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Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 7:52:39 AM

sapphirepleasure

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From: Land of Enchantment
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So I get a one line email from someone with a totally blank profile, and no photo. A compliment. I answer briefly, just a thank you and a request for a photo, which he sends, a very attractive one. Then I respond and ask to know more about him since his profile is blank and he gives me his yahoo id and requests that we talk there.

Normally I would exchange a few meaty emails with someone and be fairly certain that we have a fair amount in common before we move to chatting online. But I took a chance and messaged him and we had a nice conversation. Exchange a few more pics (actually, he sent one, a total of two, and I sent probably a dozen to add to the half dozen on my profile).

He asks me to turn my cam on, which I am not inclined to do at the moment, mainly because I'd have to go find it, hook it up and get the lighting right. Just a hassle. So I don't. (Of course, he doesn't even *have* a cam--too risky, he says, in his conservative line of business.)

We continue to chat for a bit and then he asks to talk by phone. Again, I try to beg off. It's getting late, I have stuff to do, etc. Another time.

This is when he tells me that he doubts that I am for real, that I might be a man with a fake profile and pictures. I'm more than a little offended, but I take the bait and agree to call him. Only he doesn't want to give his number. It's a work phone, he says, and he doesn't give it out until he knows someone well. So eventually I cave, give him my number and he calls.

But here's my dilemma. I'm the one taking all the risks here, giving out my number first, being pressured to cam (face only, he says) when he doesn't even have a cam. Sure I understand that maybe he's been jerked around by other people, but this really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Has anyone else had a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it?

Post #: 1

RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 7:57:17 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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Yes, I have been asked for my number been told I ma not real etc etc. I have a very good way of dealing with it, FUCK OFF

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 7:58:22 AM

Justme696

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At least the beginning..to build..up trust...both ways is necessary. As you already worry about it..this went wrong.
You gave enough..so let it be his turn.
On the other side..perhaps he just tells the truth....but then...he should respect your no's too.

trust should be mutual in you want a relation someday

ps(you can ask a picture with date, time..and his name on it?? as proof he is really on it)

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:01:06 AM

beargonewild

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It's not until I get to know a person quite well before I even mention I do own a cam. Even then, I specifically state that I rarely use it, and when I do there will be no crotch shots or cybering. If they don't respect that then I don't bother communicating with that person anymore.

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:03:12 AM

Jeffff

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Yeah it should go both ways. Why be wank fodder for someone who isn't willing to return the favor?

Jeff

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Post #: 5

RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:08:11 AM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
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Yup it should go both ways. I won't move to im until I've actually talked to the person for awhile. Also as soon as someone says I'm fake I just responsed "that's too bad 'cause I'm real. bye" Just listen to yourself and if it feels off just walk away.

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:08:35 AM

SinergyNstrumpet

Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
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He sounds married. I wouldn't have given him the time of day, much less my number. He sounds like a real wanker, or worse.

When I was seeking a mate I ran into this sort of behavior quite frequently, and there were some that sent "tempting" photos of themselves. I consider this a con, and by "con" I am thinking in the classical sense. A confidence game is played by tempting a person by promising them something they truly desire... whether it be love or money... a con panders to our greedy desires... and yes, a pretty face in a photo can be a "con".

As someone that has felt a slight pull of accepting the unacceptable because a photo represented an attractive individual...in the end I remembered that one can only be conned if they allow their desires to control their behavior.

Next time you will not be so easy to talk into anything... he sounds like a cretin

~Sinergy's strumpet~

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:22:37 AM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
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Grab yourself a throwaway cell phone, if you find yourself wanting to go ahead and give out a number, this method means they don't have your home phone until you are comfortable with that. Safety first.

But otherwise, yes, it does need to be a two way street and frankly where everything seems to be flowing one way my immediate suspecion is A) Married or b) Under Age.

poenkitten

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Post #: 8

RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:24:53 AM

akahadaka

Posts: 27
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline

Sapphirepleasure,

Remember that you can always choose what you want to do, at least until you decide to submit to someone.

Under my point of view, if the situation leaves a bad taste in your mouth... then you can do two things: leave him if he makes you uncomfortable (feeling pressure it's not the best way to start a relationship) or talk to him about both of you taking the same amount of "risk". If he agree with it you'll be less pressured and maybe it's a sign of his respect for you too.

I met my Dom by the net and at first he asked me for cam too, when he doesn't have a cam. My answer was NO from the very beginning. Same answer with another little requests: no if we aren't in same condition. This gave me time enough to know him freely, without pressure, just chatting. And of course, to set my own time and to choose when to make the next step without the feeling of being pressured or the feeling of giving too much of me not knowing to who I'm giving myself.
Actually, I like to think that my determination is an aspect of me that my Dom likes :)

But it's only my little experience and my personal way of thinking. I don't know if you want something different from him or not, what do you expect from him and your relationship... I need a lot of time to trust on someone. Maybe you are different...

good luck
akahadaka

Editing cause of my bad spelling. Sorry... I'm not an english speaker :P

< Message edited by akahadaka -- 3/3/2008 8:31:32 AM >

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:26:33 AM

littlelostbunny

Posts: 141
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline

Yes, this happened to me a few times before I grew enough of a spine to put my foot down and say, "No."

On a different site, back when I was new, a couple tried to get me to give them my phone number. I simply didn't reply because of the risks, and they never contacted me again.

People on CM are always asking for my screenname so we can talk elsewhere, and I refuse, saying that I'd rather talk on CM for a while until we get to know each other better. I've been called a fake for that, and I just shake my head and move on.

Recently, a couple tried to get me to cam chat with them. I said no. They asked why, and I lied, saying that my camera was broken. I should've been honest -- I was really uncomfortable with the idea. I think I managed to fend them off by mentioning that I was taken, seeing as they haven't contacted me since.

I hope your situation gets straightened out. Be safe.

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 8:41:50 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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I have nothing much to add really, apart from the fact that if his business is so conservative, why is he giving you his work number?

the.dark.

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 11:20:21 AM

SinergyNstrumpet

Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I have nothing much to add really, apart from the fact that if his business is so conservative, why is he giving you his work number?

the.dark.

It was my understanding that he refused to give her his number because of his conservative job. This was why he told her he would have to call her instead...which it is fairly common to have numbers which cannot be identified by caller ID

~Sinergy's strumpet~

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Post #: 12

RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 11:31:18 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I get that he hadn't given it yet, but to say that after the 'getting to know you' period it was to be a work number and not the home or even a cell/mobile - yet in the same breath say that no cam because work is too conservative - just went 'red' to me. Just an inconsistancy.

the.dark.

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Post #: 13

RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 12:30:05 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

But here's my dilemma. I'm the one taking all the risks here, giving out my number first, being pressured to cam (face only, he says) when he doesn't even have a cam. Sure I understand that maybe he's been jerked around by other people, but this really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Has anyone else had a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it?

I hope you gave him your cell phone number and not your home number. Otherwise, you might as well give him your address and directions to your home. There's a little thing called reverse look-up. By typing in your home phone number, he is given your home address. From there, he can type your address into yahoo directions or mapquest and obtain a map and step by step directions to your home.

Before I had a cell phone, I had lots of guys want to talk on the phone. I would get their cell phone #'s and block my home number when I called (*67). If they insisted on having my number, I would tell them no because I'm a woman and my safety is important to me. If they couldn't understand that, they weren't anyone I needed to be talking to anyway and they were deleted and blocked from my messenger.

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 1:23:04 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I have yet to have anyone ask for my number in a first or even second email (hey! what the heck am I doing wrong???), but I have had plenty give me their number in their very first email contact with me. And none of these are people that I interact with from the forums. WTF are people thinking? That I am just going to call them when we've had no interaction whatsoever?

Cali

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 1:35:49 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

When they use the excuse "in my line of work" or .. "privacy" ... or .. "trust" .. I give it back to them .. with trust ... whats good for the goose .. etc etc

there are plenty of double standards in Ds ... I mean for crying out loud its based on a double standard ...but trust is the only thing in there that has ONE standard.

If it leaves a bad taste in your mouth .. then trust that ... If he is willing to pass up the opportunity of knowing you because of pictures or camming etc .. then let him ... it isn't impossible to talk or cam with relative safety and privacy ... if he cant put that trust in you .. maybe he doesn't value you all that much .. and he bloody should do!

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 1:39:58 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

wow - you are too easy and trusting in giving away your private info

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 1:45:22 PM

bleusparkles

Posts: 168
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline

Wow, I call random people all the time. Doesn't bother me a bit ... Of course, I have a digital number from a different part of the country ...

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RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 2:10:48 PM

Paulsgirl

Posts: 249
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

So I get a one line email from someone with a totally blank profile, and no photo. A compliment. I answer briefly, just a thank you and a request for a photo, which he sends, a very attractive one. Then I respond and ask to know more about him since his profile is blank and he gives me his yahoo id and requests that we talk there.

Normally I would exchange a few meaty emails with someone and be fairly certain that we have a fair amount in common before we move to chatting online. But I took a chance and messaged him and we had a nice conversation. Exchange a few more pics (actually, he sent one, a total of two, and I sent probably a dozen to add to the half dozen on my profile).

He asks me to turn my cam on, which I am not inclined to do at the moment, mainly because I'd have to go find it, hook it up and get the lighting right. Just a hassle. So I don't. (Of course, he doesn't even *have* a cam--too risky, he says, in his conservative line of business.)

We continue to chat for a bit and then he asks to talk by phone. Again, I try to beg off. It's getting late, I have stuff to do, etc. Another time.

This is when he tells me that he doubts that I am for real, that I might be a man with a fake profile and pictures. I'm more than a little offended, but I take the bait and agree to call him. Only he doesn't want to give his number. It's a work phone, he says, and he doesn't give it out until he knows someone well. So eventually I cave, give him my number and he calls.

But here's my dilemma. I'm the one taking all the risks here, giving out my number first, being pressured to cam (face only, he says) when he doesn't even have a cam. Sure I understand that maybe he's been jerked around by other people, but this really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Has anyone else had a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it?

Only you know if you are really real or not..........amd where yor cam is......
...

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~There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~
Anais Nin

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Post #: 19

RE: Shouldn't it go both ways? - 3/3/2008 2:12:07 PM

Paulsgirl

Posts: 249
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bleusparkles

Wow, I call random people all the time. Doesn't bother me a bit ... Of course, I have a digital number from a different part of the country ...

my rule is never fuck within the same post code.....

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Post #: 20

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