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HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:25:12 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		 I am a married Dom.  My long-time female sub and very good friend (not my wife) recently told me she was no longer feeling submissive and wanted to become a Domme.  I supported her in this because I didn't think it would affect our nearly 10 year relationship.  About 45 days later she told me she had met and was head over heels in love with a male sub, and that she couldn't have two sexual relationships.  So she terminated our sex but wants to remain friends, since our relationship didn't have any chance of ever becoming life-long (I'm married).  This happened 3 weeks ago.  We are both in our early 50's, and I think she is having some sort of 50's crisis.  This was devastating news to me because it was a complete surprise and I am very attached to her.  I' m not over it.

Recently I accidentally found out that the sub she thinks is hers and is in love with is actually collared to another Domme who is madly in love with him and "waiting" for him to get a divorce.  He is lying and playing them both.

The question:  What do I do that has the best chance of leaving me in a good position to reunite with my old friend/sub/Domme?
-  Tell the male sub I know what's going on and tell him if he doesn't get away from my friend I will tell both the Dommes about what he's up to; or
-  Tell my friend/old sub/Domme what he is doing and let her handle it her own way; or
-  Tell both Dommes and let them figure out an appropriate way to handle him; or
-  Forget about the whole thing and let the Dommes find out on their own.

My objective is to leave myself in the best position to reunite with my old friend/sub/Domme.  If I tell her about the male sub she might 'shoot the messenger' and be angry with me...but I think this is the 'right, moral' thing to do (don't ya hate morals?).  If I do nothing she might end up being very hurt.  I'm inclined to talk to the male sub, but the leaves the Domme he is collared to still in love with a louse.  If I just tell the collaring Domme, the male sub would come running to my old friend/sub/Domme and she would be even more vulnerable.

Anyone have any experience with a similar situation, and/or sage advice for me?  Any help is APPRECIATED!

< Message edited by Equalizer700 -- 2/22/2008 3:34:51 AM >
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:28:34 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I think you should mind your own business.  Just my opinion though.

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:33:51 AM   
Chloelicious


Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline 		Forget the whole situation and let the domme find out.

What ever you choose to do (the others options) you will feel bad at least or as you said the messenger will be shot so as hard it is for you , let the time and things do their job.

Take care
Chloé


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If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:34:42 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I think you should mind your own business.  Just my opinion though.


I agree with Aileen. It really isn't your business at all. They are grown adults, can make their own decisions and mistakes. Learn their own lessons from them. If she is naive enough to fall for his line of bs then it is a lesson she needs to learn.

Sounds to me like you are just thinking with your pecker "oh no!!! I am going to lose my piece of ass on the side!!!" And are willing to do whatever it takes, moral or not, to try and keep it. Quit being a slave to your pecker and act like a grown up instead of a nosy middle school girl, (if a middle school girl had a pecker of course).

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:36:10 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I think you should mind your own business.  Just my opinion though.


and mine

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:37:45 AM   
Rushemery


Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		tell your friend and give her the other donnes name and number, explain to your friend that you feel it may hurt your relationship but its the right thing to do be honest and sincere. it normally does hurt relationships but if they really are your friend the will come around, you were her dom and may still feel you need to protect her 

(in reply to Equalizer700)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:37:48 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		Actually my pecker doesn't enter into it.  It is a 10-year friendship going down the drain because of a louse that gets to me.  But perhaps you're right.

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:38:08 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Yup I agree, sounds like its none of your business and seems like a lot of it is tainted with a rather hypocritical amount of jealousy

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:45:28 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		I concur with Aileen. Why do you feel you have a right to 'police' other persons' relationships, even if those persons are closely acquainted with yourself? I was having exactly this conversation with my own boy last evening when an acquaintance of mine informed me they had to make a 'difficult' decision insofar as telling friends of theirs that they were being gossiped about by another acquaintance... sounds like schoolyard nonsense? it is, keep out of it.

So, my boy and I began discussing this issue. He feels it's justified to inform someone if a person they trust is abusing that trust. I couldn't disagree with him more. My relationship is exactly that, mine, how dare anyone feel they have a right to interfere and the sad fact is that there is none so keener than a supposed friend to deliver bad news! Of course the friend will feel justified in 'protecting' their mate, but it is never excusable, in my opinion, for someone to interfere in the relationships of others - I guess it detracts from their own issues all the while they're interfering in someone else's... But then, an awful lot of people just LOVE drama!



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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:45:37 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

I am a married Dom. 

My objective is to leave myself in the best position to reunite with my old friend/sub/Domme.  If I tell her about the male sub she might 'shoot the messenger' and be angry with me...but I think this is the 'right, moral' thing to do (don't ya hate morals?).  If I do nothing she might end up being very hurt.  I'm inclined to talk to the male sub, but the leaves the Domme he is collared to still in love with a louse.  If I just tell the collaring Domme, the male sub would come running to my old friend/sub/Domme and she would be even more vulnerable.

Anyone have any experience with a similar situation, and/or sage advice for me?  Any help is APPRECIATED!


I added the emphasis -- please reread that!  You are not at all thinking of her welfare, this seems to be all about you.  You said later that your penis didn't enter into this, but its clear that your ego does and it seems to me there is and ego/penis connection.

That said, this is a very tough place.  I'm not sure where you've gotten the information you have about these people, but I'd be very sure of it before you do anything.

If this were my situation, I'd likely watch as carefully as possible and if I said anything, it might be to simply warn my former sub/friend to be careful and go slow.  This is all about trust and that takes time to build.  I know you don't want someone to get hurt, but you can not be viewed as objective in this.  Certainly from what you've said, you don't sound like you have anyone but yourself in mind.

Good luck with it.. its a tough place

(in reply to Equalizer700)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:46:29 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Actually my pecker doesn't enter into it.  It is a 10-year friendship going down the drain because of a louse that gets to me.  But perhaps you're right.


The friendship is going down the tubes because you are unavailable and she wants more than you can give. If you care about her you will let well enough alone and let her move on even if that means she finds out the hard way about her so called sub. Unless of course you decide to divorce your wife. The fact that you are trying to put yourself in a position to have her back shows how you want it all without giving  up anything of your own.

_____________________________

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Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:48:10 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Actually my pecker doesn't enter into it.  It is a 10-year friendship going down the drain because of a louse that gets to me.  But perhaps you're right.


In your original post, you said she wanted to end the relationship before she met the 'louse' .. the louse is NOT the reason this went down the drain, perhaps the reason is that she finally decided she wanted something that was hers alone?

again, you might need to take a good step back and examine your motivations here

(in reply to Equalizer700)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:48:32 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Let's be brutally honest, Equalizer. There is a lot of jealousy, you have seemingly lost a 'possession', ie your fuckbuddy, friendship has nothing to do with this. You hold this 'louse' responsible and you'd like nothing more than to highlight his supposed deceit... afterall, you'd gain from it, yes? You'd be the one your friend uses as a shoulder and you'd feel content you'd be able to then work the situation more to your advantage and get it 'back on track'.

You really do need to step back... she's made her bed, so to speak, with someone else and you must accept that.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700
Actually my pecker doesn't enter into it.  It is a 10-year friendship going down the drain because of a louse that gets to me.  But perhaps you're right.


_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:52:25 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I do agree it isn't your place to tell either dominia, especially as you have a vested interest.  If she was simply your best friend - then my advice would be different - but you do have to be very careful about blacklisting someone.  But it does concern me that neither know and feel they are the one and onlys - how many others could he be seeing and from a sexual pov, that is dangerous for everyone involved.
 
But then, I am a bitch when it comes to liars.  I abhore it, even by omission.  If it was me, I would let him know I knew and see how he deals with that.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:56:12 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		Perhaps she finally woke up and realized she needs more than what a married man can give? Was she alone for the holidays while you were celebrating with your wife? Did she get fed up with wondering if you could get away for a quickie? Perhaps always having leftovers finally got to her.

Rather than wanting to leave yourself in the best position to reunite (big eye roll here) why don't you just wish her well?

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:58:01 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		 
At OP

She left you..don't put energy in some one that left you so easily afther years.
I can understand you...It might feel she might coem back..but she won't

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 3:58:04 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		She is not a fuckbuddy, but someone I have spent vacations and holidays and one day a week with for nearly 10 years.  You're right that I'm selfish, in that I don't want something so precious to me to go away.  Would you?

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:00:14 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		You spent ONE day a week with her? Well hell....why didn't you say that in the first place?

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:00:37 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		I hate liars and deceit, too...it can be so hurtful!  My wife knows what I do...

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:01:57 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		And I have wisher her well, and helped her with the transition.  But this???

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