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RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:24:16 AM   
BabyDollVanIsle


Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline 		hi veexen,

i also felt instantly comfortable with the first Dom i met. and also had many paranoid moments and moments of doubts.

but each week we work through more issues and trust more (on both sides.. we both have trust issues from past life experiences) and are progressing towards our goal of a 24/7 live in M/s Domestic Discipline relationship.

HOWEVER... i did a lot of interacting online, had made plans to meet quite a few Dom's before i met him.. but in those cases, over the several weeks to a month of online and sometimes phone conversations, things came out that made me uncomfortable and made me realize they weren't the Dom for me. People can't hide their basic nature forever, so over time they will reveal themselves. so much better to find out online before you meet if they don't have good basic character or otherwise aren't suitable.

my Dom was the first one that i could see immediately was different, and completely trustable.. and it was clear almost immediately.

you don't give any details about what your Dom did that made you feel insecure about things... it is hard for people to give feedback here without a better explanation of the situation.

i understand about not trusting your feelings.

you are having conflicting feelings in both directions.. feelings that he is a good person and you can trust him, and also feelings and fears in the opposite direction.

you are right, you can't completely trust your feelings. it is hard to sort out what is a good gut instinct, and what is insecurity and fear from the past getting in the way of what can be a good thing for you.

the only way to resolve this is to keep an open mind, and get more information by spending time with this person. over time, it will be come clear.

as you say: "He's been nothing but respectful and kind so far. "

i suspect you are voting with your feet, because on some level you know this fellow is a good person for you. that is why you are still seeing him, why you have left 'under consideration' on your profile.

sometimes you can be lucky and meet someone sincere and wonderful early in the lifestyle. i met my Dom 6 months after i told my husband (more accurate title would be bad roommate/irresponsible kid brother) i was seeking a new relationship and started looking, and 2 and a half months after i discovered i was submissive. my Dom is the first Dom i met in the flesh with the intention of submitting to, rather than meeting someone at a BDSM event for exposure to the lifestyle.

as greeneyeddreamer has suggested, you need to communicate with your Dom. let him know your fears and concerns, and see how he handles it. he doesn't have to handle it perfectly, just sincerely and with concern.



(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:25:37 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		No I have met him - spent quite a bit of time together already - not even I would get so hung up on someone I hadn't met!

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:28:56 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		I am voting with my feet - I'm staying and I'm going to talk to him about it.  He's a pretty good idea already of how insecure I am so it may not come as too much of a surprise.  Time will tell, and if it doesn't work out then I will still have learnt lessons that will help me next time round.

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:30:52 AM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		I second your great advice about taking a break from relationships. I jumped from one marriage/relationship to another from the age of 22 until I was 48 and was tired of wondering why things never worked out for more than a few years.

I realized that I had not taken time out to figure out who I was and what I really needed to make me happy. Until I knew the answers I could not possibly enter into another relationship and expect to make it work. I took 3 years for myself, perhaps going out on 4 dates, and I finally came to know that I could live alone and be happy. Now that I've had my "me" time I know that I'm not interested in living with or being married to someone again.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:32:20 AM   
SubbieOnWheels


Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		OK - you've been here for a week and already think you've found The One. That's great, but it's moving a bit quickly, isn't it?

How soon after making first contact did he tell you to say you're "under consideration"? That seems a bit strange to me. It has happened to me, and I felt strange doing it. And my rule of thumb is, "If it feels strange, maybe it isn't right." Fortunately I have woken up and smelled the coffee before things went too far.

Your case may be entirely different - but trust your instincts. It's not for nothing they're called "women's intuition." They are designed to keep us out of trouble.

_____________________________

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Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
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(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:38:35 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Veexen

I am totally honest and upfront so find it hard to recognise when someone isn't.  Now I'm thinking that I've just been played with again.  That makes it twice I've been taken in - and I am seriously doubting my ability to judge - and don't know how to go forward from here.  I'm feeling very vulnerable and am not sure how I can protect myself.  Any advice will be gratefully listened to.  Didn't mean to be so long-winded!



It might help to keep in mind that the most cynical and suspicious organizations on the planet: the spy agencies, are infiltrated by moles.

Even they have no fool-proof method for detecting sincerity from fakery.

So don't feel bad that you, with your limited resources, aren't having better luck.

We all get fooled, from both sides of the D/s continuum.

The trick is to stay your course and not let the fakes dissuade you from pursuing your dreams.

The only people you'll hurt are you and the one you seek.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 10:51:22 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		I've just spoken to him and told him how I've been feeling and as bad as I've been feeling the past couple of hours I'm now feeling great again.  Funny how a voice and a few words can do that to you.  We've only just begun and he understands how I'm feeling, says that trust will come with time.  And it will.  I'm just very up and down emotionally at the moment for various reasons.  This has all been a great help though - but hearing his voice has been the best.  Even though I now feel a bit of a pranny - still, I can live with that, not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 11:40:23 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		I would wonder why you are really hurting over someone you haven't even met yet, that throws up some red flags as to your emotional wherewithall to have any sort of relationship with anyone.
 
i think that when you are very new and excited about finally getting out there and finding someone, when someone does come along that seems to push all the buttons, for the first time, lets not forget (heady stuff), all of the newbie subbie instincts go into overload. they call it sub frenzy - a thoroughly recognised phenomenon.  emotions go all over the place, submission is hot and scary at the same time and on top of all of that there is the requirement to trust a guy who ultimatly wants to do things that would curl your mothers toes.

plus the intensity of the internet can be incredible, particularly when suppressed sexuality is suddenly given freedom to express itself.

fake doms - a red flag to me is when their 'domination' fails and they question if your a submissive atall.  when your happily chatting away and you push a little and then push some more and get a little more cheeky and then find yourself wanting to hear them say, stop, thats about as far as that goes, but they dont.  they talk about you in all sorts of kinky gear, kinky scenes, kinky sex and every sort of sexual fantasy but give you no way of knowing how youre ever going to get there on your own, because theres no sense of them wanting to show you, guide you, be patient with you because they need to assume that you are submissive enough to do as they say, without actually helping you there through the process of domination, which in its perfect sense brings about your submission, because they have no idea how to do it, they just want a submissive woman to fulfill their fantasies.

a Dominant is a very nurturing person.  ultimately they want their submissive to grow, to blossom under their care and direction.  it is a case also of 'you scratch my back and ill scratch yours' ie., the Dom/me will be your boss, direct you through whatever you need them to help you with, they will find projects/needs close to your heart and help you there.  in return you fulfill their needs absolutely.

but in the end its instinct - you will instinctively know if the guy is for real or just a wannabe, out to access submissive women because its the only route he has to kink, short of paying for it, that is.

i really hope your guy works out and its just you being sensibly cautious.

lallyx

lallyx








(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 11:53:39 AM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks Lally, for your good wishes and advice.  First time I've heard the term 'sub frenzy'  - but yep that's me all right!  It's also a relief to know that how I'm acting and feeling is not so unusual.  I've experienced an unpleasant dose of doubt today, self doubt and doubt of the dom I've chosen.  However, I've learnt from it and maybe this early on it sensible to doubt a bit.  My gut feeling is that he's a good 'un - my main problem is trusting my instincts.  I read your profile earlier on as I was looking around - you sound very happy in your relationship.  All the best, Veexex

(in reply to lally3)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 12:39:22 PM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		i did a profile? - dont remember that......!

trecks off to take a look.

good luck - its likely to be bumpy but if he's a good un and youre compatible he'll get you through.

all the best.  lallyx

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 12:45:20 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Some people are on here just for role play, but aren't brave enough to admit it. What hurts about this is that some of us are on here to find a non-role playing relationship. It's the perceived deception here that hurts, not them being fake. If you're feeling deceived, express your feelings, gauge his reaction and then make a decision.

Master Fire


_____________________________

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(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 12:57:18 PM   
angelbluewingsz


Posts: 324
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline 		tips to spotting a fake Dom...

They flinch when you suggest they make you bleed from every hole....    

A real dom wouldv'e duct taped your mouth long ago.... LOL

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 1:00:09 PM   
angelbluewingsz


Posts: 324
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline 		I know alot of fake Dom's, these are the ones who keep repeating over and over that they are the Dom,,, seriously, if you were a true Dom you shouldn't have to keep telling your Sub..  they will already know. That is just an insecurity which a Dom should never show... they are supposed to be confident and secure enough for both themselves and their Sub

(in reply to angelbluewingsz)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 1:12:32 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelbluewingsz

I know alot of fake Dom's, these are the ones who keep repeating over and over that they are the Dom,,, seriously, if you were a true Dom you shouldn't have to keep telling your Sub..  they will already know. That is just an insecurity which a Dom should never show... they are supposed to be confident and secure enough for both themselves and their Sub


Yeah there should be a certificate

"Testing here today, ARE YOU A TWUE DOM? find out now -  Is your kink good enough, the weak shall fall and WE will tell you what you should be"

*rolls eyes


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Resident Lime(y) Tart
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(in reply to angelbluewingsz)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 1:19:18 PM   
Veexen


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		Judging by everything you are all saying - plus a dose of my own instincts - the dom I've chosen is the real thing.  We'll see how it goes - it's going to be an adventure any which way!


(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 1:21:40 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I wish you luck, enjoy it hun :D

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 1:22:52 PM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		just tapped in sub frenzy D/s and found this.  might be of interest to you.

http:/wwwalbanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/sub_frenzies.html.

not sure how to make it so you can just click on that it takes you there, sorry.  "information is power" - one wannabe Dom said to me, ironically enough.

lallyx

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 1:27:00 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Can i just say as a warning, there is a lot of - This is what a Dominant is- type lines in this post, and its a pile of crap, I have met very differant Doms wanting differant things, there isnt one way we all do it differantly thats the beauty of it, of course there are abusive players but there are that everywhere, when one person says fake another says soul mate, basically its about knowing what you need what you are compatible with, and be careful of anyone who says "this is what a Dominant is"

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/8/2008 1:28:04 PM >

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 1:28:30 PM   
DominantJim


Posts: 43
Joined: 6/28/2007
Status: offline 		You should never feel 'pressured' or 'obligated' to stay with someone for any reason. I understand that he's a good looking guy and he seems to treat you well now. But the rule of thumb in any relationship is the three month rule. That rule states that after 3 months a person's true colours shine through. And you may find yourself in an isolated situation in which  you can't get out. I read on here another post that said some men use this as an excuse to find women just to abuse. That is very true and those types work slowly and methodically as to not rouse suspicion. He will try to isolate first from friends and family and then when you're cut off he'll reign his full power on you doing whatever he pleases to you. So just be careful and get to know him before you rush into anything. This isn't a race. 

(in reply to Veexen)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How can you spot a fake Dom? - 3/8/2008 2:38:06 PM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		in seven days youve already gone through what other take decades to get through
dont cut yourself off too quickly,
im already scared for you.
come back to the boards often!!!

_____________________________

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~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
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(in reply to DominantJim)
Profile   Post #: 40
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