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Asking for things... - 2/17/2008 11:24:49 PM

Kalista07

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Yep........It's me.....again... So, recently it has occured to me that i have some difficulty asking for things.... i thought that it was primarily to ask for help or something along these lines that i struggle with...But, it has been made abundantly clear to me that it's not just asking for help but asking for anything (if i can get Him anything, if i can go to bed, etc. etc.). i know where this comes from, but that does not change anything! Has anyone else overcome anything like this, or have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 2/18/2008 12:08:39 AM >

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/17/2008 11:36:57 PM

laurelgoat

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Have you tried putting it into the perspective of how asking would please him? Offhand, I would say that focusing on that would be the easiest way to overcome that sort of mental block.

(in reply to Kalista07)

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/17/2008 11:38:34 PM

Kalista07

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurelgoat

Have you tried putting it into the perspective of how asking would please him? Offhand, I would say that focusing on that would be the easiest way to overcome that sort of mental block.

Actually yes i have...And in my head it all makes perfect sense and is in a nice little picture...And that's great right up until the point i'm on my knees in front of Him..... And then i'd rather well..................

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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/17/2008 11:39:02 PM

MaamJay

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Hmmm as a sub, i never had a problem with that. As a Domme, I did engage with one sub who did ... I used to be proactive ... "I believe you have a question for Me?" And not rest till he'd managed to get out the question. After a while he got sick of being put on the spot so began to volunteer the questions. Would that work for you and yours? NB to Dom, don't ask "do you have a question for Me?" as the answer to that is yes or no LOL!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/17/2008 11:41:31 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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MaamJay,
That's a good idea, thank You so much...i will suggest this to Him...My hope is the more often i engage in this behavior the easier it will become for me emotionally and intellectually.
Although in considering this much farther, does this in fact detract from the idea of my submission to Him if He has to ask me if there's something i'm supposed to be asking Him? i'm just asking..
Confused,
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 2/17/2008 11:52:28 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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Post #: 5

RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 1:17:33 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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You could write your question down and read it or hand it to him. Sometimes I use a different language, one that he doesn't know because I know that he doesn't understand, but I get the question out of me which makes asking in English easier. Or you could write him a letter and ask for his guidance about how to do it. Or you could have a physical hand signal as a way to say you want to ask something when he has the time to wait for you to struggle.

I'd be happy to talk to you on the other side since you seem to know WHY you are like this... That why can help with the how to get past it.

peace

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 4:02:30 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Yep........It's me.....again... So, recently it has occured to me that i have some difficulty asking for things.... i thought that it was primarily to ask for help or something along these lines that i struggle with...But, it has been made abundantly clear to me that it's not just asking for help but asking for anything (if i can get Him anything, if i can go to bed, etc. etc.). i know where this comes from, but that does not change anything! Has anyone else overcome anything like this, or have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Kali

Kali
you mention in your post about "on my knees " ..
is it the begging part that you are having trouble with?
for some people asking for something while begging is a form of humilation for them....
I dont know....that part just jumped out of your post at me.

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

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Post #: 7

RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 7:38:23 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Yep........It's me.....again... So, recently it has occured to me that i have some difficulty asking for things.... i thought that it was primarily to ask for help or something along these lines that i struggle with...But, it has been made abundantly clear to me that it's not just asking for help but asking for anything (if i can get Him anything, if i can go to bed, etc. etc.). i know where this comes from, but that does not change anything! Has anyone else overcome anything like this, or have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Kali

Interesting question once again, kali. You state that you know where this comes from but since we don't, I am going to make a couple of guesses as I believe that in each case, the answer as to how to overcome it is going to differ.

1st case...as galilah noted, for some submissives asking for something while on their knees equates to begging and to humiliation. That makes it hard because they have a difficult time begging...in some cases, it makes it doubly hard because they have a hard time not only with begging but with humiliation in and of itself. If this is it, then you could work up to asking for what you want or asking whether or not you can get something for the dominant by asking them from a differing position. Perhaps while standing or while sitting next to the dominant.

2nd case...some submissives seem to have this belief that they are not supposed to ask the dominant for anything, whether it be for themselves (selfish) or for the dominant (he/she should just state what they want/the submissive is being presumptious or trying to steer the dominant/etc.). The submissive has the right to want things out of a relationship. How much is O.K. is decided during negotiation and discussion but even at the extreme wherein very little of the submissive's wants/desires are taken into consideration, the dynamic would still determine whether or not it is O.K. to ask. As for trying to steer the dominant or being presumptious, you could stop and consider that by NOT asking...and thereby not making either what you want or NOT asking about his/her wants...THAT it is indeed you trying to steer things your way. Finally, the idea that the dominant should just state what he/she wants and be able to read your mind as to your wants and needs. Though stated many times before, the dominant is not a mindreader...he cannot determine what you want just by looking at you, putting his hands to his hand and rolling his eyes back into his head. And as far as just stating what he/she wants rather than waiting for you to ask, consider this: is that not a form of having the dominant do all the work? Even the simple work of requesting/demanding/commanding what he wants? What about the dominant that wishes to see not only that his wishes are complied with when he asks BUT that the submissive has his wishes and mind and a desire to serve/please the dominant by expressing a need (by asking the dominant what they wish/what they can do for the dominant/etc) to serve?

Finally...perhaps you have had interaction with a dominant in which you DID ask what you could do for them and they did not give you a chance to serve. Or they would tell you to get/do something and then criticized your way of doing so constantly. Or you anticipated their needs and got accused of "trying to run things". Thereby, their words left a certain amount of indecision in your submissive spirit and a fear or being wrong no matter what so you find yourself in a spot of "blankness" as to how best handle this with this new D/s dynamic you two are instituting. One way to start is to remember how good he has been to you thus far and another fact to add in is this: he is not those who have come before. COMMUNICATE and find a way together.

(in reply to Kalista07)

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 8:02:07 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
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I just think this is something many of us submissives struggle with. Even though most of us know that we need to ask for things as part of the reality of life and being in a relationship is communication and asking is a big form of communicating. Now for me all the words of wisdom about asking combined with I do not have the mind set of a slave should never ask or need something from my Master still does very little in helping me be more communicative in this area. For me personally, is not ever about what a slave should or should not do but just the simple fact I do not want to burden my loved one. These pesky feelings just have to be felt all at the same time.

I really do not have any great advice as over the years I have not found anything in general to deal with this on my own. The two things I will offer, if it is something specific that happens on a routine basis then talk to your Master and see if there is a way to go about it that works for both of you.

But in general the only thing that I have done that helps me is when I see myself struggling to focus on and with effort actually communicating it to my Master and not waste time, effort or do something indirect to avoid direct communication. When I do catch myself doing the avoiding thing I then try to transfer my energy from that to focus on asking directly.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 9

RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 8:15:49 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
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From: Maui
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it is a new paradigm.
we in the west have been trained to be self sufficient and even automous.

when power exchange is brought in the equasion there is a fair bit of recapitultion to be done.

what i can tell you is that when you do it, you send a message that you are 100 percent invested in your submission, and when you dont do it you are sending the message that you are not.

you say you struggle. what does struggle look like? do you just go to bed with out asking? do you not ask him if he needs anything? that does not sound like struggling...that sounds as though either he has not explained what is important to him...or you have not bought in to what being a submissive means for you.

maybe you need to get clear on what sub/slave means for you and then decide if you want to sign up for it....if that dynamic supports you going where you want to go....and if it does youll be much more anchored in keeping up your end...dont you think?

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 9:16:08 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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I don't ask for things....I just don't. Its not because of anything about M/s...or BDSM....I just got conditioned not to.

My oldest (daughter) was down from Maryland visiting me one weekend, and while she was here her dad(my husband) asked me to make him a sandwich. I of course got up and made it...also took him in a glass of tea while I was at it. I asked my daughter, (not really sure why I asked either)...."Have you ever asked Chuck(her husband) to make you something to eat while you were just watching tv...or on the computer?" to my shock she said yes! LMAO I just couldn't wrap my mind around that....She thinks I'm odd anyways....

she was like .."Whats the big deal about that mom?".....and I couldn't answer her....I mean really, we are talking about making a sandwich...not severing a limb or anything. Its just that I find it near impossible to ask....I just do it myself or do without....

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 2/18/2008 9:17:17 AM >

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 12:05:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

Yep........It's me.....again... So, recently it has occured to me that i have some difficulty asking for things.... i thought that it was primarily to ask for help or something along these lines that i struggle with...But, it has been made abundantly clear to me that it's not just asking for help but asking for anything (if i can get Him anything, if i can go to bed, etc. etc.). i know where this comes from, but that does not change anything! Has anyone else overcome anything like this, or have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Kali

Two pieces of advice:

1) Start small. You have now acknowledged the problem, you even understand the source of it. Now it's time to start proving to yourself that you won't let it control you. Start with the little unimportant things to practice and let that build you up for when it really counts.

2) Laugh at yourself and how silly it is. It's perfectly fine to say "I know this is stupid, but it's hard for me to ask if they have any of this in stock." Recognizing it out loud can help materialize the issue and, again, get over it.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1072425/mpage_1/key_asking/tm.htm#1072535
Begging/asking

Subs...asking/begging

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 12:14:39 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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It's not always just the sub/slave types that struggle with asking for help/things.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 13

RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 1:19:18 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Yep........It's me.....again... So, recently it has occured to me that i have some difficulty asking for things.... i thought that it was primarily to ask for help or something along these lines that i struggle with...But, it has been made abundantly clear to me that it's not just asking for help but asking for anything (if i can get Him anything, if i can go to bed, etc. etc.). i know where this comes from, but that does not change anything! Has anyone else overcome anything like this, or have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Kali

Why don't you ask him for his opinion about it?

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 3:24:18 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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i want to thank everyone for their comments and suggestions... Galiilah, no.....Actually it has nothing to do with me seeing it as begging, although i can see where You were able to conclude that from. CD, as always You pretty much nailed it in the last category.... toservez, thanks...It's nice to know i'm not alone... Crouchingtigress, actually that's part of the conversation we had about it last night. i told Him i think my problem is i have too much independence and He told me He thinks it's more the fact that for the past 30 years of my life everyone in it was so nasty and hateful, that when i did ask for anything i quickly learned how dangerous that was.... Makes sense, but it didn't make me feel any better. i've chosen to stay in this relationship. Breathsome, LOL....i guess it makes sense then why the other night when i was not feeling well and asked Him to take my plate into the kitchen he almost ran there then, huh? :P
LA, as always thanks!!! LaTigress, of course not...How silly of me to be so inclusive.
MadRabbit, i have talked to Him about it....... He told me it was my decision as to whether or not i believed this relationship could/ would be one that provides me with happiness, and whether or not this was something i was willing to address....
Kali
*edited to add* Sunshinemiss You have mail.

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 2/18/2008 3:46:33 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 3:37:24 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
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I (try to remember to) see asking for things as giving him information he needs. If I ask to go to bed, he knows I want to, and can make an informed choice. If I don't ask, then he doesn't have any idea, and I've taken the decision out of his hands.
Come to think of it, I really should write that down somewhere so I'll remember it more often.

(in reply to Kalista07)

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 3:51:01 PM

probablyknowme

Posts: 1875
Joined: 9/19/2007
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~FR~

I know that sometimes when I am having a hard time saying anything to a D-type, if I can not look him in the eye, it helps. Mr. Top has actually turned me around where I was not facing him at all when he saw that I had something on my mind that I needed to speak with him about.

Just a thought.

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 3:53:08 PM

Paulsgirl

Posts: 249
Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Yep........It's me.....again... So, recently it has occured to me that i have some difficulty asking for things.... i thought that it was primarily to ask for help or something along these lines that i struggle with...But, it has been made abundantly clear to me that it's not just asking for help but asking for anything (if i can get Him anything, if i can go to bed, etc. etc.). i know where this comes from, but that does not change anything! Has anyone else overcome anything like this, or have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Kali

Yes i have difficulties asking for anything and it is a part of my slave mindset. I don't generally ask anyone to do anything for me, kids, friends....i just do it myself if i see or feel it needs doing.......

But there is a way in which there is a subtle shift of language in bdsm from everyday language. Language which is used in public, or denoted by certain terms He uses for me for example if He says hon, or honey, it's friend time.....
but today for example......He has returned from abroad and was jet lagged and i helped Him into bed....i had intended, as it had been agreed beforehand, that i would clean, as He gets lulled by the sound 'of a woman cleaning'.......but i so so so much wanted to get into bed too so instead of simply getting in, (which of course i never do unless invited or instructed) and instead of asking please may i get into bed i phrased it as: ~Would it please you if i were to get into your bed~.....and then you know in a sweeter tone then...~please Master........if it would please You......~

i love that heightened use of language.........and indeed there was an entire cultural history of upstairs/downstairs and defferential language which has evolved from the 'Middle Ages' and especially throughout 17th, 18th century England, resonated in 19th centiry writers and so forth when defferential language was considered etiquette......
let's see....
shall i?
should i?
please can i?
please could i?
please may i?
please might i?
tecnically these are at increasing levels of conditionality which at each level confer more power to the other........

< Message edited by Paulsgirl -- 2/18/2008 3:58:20 PM >

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Formerly Prinsexx

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 4:01:19 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: probablyknowme

~FR~

I know that sometimes when I am having a hard time saying anything to a D-type, if I can not look him in the eye, it helps. Mr. Top has actually turned me around where I was not facing him at all when he saw that I had something on my mind that I needed to speak with him about.

Just a thought.

LMAO probablyknowme!!! It just occured to me that for the past week and a half since i've been staying here every 'serious' conversation we have had has taken place with me on the bed on my side, looking away from Him, and Him with His arms around me..... :d

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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: Asking for things... - 2/18/2008 4:30:28 PM

probablyknowme

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Joined: 9/19/2007
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There ya go! *smile*

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The human mind is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.
-Anon.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NewcomersOK/

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