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RE: Abusive encounters - 2/25/2008 11:23:13 AM   
Skully7000


Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		personally I like to point everyone to the Local Munches. while I do greatly enjoy this site: honestly I don't put to much hope into going straight from a online intro's to relationship. I've had much better luck(and generally better relationships) just finding cool people getting them to come to a Munch/club night/ or other public place. and if we hit it off awesome. if not there are plenty of other people for both of us to interact with. and most of the time I wind up with a friend. sometimes that friendship has lead to relationship later on other times a friend of theres...othertimes I'm glad I didn't get involved with them more then superficial...

I'm sorry to hear about your rough go...but just remember you made it out alright. and hopefully thats the end of it.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/25/2008 12:06:29 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thisisafakename

OK example - it might never occur to him to have a safe word or to sit down like adults and go over a list of likes/dislikes and limits because for him, its all about him. He wants someone who is just going to say "ok i submit" and let him do whatever he wants, without need for permission, and have that person do whatever he wants without question, and his needs are always more important. Forgive me if I am mistaken, as I am new to the scene, but this seems a little off?



I am glad that you are ok...did you find this stuff out before or during your unfortunate encounter?
Is that information what caused you to come to the conclusion that there was no chemistry?


I will respectfully disagree with Stella on one point...I think understanding how someone personally views WIITWD including the use of safewords as very important...and perhaps a topic that could be brought up before the first meeting.
If there isn't some basic compatibility then there is no point to meeting them.



None of this is your fault.
You are not to blame.

I am concerned that you ignored your gut instinct even though you state it is always right.
Since you say you tend to throw caution to the wind...how are you going to keep yourself safe the next time you have a strong feeling for someone?



Best wishes.

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/25/2008 12:31:01 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I hesitate to speak up here... but I would like to say I am glad you got away and are safe.  Please, watch yourself and if you suspect anything, document it, record it and go to law enforcement as soon as you can.  Be aware.  Sometimes the incident isn't all there is to the situation when you run into a pyshco.  If you have problems and he has your phone number, get a recorder that you can use as soon as he speaks.  Also have caller ID.  Keep a journal for this and only this, not including anything else in your life.  It can be hard to do, but tell the people around you what is or has gone on.  If local police or whatever don't listen, call again... call until you find someone who will listen and assist you.

I went through this.  A person can run into a crazy or off balance person no matter how careful they are.  Sometimes it isn't only how to conduct yourself, but also how to respond.  We all process things differently, but there are some things to be done in general.  Victimization can come at any time in life.  Learning how to get yourself through it and move on, no longer a victim is what is most important, once you are safely through the situation.  Personally, I won't let anyone make me live in fear and I might temper or change a few things, but never will they take over my life and that includes in how I respond to the victimization.

My best to you and anyone who lives through something like this.  Through your own fault or no fault at all, psycho's are out there.  Time factors don't always serve as a protection... rules of conduct are not always the end all... we just do the best we can and try to still have a life.  Don't let this make you afriad to live it!

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/25/2008 1:13:38 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		To the OP, I am so glad that you are safe.  As others have pointed out, this could have been a lot worse.  To be blunt, I'm glad you're still breathing.  I hate to put it this way, but I want to tell you something.

I hope this experience did scare you.  In fact, I hope it scared the hell out of you.  I hope it scared you so bad that you will never repeat these same mistakes again.  I hope you will never go through this (or worse) again because you've had the fortune to learn to stick to a safety plan.  Period.

My head is absolutely spinning from this post.  As someone else said, it sounds like a post that has been up before, but that doesn't change it from happening over and over.  It will happen again tomorrow, or next weekend, or next month, or whenever it is the next time someone ignores their gut, and skips keeping themselves safe.  No matter how long a person's been in the lifestyle, this is just a glowing example of why those red flags should catch attention.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/25/2008 6:07:50 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		Fakename -

I tried to message you on the other side but it told me no such name. I actually wanted say that I feel like I've met this person. Most likely not, considering I have no idea where you're even located, but some of the stuff that happened is spot on with someone I once met (he was a dom who was trying to convince me he needed to be degraded by a woman because he was worthless...don't ask!)

Anyway, so glad you're alright and take it from one more person who has gone against her gut feeling with terrible results, TRUST IT!!

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/27/2008 2:16:35 AM   
travelgman


Posts: 187
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline 		Like everyone else I am glad the OP came out of her experience realtively unharmed. And got a good lesson out of  it.

Not sure what it is lately. But there does seem to be a fair amount of incidences like this going on around CM. A sub friend of mine who is the type to always respond back at least with a polite yes or no thanks to anyone who sends her a message. Was telling me about some of the sillyness she had to put up with recently from men who she had done no more than speak politely with a few times. One messaged her on yahoo after she recently took her profile down. Telling her she was no real sub and that she didnt have to go to all that trouble if she wanted to end their "relationship". Which of course her reasons had nothing to do with this man at all

She also had an incident that like yours that could have gone very wrong but thankfully she did not let it. She agreed to meet a dom from the site and as soon as she got in his car. His first words were" Your going to give me a bj now and were going to my house". She just  said " I don't think so" and got  out of the car and left him there.


< Message edited by travelgman -- 2/27/2008 2:19:27 AM >

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/27/2008 4:58:48 AM   
MissLily


Posts: 146
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		Oh man, what an adventure!!!!

He sounds like a narsicistic psycho to Me!!! If he's not toooooo crazy, he'll leave you alone for hurting his pride. Good thing you did when you called the cops. Probably cooled him down.

If he keeps on messing with you though, don't hesitate and call the cops. He could be dangerous.

I'm glad you came out of this all right... And you're right. He's not a Dom. He's using it to make his abuse acceptable. I never had to be abusive to anyone to Dominate them. Quite the opposite.

Don't give up on online people though. We're not ALL crazy...

Take care,
Miss Lily

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/28/2008 7:36:11 PM   
thisisafakename


Posts: 14
Joined: 2/24/2008
Status: offline 		To DominaSmartAss - Its not the same person, I can tell from your location.
To angelikaJ - The chemistry issue was apparent simply by being around him, the other things I learned and discovered upon his shit storm bravado.

I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that this issue seems to be resolved. I think he realized where he went wrong, and he hasn't tried to contact me since. He's taken the slander off this profile too. I just hope he gets some help at some point, because he obviously needs to deal with some issues. I don't think he's dangerous anymore, but it could have easily been a dangerous situation.

I'm not totally put off meeting people online, having had time to process and think about it, and I do know there are enough genuine people to go around. Its just SUCH a shame, that there are so many fakes. This particular guy proudly states (at the age of 26) that he's been a Dom for 10 years. and maybe he is, but he certainly should deal with some of his own issues before he continues to hurt people.

Thanks for all the lovely comments.

(in reply to MissLily)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/28/2008 7:52:09 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Online, or real life, it isn't too hard to get yourself caught in such a position. Some people are simply better actors than others. Fortunately for you, your stalker of the month didn't hold up his 'nice guy' mask for more than three days.

Meet them as friends first, and hell invite another friend along, get them to invite one along too, or meet them at a local function if you have munches and such in your area.
I'm very glad you made it through this, but don't think you're free and clear, you can put the stress behind you now, but keep the incident in your memory,and don't forget the lesson you learned from it.

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/28/2008 7:52:39 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thisisafakename

To DominaSmartAss - Its not the same person, I can tell from your location.


Actually, I'm newly relocated. The person I had in mind was an encounter back when I lived in NYC.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/28/2008 8:13:09 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Hindsight is always 20/20..we can all pontificate on where you went wrong , thats the easy part..It will always be a fine line to be walked...how far to trust, what precautions should be used..etc etc...but face it, no matter how careful you try to be, someone..some very deceptive someone, will be able to fly in under the radar...there are sadly, never any guarantees in life...go with what you have learned from this experience..consider it another "street smart lesson" in your repertoire.....and thank you for sharing for others to learn from as well...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/28/2008 8:35:21 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		This type of crazy behavior does not always happen right away, as it did in your case.  It is a very intense emotional ride to go through.

I want to share something similar that happened from one of my past relationships.

I had been in a relationship with somebody for nearly two years when we seperated and took a time out from one another.   During this time, she met somebody at the place she worked at.   Her intention was to simply date this guy and explore things.  No big deal right?  After all her and I were no longer together.    Anyways, here's the kicker.   After being seperated for about 4 monthes her and I work things out about getting back together.  

This guy she had been seeing at a not so seriously level, ends up flipping out and doing the same exact shit as described in the OP.   It got even worse when her and I moved back in together for 24/7 living.   This guy would leave all kinds of strange gifts, letters and would leave phone calls (the type mentioned in the OP).   He went so far to actually get drunked up, showed up at work made an emotional scene there, then show up at the house leave a long winded suicide journal on her car, then took off to the woods, cut his arm with a box cutter, and get all crazy.   Too bad he did not cut himself deep enough to cause any real harm.  (yes, that sounds mean I know).    

Anyways ways this Dude stalked both her and I for monthes on end.   He showed up one time when we were leaving the Movie theater, right out in the parking lot, he had two vanilla milk shakes from McDonalds.   One was supposed to be for her and he had the balls enough to walk up to us and try offering her it right in front of me.   Basically, this dude was so fucked up in the head it was not funny.

So many details I can go into here.   In short it turns out this guy had a history of this type of behavior including a number of previous police and inncident reports on his ass.   The only way to sanity, was to change phone numbers, we ended up moving to a different apartment.  Oh yeah, it also helped that he fled the state to get away from the long arm of the law.   So yes, it helps to get the police involved. 

This guy not only drove her insane, it took a toll on me as well.  Even more so when he actually tried to be all buddy buddy with me.   He made certain though that he caused some stress and damage.  Because, he had dumped ever IM, email and letter that her and him had exchanged on me.   

When he was out of state, he sent us package of many off the things.  He had actually took detailed notes about everything she liked and disliked.   Notes he took from his and her conversations.   Included in this package was a bible with a big knife stab in it.   We actually kept a whole box of shit on this guy in the closest, including recordings of voice messages he left before the phone number was changed.   Basically, a collection of hardcore evidence to his crazy stalker off the wall antics. 

Anyways, she had no clue that he was like up until the point when her and I were getting back together.   This dude even knew about me in ad\vance and that there was a chance that her and I might work things out and get back together.

So the point I want to make, is that this type of behavior does not always show up right away, however eventually it will.  

I'm sorry that you have had an experience from Hell.  It's not easy to go through, just be strong.   Let other people know about this.  Contact the police, at the very least file incident reports.  You don't have to press charges to file an incident report.  I'm not certain what the law is like in your area.   Be certain to keep copies of the voice messages, IMs and emails.   Anything else that he might leave on your doorstep or mailbox.   Keep a journal of times and dates and what happened as well.     
   


(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 12:29:38 AM   
thisisafakename


Posts: 14
Joined: 2/24/2008
Status: offline 		Just when I thought I was over it.....I decided to have an early night and somehow went into REM within the first two hours, which is unusual for me.

I then had the following nightmare, which freaked me out so much I woke up and wrote it down, also unusual for me.

I was in my apartment talking to someone online on my laptop. He asked me to come and meet him in a public place, which I decided to do. I got up and left the house and got in my car. I drove to the hotel he had asked me to meet him at and into the underground parking lot to park my car. As I came around the corner In the parking lot there was a little kid wandering around on his own in the middle of the path. I got out of the car and picked up the little kid. He was just a baby. The mother and father then turned out to be nearby and couldn't see me. Then the mother gestured at me to take the baby, as the father started violently attacking her. I cradled the baby in my arms and jumped into my car. I don't know where he went but the baby disappeared out of my dream at this point.

When I got back home I sat down on my bed and noticed a series of boxes that had been placed in my room. Novelty halloween boxes with fetish designs and pictures on them like the size of cereal boxes but more hexagonal in shape. One had a black tree and an orange background. Almost like vintage toy boxes that had never been opened. I remember thinking, its not halloween season. I looked up at my roommate who was cleaning the floor on the opposite side of the room (it is like one big room we live in). I knew she hadn't put them there. Suddenly I felt a wave of grossness come over me and just felt very very weird, like I was being watched or recorded or something.

I walked slowly over to my roommate and asked her quietly, "would you like to go for a coffee?" she said "no not really". So I stood there thinking what the hell was I going to do. I scrambled around for a piece of paper and wrote in scrawl onto the paper "I think we are being watched, and someone has been in this house, we need to change the locks". She looked at me and nodded her head and said "yes I know what you mean I thought something was weird". As we stood there in the kitchen looking at each other, a third person popped into the dream (in the dream she was a friend but in reality I've never seen her before in my life, she had long curly black hair and looked a bit like penelope cruz) and as the three of us stood there thinking of what we might do, I looked over into the area of my bedroom.

A realization came over me, that I hadn't been away that long and how could this person have had time to come and do all this without anyone noticing? The fear built in me into a sort of anger and I charged over to where my bed was whilst screaming. A rather large man wearing suit and cowboy hat jumped out from underneath the bed and started running towards the door. He was wearing a light blue shirt and beige pants and had a big beer gut. He ran straight past us and out into the hall.

As we closed the door behind us my head was reeling with what else has he done, "this is so creepy", "how are we going to protect ourselves now?", "what must we do?" and so on. Seconds later I was surrounded by my closest friends who were consoling us. No sooner had the friends popped into the dream but the man burst through the door with a gun. He started aiming the gun in my direction as he scanned across the faces for me, and as he did so my friend P... instinctively moved toward me. The man then pointed the gun swiftly to P...'s head and shot him point blank. After which he turned the gun in my direction and somehow I managed to grab his hand and turn it quickly towards him where he shot himself, I shot him a couple more times almost simultaneously or even accidentally, as we both clasped the gun, he fell backwards out of the door and the door was shut.

I fell to my knees and picked up P.... by his torso holding his head in my hands as blood ran everywhere. In that moment I realized he had given his life for me and that I loved him and I kissed him on the lips. My head was filled with panic of trying to find a way to save him. The way that I always save situations and make things better how could I apply this now? And that somehow there might be something magical that I could do to save him, or waning there to be something that could be done, but just trying so hard to figure out what that was. The moments passed by in flash as he passed away in my arms. At this point I think I was so scared and freaked out that I woke myself up.


< Message edited by thisisafakename -- 2/29/2008 12:35:37 AM >

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 12:59:11 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Scary dream. I hope you take the time to interpret it. One thing positive I noticed was the friends who supported you. Some who you didnt even know. Maybe like here? Hmmm?

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 5:05:03 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		This guy definitely has some issues and its a good thing that you sensed something was amiss and sent him on his way. Its hard to tell what is going on in a persons mind and many times there are no warning signals at all, this is true particularly online.

If there is a silver lining in this encounter here it is, you learned something...never have someone you don't really know pick you up and put you in a vulnerable position such as you were in.  Always protect yourself, meet them in a public place and take your own (or public) transportation.

Just because you "feel" something online doesn't mean it will carry over into real life. Many times people have a very different online personality than they do in real life. Also keep in mind people online are usually on their best behavior when chatting with you, and that is what makes it so hard to read them.

Be smart, be safe.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 5:58:11 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Nasty dream, and one I would hope does not repeat itself for you. You can try to interpret some of the symbolism within it, some of it doesd seem straight forward like LL says. You have friends willing to look out for you. However may I suggest that one part of the dream may be easily interpreted. Your subconscious and little lizard hindbrain agree something is still off in your neighborhood, though maybe not directly in your house. They may feel you are being watched and tryng to alert you. Often our dreams reflect what the subconscious and lizard hindbrain observe or feel or think. It is their only way to talking to us. I may not be right, but please be caustious and listen to your own instincts.

poenkitten 

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 6:07:42 AM   
RopesOverCuffs


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/20/2008
Status: offline 		women should own tasers *nod nod* and a first date u should always drive in seperate cars and make sure to go to public places...u never really know someone from "online" or "phone calls" so its always best to be safe...hopefully u play more on the safe side next time

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 6:27:38 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		The baby you were protecting is you...
Your friends were also you...
You have to protect yourself, and you have to learn to do it without putting yourself in danger again.
And yes, you have to be extra vigilant right now, and think about ways of making your place more secure.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to RopesOverCuffs)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 7:13:32 AM   
luvnchains


Posts: 52
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thisisafakename

To all of you pointing out the mistakes - yes you are right! those are the mistakes I made...I accept responsibility for those, and I'm not trying to to blame it on anything in particular, just share the experience, spark a discussion and hopefully encourage someone else who might read this, to not make the same ones.

ps. I like to throw caution to the wind in general, its my style. and....truthfully, I'm probably not going to stop doing that, I just will be waaaaay more careful about meeting anyone new in future.


I wanted to let you and other posters know that you were lucky you found this out on the first meeting.  I met someone who turned out to be like this AFTER I had been in a relationship with him for some time! Totally psycho! ( needless to say it took a while but I ditched him)  Your ride in the car, brought back vivid memories of just such a ride I had with him. On the highway, threatening to run into every over pass and slamming ion the breaks infront of Semi-trucks...OMG He didn't want to live without me. and he was going to take me too!  ( luckly he had one brain cell that worked for his self preservation ( and mine!),
What I am saying to you is, don't beat yourself up over this, yes it's a lesson, could you have seen it comming?  No one will ever know.  In my case the guy was fantastic swept me off my feet and managed to keep the facade up for nearly a year and a half, thank your lucky stars that you didn't have to deal with the heart ache of falling deeply in love with a total sociopath.
I'm glad you are safe! *hugs*

(in reply to thisisafakename)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Abusive encounters - 2/29/2008 7:29:02 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvnchains


I wanted to let you and other posters know that you were lucky you found this out on the first meeting.  I met someone who turned out to be like this AFTER I had been in a relationship with him for some time! Totally psycho! ( needless to say it took a while but I ditched him)  Your ride in the car, brought back vivid memories of just such a ride I had with him. On the highway, threatening to run into every over pass and slamming ion the breaks infront of Semi-trucks...OMG He didn't want to live without me. and he was going to take me too!  ( luckly he had one brain cell that worked for his self preservation ( and mine!),
What I am saying to you is, don't beat yourself up over this, yes it's a lesson, could you have seen it comming?  No one will ever know.  In my case the guy was fantastic swept me off my feet and managed to keep the facade up for nearly a year and a half, thank your lucky stars that you didn't have to deal with the heart ache of falling deeply in love with a total sociopath.
I'm glad you are safe! *hugs*


Reading this brought back a memory from the last couple of weeks I was still with my ex. I had a terrifying car ride with him, only I was driving. I had driven into the parking lot of the VA and tried to convince him to go in and let them help him again. He was very close to a breaking point and I knew it. He blew up and threatened me and the kids who were in the car with us if I didn't get out of the parking lot and take him home. I was terrified and drove out, got on the highway and headed home. He lost it shortly after we were on the highway, jerked the steering wheel out of my hands and tried to force the van into oncoming traffic. I fought and regained control of the wheel and got us on our side of the road and began slowing down to pull over. He jerked the wheel again attempting to run us off the road into the ditch/shallow drop off area. I got control of the wheel again braking harder as I steered off to the shoulder and he was during that grabbing my right leg and twisting and pinching skin like he was going to rip a chunk of it off, cursing me and threatening me all the while. I regained some spine due to anger at the kids getting upset by him and told him if he wanted to go home he'd best keep his hands to himself or I'd kick him out on the side of the road and let him walk (we were 2 hours from home at the time). He backed off and I made it home and very shortly thereafter the police removed him from the home though not without a hell of a fight from him (thankfully, the kids and I weren't there and were safe at that time).

He and I had been together for 11 years and it was over time that his psychotic nature manifested openly.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to luvnchains)
Profile   Post #: 60
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