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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:02:37 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Ja, I getcha and I'm inclined to agree. Focusing his attention elsewhere and taking steps for forumate platonic friendships in areas of his interests will aid with clearing his thoughts and seeing things from a different perspective.
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Yanno.....as I was just in doing the warpaint and hairdo for the day I was thinking about this issue. About how something just smelled off and it isn't the creme cheese on my bagel.

Thinking about how I know women like I do and all the stuff I read on here about what submissives want from their dominant.

There is a fair possibility that the only one being deceived is the OP. Yeah, I know it is a bit of a stretch and yeah, I am not one to walk around wearing rose coloured glasses.


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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:13:13 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Velvet, I agree entirely with your assessment, except that she is my best and only friend.  Thank you.


Equalizer - if she is your ONLY friend, you have much bigger problems than her falling for another guy.

peace.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:13:53 AM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

You're right that I'm selfish, in that I don't want something so precious to me to go away.  Would you?



Seems to me that this isn't something you have any control over.  She's going away, if not with this fellow, with some other she will meet in the future, and there isn't anything that you can do about that other than to accept it and wish her well. 

The choice that you have now is whether or not to be a good friend to her.  You've known her for 10 years, surely you know her well enough to know what she would expect from you.  I don't think that whether or not she comes back to you will be determined by what you do in this situation.  I think you had your answer in your original post when you said,

If I tell her about the male sub she might 'shoot the messenger' and be angry with me...but I think this is the 'right, moral' thing to do (don't ya hate morals?).  If I do nothing she might end up being very hurt. 


If you feel this way, I think you should talk to her.  Forget about what you want and what you're losing - after all, this isn't really about you, it's about what this louse is doing to your friend - and do what you think is the right and moral thing. 

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:14:53 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		You think?  Don't I know it!

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:32:12 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Listen, you know you have problems, you've recognised that and are hopefully dealing with it. To do that effectively you need to refocus your energies. What are your interests outside your marriage (nothing facetious meant here, I'm speaking specifically about non-sexual based interests), joining a club, etc... anywhere that will get you meeting/talking/interacting with other people and hopefully, developing friendships along the way. You are NOT alone, while it's easy for people to criticise you for not really having any friends, I've noticed a typical trend among people of your age group and older insofar as being married and only having joint friends b/c their lives are focused around their marriage.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:35:40 AM   
travelgman


Posts: 187
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline 		Some excellent points have been made and like some of the others have said. Your post makes it come across as the main reason you are willing to tell her this fact about her relationship. Is that you want her back. Not because your being a long -standing friend.

Can you be a true friend and tell her for the right reasons? And I will say that I agree with the ones who said she does need to know. But not for the reasons you have given. Here is the cold hard truth. If your going to be a true friend. Your going to have to put her interests first and not yours. And this means accepting the fact. That your going to hurt her. There is no way around that. If you tell her  It will hurt like hell even if she accepts the idea it was for the best.  And she may actually turn on you and you may loose her as any kind  of friend. Can you put your own personal needs aside and deal with these facts? 

If we can see your not being honest with yourself from a few typed lines. Then more than likely she will know you well enough to be able to tell if your really putting her interests first or yours as well. But I say either way she needs to know. If for no other reason than the issue of aids as listed above.

Now if we take you out of the equation. Are you the only one who can tell her? Someone had to tell you this information. Again put her needs first. Maybe someone else would be better suited to telling your friend than you? Someone who has nothing to gain out of this other than helping her.

Do what is best for her. Not You. Even if it means loosing her forever. If you truly care about her.


Take Care

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:52:09 AM   
travelgman


Posts: 187
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline 		MissMorrigan is offering good advice on making new friends.That you should take. But it occured to me. That very little has been stated about your wife. I know some wifes allow their spouses to have these kind of relationships because they are not interested in the same activities. But I have to wonder. What shape is your marriage in? Not bashing you. Just asking. Maybe the wife could use some attention and care as well? As someone else said. Who are you spending your life with?

< Message edited by travelgman -- 2/22/2008 5:56:26 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:58:15 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Yes, I'm curious about the wife as well.
I'm also wondering that *if* as he has stated, she knows all about this relationship, how will she feel when he takes up with someone else?
He's already got an ad up on his account.
She may find a big difference between a long-term friend/relationship, and him going out to find another...

~Christina

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~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 6:05:53 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Actually my pecker doesn't enter into it.  It is a 10-year friendship going down the drain because of a louse that gets to me.  But perhaps you're right.


The friendship is going down the tubes because you are unavailable and she wants more than you can give. If you care about her you will let well enough alone and let her move on even if that means she finds out the hard way about her so called sub. Unless of course you decide to divorce your wife. The fact that you are trying to put yourself in a position to have her back shows how you want it all without giving  up anything of your own.

There it is......


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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 6:07:45 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		It's too bad we all don't have a sign on our foreheads that says either "yes, tell me" or "no, I don't want to know." That would clear things right up, wouldn't it?

The men that I have been involved with that betrayed me were slick enough that I didn't know, but that nobody else knew either. If any of my friends knew, and didn't tell me, they wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Cali
(the irony of being poly and still having a man cheat on you is not lost on me)


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 6:43:48 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		CalifChick, may I ask you something without seeming flippant or critical... Don't you feel that ultimately, with poor choices made that the buck stops with the two persons within that relationship? My boy and I were discussing this last night, he said to me, "How would you feel if your son came to you and told you that I'd been cheating on you?" I replied, "I'd be angry, not with you, that's something for you and me to deal with separately, but with the fact he felt it HIS choice/obligation to enter into my personal relationship and interfere. I'm an adult, I make my choices in life, as we all do and should the unfortunate event of his cheating ever occur, I would consider it a mutual problem, not one that should involve every tom, dick and harry." If ANYTHING has to be stated at all, surely it's with the person who is being deceitful?
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
It's too bad we all don't have a sign on our foreheads that says either "yes, tell me" or "no, I don't want to know." That would clear things right up, wouldn't it?

The men that I have been involved with that betrayed me were slick enough that I didn't know, but that nobody else knew either. If any of my friends knew, and didn't tell me, they wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Cali
(the irony of being poly and still having a man cheat on you is not lost on me)


_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 7:33:28 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		she needs something more....no one ever leaves some one if everything is perfect and yummy.


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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 7:39:46 AM   
TracyTaken


Posts: 615
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

So she terminated our sex but wants to remain friends, since our relationship didn't have any chance of ever becoming life-long (I'm married). This happened 3 weeks ago. We are both in our early 50's, and I think she is having some sort of 50's crisis.


It could be she was simply telling the truth about what she wants.  You can't give it to her.  Do you really want to sabotage her attempts to acquire what she wants, because it means you lose her as a sex partner?  You are coming across as selfish and not as genuinely caring about this woman.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 7:40:52 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		OP:

FLUSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Nothing as over as Christmas; buddy.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 7:45:04 AM   
TracyTaken


Posts: 615
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Velvet, I agree entirely with your assessment, except that she is my best and only friend.  Thank you.


From your initial post, the deal is that you remain friends, just not lovers.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 8:37:16 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Seems to me that the light finally dawned.  You offer her nothing that she needs other than a temporary passion fix.  That has worked for you for 10 yrs, but it left her with a hole that got filled by this other man.  It is not about sex. 
She may not have chosen the right man, but that is her choice and she has to deal with the outcome.  Butt out.  You only want your own selfish needs to be met.  She needs more than what you are willing to give.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

So she terminated our sex but wants to remain friends, since our relationship didn't have any chance of ever becoming life-long (I'm married).

My objective is to leave myself in the best position to reunite with my old friend/sub/Domme. 


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Equalizer700)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 8:43:30 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Velvet, I agree entirely with your assessment, except that she is my best and only friend.  Thank you.


Your not friends with your wife???

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 10:08:47 AM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		One question for you:

IF you knew that no matter what you chose that the relationship with this woman would end; what would you do?

Saya




_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...


(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 10:23:50 AM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Actually my pecker doesn't enter into it.  It is a 10-year friendship going down the drain because of a louse that gets to me.  But perhaps you're right.


There is no reason if all you want is the friendship to shut up and be there AS A FRIEND ONLY if she needs you, whether to talk while she continues the relationship or be there should it fail.  As far as telling her the right thing....not to mix apples and oranges, but should someone that considers themself your wife's friend tell her for her own good about you? (Just for the record, I don't think they should)  Or should they mind their own business?  I think you have your answer...do unto others and all that.

edited to add:  I read later you said your wife knows....have you considered what she would do if others still told her?  How do you know that this woman doesnt know, and is painting a very rosy picture, because it is something she is willing to risk/accept(after all, no offense, she was with you, another married man, for 10 years) and if that is not all she wants, as she is used to part time relationships, and lastly, that she knows but did not tell you about the other Domme, because she IS trying to make a break from the relationship you had, and truly doesnt want to hear your advice on it, or make it harder for you to find another friend?

< Message edited by kc692 -- 2/22/2008 10:30:28 AM >

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 10:25:30 AM   
LadyLolly


Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline 		All the other issues aside.  Bottom line, if it was me I'd want to know.  Give her the other gal's contact information and let the "girls" deal with him.   

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 60
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