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Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:00:39 PM   
RainGod


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline 		My profile on collarme doesn't have a picture. This isn't because I am ugly, or ashamed of My looks. It is more because I am afraid someone in the small town I live in might see it, and I would suffer severe problems due to My lifestyle. It could result in a loss of employment and God only knows what else.

So, anyway, I was asked in an email why I didn't have a pic on My profile and I explained this to the slave who mailed Me. she replied with this, and I quote from the email:

quote:

WTF?? youre fucking paranoid! if I see the Gestapo i think I will report you! Do the world a favor and grow up!


So My question is this: Am I too paranoid? Do any of You feel the same need for discretion online? I do have pics and I do share them after we talk a little bit, but am I being overly cautious?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:08:58 PM   
girl4you2


Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

My profile on collarme doesn't have a picture. This isn't because I am ugly, or ashamed of My looks. It is more because I am afraid someone in the small town I live in might see it, and I would suffer severe problems due to My lifestyle. It could result in a loss of employment and God only knows what else.

So, anyway, I was asked in an email why I didn't have a pic on My profile and I explained this to the slave who mailed Me. she replied with this, and I quote from the email:

quote:

WTF?? youre fucking paranoid! if I see the Gestapo i think I will report you! Do the world a favor and grow up!


So My question is this: Am I too paranoid? Do any of You feel the same need for discretion online? I do have pics and I do share them after we talk a little bit, but am I being overly cautious?


wow; frankly i'm quite stunned at that email. it's thoughtless, rude, mean, and crude. while discretion is an issue for many of us (myself included, even though i've bared a bit about myself here), it isn't something one should be called paranoid for. when you feel comfortable with someone, there is time then to exchange phone numbers and a photograph, just as you mentioned. we all have to go with what feels right for each person.

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:09:22 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think that keeping a pic for people that you've gotten to know & trust is strange.

Those that are very out in their lives still lie to the parents about what their collar REALLY symbolizes other than a really great piece of jewelry they refuse to take off. (before the flames start I do respect collars & those that wear them...you know where I'm coming from)

I think that this kind of answer from someone that apparently came to you (vs you seek them out) shows you what they are REALLY about. Would you honestly be interested in someone that would behave this way? Hit the block button & move on.

(in reply to RainGod)
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RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:17:41 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		LOL at least it made me laugh.

Are you being paranoid? No.

Are you being overcautious? Perhaps.

Are you doing what feels good and best for you in a way that doesn't interfere with the functioning of your life or others? Yes.

I don't feel the need for discretion because I'm young, no kids, out to all my friends and some of my family already and love showing off. Other people however have a lot more to lose, a lot more to be concerned about and a lot more issues to deal with. I respect it. If others don't respect your choices, that's really their problem.

(in reply to RainGod)
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RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:18:57 PM   
Nuke718


Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		RainGod, the person you were talking to was at best rude, at worst EXACTLY the kind of person that makes people not put pictures up.

Call it careful or call it paranoid, people have a lot of reasons (some very good) why they don't put up pictures. The bottom line is if you are not comfortable posting a pic, do not let anyone bully you into it (K, now I sound like my Mom, jeesh).

Nuke }:-

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:28:25 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		Wow, well at least you know one sub you won't have to bother talking to :)

No, I don't think it's remotely "paranoid". You have to do what you're comfortable with, there are many folks who don't realize just how completely indestructable and ever-more accessible electronic records are.

Don't doubt for an instant that in 10 years or so we'll be able to search online for any pictures containing a certain person, and Google2015 will recognize your facial features as easily as it recognizes an english word today.

I would think the explanation "I live in a small town" would be enough for anyone remotely familiar with online meeting sites, particularly ones for "unacceptable" interests.

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:30:26 PM   
Tempestspet


Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline 		I think you are doing what's right for you. Never mind people who are rude enough to send that kind of e-mail.

Though, on the flip side.... if you were recognized on a "site like this" I would have to wonder, and ask, how did they find it then, and why where they on the site? ...Doing the same thing you are doing. Seem to me, they have as much to lose as anyone, suspicion would lie on them as well.

Please don't take offense, I still believe whole heartedly that if you are comfortable putting up your picture, then absolutely don't do it.

Just my thoughts...
tempest's pet
jennifer

(in reply to Nuke718)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:30:46 PM   
Sartoris32801


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		Paranoid?
Ask her if she will replace your salary, home or other assets that have taken you years to aquire. I know people who have lost jobs, been hauled into family court.... over their choice
I feel exactly the same way. I respect and admire the people here that are able and willing to "come out" I hope they can understand and respect my need for privacy.
I will send a picture once the communication is to the point that I feel that there is some connection or capability. And I am more than willing tol meet for a drink, lunch, dinner with the understanding that either party walks away no questions asked.
It is quite possible that this twit who responded to you uses a picture that is not theirs, has no real interest other than curiousity or sex and or my be a minor, or of the opposite sex than they claim.
As a side I once met a woman for dinner, that used a picture 20 some years old.
It was a horrible waste of time.

Good luck

Sartoris

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:48:51 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Don't worry about one persons opinions.
Worry about yourself and your opinion.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 1:53:50 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod
So My question is this: Am I too paranoid? Do any of You feel the same need for discretion online? I do have pics and I do share them after we talk a little bit, but am I being overly cautious?[/size][/color]


Short tale. Jack McGeorge is a well-respected expert in bio-chem weapons and warfare. He was hired by the UN to check out the situation in Iraq.

Because the White House wanted to discredit the inspectors because the White House knew full well there was nothing to find and because they had built their war plans on claiming the WMDs existed, a "confidential source" found out about Jack's BDSM activities including a picture on the Black Rose website and leaked that to the Washington Post. The implication was that the inspection teams were a bunch of incompetent perverts.

Now, that is an extreme example; you probably aren't being checked out by the FBI in the hopes of finding dirty linen, but it might happen.

It all boils down to this: we take the level of risk we are comfortable with. Of course, the more of us who chose to stay in the closet the easier it is for the Right Wing to attack us as a group and as individuals who "get caught." It was only after Stonewall, when hiding in the closet was rejected by the gay community that they started getting a little respect.

In short, it's a two edged sword


_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to RainGod)
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RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 2:04:27 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

WTF?? youre fucking paranoid! if I see the Gestapo i think I will report you! Do the world a favor and grow up!

So My question is this: Am I too paranoid? Do any of You feel the same need for discretion online? I do have pics and I do share them after we talk a little bit, but am I being overly cautious?
I don't believe you are paranoid or even overly cautious for wanting to get a better feel for whom you are chatting/talking to before sharing photographs.

I will say in defense of nasty/hypersensitive respondant to you that a LOT of people (men in my case) hide behind need for anonymity to lie about their availability, appearance, and goals, and so that may be the reason she responded so inappropriately.
I tend to have some patience about photos with people who behave appropriately, and respectfully, but I do get annoyed with excessive paranoia or the inherent self importance of someone who thinks that emailing me a simple dressed picture of himself would somehow cause the world (or his world) to end. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 2:22:02 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I have to question who wrote first, what was said and so on. Yea the reply was rude.
There've been a time or two that I'm guilty of such a responce, BUT usually if I
respond in such a way it comes from the orginial note that was sent to me.
A one liner, or the person didnt bother to read my profile at all.
Never, Ever have I began contact with another in that manner.
I use a pic, well ok, half a pic........ shrug
I live in a small town too. The way I see it, if someone finds me
and wishes to make a stink, my question is what were they doing
in the site themself? hummm, throwing stones in a glass house.
I dont think so........

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 2:35:20 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Really, you never know. We like to think that world is behind us, but it's not. The whole Novak-Plame affair continues to rage; I guess she's lucky she was just a spy, not a dungeon sub.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

Now, that is an extreme example; you probably aren't being checked out by the FBI in the hopes of finding dirty linen, but it might happen.


(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 3:03:32 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

quote:

WTF?? youre fucking paranoid! if I see the Gestapo i think I will report you! Do the world a favor and grow up!


So My question is this: Am I too paranoid? Do any of You feel the same need for discretion online? I do have pics and I do share them after we talk a little bit, but am I being overly cautious?


Simple answer is No you were being cautious. I understand small town mentality and believe me its the same here. You stick to your guns mate and dont let anyone disuade you from personal security.

I agree with a Psychologist collegue who tells his patients that it is healthy to have One personal Paranoia at a time as long as you know and recognise it for what it is and not let it take control. A bit like pain and fear are good in dangerous situations, they tell you that you are alive and help you survive.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 3:57:47 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I tend to have some patience about photos with people who behave appropriately, and respectfully, but I do get annoyed with excessive paranoia or the inherent self importance of someone who thinks that emailing me a simple dressed picture of himself would somehow cause the world (or his world) to end.


The difference in this statement is the voluntary giving of a pic to someone that you've at least had minimal contact with not HOW DARE YOU in an innapropriate manner from a relative stranger.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 4:01:14 PM   
NYMaster101


Posts: 107
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think you are too paranoid. There are many good reasons not to post a photo- and yours is one of them. That sub bitch is way out of line.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 4:03:59 PM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

So My question is this: Am I too paranoid? Do any of You feel the same need for discretion online? I do have pics and I do share them after we talk a little bit, but am I being overly cautious?


While I am "out" to family and friends, I too enjoy discretion with others. Some sites, I have a photo, and some I don't.

My biggest problem, with my personal photo posted, is that there are too many weirdos out there, and I have been stalked in real life (although vanilla), and I have been bothered over and over again by men that felt too familiar with me, just because they were able to put the name to the face from my photo online.

I just want to say, that while I also save the face photo for after the get acquainted period of time online, sending it then does not guarantee your safety, or your privacy. Whether it's posted, or sent via e-mail, you are still exposing yourself to the forces that prevent you from posting it in the first place.

Saving the photo, and sending it later, is really a false sense of security.
K

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 5:29:07 PM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

My profile on collarme doesn't have a picture. This isn't because I am ugly, or ashamed of My looks. It is more because I am afraid someone in the small town I live in might see it, and I would suffer severe problems due to My lifestyle. It could result in a loss of employment and God only knows what else.

So, anyway, I was asked in an email why I didn't have a pic on My profile and I explained this to the slave who mailed Me. she replied with this, and I quote from the email:

quote:

WTF?? youre fucking paranoid! if I see the Gestapo i think I will report you! Do the world a favor and grow up!


So My question is this: Am I too paranoid? Do any of You feel the same need for discretion online? I do have pics and I do share them after we talk a little bit, but am I being overly cautious?



Have a good friend over here who was outed he lost his job, and nearly his sanity. He sued for unfair dismissal, lost, as his was a civil service job, and he is now taking it to the Europeon Court. So far it has taken up about 5 or 6 years. Paranoid no only you know what the ramifications could be, as for me I couldn't give a rats arse who knows and if my employers dont like it they know where they can put thier job.

< Message edited by WickedKev -- 9/23/2005 5:31:01 PM >

(in reply to RainGod)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 5:48:25 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		OMG....I just realized my picture is showing up here. If my Kinky boss sees it, I too may be fired?
Fuck it, I can always find another job
even if it's just a blowjob

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to WickedKev)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Being "outed" in the vanilla world - 9/23/2005 6:06:28 PM   
PerhapsitsFate


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/30/2004
Status: offline 		I worked in a small tourist town a years ago when i discovered the "wonderful world" that was Alt. I was quite active on that site, and had several pics up. I never even thought anything about it... UNTIL... *dum dum dum(omnious music)* i was walking across the parking lot of a convenience store after work and i crossed paths with another local guy (whom i wasn't particularly fond of to begin with). Being the sweet girl i am, i nodded and said hello, he also said hello, and when i was about 3 steps past him, he said the screen name i used on that site exclusively. It stopped me dead in my tracks, and i whirled around and looked at him and gathered all my self composure and said, "i know you are pointing it out to embarrass me, but, i honestly could care less... cause what the heck were you doing there anyway? i'm sure you didn't just 'happen to stumble upon the site, and then just 'accidentally' do a search for fem submissives in NE GA. So grow up!" i spun on my heel and walked away. A few months later he admitted that he did it for shock value, and has since interrogated me about my involvement in BDSM. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life when i bumped into him in this little tiny store, where he was loudly telling me of his woes of the difficulty of finding a fem sub in this area... and of course... always inquiring to my current status... *gags*

My darling lil sis decided to out me to the family one beautiful Christmas. She gave me a bumper sticker for the car with Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Whips and Chains Excite Me... in front of the entire family. ahhh... memories!!

(in reply to fastlane)
Profile   Post #: 20
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