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Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 1:41:34 AM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Every so often I notice someone on the boards make a disparaging remark about people who do not operate 24/7 in the lifestyle. It would seem that the general consensus from the people who make these types of remarks is that those who have their playtime and then go off to lead their vanilla lives are less experienced, involved, and regarded, as well as being merely into kinky sex. I'd like to take the opportunity to say that this just isn't true in many cases. I lead a very healthy and fulfilling life inside and outside the lifestyle. I'm extremely active and open about my play. I have the driving need to submit myself to master just as much as someone who does not have a vanilla life, and I most certainly am a valuable member of the BDSM community (as much so as anyone else). With that said, how do you view non-24/7 dom/mes and subs? Do you view them as less participatory? Do you agree or disagree with any of the above statements (regarding the general consensus quote, above)?

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 3:45:04 AM   
target


Posts: 46
Status: offline 		There are lots of reasons keeping people straddled between two worlds. One guy I know comes to mind. He was a true slave for 18 years, rarely seen in the real world and usually then by those in the life. His master was killed by a drunk driver and he was forced back into the world. Today he lives a simple life, serving as he can but unwilling to be collared...as he was never released and feels it would be disloyal. He's gotten grief over it from a few doms and I'm sure he's been judged as less for it. And those who did the judging are just plain stupid. And selfish.

I think the majority of people in this life aren't 24/7. It would be a lonely
place without them. Not all are great but then neither are All those 24/7's.
The ones who complain, well they complain about alot of things don't they. Some people can only feel good about themselves by setting themselves up as better than someone else for uncountable reasons. Fuck em. Have at it. Enjoy.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 4:00:04 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		The world and the lifestyle is big enough for both. I know people who would never live 24/7 (as in residing in the same house) due to children being involved. When the kids grow up and move our, who knows? Some folks also dont have the room for another to move in. There are a host of reasons not the least being they are not yet ready for such a move. I fail to see why they should be less valuable. It's rare indeed where I find someone who is not an assett even if it their bad attitude or example they display.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to target)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 4:26:19 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		And some pepole dont have the desire for 24/7, wanting to subit yes, and can be werry intense when they do, but dont want to subit all the time. In edition there is switches that change back and forth and dont want to settle into one of the roles 24/7.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 5:05:16 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Like fish in the sea, different types swim in different depths. Your own relationships are about finding someone who shares a common environment.

My D/s world is about private relationship and I have no interest in fetish clubs or "organised community" etc. But nor am I just a bedroom Dom either! I don't regard community lifestylers as more serious than myself, especially since many are just players anyway, but equally I don't look down on bedroom BDSMers either! All it means is that neither are compatible for *my* BDSM.

So, IMO, disparaging remarks made by others who do believe in elitism and hierarchies tends to reflect on their own insecurities moreso than the targets of their derision. I was once told I wasn't a serious lifestyler because I wouldn't share my girl.... I presume it was meant as a slur yet I took at as being in the presence of a hyper-wanker and cracked up accordingly.

Being comfortable in your own skin is all the reassurance you'll ever need.

Focus51.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 5:08:10 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedOnMyChain
With that said, how do you view non-24/7 dom/mes and subs? Do you view them as less participatory? Do you agree or disagree with any of the above statements (regarding the general consensus quote, above)?


While it isn't the Reveal Word "Your kink is not my kink but your kink is OK" works for me.

For those who equal intensity/duration or some other factor with quality, I refer them to the essay "The 90 degree mistake" on my website.


_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 5:59:11 AM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		aww i dunno...i'm a 60's child different strokes for different folks


wolfie

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 6:02:10 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedOnMyChain

With that said, how do you view non-24/7 dom/mes and subs? Do you view them as less participatory? Do you agree or disagree with any of the above statements (regarding the general consensus quote, above)?


I view them as I view anyone else. They have their interests...I have mine.

Do I feel they are less participatory. Well...yes. Someone who plays in a weekend soccer league participates less than a professional soccer player. I don't think that being less participatory is negative ... it simply is what it is.

I agree with the statement that 24/7 couples who have been together for a year will most likely have more experience than a couple that has been together for a year and plays every once in awhile. I don't think that is a derrogatory statement.

Any group I have ever been involved with has been just as supportive of casual BDSM-folk as they are for those that live 24/7.

There seems to be a perception that is primarily held by those that play less frequently that they are somehow less valuable than those that live 24/7. The same perception applies to placing value on certain labels: A slave is better than a submissive...a submissive is better than a bottom/ A Master is better than a dominant...a dominant is better than a top....etc etc. Again, these are really perceptions that the individual has created about themselves and not something that is being fostered by the community as a whole.

(If I'm rambling...it means that I am coffee deficient)

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 7:14:01 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		Get yourself some coffe then, coffe is good, i am alergic to coffe unforunatly, but it is good, especialy coffe maocca, but then i am alrgic to both milk, coffe, sugar and chocolate so it is not realy the thing for me.

i agree that the more you practice the more experienced you getso ofcourse a cupple that is 24/7 for a year will learn mre than some that ahve played six weekends that same year. Though i dont think that a slave is better than a submissive and that a submissive is better than a bottom, though one might have more experience than the other.

(in reply to MrThorns)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 8:38:21 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I have a good friend who is a bottom. She wants you to come over, restrain her, beat the snot out of her, fuck her and then leave. She does not want a Dominant and she doesn't want to be a submissive. I give her kudos for knowing exactly what she wants. I have no issues with someone that wants something different. I have issues with someone that presents themself as something they're not.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to nella)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 8:43:06 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedOnMyChain
how do you view non-24/7 dom/mes and subs? Do you view them as less participatory? Do you agree or disagree with any of the above statements (regarding the general consensus quote, above)?


As said earlier, different strokes for different folks.

To relate a personal experience...I'm someone that really is more interested in the pleasures of S&M activities, over having a D/s or M/s relationship. I consider myself a Top, over being referred to as a Domme. The physical aspects of enjoyment, via S&M is something I truly enjoy, while a 24/7 D/s relationship is not my interest.

While at a private party once, we were openly discussing a variety of things, when I was asked what I was seeking in a partner/mate. When I explained my desires, of S&M over D/s, the Domme next to me (one I've known for a few years, in the scene only), patted me on the knee and said, "Ohhhhh, that's okay, honey!"...as if I was doing something out of the norm, and that she was going to allow me that. That pat on the knee was offered in what I perceived to be as a sympathetic pat for my choices. I didn't bother to respond to her, but found her so totally condescending, regarding my choice. I might look at her differently now, based on her actions, but I've not changed how I feel about things.

I try not to worry about what others think. Let them judge, and complain, and compare, as I don't have time for it...I'm enjoying myself.

K

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 9:10:16 AM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am in my first 24/7 relationship which is not a true term. did not live together with my exslaves, I still thought of them as my slaves 24/7. And I must say that even now as I live with my current slave, my commitment to her as a Master is no less than to any of the others.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 9:21:25 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		Living together or not living together is not for me, and mark i said for me, not for everyone, what makes a 24/7, what 24/7 means to be is that you are Master and slave, or Dom and submissive towards one another all the time, not just for play, but you need not live together to be so.

(in reply to WickedKev)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 10:08:09 AM   
firefighteremt


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/5/2005
From: Buffalo NY (AREA)
Status: offline 		I agree that you don't need to live together but I need the 24/7 relationship. I think that my relationship is very functional when we are in public and would only be picked up by other D/s in most public situations.

_____________________________

It's your life...You live it

(in reply to nella)
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RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 10:14:59 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		Yes mine to, we dont exactly go around playing in public, somtimes i wear a collar, but whit my strange taste in clothes and jewlery, i dont think pepole realy notices mutch.

(in reply to firefighteremt)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 11:13:47 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Every so often I notice someone on the boards make a disparaging remark about people who do not operate 24/7 in the lifestyle.


It's been our observation that there are many more disparaging remarks about people who represent that they live together in a 24/7 lifestyle relationship. We've been challenged many times, saying it's not practical, impossible, or better yet, that we lie about how we live. Maybe it's because of coming from the 24/7 perspective that we are sensitive to this side of the argument.

Neither of us think that 24/7 is for everyone or that it should be a goal that everyone should or must aspire. It's good for us. We think it's very fulfilling and satisfying. Others have commented that our "rules", rituals, and protocols, are "micro-management". beth's adherence to those rules has had her called weak. We don't believe the day-to-day, or even minute to minute, "micro-management" is cumbersome. It's the "micro-management" that keeps our relationship goals in constant, confirming focus.

We also don't think being 24/7 automatically increases your skill sets. We've observed many individuals not in 24/7 and with no desire to be so, who have more ability, experience, and scene intensity than us. We haven't taken a poll on the subject, but we'd guess that many more of the individuals and couples we socialize with at club functions are NOT in 24/7. They aren't considered by us or anyone in the group for that matter as being "less valuable" in the community. I don't even recall ever asking as part of an introduction if someone was 24/7 or not; making it difficult to be judgmental on that basis.

We do believe that the relationship intensity is more profound when living together 24/7. But that's more a function of access. When you only visit someone on weekends or see each other intermittently those meetings become a focal point and therefore the intensity level is focused on those times. Living in the same household is a totally different dynamic. Different - not better or worse.

Can you provide some examples for your premise?

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 11:49:28 AM   
night101owl


Posts: 83
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline 		I'm a sadomasochist who is not really all that interested in dominance/submission, except within the context of an S&M scene. Yeah, I get called a "weekend player" or not really part of the "lifestyle". That's fine-- I don't really care if someone thinks I do or don't belong to the club. When I see 24/7 D/s types who don't do anything more than a nice relaxing percussive massage (soft flogging) at a play party, I may think they're very nice people, but I don't see them as sadomasochists, no matter how much leather they might be wearing. I won't say that any of us are more "real" or "hard core" than the other-- it's just different interests.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 12:24:24 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I've found that the lines between everything are so ephemeral that it doesn't make any sense to try and distinguish them. Relationships are relationships, independent of how often you break out the toys or call someone sir.

I WILL say that I find a difference in perspective based on "level" of experience- have they lived with someone? Have they dated offline? Have they gone to a bdsm conference? Have they been with someone for an extended period and NOT played?

For me it is the type of experiences over the long term which I think shape us and make it better to understand and connect- not any specific label of 24/7. I think problems arise when we make the label important and when people from a certain perspective try and misinterpret things on another perspective.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 12:30:54 PM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline 		I just don't see this dichotomy between "the real world" and the "lifestyle." We are who we are, and I don't feel there is any tension between the me who slaps the fuck out of her and the me that does sprintwork and the me that takes out the trash and the me that talks to clients about their needs and concerns.


(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Observation on Lifestyle - 9/19/2005 12:38:20 PM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I have no issues with someone that wants something different. I have issues with someone that presents themself as something they're not.



Definitely worth repeating.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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