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RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/11/2008 7:43:28 PM

MiaMaria

Posts: 14
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline

BUT,if HE breaks our commitments, and wants poly suddenly, he cannot surtainly think, I will stand by the sidelines. Because our agreement went on,that NO others,as long as we did it together,and or with total accept,not force it over anyone. So it´s even poly,or not. And he knew that too! so I really don´t get it.

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 21

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/11/2008 7:51:16 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

You know I am poly in a sense only I want a Monogamous Poly so two slaves and Me and nothing outside of that.

Takes a special person to fill those shoes you have to ask yourself does he want Poly or does he want Pussy?

Big Difference.

Think about it.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 22

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/11/2008 7:55:22 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Some of the context here is that Steel recently started a thread in which he (correctly) pointed out that some CM posters were unnecessarily encouraging people to run away from their relationships even though -- for example -- on the boards we usually hear only one side of the story.

That said, if someone lied to me multiple times about something fundamental, I would leave -- and I think that is the only healthy thing to do. Period.

What do you expect us to say? Oh, don't worry, not a big deal? Or to give you the magic subbly incantation you can chant 4 times and your Dom suddenly keeps his word? He's sneaking around on you, and you're sneaking around on him. Yuck.

You can't control him. You do, however, control yourself. What you are doing right now is not working for you. What are you going to change?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 23

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/11/2008 8:04:11 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

You're 36 years old. Surely you've been dating, or in relationships, or dealing with PEOPLE as an adult for a minimum of 18 years. Right?

So take out the whole BDSM and what Masters "should" do and what slaves/subs "should" do. Just toss all that out the window for a moment.

He said you and only you... and he is on another personals site. Doesn't matter if he tries to convince you that he knew that it was you - you know that's a load of crap. If he knew it was you, then he would have said something OBVIOUS like ending his letter with "and make sure you pick up my favorite soda on your way home."

He's lying to you, you know it, he knows it, and we know it.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 24

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/11/2008 9:12:39 PM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

I'm with Cali and everyone else. Perhaps try one more time for the honest conversation, but if that doesn't clear the air, I'd say move on.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 25

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/11/2008 9:36:58 PM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline

I mean it's cool and all that you're his property and he can do whatever he wants with you. Kinda a turn on, I know. But,if he's lying to you, there is a serious issue if you're putting a lot of trust in him being his property. I think in the long run, you can't last as his property if he's doing that to you (lying). If things stay the way they are I don't think that's great, it will put you in a situation of constant emotional harm. So it's good to confront him and give him a chance to come clean, that is the first step to solving this problem. So if it's a character issue, definitely don't want to trust that sort of person... If he continues acting the way he does, I definitely suggest leave so he won't have his current property for long and it's his loss whether he realizes it now or not.. about not having you in his life after treating you like that, plus what will likely happen to him karma-wise for opening up channels for that sort of behavior. Wishing you the best of luck.

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 26

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 7:46:37 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

FR

Before I even think about nailing this guy to the cross, I want to know how solidified the relationship is, is he her Master because they've hung out and fucked, is it on line? Do they live together or near each other?

Personally I think the relationship was in trouble the minute she went looking for him on other sites. If I don't posses enough trust in a person not to check up on them, then I don't have a committed relationship. Period. So she went looking and she didn't like what she found and now she doesn't know what to do? Why did she look in the first place?

And I'm still not convinced that there was enough of a relationship to expect complete monagomy.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to chickpea)

Post #: 27

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 10:02:00 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I don't think anyone else has the right to decide when it's 'enough' of a relationship to need monogamy. Some people are only comfortable talking to others who focus on one person at a time. If you prefer to date and talk to several at a time, so be it. Just means you aren't compatible with someone who wants more of a focus than you do.

As far as going looking for him on these sites? Well, it makes you crazy when you're being told one thing and your gut is saying something else. Some people aren't able to listen to their instincts and need confirmation.

The question now is that since she had her suspicions proven correct, what are her options? Stay, knowing he gets his thrills by cheating and not by having sex with others within their agreement. Or leave and look for someone else. I don't see anything else.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 28

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 10:07:36 AM

trusting

Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline

sounds like something only the two of you have the ability to work out together... if He is unwilling to speak on it, then the open communication has ended and i would see no point in continuing the relationship myself.

you need to feel able to opening speak to Him about anything, as any true Dominant Man would want to know if His submissive is happy and at ease with the relationship!

i wish you well...

_____________________________

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 29

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 10:47:52 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

well, that begs the question; was her understanding of monagomy assumed or agreed upon? I know that there are people who focus on one person at a time and if that is the way they are wired, that is good for them, but until they talk about monagomy with their partner, they shouldn't assume that the partner will have the same understanding. And how did she approach the question of monagomy after she caught him, did she immediately set him on the defensive so that honest communication didn't seem like a desired choice? Was she accusatory and displaying hurt? So many questions that are all part of the variables to the answers.

It all boils down to not just trust, but open communication I think. Monagomy is expected on my part, it is not on his, it is an understanding that I had from way back in the beginning of the relationship. I don't ask him, but he always offers information when he is talking to someone and it has evolved to the point when he's thinking about meeting them. And I guess that is why I can be so secure with my relationship, I trust that if he goes somewhere for hours and it is significant to me, he'll tell me, if he's on a site and something has developed, he'll tell me.

Now that I've written all that, I'm pondering which comes first, the trust or the president for open communication? But I do know that if I had the urge to covertly check his activities that would be my insecurity problems that needed to be dealt with before I could move forward in the relationship.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 30

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 11:06:52 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

She said they had an agreement of not going outside the relationship without the other person's knowledge and approval. That means he can't screw her coworker against whom she's competing for a promotion, or her sister or anybody else she has bad vibes about. He broke the agreement by seeking outside without her knowledge. Because if he was upfront about it and would have reassured her that when and if he wanted to meet someone, of course she was welcome to join them, that would be a different story.

Additionally, I'm betting that these women he's attempting to chat up don't know he's in a relationship. And that he doesn't plan to tell them.

Frequently it is insecurity driving us, unwarranted insecurity left over from other relationships. But this doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she was getting mixed messages and decided she needed proof to move on. I wish her good luck moving on.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 31

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 11:23:17 AM

SinergyNstrumpet

Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Additionally, I'm betting that these women he's attempting to chat up don't know he's in a relationship. And that he doesn't plan to tell them.

Or he maybe looking to "trade up" if something better comes along. My mom said something about men that is not universally true, but has a little weight... most won't leave a woman without another waiting on the side... they do not leave a sure thing for a maybe.

Not that this guy was looking to do that, but it would be really hard to know if he was just playing around for fun on the side, or intended to replace her...

julia

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 32

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 11:25:03 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

I guess I missed that part, but even that is up to interpretation, do they communicate when they are looking or do they communicate when they might have found and want to meet?

the waters keep getting muddier and muddier, oy vey.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 33

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 11:58:21 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

is_this_a_long-distance_relationship?

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 34

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 1:44:40 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

*quack*

Sorry, I know this is not a fun or funny situation to find yourself in.
It sucks.
But you absolutely know whether or not he's lying.
Now you have to decide whether to listen to what your gut is telling you (that little tiny voice, that gets louder and louder)
or what he is telling you.
This guy was so busted, then not only does he lie about it, he insults your intelligence, and takes advantage of the fact that you want to believe what he says by saying he 'knew' it was you?
Puhleeze.
You know the truth.
Only you can decide what to do about it.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 35

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 2:45:35 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

is_this_a_long-distance_relationship?

Why would that matter? I've got a friend married to a guy in the National Guard. He spends six weeks at a time overseeing airplane repairs around the world. Does that give her an excuse to cheat on him since they're LDR?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 36

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 2:53:36 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

that_wasn't_my_point_for_asking...

so-many_times_people_invest_themseles_with_people
they_don't_really_know...
on-line_dating_is_filled_with_smoke_and_mirrors.

However,_the_OP's_heartache_is_real_regardless_of_the_how's_of_their_relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 37

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 3:21:41 PM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

I had similar..with a sub...
Drop Him..he is playing with you....simple as that....and yes it sure sounds direct.....but it safes you worries.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 38

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 3:22:31 PM

MiaMaria

Posts: 14
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline

hi, First I don´t know,whether it´s a long distance..both yes and no, because we live about two three hours from eachother. With regularly visits, but I am to be available,whenever he asks,no matter what time. That´s how it looks for now.
Yes we had an clear agreement, with me his number one,one and only, but,occasionly we were going to play with others,
together. A hell of a difference. I told him, I will not agree to you screwing around for your own, not nowing anything at all.
And neither did he. He surtainly didn´t. Yes, I can play,with others. But I don´t have the feeling to do it when I´m alone.
And I want to know,that I am first. That was our agreement. And if we ever wanted a change,we agreed to inform and talk,
and make sure I or he didn´t felt walked on. That is our agreement. And else,we have a M/s relationship.
But I still think,you don´t walk over peoples feet..
No, I´ve talked to him very assertive, and very carefully, with consideration. I am very gentle in my aproach. But of course,
everyone else still claimed,that I accused him. Others said including my xMaster,that I should ask and ask,until I got a
decent answer,but I didn´t got antything out of that. It all went down to do you trust me,or do you not,I trust you 100%.
Why I went after him on that chat? It actually started with,that I was looking for some blogs,he wrote,at the internet.
Suddenly,his name went forth,a dating-contact site,actually when it comes down to it dating. he denied,we had big
conversation big words of me sad and he managed talk through it. (maybe he thinks "I don´t get through it again!")
I don´t know how many times he has told me it was only me.
I´m beginning to wonder,what actually led him to the datingsite.. does he thinks,that the grass is greener, doesn´t
actually want to hurt me or else,but the temptation..? I don´t know,but it´s not black or white I understand,because
he holds on to me..or else he would leave,didn´t he? He won´t answer,why he wrote like that. I said to him,I don´t
know WHY you wrote it. Its NOT an accusation. I haven´t made up my mind,it all depends on what comes next.
I jumped at a text message,he sent to me,together with the other stuf. "I don´t know,if I shall continue searching",
"I haven´t decided yet" then I text him, what did you just say??? Are you saying... then he said of course it´s us,
I only want you. Just like that text was not meant for me?? Do you get it?

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 39

RE: If the relationship´s having trouble-what then? - 3/12/2008 3:31:09 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

My friend had a similar problem recently, she had been with her Dom for about six months, they were meant to be saving to move in together, she got a bit concerned when he went out drinking every weekend while she wasnt spending anything. She posed as another sub and sent him a message to which he responded that he had two subs and wouldnt mind a third. When she confronted him, he was indignant and then said he knew it was her and yadda yadda

That was all crap, eventually she managed to cut him out of her life, I always thought he seemed an ok bloke, so you never can tell, she knew that she couldnt mess around with him because she has children and so she wouldnt have been the only one hurt.

We dont know both sides of this story but to be honest from what you are saying you dont trust him, ANY relationship is based on trust. If you put your hand into a fire, it gets burned, you can reason with yourself, oh but the fire looks so pretty, you put your hand in GUESS WHAT. At the end of the day if you are going to make excuses for him and go on not trusting him anyways its gonna be a pretty messed up relationship, but each to their own and all that jazz

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to MiaMaria)

Post #: 40

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