RE: Why bdsm? (Full Version)

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shysub0951 -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/4/2008 8:07:23 PM)

When out in public with my Dom, i am treated like an equal and same goes for when we are at my place, unless we are playing. Than he is the one in charge and i am the one to respond to it. 
  For her, it's how she is "wired", not really something that you can change.



Tavian -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/4/2008 9:04:11 PM)

I'll just color myself lucky that you are all come pretty tolerant, good natured individuals. I have a lot of learning to do and I can't imagine a better group of people to learn from.

Tavian



MaamJay -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/4/2008 9:41:45 PM)

Well Tavian, this has been quite a ride! I find it fascinating that you have now come to the conclusion I postulated for you way back on page 2 [:)] Nice to know My insight genes are still working. Along the way you have managed to upset a few applecarts and have now been busily trying to put the apples back in, but there are a few bruises! Welcome aboard!

Many words have been written about your current relationship, I don't really want to go there. Suffice to say that it might offer sufficient flexibility for you to re-open the door and walk through it with a far more mature mindset than you had 10 years ago. Whether you approach your current wife to be your sub ... or whether you take advantage of the open and poly nature of your marriage to find a sub ... that's not the important part where I am concerned. That's for you to work out as honourably as possible. And bdsm and full on sex don't HAVE to go together ... just as you have had a girlfriend of sorts while deployed ... as in a more romantic and intimate connection but not sexual ... it could be possible to have a sub with whom you are not sexually intimate if that's what would work for you and your wife. Yes it is a sexual kink, but it doesn't always have to go to intercourse. Since you got a glimpse of a dark side that scared you, I would guess that was a sadistic streak. It would be possible to find a masochist with whom to learn how to indulge and control that streak who doesn't necessarily want sex as well. I'm just trying to open your eyes to possibilities here, not trying to moralise as to whether you should or shouldn't have a sexual submissive, ok?

Right now, it's time to read, read, read and learn all you can. While you're in the new sucky camp there won't be a lot else to do will there! While it might be a bit hard to obtain books, there's plenty on the net, though it does take some sifting. I have a reading program I work through with potential subs, if you are interested, email Me on "the other side". Self-education is the best response to the frenzies ... get your knowledge of what it is that we do up to scratch. Then you might be able to get your head around how it can be an expression of love and received as such. Omega and julia really gave excellent descriptions of how "traditional love" doesn't suit and in fact speaks more of the selfishness rather than the selflessness. Read and reread those!

OK I'm going out on a bit of limb here. Knowing now that you are military, I am wondering if this isn't why you have such a fear of that dark side of yourself. Is it because you know you have been trained to kill, trained to be cold and devoid of emotion about the enemy ... do you fear that tapping into the sadistic side will flick you over into the "killing zone" for want of a better term? Not being involved in the military or knowing someone particularly well who has and who is into bdsm, I really can't answer My own questions. But I know there are many on the boards who have military involvement ... perhaps one or more of those would comment on this. If it doesn't happen in this thread and you feel this is a valid question to explore ... start another thread. My instinct is that a consensual bdsm relationship should be entirely disconnected ... but I can't be sure that it would be and I can't offer a way to ensure that. So I would be interested in reading responses too!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



ShellyD -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 2:33:50 AM)

I may have lost the plot......but has Seraphym turned into Lord Tavian and then into Tavian???  I don't have an issue as identity is in a name and Tavian certainly seems a little more open to ideas, but, I am confused.



Justme696 -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 2:39:05 AM)

quote:

Why can some not relate to the "traditional" idea of love? Why bdsm?


because I am free in my choice (and traditional is not excluded...or hard limit )



Tavian -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 5:28:51 AM)

quote:

I may have lost the plot......but has Seraphym turned into Lord Tavian and then into Tavian??? I don't have an issue as identity is in a name and Tavian certainly seems a little more open to ideas, but, I am confused.



I like to keep people on their toes. Seriously though, Tavian was a name given to me long ago and I wanted to bring it back into use. However, the title "Lord" was a bit presumtuous at this point in time. So, I am simply Tavian until such time as I might become someone's lord.



colouredin -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 5:29:53 AM)

Gosh didnt half seem like confuzzled identity for a while there. Hope you keep it as you are now. 



TracyTaken -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 5:33:35 AM)

I like it.  It seems friendlier and more approachable.



colouredin -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 5:34:53 AM)

New bit of advice, actually fill out your profile, say about who you are etc, have a look at other peoples profiles and see the kinds of things that people write and that, and be honest!

Opps that was to tavian not tracy, rush to write :D



Tavian -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 5:40:13 AM)

quote:

OK I'm going out on a bit of limb here. Knowing now that you are military, I am wondering if this isn't why you have such a fear of that dark side of yourself. Is it because you know you have been trained to kill, trained to be cold and devoid of emotion about the enemy ... do you fear that tapping into the sadistic side will flick you over into the "killing zone" for want of a better term? Not being involved in the military or knowing someone particularly well who has and who is into bdsm, I really can't answer My own questions. But I know there are many on the boards who have military involvement ... perhaps one or more of those would comment on this. If it doesn't happen in this thread and you feel this is a valid question to explore ... start another thread. My instinct is that a consensual bdsm relationship should be entirely disconnected ... but I can't be sure that it would be and I can't offer a way to ensure that. So I would be interested in reading responses too!
 

This is not the case here. I parted ways with the lifestyle when my former wife left and it was almost a year and a half later that I joined the military. I don't believe it was fear that made me leave. It was two other things. Once, I thought it was an unhealthy abberation, and two, I no longer had a partner/teacher.

Commenting on the first, I come to believe that it was an unhealthy aberration specifically because of who I learned from. She was not an emotionally healthy person and so I believed that her penchant for bdsm was a result of emotional issues on her part. That in great part turned me off to the idea that bdsm could be considered anything other than harmful, self destructive, and self loathing behavior. But I am open to learning.

I am not sure if my assessment of her was necessarily correct or if it was seen though biased eyes. Perhaps it was both. But I want to know if perhaps it is not an unhealthy behavior set and that perhaps I am not wrong for having enjoyed it.

I am not sure if I can be more honest than that.



branbran77 -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 9:56:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

Ok. Let me start by saying that I am not in the bdsm lifestyle. I am seeking closure in my life and I am hopeing that I can get it here. Illl apologize now if I speak badly. I mean to disrespect to any of you. If I speak poorly please understand that it is out of ignorance, not malice or spite.

Many years ago I met someone who tried to involve me in the bdsm lifestyle. It wasn't for me. I got some insights into my charactor and I realized that I am capable of  greater cruelty than I ever hoped to be, but in the end I could not reconcile love with dominance, affection with cruelty. She walked away to be with others who would dominate her.

It has been a thorn in my heart for a very, very long time. Hell, my heart still breaks for our lost love. I usually don't think about it because when I do I still get choked up.

Can someone please help me understand why she would rather be dominated than treated as an equal? Why she would choose humiliation instead of adoration? Why pain, when I offered her affection?

Why can some not relate to the "traditional" idea of love? Why bdsm?



My "traditional" Love broke my heart...he lied...he stole...and he cheated...My Daddy....He dominates me...and he adors me....he never gives me pain i dont want...he gives me pain i crave...He has never lied to me and has never taken anything from me that i didnt want to give.....And although he might demand things the level of my submission is always on my terms....Iv suffered way more pain with "traditional" love then iv ever have whith bdsm



Tavian -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 10:13:30 AM)

I love Amazon. I just ordered "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" and "Different Loving". Thanks for your advice so far.



Tavian -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 10:18:59 AM)

quote:

My "traditional" Love broke my heart...he lied...he stole...and he cheated...My Daddy....He dominates me...and he adors me....he never gives me pain i dont want...he gives me pain i crave...He has never lied to me and has never taken anything from me that i didnt want to give.....And although he might demand things the level of my submission is always on my terms....Iv suffered way more pain with "traditional" love then iv ever have whith bdsm


Thank you for sharing your experience and insight! I am glad that you are happy. That seems to be pervasive theme here. Most all of you claim to be happier now that you are involved in this lifestyle than you ever were in a "traditional" relationship.



MisPandora -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 11:56:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HalfShyHalfWild

quote:

ORIGINAL: LordTavian

Damn, I have been a whiny little bastard. Thank you  all for giving me a kick in the seat of the pants. I needed that. And DesFIP provoked me enough so I remembered who I used to be. No thanks for that. You ever talk to me like that again and I will put you back into your place...again.



Bullying and flexing cyber muscles doesn't make a Dominant. I've got a few other descriptive words of what it implies though.


Yep, and it also shows the psychological balance of the individual in question. 

The OP has told us he's not into BDSM, and then he's suddenly a Lord in Teh Hauz of Teh Kwazy.

He's posted under two names, um, make that three.

Shoved his crisis at total strangers when he could have done the internal work himself.

Snapping at people because they're calling him on all of this stuff?

Anyone else find this all........um, creeeeee-py. 

*leaves out urinal-puck sized cakes of lithium and refills the bottles in the automatic Haldol dispensing system in the forums*

and edited because I missed the lolz on the other 2 pages of posts!



MisPandora -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 12:03:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Question, just cos this is a car crash to me now

You have a girlfriend there? even though your "wife is the only one to have lovers" ?????????


Hot damn, pass the popcorn and hand grenades.  This is getting gooooooooooooooood!



colouredin -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 12:03:57 PM)

lol it was reeeeeeallllllllllly good, but its got boring and died down now :(



Tavian -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 12:29:00 PM)

You all complained vociferously that I was acting like a raving madman when I was raving like a madman...but now that I have taken my thorazine you all are now complaining that the thread has gotten boring. Is there nothing that will satisfy you?

All kidding aside, when I first joined up here I did so under less than ideal circumstances. I honestly WAS in an emotional frenzy because I had discovered that my former wife was a member here. That was not a pleasant shock. But now the shock has worn off. and I am back to my normal self.

And I am learning about myself more as well. That learning is leading to more questions. I can understand the dom side of the house having experienced it to a slight degree. I am still not sure that I understand the sub side of the equation though. I cannot grasp yet, how some find pain and submission to be not only pleasurable..but preferable.

Is it important to be able to understand why person "A" prefers submission and masochism? Or is it simply enough that they do and that I can give them what they so desperately need and want?



colouredin -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 12:31:58 PM)

Respecting it is very important! and some of it is just chemistry, pain = endorphins = happiness :D
I have asked Sir why he is Dom and he answered candidly so i understand what he percieves his motivations to be even though I wouldnt want to do it.



subtee -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 12:34:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tavian

And I am learning about myself more as well. That learning is leading to more questions. I can understand the dom side of the house having experienced it to a slight degree. I am still not sure that I understand the sub side of the equation though. I cannot grasp yet, how some find pain and submission to be not only pleasurable..but preferable.

Is it important to be able to understand why person "A" prefers submission and masochism? Or is it simply enough that they do and that I can give them what they so desperately need and want?



May I suggest you don't worry about reactions--they're not really personal as no one really knows you.

I understand your above statements. I can't begin to understand the drive to dominate another or to express dominance in a relationship. I find it interesting and I like to ask questions about it because I can't really get my head around it. I don't think you have to understand submission or masochism, except to the extent that it may/will improve you as a Dom. It seems to me the most important thing to try to understand is your ultimate submissive(s), their drives and desires and how they then mesh with the pleasing of you. Like that.



domiguy -> RE: Why bdsm? (3/5/2008 12:40:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim
Why bdsm?


Because I keep falling asleep while having vanilla sex.
 
That may sound like a sarcastic answer, but it isn't. For some, once you have tasted "forbidden fruit," you can't go back. 


Are you sure it wasn't the alcohol?


Anywhoooo...To the op...It was probably a way for her to get rid of you without hurting your feelings. I once went out with this "housewife from New Jersey" It was a blind date and instead of telling her that she was really gross I told her that I was a Muslim....She screamed and ran out of the bar. It just seemed easier than confronting her with the truth.



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