiest while serving. i know i want to find a Master that i may serve and please. but i am also afraid of this. there is still some part of me, screaming in my head somewhere that it is not right, that it is not an acceptable way to live ones life. i was bought up to be independant and to meet a guy, fall in love, marry, have a bunch of kids, get a morgage, buy a house etc, etc, etc.. but the monotany of that lifestyle leaves me bored, filled with complacancy and just makes me what to run. Yet i am afraid of my true nature, WHY? What is it that makes me feel it's so wrong, so contrary to everything i have believed in before. don't misunderstand me please, i do not juge anyone for how they wish to lead their lives, vanilla BDSM or whatever, seriously it doesnt bother me. its their life, their choise and i wish them well. i just dont understand why i am filled with conflict, and have yet to surrender to what i know is my true nature. why am i still frightened? Sorry to go on, lol. - i have a habbit of doing that, lol Love Purin xxx

GreedyTop -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:13:35 PM)
hugs Purin... I don't think it's all that unusual for people just coming into this 'lifestyle' to feel conflicted. There's no way anyone but YOU can answer whether or not it is right for you. But keep in mind: the marriage/kids/white picket fence etc and THIS are not mutually exclusive :) I hope that you can find your answers, and are able to be happy, whichever side of the fence you land on :)

RedMagic1 -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:21:15 PM)
Get ready. I'm about to use a dirty dirty word. Are you sitting down? You're NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bwahahahahahahaha Feel better now? (or worse, if you like that better).... or, wait, if I'm a sadist, and you like feeling worse, I, uh, hope you feel....better? Um.... I think I need to practice more. Shit.

LadyLolly -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:23:11 PM)
Strong, independant, openminded and don't follow the crowd. Hmmmm Don't you think if and when you find that Master you seek that you will know you are on the path you have chosen and that it is exactly where you should and want to be?

DesFIP -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:25:24 PM)
You know some of us have those boring lives filled with house, ums, pets and still submit. You can have it all. And at 24 it is normal to still have some conflicts about your sexuality. But I have to tell you, some of your dreams about being a slave are entirely unrealistic. There is no seething sexual excitement about picking up his dirty socks and washing them. None at all.

XiaoTheOwl -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:27:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 Feel better now? (or worse, if you like that better).... or, wait, if I'm a sadist, and you like feeling worse, I, uh, hope you feel....better? Um.... I think I need to practice more. Shit. This made me laugh... Thanks.

Kana -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:28:15 PM)
Purrin, Almost everyone wrestles with this at some point or another, often for years. It's the battle between being who we are and being what society expects us to be. (and sometimes the society that is pushing is the BDSM crowd and the conflicted person turns out to be just a bit kinky). When you throw in familial expectations and the standard fears of "What will they think of me if they find out?" of course there is considerable soul searching that goes on. I suspect that almost nobodies family raised them to be a slave, or to be a man who enjoys beating women (but only if they like it, the good kind of pain.). To not have a fear would be irrational. To be able to acknowledge that you do have a fear and then confront it is the beginning of being able to conquer it. It takes a lot of courage to decide to live a life outside of the norm, to fly in the face of accepted conventions and to know that many will judge you for what you have chosen, or worse, judge you for who you are. Part of the acceptance comes with age, as I have grow older I have found that I am neither harnessed nor harassed by the opinions of others. Frankly I just don't care what most people think.But a lot of that came from coming to terms with who I am inside myself and being comfortable with that. I hope that that helps in some small way. Those years of conflict were painful ones.

MichiganHeadmast -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:28:33 PM)
Your mom is who she is, and God bless her for that. You are who you are, too. Welcome to your life. Keep according your mom all the love and consideration she deserves for giving you life and getting you off to a fine start. But you have to follow your heart. You may do her a favor by not laying too much on her right away. If you reveal more about yourself, do it gradually and give her the same respect for her feelings as you would like her to give you.

usedandpurrin -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:32:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 Get ready. I'm about to use a dirty dirty word. Are you sitting down? You're NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bwahahahahahahaha Feel better now? (or worse, if you like that better).... or, wait, if I'm a sadist, and you like feeling worse, I, uh, hope you feel....better? Um.... I think I need to practice more. Shit. OUCH! - no i think you do quite well at sadism, lol. Darling im a freak and proud of it ;)

XiaoTheOwl -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:36:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP But I have to tell you, some of your dreams about being a slave are entirely unrealistic. There is no seething sexual excitement about picking up his dirty socks and washing them. None at all. This... Hmm... This really gets me because I don't understand how a 'Dom' in control...control, of his life, is unable to pick up his own damn shit... I cook, I clean, I wash my dishes, I don't need a sub/slave, or even 'maid', if you will, to do this for me. I also believe, that if I allowed a pet of mine to consistantly pick up after me, (all the time) I would begin to loose the natural impulse to keep clean. Thus, the beginning to lazyness... not good... However, I'd love to watch her clean my place, naked, and possibly semi bound, just for the entertainment.weg Mwuuhahaha

usedandpurrin -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:37:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP You know some of us have those boring lives filled with house, ums, pets and still submit. You can have it all. And at 24 it is normal to still have some conflicts about your sexuality. But I have to tell you, some of your dreams about being a slave are entirely unrealistic. There is no seething sexual excitement about picking up his dirty socks and washing them. None at all. Ok so obviously i have not explained myself too well. Please allow me to clarify. I moved out of home at... 16. have lived with 3 different men, the shortest of these for 2 years. I know all about the realities of living with them and dealinf with dirty socks, laundry. cooking, cleaning, feeding his friends etc.. if i was after a little sexual excitment i know pleanty who would provide it. Slaver is NOT about that for me. Although i realise that there is a strong sexual eliment to it, iu feel a deep urge to submit and serve. but all of my vanilla boyfriends have been mentally weaker then me and would never have been able to dominate me. Truat me, housework i dont have an issue with nor do i have a romantisised or fetish view of BDSM

subtee -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:37:23 PM)
Good grief you boys... ~bites the shit out of her tongue~

RedMagic1 -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 7:37:56 PM)
Hey -- I've got Weird Al on my player too. You are a freak.

subtee -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 8:05:53 PM)
FR~ Okay, can't do it. I'll happily get slapped for this. I've lost much respect; while you are all tripping over your dicks, read, actually READ her profile: 1.30.08: interest in someone; 2.5.08 collared--no, no an "owned slave." 2.10.08 "no longer an owned slave." quote: sure ill wear tops that show cleavage and not let it worry me, but these are mostly with jeans, i dont generally wear short skirts and you will never see me in shorts. but this is apparantly 'inapropriate day wear'. I cant imagine what they would think of my slave tendancies nor at this point do i really want to. Are you kidding me? quote: i didnt know anyone else interested in this lifestyle and had always felt slightly peverted and 'wrong' in my sexual preferences. i enjoy rough sex, (ok understatement) i love voyerism. i like to be tied up, held down, bitten, scratched and have hot wax dripped... every where. i didnt know anyone else like that (my mother and sisters hate the mere existance of porn, so the fact that i enjoyed watching it and furthermore, making my own movies used to fill me with a deep sense of shame. but it went further then that. i have a deep desire to please. this was NOT news to me. i generally tie myself into knotts looking to please everyone all the time. Her boyfriend's in porn and she didn't know? There are 2 quotes about "tie[ing] herself in knotts (sic)" quote: i did not go into this lightheatedly and spent months reasearching all aspects of BDSM. i soon realised that i was a slave - (not a sub) ... quote: i have a very strong will and personality. i am used to people leaning on me and being a 'dominating influence' in the lives of my friends. my Master has to therefore be stronger, mentally, physically and emotionally then me. all my vanilla boyfriends have been weaker then me and this have FORCED me to be the dominant half. the "slave" god i'm disappointed.

RedMagic1 -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 8:09:45 PM)
What's that? I can't hear very well right now. I tripped and hit my head.

Jeffff -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 8:11:12 PM)
smoooches Tee Jeff

subtee -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 8:11:40 PM)
you sure did :(

RedMagic1 -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 8:18:02 PM)
I'm not going to read the journal of everyone who posts. I assume people tell the truth until they show me otherwise. I find that if I expect the best from people, they often go out of their way to give me as much as they can. I'm not going to apologize or feel bad for treating this poster the same way I treat everybody else.

MistressOfGa -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 8:32:15 PM)
quote: And at 24 it is normal to still have some conflicts about your sexuality. But I have to tell you, some of your dreams about being a slave are entirely unrealistic. There is no seething sexual excitement about picking up his dirty socks and washing them. None at all. How do you know that there isn't someone, somewhere who gets sexually aroused by picking up their Master's dirty socks. It IS possible. Just because there may be no seething sexual excitement for YOU, doesn't mean there isnt any for another person. Their kink may not be your kink...blah blah blah.. Edited for typing

subtee -> RE: A life in contradiction? (2/12/2008 8:32:43 PM)
And that's of course within your rights to do. I"m not chastising her, and I have no interest in engaging with a person who offers such a ridiculous Pavlovian post and profile. Nor would I be interested in engaging with a Dom or Master whose offer to the world (or CM), had to do with how much money he has, even though he might be well received by some (again in a Pavlovian response), simply for giving the lowest common denominator. My reaction is, for some men that I dug interacting with, I've lost respect. I apologize, usedandpurrin, for the vitriol found here, proffered by me. It is not directed at you and I do wish you well.

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