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RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 7:12:50 AM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

Do what feels natural, one cannot Dominate someone who doesn't submit--sit down and go through what ifs, scenarios---" I wont tell you who to vote for but I will tell you what to wear"-find out what she needs from you in her submissive state as well---as MrMerc says, put it out there in the extremes and see where you two are on the spectrum then start from there with little things--and remember there is a fine line bewteeen Dominant and Domineering, domineering is in an instant--Dominance is an art.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 21

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 8:14:42 AM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

I really like Celticlords response, as well as SailingBum and RavenMuse and agree with the advice to take charge and take things slow and discover who you are as a dominant and/or a sadist. But, the only way to get experience is to practice, practice, practice. But remember this being a Master is a road or a journey, not a destination. You will succeed and fail and learn for your entire life, do not get caught up in the trap you think you know everything, keep an open mind and improve daily. The big differance is not that you have doubt or trepidation but your willingness to believe in yourself and forge ahead in spite of obstacles in your way. Your thoughts will become action, your actions will craft how people will percieve you, those perceptions will foster belief in you, and that belief will earn you the title of Master in thier eyes.

Good Luck and Blessing Be upon your journey
BlackPhx

"I am not kissing your ass, I am dominating it with powerful blows from my lips"

(in reply to LadyHathor)

Post #: 22

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 10:48:30 AM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

SUB (Not submisive :P ) question... What do I do with and answer like "You are the Dom that is Your desision." when it comes to questions of boundries. It would appear that she has none. when i am positive everyone has them

How long have you been in the relationship?

Do you know her well enough to take the chance of following "Your the Dom that is Your desision"?

IF her decision is you are the Dom and it's YOUR decision, perhaps you could make your decision be that communication is needed.

Saya

_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 23

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 11:12:10 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

at OP
-read here
-post here
-make friends and talk with them
-follow your feelings/heart
-talk with your sub
-watch your sub carefully how she responds to the things you

Plan Do Check/Study Act , to take something from my work into the lifestyle..lol
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PDCA

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to SayaNereida)

Post #: 24

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/17/2008 12:37:17 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

Hi Jakk;

Welcome to a whole new world.

http://phoenixdragon.dreamknight87.com/nmp.htm is a site that has a National Munch Listing. This is not to say this is all of them or even that all of them are still around, but it may lead you to a local munch where you can connect up to learn more.

Several good books can be gotten from http://www.greenerypress.com/ including Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, The Loving Dominant by John Warren, Partners in Power: Living In Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella. All of these are good to help you get a firm foundation and some understanding.

Few subs are truly without limits. Most people have a limit of death or dismemberment, thoguh I will admit not all. Most of us like surviving to play another day. Learning her's may be difficult if she feels she should have no input as to what is done with her. Try asking her to find BDSM stories that she thinks you will both enjoy, this is a good way to get an idea of her fantasies. A good site for doing it on would be http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/index.php there are stories there to fit just about any fantasy even no limits, and their search engine is pretty detailed for selection of kink inclusions. Used the advance search.

Go slow, one step at a time and learn to read her reactions to things as you do them. Every sub you ever touch is going to be different and open up a vast new vista of pleasure and discovery. Some good, some bad, but you will only learn as you try things out what works for you and for your sub.

poenkitten

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 25

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/18/2008 6:50:04 PM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

I tried asking a sub a question once. All I got were voices back saying we all live in a yellow submarine a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine. Sometimes subs can be difficult.

(in reply to BlackPhx)

Post #: 26

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/19/2008 1:11:10 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I tried asking a sub a question once. All I got were voices back saying we all live in a yellow submarine a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine. Sometimes subs can be difficult.

Sound s like the album was sticking. Next time give is a good hard wack!!

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 27

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/19/2008 7:17:59 AM

verysweet

Posts: 128
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

SUB (Not submisive :P ) question... What do I do with and answer like "You are the Dom that is Your desision." when it comes to questions of boundries. It would appear that she has none. when i am positive everyone has them

Maybe she's approaching the issue of boundaries the way I did when I met my SO 2 years ago and was asked what my limits were: "My limits with you might be entirely different than they were in previous relationships". For me, limits are totally relationship dependant; and for us, he decides what they are and I'm good with that. Trust can pave the way for amazing sexual exploration and relationship evolution.

Try something. If it doesn't work or appeal to you, move on and try something else.

While in the 'getting to know you phase', we discussed things we liked, experiences we had, etc., and I asked him if there were things he'd never done but had always wanted to do. Try asking her that question. It certainly served us well.

_____________________________

Poetry in devotion.

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 28

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/19/2008 3:20:49 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

I have only been doing this for about 4 months. I have done quite a bit of research but, you cant research everything. I have a bit of a conundrum. As much as I am suppose to be the Dom i will concede that i do not know everthing. I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. Now this is My question... How do I ask for help from my submissive on how to better Dominate her? I have read and studied but experience is what I lack. If I cant ask her who do I ask? Being new to the scene I dont know anyone in it and where I am from I have not seen it. thank you for your input.

Take her face in your hands
Look her square in the eye (put a bit of a leer in it)
Say in a rich baritone voice "What is your desire?"

Or you could just ask her straight out what she identifies as her needs, desires, limits, etc.

She's a woman, not a cocker spaniel. The only way to figure her out is to talk to her.

In the interest of science, I just went to the kitchen and tried this. I took My boy's face in My hands, and asked him his desire. He simply replied, "To be with you, m'Lady".

The dog, I only discovered that she has bad breath.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 29

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/19/2008 4:34:16 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

Take her face in your hands
Look her square in the eye (put a bit of a leer in it)
Say in a rich baritone voice "What is your desire?"

Or you could just ask her straight out what she identifies as her needs, desires, limits, etc.

She's a woman, not a cocker spaniel. The only way to figure her out is to talk to her.

In the interest of science, I just went to the kitchen and tried this. I took My boy's face in My hands, and asked him his desire. He simply replied, "To be with you, m'Lady".

The dog, I only discovered that she has bad breath.

I can't quite picture you having the rich baritone voice....

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 30

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/21/2008 4:07:16 PM

SunLord

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline

I'm eigth months in and generally go slow in what you do. Rushing into areas can bring injury phycically and/or mentally. Take your time and build substance in your relationship with your slave in reference to the life. Talk and communicate to her what your planning, doing, feeling. Concern for her well-being will be appreciated. Acceptance of what you are will come with time, investment and learning. Learning........ahhh.. This place is good for reading material and as far as help in real time it's a crap shoot. Be wary of those just wishing to show you the way and while we're at it do you want to buy something. You are in control, you are in charge, acceptance of that brings responsibility. It's a bumpy road filled with many questions, earnestly seeking to answer those questions makes the ride smoother. Eight months, yea I know I'm still a tard in many areas but I see the light a tad, I understand now what I am and what I have been unspoken and unknown for quite a while.

_____________________________

To the depths I take her......

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 31

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/23/2008 1:02:08 PM

AtlantisKing111

Posts: 181
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline

I'd suggest getting out to local munches and events. Hanging out with fellow kinksters is a great way to learn.

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 32

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/23/2008 4:49:17 PM

freshman

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline

this was good. same question i had, but couldn't figure out how to frame. thanks for all the input!

(in reply to AtlantisKing111)

Post #: 33

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/23/2008 5:10:26 PM

FaithInLove

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline

There are two different issues. On one hand if you need input on how to be a better Dom In general, those questions including things like "how to prevent raising welts, what safe words are effective, What are some common shibari knots", etc. those questions are best asked your fellow doms on boards like this, munches and at clubs.

If the question is "how do i best do what he/she, my slave, really wants, that question is actually easier. One of the things a slave (or sub, really) owes an owner is full exposure to his/her mind ans set of desires. Having your slave write in a journal every day and giving you access to that journal is a great way to help the slave communicate with you about important issues while maintaining the rigidity of the relationship.

If you get a beautiful, leather bound journal and require that your slave (or sub) out fantasies, stories, desires, interests, every day for your reading enjoyment, you will have a document of what he/she enjoys and what is on their mind. It also reminds them that you care about what the slave thinks, believes, feels, etc. and that those sentiments belong to you- you have a right to them, as part of the relationship.

Good luck.

(in reply to freshman)

Post #: 34

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/23/2008 8:32:21 PM

HerLord

Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

Couldn't say it better.

To add, PAY ATTENTION! Her body movements, sounds and breathing are all uncontrolled reactions to your success or not. Simply paying attention will tell you alot about what direction to take. Talking about it after will also give you more insight.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Almost everything I know I learned from female subs. Just ask her. It's not unDomly or unmanly to learn and improve.

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 35

RE: Learning from Experience - 2/23/2008 9:05:01 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear JakkthePirate, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I like to go very basic with a new relationship and also for new Dominants to take a simplistic approach. I think anybody new who admits it, gains far more respect and help from their partner instead of trying to know it all. Heavens, I've been in the scene for over 30 years myself and will never, ever --know it all.

Domination is leadership and shouldn't be mistaken for being 'ugly' and or 'domineering.' Though it has been mentioned that you are a 'Captain' of the ship--direction of the relationship; it is needed to be said that the relationship is no matter if it is D/s or not. Two people communicating their needs, wants, dreams, goals, fears, doubts and seek someone to share them without being judged harshly for them. However, it would be a mistake, in my opinion to go so far forward as to loose the connection as a Dominant--with your submissive.

Putting pen to paper, often aids in putting what is in the heart into something that can be read and recognized. However, communication is paramount as words can be so general and how you may pereive a topic, e.g. love, hurt, pain, etc.; may not be the same for your partner. Getting to the point of being on the same page and or same understanding is very important.

A Dominant must give up some of their 'control' as to permit a submissive the opportunity to serve. For example, to get a soda from the refrigerator, pour it over ice in a tall glass. It is often easily done ourselves. However, to sit and wait patiently, opens the door for a submissive/slave/servant to 'be of service.' Little things that gives feeling of accepting service will be appreciated speaks volumes to a submissive/slave/servant who just wants to see you happy and well served. A lot of communications will need to be exchanged as to help one another find how each can compliment the other and both be happy.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to JakkthePirate)

Post #: 36

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