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julietsierra -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/4/2008 3:14:00 AM)
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Do you remember a short lived television show called China Beach? I really liked that show. It was about a group of doctors and nurses during a war, only this time, instead of Korea, it was happening during the Vietnam War. Like MASH, all the characters hated being there and did what they could to keep sane until they could come home. Anyway, on the last episode of this show, all of the characters were older and were reuniting in Washington DC for the dedication of the Vietnam Memorial Wall. After the ceremonies, they were sitting on the steps to the Lincoln Memorial reminiscing about their time on China Beach. What I found interesting about their conversation is that they all admitted they hated that they'd been over there and that they'd seen the things they saw. They hated the war. And at the same time, they all admitted that it was only during that time that they felt the most alive they'd felt in their entire lives.
What does this have to do with your post? Well, part of it is kind of an explanation of what we do (I'm speaking for myself in my relationship). I am most alive when I do what I do. I love the intensity. I spent the first 23 years of my adult sexual life hating much of what constituted love-making. I hated all those soft sweet caresses. I hated the gentle touch of my breasts, either with hands or mouth. I thought I was weird. Most of all I thought, "Is this all there is?" It wasn't my husband's fault. He was trying the best way he knew how to make me happy. I just didn't know how to tell him it wasn't right.
When I discovered bdsm, I thought (and told the person ) "You are fucking looney!" But the thoughts held and intrigued me and I started reading things on the internet about it. When my husband and I finally separated, I'd been talking to someone and we decided to meet. I figured I'd check this out and go back to looking for a normal relationship. He didn't know what the heck he was doing. It was probably a toss up as to who was more "green," him or me, but it didn't matter. That man wasn't gentle. His touch was heavy handed. He didn't softly touch breasts, he twisted and tweaked and for the FIRST TIME in my life, I actually felt something. I was amazed. And I was scared. And like another poster, I felt like I'd come home.
After meeting this person I did a lot of thinking. I mean, it was frightening to know that if I chose this life I'd be putting my life in the hands of people I don't know just to get an orgasm. I had all the normal fears, "what if that person is crazy? How can pain be good? How can men do this to women?" In the end, I didn't have the answers to those questions and tried to walk away from it all. But when you consider that for 23 years of my sexual life I'd never really had an orgasm, never really understood what the draw was about sex, only appreciated it for the closeness of it all, never for the sensations of it all, it was really hard to walk away. In the end, I figured out that I couldn't. And so, instead of being afraid of this part of me, I did the only thing I could. I protected myself from myself and I learned as much as I could about what it is I was considering undertaking. What I didn't do is run to where it was safe.
Without attacking you, I'm wondering if perhaps when you figured out that there was a side of you that frightened you, you ran to where it was safe? I'm wondering if you emeshed yourself in vanilla relationships, all the while, rationalizing to yourself that "bdsm just isn't for you" when in reality, you'd essentially opened Pandora's box and had chosen to sit on the lid hoping against hope that this side of you that you had a glimpse of would never come out again.
The funny (and not so funny) thing about discoveries is that once discovered, they really can't be undiscovered. We can choose to ignore them, but the knowledge is still there. My Master says that the scene in The Matrix kind of explains it all. You can take the red pill and become aware of things that you previously didn't ever have a clue about. It'll make your life harder, but you'll be more in touch with the reality of who you are - no matter what that reality is. Or you can take the blue pill and never ever come close to knowing what could be. Life would be easier, but would come without knowledge. Unfortunately for you, like the one character who decided to change his mind, you were made aware and have chosen, for your own reasons (and I'm not saying they're not valid) to in effect, choose the blue pill. Unfortunately, I don't think that character in the movie who chose to stop his knowledge once he'd acquired it ever got the chance to discover if he could forget. I know that for me, I wouldn't be able to forget and at odd times, the thoughts of that side of me would eventually show themselves. I chose to embrace all of me.
It seems to me that the problem now is that you are placing on your once-girlfriend all the blame for the knowledge of yourself that you've tamped down. It seems to me that as you try to find reasons why she just "couldn't accept your love" you are looking for reasons why you can't leave what you discovered behind. I don't believe people can undiscover things. Knowing nothing about you, I think that perhaps you're in a different place, a different time, a different age, and now, instead of frightening you, you're better able to explore those feelings she brought forth in you. Except now, you have more to lose by doing so. So again, you're running, trying to find that safe place where you can get these thoughts out of your head without jeopardizing the relationships you have.
I have no real advice I can give you except perhaps to simply acknowledge the interest and keep talking to your wife. Have you ever told your wife about that long ago relationship and the exploration you've done? It might be (no guarantees) that simply sharing this with her will be enough to move past this angst you're now feeling. Who knows? There might be areas in which you can practice safer aspects of this life with her? Lots of vanilla relationships engage in aspects of bdsm play in their love-making. You might just discover that there are ways to steer clear AND explore some of these feelings without losing the things and people you hold dear.
And I'm just supposing about all of this. I could be completely and totally off-base.
juliet
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