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Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 12:02:24 PM

LadyGothAngel

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

Hi Everyone,

I am writing to ask the Dominants here a few questions:

Have you ever "lost" your Dominant side because of time away from the lifestyle and brought it back?

What did you do to bring it back?

My Master is going through this right now. It is very frustrating on his side and mine. I've been pretty much patiently waiting for two years now. His Dom side comes for 2-7 days and leaves again.

He used to be great with control, strictness, evilness, be slightly cruel at times, and well.. you all get the idea. Now, he is more like a lover.

This is causing much stress.

I would love some ideas to help him out. I know *HE* should be posting and asking, but I am not sure he would ever get around to it. He is getting more forgetful than I am (and I have a medical reason to be, lol).

The option of leaving him is not open at this point.

Thank you in advance,
LGA

Post #: 1

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 12:32:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

How do you define "dom side"? Perhaps you guys are focusing too much on what isn't there rather than celebrating and loving what IS there.

It seems as though you define lover as "not dom"- perhaps your expectations of what being a dom 24/7 are preventing you from seeing the fullness of dominance and how it can be expressed in loving touches as well as cruel blows.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 2

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 12:39:31 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Talk to him?

But when you say he isn't dominant, do you mean he isn't dreaming up new rules for you to scamper about trying to learn in order to punish you when you haven't? Or do you mean he isn't into play very much.

The Man's basic rules haven't changed. What has changed is that I don't even think about them anymore, they're just habit.
One thing he isn't going to do is invent new rules that he has to pay attention to when he doesn't care about the results. He doesn't need to be strict because I'm dependable in doing what he wants, and when I can't, in having a damn good reason.

Play is never enough in my opinion. But I'm greedy like that! We have busy lives and often, even when we think we've cleared an evening, things happen. But what helps in times like that is just telling each other how much we miss it, what we are both thinking about, desires we have etc. And there's nothing wrong in waiting for him to ask why you're so silent and tell him you were thinking about the time when he did X or said Z. Or even coming out naked, draping yourself over his knee and explaining earnestly that your back itched and could he please scratch it? Which usually winds up getting me my back scratched at the least, and a lot more the rest of the time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 3

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 1:23:28 PM

TotalState

Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGothAngel

I would love some ideas to help him out. I know *HE* should be posting and asking, but I am not sure he would ever get around to it.

I don't think he should be asking the forum. I think you should be talking to him about it, and telling him you would like him to be more dominant, more often.

There might be more deep-rooted problems, you know. If he's not acting dominant...perhaps he isnt?

_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 4

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 1:59:11 PM

LadyGothAngel

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

First of all, thank you for the replies thus far:

How much is too much for talking? I talk to him nearly everyday about this. He promises to do better and a few days later, back to virtually nothing. Like I said, this is something ongoing for 2 years, working on 3.

How can you focus on what isn't there anymore? The love part is easy and a given.

I don't act out. I strive to be good. But, I could run wild and amok and he would not blink and eye or said a word about it.

I cannot define what a Dom is to me. It will be different for everyone, yes? Each person has their own views on this. I just know how he used to be on a daily basis and how he is after having time away from the lifestyle.

He admits that his Dom side is buried and does not know how to bring it back out for more than a few days at a time. I want to help him. I want to remain there for him always, and so far I am. I support him, I listen, I care, I love, and I help when the time is needed.

The time is needed and I ask the previous questions in hopes that some other Dominants have been through this and can offer sound advice.

LGA

(in reply to TotalState)

Post #: 5

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 3:24:06 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGothAngel
How much is too much for talking? I talk to him nearly everyday about this. He promises to do better and a few days later, back to virtually nothing. Like I said, this is something ongoing for 2 years, working on 3.

How can you focus on what isn't there anymore? The love part is easy and a given.

I don't act out. I strive to be good. But, I could run wild and amok and he would not blink and eye or said a word about it.

I cannot define what a Dom is to me. It will be different for everyone, yes? Each person has their own views on this. I just know how he used to be on a daily basis and how he is after having time away from the lifestyle.

He admits that his Dom side is buried and does not know how to bring it back out for more than a few days at a time. I want to help him. I want to remain there for him always, and so far I am. I support him, I listen, I care, I love, and I help when the time is needed.

The time is needed and I ask the previous questions in hopes that some other Dominants have been through this and can offer sound advice.

LGA

Give it more time, be honestly supportive and cherish the moments that are there, broaden your ideas of what "dominance" is and accept the reality of what is rather than continuing to say "It's not enough."

Now, there may indeed come a point for you at which this is "not enough" and that's ok. But it's obviously not now and everytime you say "It's not like it used to be" or "It's not dom enough" you're telling him "Change and do what I want you to do."

He will never be who he was. Accept it.

He may become more and different than who he is now- it's a journey for him to take.

Every time you do another "promise to change and then not really change" cycle you get both of you ramped up on resentment and disappointment.

A particular piece of advice, and why I asked you first is to define FOR YOURSELF what you feel "dom" is. How can he be expected to be more dom and promise to be more dom to you unless you both agree on what that means? You are talking but not communicating. Pick one or two actions for him to commit to doing every week and see how that goes for a few months. If it helps, keep it. If it doesn't, toss it and try something else.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 6

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 3:37:30 PM

SixFootMaster

Posts: 829
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGothAngel

First of all, thank you for the replies thus far:

How much is too much for talking? I talk to him nearly everyday about this. He promises to do better and a few days later, back to virtually nothing. Like I said, this is something ongoing for 2 years, working on 3.

How can you focus on what isn't there anymore? The love part is easy and a given.

I don't act out. I strive to be good. But, I could run wild and amok and he would not blink and eye or said a word about it.

I cannot define what a Dom is to me. It will be different for everyone, yes? Each person has their own views on this. I just know how he used to be on a daily basis and how he is after having time away from the lifestyle.

He admits that his Dom side is buried and does not know how to bring it back out for more than a few days at a time. I want to help him. I want to remain there for him always, and so far I am. I support him, I listen, I care, I love, and I help when the time is needed.

The time is needed and I ask the previous questions in hopes that some other Dominants have been through this and can offer sound advice.

LGA

Step 1. Stop talking about it every day as if it is your living breath - whether it is or not
Step 2. Think of the moment when he was at his most intense domish self, and what you were doing, aim to identify the triggers that fueled his passion then, and see if you can come up with a way to re-enact those triggers.

Six.

_____________________________

How-so oft fresh injurious deed
Doth turn Janus' petulant gaze
'pon the rocks and storm rift sea
And littered wood of broken days
disregard for toil shown
no ground broken, no seed sewn.

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 7

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/2/2008 5:30:38 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

Maybe establishing some sort of ritual or some kind of rule where neither one of you need to 'feel' dominant or submissive to partake will help.

What does he do that is dominant? Like...taking charge in the bedroom waxes and wanes? Bossing you around? Setting rules for you? What sorts of things are you looking for?

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 8

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/3/2008 4:31:30 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You do realize that the more you tell him nearly everyday that he isn't dominant enough, that you are killing his drive to dominate you? I can't imagine why he would want to when you are nagging him about it.

Try submitting to him instead. Do things for him without expecting an immediate payback. Make his favorite meals. Kneel at his feet and rub his feet. Stand behind him while he sits and give him a shoulder massage. And do this and more as an outpouring of your love.

It sounds like he dominates only in the presence of someone who actively submits. Try being someone who actively submits.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 9

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/3/2008 4:46:38 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You do realize that the more you tell him nearly everyday that he isn't dominant enough, that you are killing his drive to dominate you? I can't imagine why he would want to when you are nagging him about it.

Try submitting to him instead. Do things for him without expecting an immediate payback. Make his favorite meals. Kneel at his feet and rub his feet. Stand behind him while he sits and give him a shoulder massage. And do this and more as an outpouring of your love.

It sounds like he dominates only in the presence of someone who actively submits. Try being someone who actively submits.

I think this sums up my feelings quite well.

If I have to keep putting on some kinda show, making up new rules and punishments just to keep my sub/slave happy then I am going to begin wondering just who is serving who. If she doesn't want to actively submit and serve without me strutting about all dommely like all the time, then I will lose interest.

All relationships take work, from both sides. The reality is that much of the time you may feel you are giving 100% and the other person about 10%. Such is life, the ebb and flow.

Since we don't have the whole story, thats about all I've got to say on the matter.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/3/2008 11:03:58 AM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

i have been seeing some variaton of this question for a while, and dealing with it myself.. getting very little play at the moment because my Dom is affected by weather more than i am, and is in the tail of the winter doldrums. somehow however this doesn't affect his ability to give out deserved punishments, however.   :p

i finally decided it is like a vanilla relationship, where you are a few years into the relationship, and then the man starts harping with

    "why don't you go down on me like you used to when we were dating'

    'we had sex a lot more back then, you were always hot for me.. now you are too
    tired all the time after you have worked all day'chased the kids around the house
    all day'

relationships evolve, and the intial courting/honeymoom phase is for bonding the couple. then they start real life, where your energy has to go a lot more directions than just to your libido.

and, yes, there is a certain complacency that comes with security.

so, unless you want to only have insecure relationships where that 'hot' phase is fed by the anxiety of loss etc... you have to adjust to a more sedate level of BDSM and/or sexual activity.

this is where you ask yourself: what is more important to you.. being with the right man/woman or being with the right kink?

baby doll

< Message edited by BabyDollVanIsle -- 3/3/2008 11:07:24 AM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 11

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/3/2008 5:08:34 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

It is generally a personality trait, if his personality is changing, leave it be. That isn't yours to change, even if you could. But people only change themselves, there is no such thing as "losing" and "bringing back", that is probably rationalization.

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 12

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/3/2008 5:11:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
It is generally a personality trait, if his personality is changing,

I don't think so at all. PLenty of subs have "dominant personalities" and plenty of doms have "submissive personalities" and I'm not talking switches.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 13

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/3/2008 5:15:44 PM

Lumus

Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
It is generally a personality trait, if his personality is changing,

I don't think so at all. PLenty of subs have "dominant personalities" and plenty of doms have "submissive personalities" and I'm not talking switches.

*relates*

I'm a Daddy who strives to be loving, thoughtful and understanding. Just don't piss me off.

_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/4/2008 7:15:27 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGothAngel
How much is too much for talking? I talk to him nearly everyday about this. He promises to do better and a few days later, back to virtually nothing. Like I said, this is something ongoing for 2 years, working on 3.

It's VERY easy to overdo that part. As some have already mentioned, repeating yourself over and over, will end up in frustration. If it's been years, then it's likely that the same pattern will always repeat, IF you keep doing what you've always been doing.

And honestly, too much talking can cause a defensive reaction. If he is aware of how he's changed (and if you've been reminding him daily for 3 years, he knows) and he feels guilty, then the constant reminder only serves to reinforce that concept of how "bad" of a Dom he is. It's a vicious cycle.

YOU are his. Your service to him to isn't to remind him daily, but to give him a supportive environment. That might change over the years, but your duty to him doesn't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGothAngel
How can you focus on what isn't there anymore? The love part is easy and a given.

I don't act out. I strive to be good. But, I could run wild and amok and he would not blink and eye or said a word about it.

What would that serve?

Here's the thing that I struggle with - how/why do you separate out being a submissive to him versus being something else? Isn't it all intertwined? If you "love" him, then why isn't it easier to serve him, to give him what he needs?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGothAngel
I cannot define what a Dom is to me. It will be different for everyone, yes? Each person has their own views on this. I just know how he used to be on a daily basis and how he is after having time away from the lifestyle.

He admits that his Dom side is buried and does not know how to bring it back out for more than a few days at a time. I want to help him. I want to remain there for him always, and so far I am. I support him, I listen, I care, I love, and I help when the time is needed.

Maybe the issue is for you to define what being a submissive to him is. People evolve. Relationships evolve. What does he need you to be? How does he need you to serve him?

Honestly, it sounds like you are in service to a memory versus serving who he is now. Perhaps it is time to evaluate what you want to submit and serve... a memory or a living, breathing Man whose needs and techniques have changed.

Perhaps instead of the coversation centering around "who he was", perhaps it should center around "who he is now and what he wants now"... and if that relationship isn't something you thought it was, then perhaps your growth and struggle will be to change to what it is now.

NOTE: I freely admit I'm commenting to a one dimensional viewpoint here and as such, my "sound advice" is reflective of only the words YOU'VE used and my impressions/thoughts thereof.

Regards,
EO

_____________________________

Some of my thoughts on Ownership:

http://extremeowner.blogspot.com/

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 15

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/4/2008 7:30:33 AM

LadyGothAngel

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for the replies. Everything said is being considered.

SixFootMaster: We actually tested out the latter suggestion made. That is something that is helping. Thanks.

As for somethings said...

quote:

You do realize that the more you tell him nearly everyday that he isn't dominant enough, that you are killing his drive to dominate you? I can't imagine why he would want to when you are nagging him about it.

Try submitting to him instead. Do things for him without expecting an immediate payback. Make his favorite meals. Kneel at his feet and rub his feet. Stand behind him while he sits and give him a shoulder massage. And do this and more as an outpouring of your love.

quote:

Since we don't have the whole story, thats about all I've got to say on the matter.

Now, I agree here. You don't all know the whole story about me having to talk to him each time. The talking about it was his idea, it was something I was asked to do by him when he started slipping backwards again.

Being his oldself doesn't mean I miss the sexual part, far from it. Hey, don't get me wrong, it is nice... but is NOT the foundation of our relationship -- talking is -- communication. But, as some suggested it might have been too much, but was that my fault when I was asked to do so? No. Should he have said so, if that was it? Yes.

As for submitting, I do that everyday. Don't assume I don't in some way shape or form. Just because I am frustrated with how things are, doesn't mean I don't. Albiet, it may not be always from him. Sometimes, my lovely husband will do it when it is needed badly. Though it is something he cannot do all the time. He has a very demanding job.

But, as for an update: He is doing better and the arrangements sorted out between us are also working well. Unfortunately, this is not a real life situation, so doing things for him (irl) is out of the question at this very moment. I have met and spent time with him several times throughout the years. Though he is expected to be here by the end of the summer, although for his fiancee (who is my RL best friend and sister). So, you see.. talking does do some wonders, sometimes. We still plan to have a D/s relationship, a non-sexual one... neither of us have a problem with that.

But, back on track.. again thank you for all the replies, suggestions, advice, assumptions, and all that. It really was read and considered by us both. We did find a solution, which is why I have not replied recently. So, problem pretty much solved :)

Thank you,
LGA

(Sorry I did not add names with the quotes, but you all know who you are and what was said :)

(in reply to Lumus)

Post #: 16

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/4/2008 7:13:47 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

So you aren't even eachothers primary partners? Sounds like you're expecting a bit more than is reasonable then.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 17

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/4/2008 7:31:09 PM

SixFootMaster

Posts: 829
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

Now there's a Gordian love triangle.

Six.

_____________________________

How-so oft fresh injurious deed
Doth turn Janus' petulant gaze
'pon the rocks and storm rift sea
And littered wood of broken days
disregard for toil shown
no ground broken, no seed sewn.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/4/2008 7:54:29 PM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
It is generally a personality trait, if his personality is changing,

I don't think so at all. PLenty of subs have "dominant personalities" and plenty of doms have "submissive personalities" and I'm not talking switches.

This post of yours just struck a chord with me at the right time. Has this topic been covered on CM yet?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: Bringing Your Dom side back, need help! - 3/5/2008 6:46:38 AM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

One other thing that might help inspire the spark again is going out to one of the clubs if there is one near you. Sometimes just being around others engaged in play can rekindle the hunger.

poenkitten

(in reply to LadyGothAngel)

Post #: 20

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