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How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 4:16:33 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I had a session today with my daddy, and the first half went great. The second half turned into a nightmare. He had told me that he would fist me, and would start gently. By the time I was screaming no and crying he was telling me to shut up. He left me bleeding.

Then he took me anally with no preparation. He got off, felt great, then cuddeled me. I sat and cried. I lit a cigarette and was shaking so badly I could harly strike a match. I apologized to him later for not being up to his standards, and he finally compared the size of his fist to mine. (He had me prepare by fisting myself.) He apologized for not realizing the size difference, but never realized that I felt raped and had to pray for strength through the whole thing.

He had told me that we were destined to be together. Now I'm afraid to ever see him again. Anyone been through anything similar?

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RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 4:27:00 PM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

Never been through anything like that since I would have kicked his ass the second he even dare to put a fist near me down there.

Don't see how it's "destiny" if someone can't understand that you're truely in a great deal of pain and not enjoying it at all.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 4:33:24 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

I am assuming you used your safe word, if so run don't walk away from this person who will not respect you or your limits.

Mike

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 4:37:25 PM

badlittleboyboy2

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/17/2004
Status: offline

From personal experience, its not easy when things go wrong. The feelings you have are normal. Unfortunatly, if he cannot understand that, then I would honestly question his sincerity, repect for you and his integerity. I am not sure if anything can truely be said to help ease the pain or make you feel calmer. I wish I had better words or thoughts for you.

If you ever wish to talk feel free to message me.

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 4:37:26 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Sounds like a breach of trust. A serious breach, at that, from what you've told us.

You need to decide for yourself if this is a relationship you wish to continue to participate in. If you are, you're both going to have to very seriously address this trust breach, and give yourselves time to get past it. If you're not, then I'd end it now while the burn is still fresh in your mind.

Regards,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 4:38:18 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

wow ... ok so communication is something you have to work on, some people dont like safewords (there will be loads of threads on them so go have a look)

firstly, if you are being physically damaged by your play, that needs to be addressed immediately, no nonesense about destiny, your destiny wont lst long if he keeps harming you

secondly, it is no failing to be in pain and want to stop, there is nothing wrong with having met your limit EVER and do not let him make you feel bad for needing to stop. It is unclear from your OP what level of power exchange you are in but unless you are deeply deeply TPE then there must be some grounds on which you negotiate and communicate about your play.

thirdly, get yourself to a doctor and check no damage was done

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(in reply to Usako)

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RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:11:46 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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We've had things go wrong but he's never ignored me being in pain and needing to stop. Since I knew the situation was not his fault I never thought I would be unsafe seeing him again. I just distrusted play because it could go bad again.

If you decide you want to see him again, he needs to address why he ignored you like this, why he told you to shut up, why he ignored the blood on his fist, and why he just didn't care about what shape you were in? And how does he propose to make himself a person who doesn't do this in the future?

Beyond that, you take back control. You start over from the beginning and you go slower than you did in the beginning. And you decide how much and for how long. And he accepts that without saying you aren't a true sub, or that you're topping from the bottom or any other of that drivel. He accepts that he lost the right to have control and that he needs to prove himself trustworthy. If he can.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

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(in reply to softness)

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RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:26:34 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

You now feel unsafe with him. Period. It's time to back the train up. He can go back to square one and try to rebuild what he's lost with you, and then some, if you let him.
You don't have to give him the chance to earn back that trust again.
If you feel violated, and you feel he doesn't care that he's done that to you, then walk. If he doesn't care what he did to you, then he won't care again in the future. I think something that serious deserves a very serious talk, if he thinks it's a dismissable issue... expect it to happen again.

Don't let some manufactured guilt ever interupt your gut instinct. If your gut tells you to flee, then flee. No shame in self preservation, and it doesn't make you bad or wrong or any other stupid thing someone tries to tell you.
Do what is best for you, what is safest for you, and what is healthy for you.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:34:26 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Thank you. He doesn't believe in safe words, so I thought that screaming out in pain and saying "no" was enough. Boy, was I wrong. I am a service slave, not a pain slut. I wasn't surprised when I saw blood when I cleaned up - it hurt like hell. Being submissive is one thing; feeling like you were just raped is another. Yes, I put myself on the bed but I never expected that kind of pain.

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(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:34:52 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I'm sorry, but this is not bdsm. This is abuse.
He got what he wanted, did not care about your crying and your pain, and took what he wanted.
You should not let him explain away his lack of concern or respect for who you are.
My Master would never purposely hurt me beyond my limits.
The one time it happened, He apologized. (and stopped when He realized He had gone too far.)
Yours kept going until He 'got his'. His apology seems to be less of an apology, and more a placebo to make you submit again.
I suggest (highly recomend) you don't.
It wasn't bad enough he had to fist you until you were bleeding, screaming and in tears?
He had to rape you anally?
And this is ok?!!
Send him to me.
I would like to 'session' with him for an hour...

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:43:40 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Fisting and anal sex are two things that shouldn't be attempted by anyone who doesn't know what they're doing. One of the basic rules of both is plenty of preparation, and a sure sign of a Dom who knows what he's doing, and more importantly CARES about what it's doing to YOU, is that he stops immediately when the sub is obviously distressed as you were.

Apparently, he also isn't smart enough to know that men's fists are usually larger than women's. I'd tell him to go fist himself and hit the road. He's a Loser.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 2/13/2008 5:45:40 PM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:48:20 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

Several hundred cuss words later (Deep Breath). Safewords are wonderful things, IF you REMEMBER to use them. When a scene is going horribly wrong, trying to remember your safe word when you are paniced, in pain and struggling with yourself is not easy. Don't blame yourself if you didn't remember to use it. Blame him if he ignored it if you DID use it.

Fisting is not easy on any receptor and if this was your first time with him doing it as you indicated, painful. the human fist is no larger than a baby's head but things can tear, and the body prepares for childbirth with labor.Tears still happen but may require a stitch or two to repair if it went into the perianal wall. If you are not still bleeding it is already probably healing, mucous membranes are real good at that. A basin of warm water with epsom salts will help with the pain and healing. Please stay away from aspirin, naproxim (advil) will help with the deep muscle.
aches. Anally it may be the same situation as vaginally. If you are not actively bleeding or finding blood in the toilet, you are already beginning to heal. Watch it closely, see your doctor if you have ANY CONCERNS at all.

Now for the main issue from my point of view. He failed YOU, you did not fail him. When doing anything new with someone a responsible Dom should be checking every blessed step of the way with the sub/slave. Her reactions have to dictate how far and fast to go. If there is marked evidence of distress, such as screaming, crying, bleeding, fear, panic, anything, STOP, ease up, see where you are and if the sub can continue. sometimes what works one day will send someone into a tailspin the next, awareness of your partner's state is paramount. Yes I know it is easy to get focused in on what you are doing as a Dom but you can't lose sight of the fact that the person in your hands is a living breathing creature that you can seriously hurt if you are not careful.

This "Dom" failed a crucial tenet, and destroyed not broke trust. That he cuddled you afterwards is wonderful, that he realized his error after the fact and accepted responsibility for it, good. But he is going to have to move the boulder of Sisyphus to regain any measure of trust from you.

That said, I have to ask, point blank, what were the dynamics of the relationship with him. Are we talking submission, slavery or some dynamic mixture? Had you given him consent to do anything he desired to you, or is each thing discussed and negotiated? Consider it seriously and if need be renegotiate from there. One thing you should not do is allow fear to rule you, and right now that is very easy to do. Do not scene with him, work first on being in his presence without trying to back into a corner and defend yourself. He is going to have to work hard to regain any trust if the relationship is going to survive, and may well have to put all his desires scene wise aside for some time, just to help you move through this. That too is his responsibility, but you control his access to do so at this point in time.

Take it slow and take care of yourself first. Medically and emotionally.

poenkitten

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:50:32 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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Have you talked to him about how you feel and if so, what was his reaction?

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 5:55:49 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

Honey;

I am a slave, my Master can do just about anything he desires, but even HE believes in Safewords. They are not just there to stop a scene. They are a way of informing the Dom that something is wrong, whether it is a hand going numb, an asthma attack or the fact you are about to have a bout of diarrhea on him if you don't get to the bathroom. They are a stop and listen signal, not just a stop everything unless you Red. That is something I have only done once and it wasn't from pain, my asthma had kicked up and I couldn't draw a full breath, something he had no way of knowing.

If he is playing pain games with a service slave that are beyond what she can handle normally then a safeword is a MUST. If he won't use or honor them, you deserve someone FAR better in your life.

poenkitten

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 6:05:33 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

Listen to these posters. they are telling you it like it is and are giving you wonderful advice.

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(in reply to BlackPhx)

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RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 6:27:26 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

The other day Sir had all 4 of His fingers in me. All I had to say was "Please, that hurts a bit" and He immediately removed one finger so that I was comfortable again. No way would He continue to force the issue until I was bleeding. After all, why would He want to break His toy both physically and emotionally?

Sir and I have safewords. However at that time it was quicker and easier to just tell Him what was wrong rather than use the word.

I broke things off with a man once (not a Dom) because he did not listen when I told him he was hurting me. I felt that I could never trust him with my body again.

quote:

By the time I was screaming no and crying he was telling me to shut up.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He sounds like an ass who only thought of himself. I would be rethinking the whole relationship if it was me.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 6:31:30 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

We do not have safewords.
That does not mean that they are not good ideas, though.
But whether you do, or do not have safe words, the same rules apply; once you've crossed the line, all play needs to stop at least until things can be discussed and agreed upon.
This does not sound like a ssc type relationship to me.

~Christina

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 6:56:47 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

To me, it does not matter if this was the first time you played together or the 100th...what he did to you was wrong and abusive.

He did not have enough knowledge/experience to play with you in those ways...either that...or he did not care about doing it the right way.

Telling you to shut up when he is fisting you...whether you were bleeding or not is unacceptable.
Communication/trust is what the whole D/s dynamic is built on.

YOU had nothing to apologize for.

I would not let him near me again.

A Daddy is supposed to nurture and protect...he caused harm
...consentual pain is one thing -- harm is something completely different.
He had disregard for your wellbeing.

You deserve better.... .

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 7:03:16 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
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To the OP,

You get the idea by now. This is not what you signed up for, and he doesn't have the patience to do this properly. Letting go right now as Stephan mentioned seems to be the best course of action; witth the physical and mental pain still fresh, it will be easier to let him go, compared to doing it when they have faded. If you absoluteely want to give him another shot, leave it at writing down how you feel, bluntly and honestly, and having him read it; if his response is not completely up to spec, he is not worth giving another chance. Period.

I would second the suggestion that you consult a doctor as soon as possible to make sure no damage was done, and that infections are avoided.

Your guy had no clue what he was doing, as evidenced by failing to realize the size difference between your hands and his, and that alone would prompt me to discontinue contact with such a person. There is a major difference between careful exploration of a thing one is not experienced with, and forcing it. That is a case of him thinking with his dick, and the usual (complete) lapse in rational thinking that happens when males allow all the blood to move from their upper head to their lower one.

He probably had a good time of it, too, and I would hope you don't reward him for that by continuing your contact with him.

Heck, I'm a sick puppy myself. When I first started playing with my girl, in the ignorance of youth, I would've loved nothing more than to force it and rejoice at her screams and pleas. I had all the same unrealistic fantasies as your guy did, and my only exposure to it was through porn. The most important difference is that I damn well knew that I was clueless, that my fantasies probably had no root in reality, that porn is never representative of real life, and most importantly: that I had no business using the girl I love as a guinea pig.

Hence, I opted not to think with my dick, despite the temptation to do exactly that. I was patient. I kept my wits about me. I paid attention to what I was doing, how she was responding to it, and how her body was reacting to it. I kept the phone handy, in case anything went wrong. I went slow, erring on the side of caution. I explored with her, remaining in control not merely by virtue of being the dominant party, but by also remaining in control of myself. Not knowing everything isn't what your guy did wrong. No dominant is infallible. What he did wrong was to put his dick and his fantasies first, along with not caring about what he didn't know, or how it affected you.

I can't see any good reason to have any further contact with the guy, except to let him know, in no uncertain terms, just how badly he messed up.

If this is his destiny, it's the sort you'd expect from a Greek tragedy, not something you'd want to be part of, I think.

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 7:06:05 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

This does not sound like a ssc type relationship to me.

Perhaps a better wording:

«This does not sound like a relationship to me.»

He was getting off at her expense, and not giving a flying fuck about consequences.

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 20

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