In need of help!

In need of help! (Full Version)

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ariesdelight -> In need of help! (3/14/2008 1:13:09 AM)
I have actively been in the lifestyle for 3 years now. I have mostly submitted to women since I've been married for 5 years. However, since I am getting divorced I found a man claiming to be a Dom. Let me explain that I feel like when the right person gets into my head, I am Very submissive. However, I read a lot and i can't figure out whether or not this relationship is abuse, if I'm trying to force my vision onto him, or what. We have been dating for a little over a month now. Straight after knowing him for four hours though, he right away discovered I was into the lifestyle, i guess cause i said exhibitionist (im an exotic dancer). Anyways, through talk he immediately found out, and said things about respecting my boundaries, and safe words. Etc etc. Then he demanded that before we continue, I had to have sex with him...that night. Infront of my co-worker and her new lover (his best friend). Imean he literally wanted to have sex while they watched. He is definetely into voyerism and exhibitionism. But four hours of knowing him...and he got upset and said he didnt want to see me. I was crushed, but the next day he sent his number through his friend to my friend to call him. So i let it go. I should mention that really ive never had an formal training. One long term so i understand the mindset. And i feel like its more natural. I have hit subspace, i know that i am submissive. I need that control. Long for it. But im cautious too. I know there are players out there and i wanted to slowly enter this. It was like hitting a wall of Domination at 80 mph. Boom. No training, little understanding of wants/expectations on either side. No patience and a lot of confusion. The next few meets went well. I met his friends and enjoyed being shown off. He loved it too. We have had gangbangs. I didnt ask for them but he enjoys watching other guys fuck me. But then he demanded, and i do mean viciously demanded i find a girl (im bi). I only had days. I suppose i fought it because it was sudden and i was hurt that i wasn't enough...even for two weeks. And i didnt know any. I have kept my lifestyle a secret and honestly my only social time is at work. And i dont want to piss where i eat. He had no patience and thats all he had a single track mind for was another girl. I asked him for time to see if i could find someone online or maybe feel out a few co workers to see if they are interested. I cant tell ytou the amount of crap i went through. He has never phsycially hurt me, but i fear for my safety of my reputation He seems to feel he can tear my life apart. When he gets what he wants, he is fine and sweet. I did find a girl, and after that it seemed ok. Now he is demanding i make money for him. He lost his job and needs money. He is demanding i give him $1000 for his rent otherwise it's a "bad move". He does that alot. Makes threatening remarks at me. Not about my physical safety but like how he will come to my work and i cant remember the exact words but very menacing against my mental/emotional state. My other problem is that i dont know which way to go with him. No matter what i do it pisses him off. He always thinks im cheating on him since day one. And i has forced me to stay away texting him arguing all night. He pushes his will by saying "no means no" or "just accept it" terms i get. Then he gets scary by saying, "you sholdnt piss me off" But its like he has told me he doesnt want me to go out...at all...im in the barscene alot, i worked at three. I have friends and just go to socialize. He wants me to sit at home and wait for him to let me come see him (he has a daughter and long story short i cant meet her so my times over are few). He had a shit storm, had his ex over, and claimed they were having sex. This morning he said he didnt but last night he wanted me to think so. But she was still over there! And he kept me up all night so that i got three hours of sleep before a 12 hour work day. Next day, he was like, "well then you shouldnt have gone when i said no" Im not allowed over when his daughter is there...but the ex is??? He claims he said no, but he didnt really. i knew he didnt want me to but i got tired of sitting around (ok not the subbiest thing to do but please put into context my plight). There was no good reason to not go when He can go when he wants too. He went to a bday party tonight...he didnt even ask me. Im scared all the time, but i can't figure out if im fighting this to try and turn it into my ideal relationship, or if he's abusive. He says he cares about me, but then its like he wants me to pay for his rent...in two weeks....maybe if i knew him longer.... Oh and he is consistently dumping me. Saying goodbye, lose my number. Your worthless, you dont love me. Your nothng special. You are useless to me But then he turns around and says he wants me to be his girl and that he cares about me. He calls me worthless a lot. Seems to play off demeaning me. So i know this is sorta abstract, but i can't tell if im just fighting the control. I mean i like the restrictions, and the control but at times it seems suffocating and ridiculous demands. And he gets really scary about it. When i tell him, he tells me, "well then do as i say and dont piss me off". And nothing is for me. Like he may not even come to my bday party at the end of the month cause "he wont know anyone" Even as a subbie dont im like..its my bday! Am i fighting this? I know i've read alot of things, and my previous relationships never got too serious cept for one. So i can't tell. Is this truly where the submission comes into play. To just agree or is this going past Domination to abuse? I just feel like i seriously dont have a right to say no. Ive never thought of myself as a slave, but it seems like im getting forced there. I can't tell if he cares, or if im a booty call, or if im his whore and he wants to pimp me out. Please help!!!

Focus50 -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 3:14:18 AM)
Hi and welcome to the Forums.... [:)] Bottom line is you've hooked up with a misogynistic arsehole. You're less than human to him; he sees you as nothing more than meat - and a potential source of income.... He's a user; which makes you....? There is a difference between dominant and domineering and it's the latter that's generally characterised by an abusive dynamic. IE, the stereo-typical abusive, drunken husband is certainly controlling his partner but there is nothing safe, healthy or fulfilling for the dominated in such a relationship. Ideally, a happy D/s relationship is one where both D & s are getting their needs met. *IMO, you need this prick out of your life forever - ASAP!!!!* Focus.

MissMagnolia -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 3:28:26 AM)
I can't tell if he cares, or if im a booty call, or if im his whore and he wants to pimp me out. Please help!!! He doesn't care, you are a booty call AND you are his "whore". For gods sake, you've known the guy five minutes and he's already treating you like a piece of trash, to be picked up and thrown back into the cupboard when you annoy him. He's always dumping you when you annoy him. He loves you and wants you to love him? Who the fuck falls in love that fast? And not only that, out of love just as quickly. This guy isn't training you, he's just using you when he feels like it, for whatever he feels like doing. You may be right into being whored out, some people are and that's great, but you are asking if he cares. That means you would like to believe he does care. He doesn't. Please understand, you are being abused and abuse isn't what D/s is about. You say you're scared of him. Listen to that inner voice telling you to be afraid, gut instinct is rarely wrong. Find someone who wants what you OFFER, not what he thinks he can take. Good luck.

MRandme -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 3:31:34 AM)
You need this guy out of your life. i was married to this sort of guy for 18 years and am still trying to get free of him... If you are worried about him getting violent or stalking you, contact your local domestic violence center. They can help you as far as how to do it safely. First step, i'd get a new cell phone number. As a safety step, you might confide in your boss/co-workers: "i met some delusional guy at the bar and he won't leave me alone. He says if i don't do as he says he's going to tell people all sorts of awful lies about me." That way if he does try contacting them, they will be prepared to disbelieve anything he says. If he shows up, you will have someone at your back. But chances are, he will not follow through with his threats. Guys like this are all bluff and no followthrough -- bullies. You may need a restraining order, the domestic violence people can help you with that. Good Luck and i wish you well. you can cmail me if you need someone to talk to. g

divi -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 3:31:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia I can't tell if he cares, or if im a booty call, or if im his whore and he wants to pimp me out. Please help!!! He doesn't care, you are a booty call AND you are his "whore". For gods sake, you've known the guy five minutes and he's already treating you like a piece of trash, to be picked up and thrown back into the cupboard when you annoy him. He's always dumping you when you annoy him. He loves you and wants you to love him? Who the fuck falls in love that fast? And not only that, out of love just as quickly. This guy isn't training you, he's just using you when he feels like it, for whatever he feels like doing. You may be right into being whored out, some people are and that's great, but you are asking if he cares. That means you would like to believe he does care. He doesn't. Please understand, you are being abused and abuse isn't what D/s is about. You say you're scared of him. Listen to that inner voice telling you to be afraid, gut instinct is rarely wrong. Find someone who wants what you OFFER, not what he thinks he can take. Good luck. I fell for your boobs the moment I met them lol edits cause I forgot to tell the OP you really do need help if you let some guy treat you as such

ScottyDont -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 3:32:27 AM)
Run. Far far away. He's victimizing you, and it is abuse. Do not stay with him 1 more minute. To do so, could lead to him getting pissed - and hurting you severly, or even killing you in a fit of rage.

Justme696 -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 3:52:02 AM)
At the OP If it feels shit, then it is shit.

Dnomyar -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 4:39:14 AM)
The guy is not doing it tight. You never hear of my subs bitching about this.

Lashra -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 5:03:00 AM)
You have found yourself an abusive asshole who wants to use you as a whore to put money in his pocket. Surely your smarter than that and will dump his ass real quick and find yourself a Dom that will treat you the way you need/want to be treated. Piece of advice, don't ever let yourself become a doormat for just anyone to wipe their shitty shoes on. A sub/slave should always look out for their own well being and safety particularly if the "Dom" isn't. My 2 cents. ~Lashra

Bound2One -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 5:07:58 AM)
I sent you an email. [:)]

mnottertail -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 5:12:23 AM)
I am with Lashra, but look....you are only 23, how old is this guy? If you think that coming up with whacked out fucking ideas, and saying you are not letting go everytime you say something and getting pissed off about it and generally stupid sort of shit is called a relationship......not so, daddio. Ron

HalfShyHalfWild -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 5:28:31 AM)
run, not walk, as fast away as you can , do not engage with him again. I'm sending you an email on the other side.

Gemini1766 -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 5:40:42 AM)
To move slowly away from this subhuman is to risk life and limb, and sanity. Do as has been suggested, run, your life may very well depend on it. And I don't think anyone here wants to find out your situation became terminal.

Aileen1968 -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 5:43:28 AM)
Is there a friggin full moon or something lately? Please use common sense and listen to that little pit in your stomach. It's called your gut instinct and it's rarely wrong.

SassySarijane -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 5:49:17 AM)
~Fast reply~ Based on your OP, this has nothing to do with D/s. It's an abusive situation with the potential to get much nastier than it already is. Educate yourself on bdsm, learn what it is and isn't. Consent is the difference. Cut him from your life, take time to get yourself together, learn and discover what you want, need and what fulfills you and THEN start looking for it.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 6:38:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MRandme You need this guy out of your life. i was married to this sort of guy for 18 years and am still trying to get free of him... If you are worried about him getting violent or stalking you, contact your local domestic violence center. They can help you as far as how to do it safely. First step, i'd get a new cell phone number. As a safety step, you might confide in your boss/co-workers: "i met some delusional guy at the bar and he won't leave me alone. He says if i don't do as he says he's going to tell people all sorts of awful lies about me." That way if he does try contacting them, they will be prepared to disbelieve anything he says. If he shows up, you will have someone at your back. But chances are, he will not follow through with his threats. Guys like this are all bluff and no followthrough -- bullies. You may need a restraining order, the domestic violence people can help you with that. Good Luck and i wish you well. you can cmail me if you need someone to talk to. g I completely agree.. Being proactive in a situation like this instead of reactive completely shifts things around.. He is blackmailing you into doing whatever he wants to you and with you...Diffuse any power he has by telling your boss all about this guy. I would imagine that being an exotic dancer, your boss is probably pretty familiar with all this stuff and might not have any negative reaction at all to your lifestyle preferences.. If you want to look at it in terms of D/s (which this clearly IS NOT) but: you say you are submissive, but you never agreed to be HIS submissive.. The whole power exchange dynamic is based on consent, you agreeing to give your Dom the decision making power over all or some of the areas of your life. Not him bullying you with threats to get it. So this guy is a domineering, abusive, blackmailing, PIMP who happens to know somecatchy BDSM terminology that he used to lure you... It worked.. Doesn't mean he is a Dom any more than it would make me a Doctor if I walked into an operating room and told the nurse to hand me a #2 scalpel and to prepare the patient for a Lumbar microdiscectomy... You wouldn't want me to perform that operation any more than you would want this guy in control of anything in your life.. Correct me if I am wrong, but when you fantasize about all this stuff, did your fantasies include some jerk making you feel like a worthless piece of garbage? Most everyone here can attest that there is a HUGE difference in having someone tell you "you are a dirty, nasty fucking slut" and "You are MY dirty, nasty, fucking slut." Said the first way, it's designed to eat at your self esteem and make you feel worthless. Said the second way, it can raise you up and make you feel loved and wanted and free.. Which would you rather have in your life?

DesFIP -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 7:28:16 AM)
Go to the police. Tell them you met this guy and now he is demanding money from you or else. Have an order of protection sworn out against him. Go to your doctor and get full std scans. Put him on block, get caller id and have it block him. Tell your firms HR manager that this guy you dated is threatening you and is there anyway he can not be allowed on the premises, tell her/him that you've asked for an order of protection.

FrankAr -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 8:26:33 AM)
Greetings, I just have this little notch on the back of my neck when I read something and it just does not sit right in a reality sense of view. I mean I just do not equal this to being real, just in someone's vivid imagination and then they will see the replies, maybe pass onto their mates and laugh about it while eating cheerios and drinking bud light, because their parents have locked the liquor cabinet up for the night. I am going with my gut and just know this is not the truth. Be well. Frank Ar.

kinkypuppy2 -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 8:29:24 AM)
He is a looser and user, There is no "Dom" in him. He is just using your submissive nature. That is a road you do NOT want and I do not even know you, but that road is oneway and its not good or healthy.. I understand your submissiveness but you will have to pull yourself up and tell the A**hole to take a walk as you want a Dom noa user and you are a submissive not a doormat.

CatWhoWalksAlone -> RE: In need of help! (3/14/2008 8:37:48 AM)
I have to agree. This reads more like someone's humiliation fantasy, to me. quote: ORIGINAL: FrankAr Greetings, I just have this little notch on the back of my neck when I read something and it just does not sit right in a reality sense of view. I mean I just do not equal this to being real, just in someone's vivid imagination and then they will see the replies, maybe pass onto their mates and laugh about it while eating cheerios and drinking bud light, because their parents have locked the liquor cabinet up for the night. I am going with my gut and just know this is not the truth. Be well. Frank Ar.

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