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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:02:48 AM   
VelvetMaam


Posts: 45
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline 		It seems to me that your former sub has issues with getting involved with unavailable men.   First you, now this male sub.   While it may be a poly situation (as opposed to a shhhh don't tell the wife), that she so quickly fell for the other guy she thinks is available but isn't reading the signs, tells me that what she ultimately wants is someone available for more than a long term relationship-on-the-side.

But head's up.   You (the married guy) do not have her best interests at heart because as you say, you want her back.  Frankly I think you should stay the fuck out of it, because you're not worried about her as a friend, you're worried about you getting back your playtoy, period.

This is a woman that has some serious issues with herself  to work out about why she keeps running after men who aren't willing to put her first in their lives.  

< Message edited by VelvetMaam -- 2/22/2008 4:03:58 AM >

(in reply to sirsholly)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:06:06 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

And I have wisher her well, and helped her with the transition.  But this???


Hmm I have been in similar situation..doing all for some one..and see your friendship used.
And your reaction sounded exactly like mine then.
I can't take your feelings away..and  disapointment...but....  do your self a favour..forget her....move on.
She propably has a good time..while you go down..is that worth it?

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:06:55 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		Velvet, I agree entirely with your assessment, except that she is my best and only friend.  Thank you.

< Message edited by Equalizer700 -- 2/22/2008 4:08:28 AM >

(in reply to VelvetMaam)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:08:56 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

She is not a fuckbuddy, but someone I have spent vacations and holidays and one day a week with for nearly 10 years.  You're right that I'm selfish, in that I don't want something so precious to me to go away.  Would you?



I understand that this is a difficult time and decision for you.  But you have already lost her - and whatever you now do must be done, without the intention of getting her back, but with the desire that you want the best for her - which means that this excludes yourself.
 
As you explained, she has come to the realisation she wants more than you are able to give in your position and she has been good enough to be open about this to you.  It's very hard to let go of something you love but deep in your heart I am sure you know it is the best for her to be able to grow and for your own well being and growth as well.
 
It's very easy for people to say 'stay out of it' - but if it was their best friend, parent or someone they were close to - it's not that easy.  Your difficulty is that you have a vested interest in this.  How would she feel if she finds out, and then finds out you knew and didn't tell her?  Would she want to know, or prefere to remain clueless?  You know her better than us - maybe their is a friend of hers you could confide in?  And absolutely makes sure you have total proof if you do go ahead because if it's not then you risk more than losing her, you will lose your integrity as well.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:10:21 AM   
Rushemery


Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		if its over then its over apreciate what you had but I will stick by what I said before I would tell her, if he's screwing more than one person and not telling anyone he could be spreading aids, there isnt anything wrong with multiple partners as log as they know, if it were me I would have went the other way and let her do her own thing and not wanted to know what she was doing but sence she told you about it I would tell her, unless someone other than her told you

(in reply to Equalizer700)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:11:37 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		Darcy, maybe I will ask her if she wants to know things like that, or if she wants me to keep out of it.  I have encouraged her from day one to find a life partner.  But this isn't what she needs right now if she is going to continue to grow her independence.


< Message edited by Equalizer700 -- 2/22/2008 4:14:33 AM >

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:11:51 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		The reason I used the term 'fuckbuddy' is b/c you said your friend had terminated the sexual side of the friendship, so would you have preferred 'friend with benefits'?

I understand that you are hurt, angry, jealous, etc... but the fact remains that your friend has made her choices, they do not include you and while that must hurt, you have to step aside and allow her to make her own mistakes. She isn't 'going away', she's making different choices sexually-speaking, are you now saying that is affecting the friendship b/c if that is, then surely that is your choosing?

It's unfortunate that the person/s she is having relationships with are being less than honest, IF that is the case, but they are her choices, not yours.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700
She is not a fuckbuddy, but someone I have spent vacations and holidays and one day a week with for nearly 10 years.  You're right that I'm selfish, in that I don't want something so precious to me to go away.  Would you?


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(in reply to Equalizer700)
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RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:14:16 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Equalizer, I find this comment incredibly sad, insofar as having only one friend. Why don't you focus on changing that aspect of your life by opening yourself up to platonic friendships?
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700
Velvet, I agree entirely with your assessment, except that she is my best and only friend.  Thank you.


_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:15:07 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

I am a married Dom.  My long-time female sub and very good friend (not my wife) recently told me she was no longer feeling submissive and wanted to become a Domme.  I supported her in this because I didn't think it would affect our nearly 10 year relationship.  About 45 days later she told me she had met and was head over heels in love with a male sub, and that she couldn't have two sexual relationships.  So she terminated our sex but wants to remain friends, since our relationship didn't have any chance of ever becoming life-long (I'm married).  This happened 3 weeks ago.  We are both in our early 50's, and I think she is having some sort of 50's crisis.  This was devastating news to me because it was a complete surprise and I am very attached to her.  I' m not over it.

Recently I accidentally found out that the sub she thinks is hers and is in love with is actually collared to another Domme who is madly in love with him and "waiting" for him to get a divorce.  He is lying and playing them both.

The question:  What do I do that has the best chance of leaving me in a good position to reunite with my old friend/sub/Domme?
-  Tell the male sub I know what's going on and tell him if he doesn't get away from my friend I will tell both the Dommes about what he's up to; or
-  Tell my friend/old sub/Domme what he is doing and let her handle it her own way; or
-  Tell both Dommes and let them figure out an appropriate way to handle him; or
-  Forget about the whole thing and let the Dommes find out on their own.

My objective is to leave myself in the best position to reunite with my old friend/sub/Domme.  If I tell her about the male sub she might 'shoot the messenger' and be angry with me...but I think this is the 'right, moral' thing to do (don't ya hate morals?).  If I do nothing she might end up being very hurt.  I'm inclined to talk to the male sub, but the leaves the Domme he is collared to still in love with a louse.  If I just tell the collaring Domme, the male sub would come running to my old friend/sub/Domme and she would be even more vulnerable.

Anyone have any experience with a similar situation, and/or sage advice for me?  Any help is APPRECIATED!

I'm over 50 myself, and this mess is yet another great bunch of reasons I'm glad that I only do *monogamous* relationships....  
 
My advice is simple!  You've lived more years than you have left.  It's time you grew up and decided who you wanna live out your remaining years with - THAT would be the *moral* thing to do, too.
 
Focus.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:15:08 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		To be honest I just question your motivation for telling her, if the post had been along the lines of, a sub adn I have recently broken up and shes got into a relationship with someone i know is cheating and then talked about the length of time you have known her the advice may have been differant. But your post was prefixed with the fact that you are pissed off that shes left, an devaluing of her choice (the mid life crisis thing) and then a ridiculing of her new relationship, that to me suggests your motications are not her hurt and so she should be the one to find out for herself. If you were her best mate then it may be differant but still its a risky area and people often wont believe things like this unless they find out for themselves. 

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(in reply to Rushemery)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:15:45 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		MissM, great idea.  I have already started working on that!

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:16:40 AM   
VelvetMaam


Posts: 45
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

Velvet, I agree entirely with your assessment, except that she is my best and only friend.  Thank you.


Then you have to be a friend to her, and realize that as a lover, you are NOT what she needs.   She needs someone who can be her primary, and as you say, that's not you.  Which means what you had was wonderful, but now it's over, and it's time for her to move on, and for you to move on.

The person who can best help her heal and best help her understand what she needs in her life is not you, but more likely a therapist.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:18:34 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		If you do ask it, do so discreetly, so as not to raise her suspicions.  Maybe drop into conversation how you could not cheat on your wife and that you were glad your relationship with both of them was open.  Just be careful.  I know people are saying keep out of it, yet I know I would be devestated if I had been cheated on and my best friend had known and not told me - I would feel I had been deceived twice.  But your vested interest taints the situation - but as Rushemery said, multiple partners brings risks sexually.  It would have been better you had not found out at all - but you do.  And you know her better than us.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:19:53 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		That is great news, I'm very pleased to read that and to be honest, it does make things a little clearer knowing that your former sub is your only friend and why you are focusing more emotions than necessary into her choices, than your own.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:22:03 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		Ya know...you have alot of balls to say she is having a mid-life crisis cause she dumped you. And then you whine because she is seeing a man who is involved with another? Dude...would you listen to yourself?

I was in her shoes at one time...seeing a married Dom. The day i realized i was in love with him was the day i knew i would never see him again. Why? Because i deserved more than he could give. It was one of the hardest things i ever had to do and i am not sure i would have had the strength to accomplish it if he still persuded the relationship.


(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:31:12 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

MissM, great idea.  I have already started working on that!


Oh dude, if a former submissive is your only friend you've got wayyyyyyyyyy bigger problems that you ASSUME she has.

Stop focusing on her shit and get yours together man.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:37:59 AM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Equalizer700

I hate liars and deceit, too...it can be so hurtful!  My wife knows what I do...


I think you should have put that your wife knew in the OP. I believe some of the comments IMO may have been different. I know mine would have.

As a friend, and ONLY as a friend, I would tell your friend. That's what I think friends do - have their friends back - look out for them. I understand everyone telling you to mind your own business, and personally I despise DRAMA, but if I was her, I would not only want to know, but if/when I found out - if I found out you didn't tell me, I would be hurt by that as well...as if you no longer cared about her welfare because you weren't getting what your (sexual) fulfillment out of the relationship.

I also think though, that as a friend, you should make it very clear that you WILL NOT go right back into a sexual relationship with her. She may very well seek that comfort from you, but if you really care about her, you will not use her hurt for your advantage. She needs to do some soul searching and that will take time. Just be her friend, and if you really care about her, and not your penis, you will not allow her to use you to feel wanted and desired after being deceived by this man. You can show her that you really do care about her, and not just your own needs. If she initiates sexual conduct toward you - turn her down gently, explaining that you know how easy it would be to slip back into old patterns and that you won't do that until she really has time to think, and heal, and figure out if that is really what she wants. Perhaps that is why she wanted a sub to begin with - to have someone who would seem to get his pleasure simply from her happiness.

If, after time passes, and you are not in danger of being the "rebound" she wants to reconcile the sexual relationship you had, just go slow.

If she wants to tell the other Domme, or however she decides to handle it from there, just be supportive.

< Message edited by AtlantaMistress -- 2/22/2008 4:43:09 AM >

_____________________________

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.


(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:52:58 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Yanno.....as I was just in doing the warpaint and hairdo for the day I was thinking about this issue. About how something just smelled off and it isn't the creme cheese on my bagel.

Thinking about how I know women like I do and all the stuff I read on here about what submissives want from their dominant.

There is a fair possibility that the only one being deceived is the OP. Yeah, I know it is a bit of a stretch and yeah, I am not one to walk around wearing rose coloured glasses.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 4:58:50 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		AtlantaM:  We had already agreed that sex was out for us, as is any play, but I wasn't happy about it.  I know she needs to move on, and I would like to keep her as a best friend.  I have been pulling away from her to give her space, and the friendship has suffered...because of my actions, not hers.  I have not yet made it clear that I will be happy with her just as a friend, with no strings or sex involved, but I think that is the right step.  Then, as her friend, there can be no doubt as to my motives.

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: HELP! Advice needed! - 2/22/2008 5:01:37 AM   
Equalizer700


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline 		LaT,  By OP do you mean Original Post?  How would I be being deceived?  Maybe I'm thick...

(in reply to Equalizer700)
Profile   Post #: 40
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