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Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/21/2005 6:00:16 PM

RaeRae39

Posts: 35
Joined: 10/26/2004
Status: offline

Ok, I have to put this out there,....
I am presently thinking of how to go about shopping for a Dom/Master. My last experience wasn't good, it ended up we were too different, with different lives in states next to each other, but it couldn't work. I also didn't care for a Master not doing what he said he was going to do, many promises, much talk, but no action. Now I find myself getting plenty of offers from other Doms to meet, date, get to know each other. I want to take my time, not make the same mistake. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?
Do I tell these Doms that I am indeed considering others as well? I don't want to be dishonest, or hard on any Dom just because of the past, but I don't want to fuck myself again either. Some seem to think just because they have contacted you, and you write or you go on one date that's it, your as good as theirs. Not so~! This time the Dom/Master has to prove to me he is who he says he is~! It's not just us subs that get tested. This is a mutual exchange. So what do you all think>??????
RaeRae39

Post #: 1

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/21/2005 6:09:40 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I absolutely did this when I was single. My criteria for meeting for coffee or drinks was rigid.

The thing that really helped was making a list of what I wanted in a person. A very detailed list. Then I sorted out my 5 to 7 core values of the relationship.

It kept me from getting distracted by people that weren't looking for the same things out of life that I was.

I made it perfectly clear that there would no sex or BDSM on the first meeting (you'd be surprised how many people that weeded out). In fact, there probably wouldn't sex or BDSM for the first 5 dates or so. I honest about the fact that I was searching and I was picky.

I guess the best advice is: don't settle.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to RaeRae39)

Post #: 2

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/21/2005 6:46:45 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I'd be 100% honest with them. Relationships in general are based on trust.
Let them know you are considering other's. Maybe they will work harder to get you that way.

I also agree with Oside. When I was searching I made a list of absolute needs in my life. The dom I found had to meet those needs. Not wants, because I knew as we grew together we would learn to compromise and my wants would become his and vice versa.

Stay true to yourself and you'll be ok.

(in reply to RaeRae39)

Post #: 3

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/21/2005 8:56:57 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Ditto what they said. Yes, be honest that you're dating around and not ready to settle into a serious relationship right now. Yes, be picky about who you date and make sure they fit well.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 4

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 5:44:15 AM

RaeRae39

Posts: 35
Joined: 10/26/2004
Status: offline

Thanks so much for your input ~! It's been a confusing time for me as far as the dating/interviewing issue. Some Doms say things like, hey I'm the one for you, don't go out on any other dates, flat out~! Now to me that is very assuming. And thanks for the advice to make a list of my needs, very good idea~! This way I don't waste my time or theirs~! Plus, I have a daughter to consider, some don't care for this, they want all my time or their not good with children.
Rae:)

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 5

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 6:18:45 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
I agree with what's been said here so far.
If they can't handle you're not ready to jump in both feet and be exclusive to them then that's something they have to deal with if they are truly interested in you. Those that want you to stop talking to others and be only theres right away would be throwing up red flags to me. If they are that insecure about some friendly competition, and not concerned with you being ready to make a full commitment what kind of recipe would that be in a relationship with them?

Take your time, meet lots, and be selective. This is your life and your body we are talking about here.

Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to RaeRae39)

Post #: 6

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 6:20:58 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RaeRae39

Thanks so much for your input ~! It's been a confusing time for me as far as the dating/interviewing issue. Some Doms say things like, hey I'm the one for you, don't go out on any other dates, flat out~! Now to me that is very assuming. And thanks for the advice to make a list of my needs, very good idea~! This way I don't waste my time or theirs~! Plus, I have a daughter to consider, some don't care for this, they want all my time or their not good with children.
Rae:)

I'm not good with children (unless they are sauted just right).

Seriously, you have a kid; if they can't handle that, they obviously aren't a good candidate for a long term relationship. A woman with a child is a package deal and any dom who doesn't like children hasn't got any business courting her. In my opinion, the ones who do are really thinking "I'll have my fun and be gone before its a problem."

If I were you, I'd make it a deal breaker.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to RaeRae39)

Post #: 7

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 6:32:59 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Hee heeee, Dom Shopping. Gotta love it.

I've realized there is a fine line in our personal head space
when *shopping*. The side that's submissive tends to give
in, follow or try's to do as told all the while that other side that
knows ourself is kicking us square in the Ass saying whoa,
time out, this is not what *I* need. So in that, I have to
agree with the rest, know you, your needs and eventually
one will fit pretty well with a few slight consessions (sp?)............

Happy Hunting
Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 8

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 9:08:00 AM

Nuke718

Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

Hey Rae Rae,

My take on finding a partner whether Domme,sub, switch or 'nilla is a little honesty up front will reduce problems later. Things like marital status, children, health conditions, etc should all come out as you decide that the person is indeed somebody you would consider seeing.

Now this doesn't all need to go in the very FIRST message, LoL. As for saying you are talking to other people, I always admit to it but give no details. And if I get serious about 1 person, I let the others know and reduce/end my interaction with them. I don't think it's fair to lead anyone on, on the other hand I may say something along the lines of I will be in touch if it doesn't work out.

N}:-

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 9

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 9:34:46 AM

subspaceinMD

Posts: 42
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

i totally understand and know exactly where you are coming from. i went on a website that is in the area i live and clicked on the newcomers link. From there i got all kinds of info including meetings. i went to a meeting for the first time last night! Everyone there was nice and helpful, and i hope to meet someone by becoming more active in the social aspect of the scene. My question is are you able to keep looking for the right one until you are collared (for lack of a better term) as long as you are honest about it?? my advice (for what it is worth) is to keep looking and interacting with people here on this site, and at functions outside of the site. Hopefully you will find the right one. i wish you much luck!!

(in reply to RaeRae39)

Post #: 10

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 9:51:39 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subspaceinMD

i totally understand and know exactly where you are coming from. i went on a website that is in the area i live and clicked on the newcomers link. From there i got all kinds of info including meetings. i went to a meeting for the first time last night! Everyone there was nice and helpful, and i hope to meet someone by becoming more active in the social aspect of the scene. My question is are you able to keep looking for the right one until you are collared (for lack of a better term) as long as you are honest about it?? my advice (for what it is worth) is to keep looking and interacting with people here on this site, and at functions outside of the site. Hopefully you will find the right one. i wish you much luck!!

Are you coming to the "Exploratorium" on Saturday? I'll be there.

(in reply to subspaceinMD)

Post #: 11

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 9:55:00 AM

subspaceinMD

Posts: 42
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

i so wish i could, but hopefully i will be able to move some things around. i can't say enough how nice and welcoming everyone was at the meeting. It made me feel that a huge weight had been lifted off of me. It was a great experience. A nice sub named Robin actually met me outside and stayed with me the whole night to make me feel more comfortable. Its funny because the topic was knife play (how intimidating is that:)

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 12

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 10:44:01 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subspaceinMD
A nice sub named Robin actually met me outside and stayed with me the whole night to make me feel more comfortable. Its funny because the topic was knife play (how intimidating is that:)

Robin does indeed rock :) She's the one who mostly spearheaded the Exploratorium as well, she's going to be becoming a team leader next week. You probably met my housemates, too. I had other engagements to attend last night, but if you're free tonight, I'm hosting a Mix & Mingle event to see Batman Begins at UMBC, email for details.

I do hope you can make it Saturday. I will be going to the tickle torture class in the afternoon as well and am putting myself up for the auction.

(in reply to subspaceinMD)

Post #: 13

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 11:15:58 AM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

The smart shopper will always take careful note of the return policy.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 14

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 12:07:12 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Seriously, you have a kid; if they can't handle that, they obviously aren't a good candidate for a long term relationship. A woman with a child is a package deal and any dom who doesn't like children hasn't got any business courting her. In my opinion, the ones who do are really thinking "I'll have my fun and be gone before its a problem."

If I were you, I'd make it a deal breaker.

I absolutely agree 100% with what John said here. Having a child puts some very specific demands upon a relationship, and any dominant who wants an involvement with you MUST be willing to look upon your child as, if not his own, then at least someone whose well being is as important to him as it is to you. He needs to know, understand and acknowledge that, until your child turns 18, that child comes first. Always.

Take your time. Don't settle. And remember that, until you wear His collar, no one owns you but you. Until the time comes that YOU choose to allow him some semblance of control over you and your life, you're operating on your own rules and schedule - not his.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 15

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/22/2005 2:57:31 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Having a child puts some very specific demands upon a relationship, and any dominant who wants an involvement with you MUST be willing to look upon your child as, if not his own, then at least someone whose well being is as important to him as it is to you. He needs to know, understand and acknowledge that, until your child turns 18, that child comes first. Always.

This made me think of a comment I heard once from a rather firm Dom..."screaming, sick or needy kid tops a Dom anyday". I think that says it all. The issue is finding a man that understands this.

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 16

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/23/2005 5:57:43 AM

RaeRae39

Posts: 35
Joined: 10/26/2004
Status: offline

Thanks again for everyone's input. I really know the importance of a Dom being adaptable with me having a young daughter, {she is 12}, so if he doesn't like children, or isn't particularly good with them, it's not good. I dated one that actually told me that he loved me, but, told me I should consider shipping her off to boarding school if I indeed wanted to be with him. Needless to say, that didn't work out~!!!!!
Ah, here is another little question I have: What does it mean, on a second date, the Dom says he is cheap>? What is the purpose in that statement?
Rae

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 17

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/23/2005 7:02:42 AM

subspaceinMD

Posts: 42
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

i would thin the purpose of a Dom saying he is cheap, is that he doesn't want to spend money on you. Some people believe that there are submissives out there who are only looking to be taken care of financially, and therefore by saying he is cheap he probably wants to make sure you are not one of them. i am so not after anyoes money, however i would not want to submit or even date for that fact someone who is cheap. Did you meet him in person, and did he make you pay? There are also on the flip side some not so nice Doms who are looking for a submissive to take advantage of financially. Just be careful inyour selection. Good luck!

(in reply to RaeRae39)

Post #: 18

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/24/2005 12:04:14 AM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RaeRae39

Thanks again for everyone's input. I really know the importance of a Dom being adaptable with me having a young daughter, {she is 12}, so if he doesn't like children, or isn't particularly good with them, it's not good. I dated one that actually told me that he loved me, but, told me I should consider shipping her off to boarding school if I indeed wanted to be with him. Needless to say, that didn't work out~!!!!!
Ah, here is another little question I have: What does it mean, on a second date, the Dom says he is cheap>? What is the purpose in that statement?
Rae

Personally, that would tell me not to have a third date! I am not looking for someone to take care of me financially, but if he feels the need to tell me he is cheap, I am going to do a couple of things. First ask him what he means by that statement (in case it is to ward of "gold digger" subs), and then judging from the answer make my decision from there. Experience tells me though, that when someone actually announces that they are "cheap", there will be big issues later on.

(in reply to RaeRae39)

Post #: 19

RE: Shopping for a new Dom,... - 9/24/2005 2:58:53 AM

RainGod

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

JohnWarren said:

quote:

A woman with a child is a package deal and any dom who doesn't like children hasn't got any business courting her.

I wholeheartedly agree, John. The same goes for single Dads out there, too. I cannot tell you how often I have run into the "oh, you have a kid you are raising? Oh, well, I can't handle that." and that's cool... but it seems to Me that someone would see a single parent standing on her/his own and sticking to their guns and raising their child as they should do... and respect that about them. It seems it would be a sign of sincere determaination and dedication to duty. I find that very appealing... and not just because I am a single Dad, either.

John is right. if they can't accept you both as a package deal... and LOVE the child, not just tolerate him/her, you're better off without that individual.

Heck, this would make a good thread, lol

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 20

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