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Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 5:35:49 PM

JakkthePirate

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline

I have only been doing this for about 4 months. I have done quite a bit of research but, you cant research everything. I have a bit of a conundrum. As much as I am suppose to be the Dom i will concede that i do not know everthing. I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. Now this is My question... How do I ask for help from my submissive on how to better Dominate her? I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. If I cant ask her who do I ask? Being new to the scene I dont know anyone in it and where I am from I have not seen it. thank you for your input.

Post #: 1

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 5:39:49 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Give her a strap on and a flogger, and tell her to 'teach you the ropes'. Oh, and a gag might be a good idea if this is your first time...

I'm actually just kidding though.
Get out in your community to bdsm events and meet and talk to experienced players. Start off slow, and work your way up.

~Christina

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 2

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 5:44:50 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Ask her how she feels about things, what she dreams about, have her write erotic stories. Pay attention to her reactions when you interact.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 3

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:04:03 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Almost everything I know I learned from female subs. Just ask her. It's not unDomly or unmanly to learn and improve.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 4

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:22:58 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

I have only been doing this for about 4 months. I have done quite a bit of research but, you cant research everything. I have a bit of a conundrum. As much as I am suppose to be the Dom i will concede that i do not know everthing. I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. Now this is My question... How do I ask for help from my submissive on how to better Dominate her? I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. If I cant ask her who do I ask? Being new to the scene I dont know anyone in it and where I am from I have not seen it. thank you for your input.

Take her face in your hands
Look her square in the eye (put a bit of a leer in it)
Say in a rich baritone voice "What is your desire?"

Or you could just ask her straight out what she identifies as her needs, desires, limits, etc.

She's a woman, not a cocker spaniel. The only way to figure her out is to talk to her.

_____________________________

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 5

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:25:28 PM

JakkthePirate

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline

SUB (Not submisive :P ) question... What do I do with and answer like "You are the Dom that is Your desision." when it comes to questions of boundries. It would appear that she has none. when i am positive everyone has them

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 6

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:29:44 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

SUB (Not submisive :P ) question... What do I do with and answer like "You are the Dom that is Your desision." when it comes to questions of boundries. It would appear that she has none. when i am positive everyone has them

You're the captain. Set a course and give the command.

If she's saying "You're the Dom"...she's telling you she wants you to choose the scene, the toys, the kink, the rules...in other words...decide what you want and tell her "this is how it will be."

Don't worry about her limits. They're there, and when you bump into one you'll know it straight away.

Massive doses of learning will occur in the seconds immediately following that encounter.

_____________________________

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 7

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:32:18 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

I have only been doing this for about 4 months. I have done quite a bit of research but, you cant research everything. I have a bit of a conundrum. As much as I am suppose to be the Dom i will concede that i do not know everthing. I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. Now this is My question... How do I ask for help from my submissive on how to better Dominate her? I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. If I cant ask her who do I ask? Being new to the scene I dont know anyone in it and where I am from I have not seen it. thank you for your input.

Take her face in your hands
Look her square in the eye (put a bit of a leer in it)
Say in a rich baritone voice "What is your desire?"

Or you could just ask her straight out what she identifies as her needs, desires, limits, etc.

She's a woman, not a cocker spaniel. The only way to figure her out is to talk to her.

Ok I was liking the 1st scenario

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 8

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:34:06 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

SUB (Not submisive :P ) question... What do I do with and answer like "You are the Dom that is Your desision." when it comes to questions of boundries. It would appear that she has none. when i am positive everyone has them

You're the captain. Set a course and give the command.

If she's saying "You're the Dom"...she's telling you she wants you to choose the scene, the toys, the kink, the rules...in other words...decide what you want and tell her "this is how it will be."

Don't worry about her limits. They're there, and when you bump into one you'll know it straight away.

Massive doses of learning will occur in the seconds immediately following that encounter.

So true. When she slaps you in the face or screams so loud the police arrive, you'll know you pushed a boundary. Unless she IS a cocker spaniel, cuz I know bugger all about dogs.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 9

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:36:02 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

If she has a history of childhood physical or sexual abuse, she may have very few limits, or be unaware how to set them. Regardless, to emphasize CelticLord's point, if it's up to you to explain the scene, you tell her, among other things: "These are the limits during this particular scene." Then, you don't exceed them, period. She learns to trust that you enforce and follow your own structure.

She may have no idea what her limits are. You are taking her on a voyage of self-discovery. Have fun!

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 10

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 6:37:20 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

So true. When she slaps you in the face or screams so loud the police arrive, you'll know you pushed a boundary. Unless she IS a cocker spaniel, cuz I know bugger all about dogs.

Aftercare is usually the first lesson that gets learned....probably to cut down on the 911 calls

_____________________________

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 11

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 7:15:17 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

It's really no different then anything else in life that requires you to move out of your comfort zone and do things that you have never done before.

The only difference is there is this expectation floating around that you are supposed to be the super Dominant who knows everything, makes all the right decisions, never makes mistakes, and has shit that smells like roses.

Avoiding submissives with lofty expectations disconnected from reality helps tremendously.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 12

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 9:15:50 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia
...
cuz I know bugger all about dogs.

See now, for a lot of people, that's a hard limit.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 13

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 9:58:20 PM

MasterBlueTiger

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for posting this one. I went to my first munch around May/June last year, so I am fairly new myself. Lots of good advice.
By the way, if you have not already you should find a munch group. Its a nice low prssure way to learn things. Somone there even pointed this site out to me. You should have lots of fun.

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 14

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 10:04:01 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Look for classes. There are a number of groups that put on different classes for all levels of experience, including rank beginners.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to MasterBlueTiger)

Post #: 15

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/16/2008 10:36:38 PM

MasterBlueTiger

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Look for classes. There are a number of groups that put on different classes for all levels of experience, including rank beginners.

Cali

Classes would be nice. Any good site referals or anything. I am stuck in a work "slow season"

right now so discount would be nice.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 16

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 12:12:30 AM

HerLord

Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

SUB (Not submisive :P ) question... What do I do with and answer like "You are the Dom that is Your desision." when it comes to questions of boundries. It would appear that she has none. when i am positive everyone has them

You're the captain. Set a course and give the command.

If she's saying "You're the Dom"...she's telling you she wants you to choose the scene, the toys, the kink, the rules...in other words...decide what you want and tell her "this is how it will be."

Don't worry about her limits. They're there, and when you bump into one you'll know it straight away.

Massive doses of learning will occur in the seconds immediately following that encounter.

Brilliantly said!

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 17

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 1:35:56 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

SUB (Not submisive :P ) question... What do I do with and answer like "You are the Dom that is Your desision." when it comes to questions of boundries. It would appear that she has none. when i am positive everyone has them

Great question. Since she has given you enuff rope to hang yourself from the yardarm. Determine what you enjoi bondage, spanking whatever... and move slowly and enjoi the ride.

BadOne

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 18

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 4:08:29 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Ask her how she feels about things, what she dreams about, have her write erotic stories. Pay attention to her reactions when you interact.

Yep, in short... learn the girl, what drives and motivates her. That holds true wether You have 'been doing this for 4 months' or for 27 years because each girl, each slave, sub and/or playmate is an individual. Whilst some of the responces will be familiar others won't be and you are dealing with an individual not a cookie-cutter sub with 'made in stepford' stamped on her ass.

That you have the confidence to admit "I don't know everything" is a good thing.... Hell I've been doing this 27 years and I sure as hell don't know everything. There are always new things to learn, new skills to Master, new experiences to explore... each one teaches You more about Yourself.... and also, as said, with each new person there is so much to learn about them as a person too.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 2/17/2008 4:10:02 AM >

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 7:08:08 AM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

How much experience does the submissive you're playing with have? She may need you to help her discover her limits, and not even realize that she does have them. Everyone has limits, or as someone said above, she's not grounded in reality but is totally lost in fantasyland. Perhaps you could discuss a scene ahead of time if you are trying something new so that she can consent to it. Then you can toss in a few things she doesn't know are coming and you know she enjoys (or at least are within her limits) to keep her on her toes. A thought - have her complete a 'BDSM checklist' that you can google - all sorts of activities are listed there, including the intensity of the activity. You may find this to be helpful in having a conversation about where you both want to go with play. You are probably also learning what you enjoy, so try and look at this as a process.

In some ways, discussion of a scene in advance could take some of the thrill away for a submissive, but if both of you are learning I think this is the safest way to continue. It won't be long before you're both learning a lot about one another if your communication is open.

< Message edited by Bound2One -- 2/17/2008 7:10:53 AM >

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 20

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