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RE: NO - 3/7/2008 8:46:26 AM

celticlord2112

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quote:

What is your number one reason for saying no to your Dom when it comes to sexual acts within a well established long term relationship with no end in sight?

I know that subs are not suppose to use that word...

Slaves are supposed to use that word--when it is appropriate.

My slave does not often refuse me her flesh, but from time to time she is not feeling well, or life's little doses of chaos have left her in the wrong headspace. Life happens, and we deal.

Slaves are humans first and foremost. They have feelings, and they have issues, just like dominants. In my experience, allowing them their humanity builds a stronger relationship for all concerned.

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Post #: 41

RE: NO - 3/7/2008 9:11:42 AM

tsatske

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Well, as Prolific Needs said, I certainly use the word 'No' as a part of the English language. I also tend to say 'No', mantra like, when I'm coming, or when I am reaching my limit in pain play, whatever. But I think you meant 'No' as an actual, acting upon answer to my Master, and I just don't do that.
He has required of me things that were hard limits for me before him. I hesitated, then I had to weigh what I wanted most - this limit, or the fact that I have never told him no? That is special to me, I feel simply lucky to have been in a place where that could be created. I don't safeword. I do sometimes say 'Hell no!' when he is checking on me, to see if I am okay when we are playing hard, when he asks if I wish to stop. rather he stops or not has little to do with my answer (Hell no or otherwise) and just about everything to do with how he gauges me during my answer.
I can't imagine ever saying no to him. But I do firmly believe that every sub, slave and human being has a 'Big Red NO' button hidden deep inside them. If you hit the button, you will get a no from the most dedicated slave. Everyone's Big Red NO button is different. I just feel pretty much in tune with what it would take to set mine off, and I can't imagine Master doing any of those things. If you asked me to hurt my own children (Even though they are adults now. And I don't necessarily mean physical hurt. If you asked me to abandon them or not do what I think they needed of me.) If you asked me to drink (I am an alcoholic with more than 20 years of sobriety. When I tell you I like to make my little trips to Hell, that is not the neighborhood I wish to visit. Been there, done that.) But anything, even those things, will get conversation first. There are things that are a truly bad idea that I would still do if Master insisted, even after I told him that I think its a truly bad idea. I am his, that does include my health and well being, and I trust him with it.

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Post #: 42

RE: NO - 3/7/2008 9:48:02 AM

Sub03

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Well, I can't speak for long term lifetime Ds relationships, because all of my Ds relationships have been relatively short-term. But I've never said no yet, whether the act was sexual or something else. That doesn't make me sublier than thou, it just means that I'm willing to do things that I don't think I'm ready to do, and willing to do things that feel risky or uncomfortable. The biggest reason why I can't say no is because I don't feel like I'm submitting wholly if I pick and choose. Another reason is that saying 'no' is more uncomfortable to me than whatever the act is that I don't want to do. I also feel like there's just no other way to do this than to commit (when it feels right, of course) to putting myself and my control in someone else's hands, both mentally and physically. I can't do it half way, with one foot in, and the other foot firmly positioned on safe terrain. There really is no safe terrain anyway. There's no safety net beneath us, and you just might end up getting hurt---that's part of a thrill that sometimes becomes the knife that cuts you open later on, but it's a chance that I personally have to take. I've given it to the wrong person more than once, and sometimes I've had regrets, but in the end not as big a regret as I would have had, had I not given 100%. And I can't imagine this being any different if it was with someone I was with long term. This is just the way it feels for *me*, I don't claim it should be this way for everyone.

What she said. Also me and my Master have such similiar tastes in what we like and have talked over so much of what we each like that I don't think I will ever be put into a situation where I would feel the need to say no.

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Post #: 43

RE: NO - 3/7/2008 1:08:01 PM

FRSguy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

What is your number one reason for saying no to your Dom when it comes to sexual acts within a well established long term relationship with no end in sight?

I know that subs are not suppose to use that word...

Slaves are supposed to use that word--when it is appropriate.

My slave does not often refuse me her flesh, but from time to time she is not feeling well, or life's little doses of chaos have left her in the wrong headspace. Life happens, and we deal.

Slaves are humans first and foremost. They have feelings, and they have issues, just like dominants. In my experience, allowing them their humanity builds a stronger relationship for all concerned.

Yes you are right and I personaly would stay away from subs / slaves that didnt have the ability to say no so to speak. The question it not to imply or assumes that someone is in a non abusive relationship. Like if someone was saying no all the time because lines were allways being crossed... I really wouldnt mean that to count so to speak. The question it more to kind of probe the dynamics of other relationships to compare to my own. My sub is from a fairly strict very "proper" type of background and uses the word No all the time however she loves the D/S and the kink and says she could never go back to being vanilla however.... everything allways starts with the word NO and I have to kind of take the responsibility off from her so to speak before we begin... its not in any way abusive of course ... its just damn anoying if that makes any sense. A lot of the posts on this has really been very good and I am kind of surprised to see that when weighing in so to speak.... I think I am in the right head space concerning it. I can truly tell by these responses that I am not crossing any lines so to speak. Since becoming a Dom I have kind of a fear thats tucked way down about becoming an abusive person without knowing it.... kind of hard to explain.

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Post #: 44

RE: NO - 3/7/2008 1:30:59 PM

celticlord2112

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quote:

Since becoming a Dom I have kind of a fear thats tucked way down about becoming an abusive person without knowing it.... kind of hard to explain.

You explain it quite well. It is a concern, and should be a concern. Whenever one presumes to rule he is challenged to rule well. When he rules badly.....abuse is one outcome.

In my experience, so long as you proceed from a basic posture of respect, and from a firm bedrock of principle, abuse is a most unlikely outcome.

Don't fear--rule.

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Post #: 45

RE: NO - 3/7/2008 1:32:48 PM

Leatherist

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I think it's probably easier to just accept that some people will say no to things you like-and just not get into relationships that will frustrate one.

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Post #: 46

RE: NO - 3/7/2008 1:34:58 PM

FRSguy

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Actually she loves everything I do and she actually shocks me a lot when it comes to her intensity. The no is something that even she does not like.

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Post #: 47

RE: NO - 3/9/2008 4:26:06 AM

slavesunshine

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Every relationship is different when it comes to D/s and M/s. Before entering into the relationship expectations should be discussed and if it is agreed upon then then, a sub or slave should not say no to her Master or Dom.
But, if there is an understanding that she may say no then it should not become an issue. Its all a matter of communication.

For me, I am not allowed to tell my Master no. If I do not agree with something we do talk about it. I am allowed to express thoughts and feelings to him. He encourages me too. I always do as I am told or requested to do. I cannot imagine ever saying no to him. Also, my Master would never ask or tell me to do something that would ever harm me or cause consequences. I trust him completley.

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Post #: 48

RE: NO - 3/9/2008 4:03:02 PM

shysub0951

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When my Dom and i are playing, he has a sense to read my body language and stop right then and there and ask if i'm ok. i don't neccessarily have to say the word no, but certain hand gestures between him and i work the same way.

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Post #: 49

RE: NO - 3/9/2008 4:30:00 PM

xoxi

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FR

The only time I say "no" is if I feel like being forced.

I don't tell my Master "no" but that doesn't mean there aren't things I'm uncomfortable with. In that situation though I don't say "you can't do this because of xyz" because I don't have that control in our relationship. What I will say however is "I don't feel comfortable doing this because of xyz" or "this brings up bad memories/feelings for me because of xyz in my past" or something like that...I can certainly inform him about what sort of effect the actions will have. But after that it is up to him whether he feels it's completely off limits, or something that he feels he will be able to work me through.

Knowing my Master pretty well, I can safely say I don't think he would do anything that will damage me psychologically. For example he has never once called me a slut, because he knows that it makes me feel awful and that I will start to shut down sexually in order to prove to myself I'm not a slut and he doesn't think that is healthy. He's used the word before with other girls, and he uses other words on me that have various effects on my psyche, but because of the information I gave him he chooses not to use 'slut' with me.

In my mind that's entirely different than if I said "if you want to be with me you can't call me a slut" - I don't want to be an equal partner who submits...I want to be his slave, owned fully. Obvioulsy this is just my perspective on my own relationship - don't assume I'm saying it will apply for everyone. But personally I have no desire to tell my Master what he can or can't do to me.

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Post #: 50

RE: NO - 3/10/2008 8:18:51 PM

LPslittleclip

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I'm in a poly relationship and as i have a wife and my M'Lady there has to be some house rules, so as not to upset any part of the relationships. the first is from my wife and no vaginal penetration( thats hers) the rest is OK with her. with M'Lady there are teens in the house so no play while there home, for M'Ladys husband no play without him present or at least prearranged. i trust my M'Lady and she knows the limits, so if you can do the same with yours then you will be all set. now some limits are soft limits and others are a hard limit. with me bull whips are out as i have PTSD and its not good to have me startled like that, sounds like gun fire up close. so be open and frank with your M/D/T and build trust with them. after all its them who we are pleasing now isn't it?

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RE: NO - 3/10/2008 8:46:50 PM

patwi

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I'm not in a relationship where this question really applies, at the moment, because the man I'm with is overseas. That said, I can think of numerous reasons why I'd say no. I guess it makes me less of a sub to admit it, but if he wanted to do something which entirely sickened me, I'd say no. Or if I'd end up very painfully hurt, broken, damaged mentally or physically I'd say no. If he wanted to take me to a country western music concert, I'd say NO!