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RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 4:00:42 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

It would depend on if I trusted him or not. Reading off a profile...probably not. Knowing him for years...maybe. I have friends who pretty much operate that way...and I'd trust them if I ever chose to serve them because I know their character, their abilities and their intent. However, my friends also don't take those kind of liberties with people who are not either in service or outright collared to them.

My opinion: You have to get to know someone first and get to know them well, if you operate that way. So, if the guy is willing to talk a LOT before EVER picking up a flogger...maybe. If he's expecting it the moment you walk in the door....no way. Bottom line: if you don't trust him, don't submit.

Master Fire

My thoughts exactly. There is no way i could just say "okay you tell me what my limits are" to someone i had just chatted casually to. But to just let him do anything he likes to me regardless of whether or not it could damage me mentally or emotionally is something i could never do. For me that's what getting to know each other before play is for, to decide what will and won't happen during play.

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 21

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 4:04:38 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play.

And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael.

Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 22

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 4:53:34 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play.

And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael.

Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog.

Count me in this group as well -- you submit or not, choice is yours but I won't negotiate or fight about it.

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 23

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 5:13:36 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

I came across the profile of a dom who believes that a subbie's limits should be left up to him as he has many years of experience and would be able to discern what her limits actually are.

Now to me that's a bunch of BS because how can someone i've just met possibly know what my limits are/aren't? Would you say this guy is for real and just too confident or a fake?

Phoenix

It's a huge turn on for me when a dom sets the stage. I'm out of there mentally the minute he asks or gives me a choice as to whether or not I want to do something. There are some doms that like to set limits...doesn't make them fake. There are some subs that like to have their limits set by another...doesn't make either party wrong.

_____________________________

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 24

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 5:40:22 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Asking what someone's limits are before you have asked them how they define limits is a cart/horse thing in my book.

If one defines limits as things they don't want to do vs things they are unable to do without damage, then likely I'd have to adjust my approach and I might even dismiss the idea completely. But without knowing how they define limits the question and answer have so little context as to be just short of useless.

The Idea in question seems to spring from the general truth of people self limiting far short of what they are truely capable of doing. If you believe that people generally will set lower expactations for themselves than what they are capable of, and you believe in a D/s dynamic, then you can logicly defend the idea of a Dominant will determine/ discern/ scry/ etc what their limits are.

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 25

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 8:40:24 AM

daddyncherry

Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

my Master/Daddy ultimately set my limits for me, though he didn't tell me that off the bat. He heard me out on the things i thought were my hard limits, he let me voice my concerns (and chuckled to himself), and then as time went on he slowly erased most of my limits (all but the "fearsome four").....He knew where my mind and heart were before i knew, he knew where he could take me, where i would follow him and so he let me say all of my stuff and really just kind of ignored it all.....

In a way it kinda irked me and confused me when he told me that....how he had laughed to himself over them, how he knew i had no clue of what i could or would do. i expected that my hard limits would just be respected, never pushed, never gone past and i took his desire for me, w/ the knowledge of my limits, to mean that he was fine with them...i was new and didn't have a clue, he was right about that.

Now, those things, save for one, are typical, and mostly my favorite things (sexually speaking only)...So he did know way more than i did....and he has determined my limits as he chooses.

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 26

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 9:50:23 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

I will actually rule someone out immediately if they say to me "So...what are your limits?". When they say this, I know right away that we could never be compatible, because we don't approach bdsm in the same mindset and I can tell from that statement alone.

i found this to be so true. if the conversation starts like this, i know we are not on the same page. i have also found that men that begin with this approach lack in conversational skills. that is a hard limit for me!

may we all find our bliss,
everhope

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 27

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 9:55:45 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Nods....They won't ask you about limits. They will simply make clear what they expect to be submitted to-and the ball is in your court. It's how they weed out what they consider to be "Psuedo subs."

And it's an extremely efficient method.

Strange, that wasn't how it worked for us at all, he did not want to talk about limits, but respected that I had them... really listened to me, and if I said that something scared me took his time going there. Now I have no limits but his limits... same result, but not your method

julia

Ditto for Michael and I..
Ain't it funny how that works?

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SinergyNstrumpet)

Post #: 28

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 10:00:57 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I will actually rule someone out immediately if they say to me "So...what are your limits?"

I also rule them out. I figure they are wanting wankage fodder. I don't have time for that sort of nonsense.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 29

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 10:28:27 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

I see limits as being an experiencary concept.

I know from Experience that I do not care for blow jobs (Sorry Cali) I know this because I have recieved many and every time it never reached the hype, so I tend not to even want them as there is a Giant List of things I do like and would like INSTEAD of a blow job, however I know that if the only thing the person is willing to give is a Blow Job and I am wanting contact I can live through it.

This applies to a Light Limit, something that I really don't care for but am willing to do if it is the only option.

Someone meeting me might disagree wih this limit and I might be willing to let them see if they can illisit a different response.

I do not Bottom, I find that my distaste for this activity is beyond average and boarders on the kind of feelings that take me to a place that is not safe for me.

This applies to a Hard Limit I am not willing to to do this activity EVER and I will not allow someone to step on or intrude in on this limit of mine.

I see limits just this way. I have NO IDEA how someone is going to react to something or WHY someone reacts to something poorly so I take into account thier feelings and let them decide what is a limit and what is not.

But there are people out there who want a person who will objectify them and take responsibility for even these things and I cannot say that they are any more or any less Dominant or are right or wrong

As I am custom to saying

Different Strokes for Different Folks

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 30

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 11:18:53 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
I know from Experience that I do not care for blow jobs (Sorry Cali)

SHADDUP!!! May a pox fall upon your... uhhh... pseudo-domness.

Okay, on-topic response: My sigline refers to a conversation that initially I bristled at, but came to understand as he explained further. When he said "self-professed" limits are not the limit of ability, he was saying (and I'm sure I'm paraphrasing badly), that if you have never tried something, you don't know if you can do it, but you can know that you would be uncomfortable doing it. Would I want someone who doesn't know me very well to take me there? Not on your life.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 31

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 11:30:59 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
It's a huge turn on for me when a dom sets the stage. I'm out of there mentally the minute he asks or gives me a choice as to whether or not I want to do something. There are some doms that like to set limits...doesn't make them fake. There are some subs that like to have their limits set by another...doesn't make either party wrong.

I totally agree. Once choices are presented to me it is like the 'off switch' has been hit inside of me. I do not want to be the one to set or control things, it makes me uncomfortable and totally changes the way I feel towards a dominant.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 32

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 11:36:16 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

I have always found it more important to click with a person and find a vanilla connection. We end up talking about BDSM in conversations that are natural and a part of learning about their history with it and you talk about yours. Of course, I let them eventually know my physical limitations. They dont set my limits. However, I do choose Dominants by integrity and trust. Someone that I dont need a safeword with because if I say "too much or stop," they listen to me, regardless of if I have given them a set limit or used terms like "red".

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 33

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 2:33:52 PM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

I came across the profile of a dom who believes that a subbie's limits should be left up to him as he has many years of experience and would be able to discern what her limits actually are.

Now to me that's a bunch of BS because how can someone i've just met possibly know what my limits are/aren't? Would you say this guy is for real and just too confident or a fake?

Phoenix

I've been in the "lifestyle" for so long I mentored deSade.

Now THAT impresses me! *whispers* sooo what was he like?

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

Post #: 34

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 2:41:40 PM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I see limits as being an experiencary concept.

I know from Experience that I do not care for blow jobs (Sorry Cali) I know this because I have recieved many and every time it never reached the hype, so I tend not to even want them as there is a Giant List of things I do like and would like INSTEAD of a blow job, however I know that if the only thing the person is willing to give is a Blow Job and I am wanting contact I can live through it.

This applies to a Light Limit, something that I really don't care for but am willing to do if it is the only option.

Someone meeting me might disagree wih this limit and I might be willing to let them see if they can illisit a different response.

I do not Bottom, I find that my distaste for this activity is beyond average and boarders on the kind of feelings that take me to a place that is not safe for me.

This applies to a Hard Limit I am not willing to to do this activity EVER and I will not allow someone to step on or intrude in on this limit of mine.

I see limits just this way. I have NO IDEA how someone is going to react to something or WHY someone reacts to something poorly so I take into account thier feelings and let them decide what is a limit and what is not.

But there are people out there who want a person who will objectify them and take responsibility for even these things and I cannot say that they are any more or any less Dominant or are right or wrong

As I am custom to saying

Different Strokes for Different Folks

As Always

Steel

Geez, Steel you are a wise, wise man. My concern with a dom saying no limits or beat it is the subbie who has been raped and for whom forced sex - or forced anything for that matter - would be traumatic. I would think that a dom would want to know about that sort of limit beforehand.

After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not?

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 35

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 2:46:58 PM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play.

And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael.

Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog.

was it really necessary to take shots at me? At no time did i say i want to control the relationship. All i'm saying is that it would be nice to let a potential dom know about scenes that might hurt me physically and emotionally beforehand.

Actually i have almost no limits at all, BUT i do have physical limitations which could result in serious injury and i am responsible to mention them ahead of time.

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 36

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 2:50:54 PM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I have always found it more important to click with a person and find a vanilla connection. We end up talking about BDSM in conversations that are natural and a part of learning about their history with it and you talk about yours. Of course, I let them eventually know my physical limitations. They dont set my limits. However, I do choose Dominants by integrity and trust. Someone that I dont need a safeword with because if I say "too much or stop," they listen to me, regardless of if I have given them a set limit or used terms like "red".

I'm with you on this one, luscious. I need to get to know a dom before playing with him. The one time i didn't i regretted it as he turned out to be disrespectful and wouldn't stop when i asked him to. I don't necessarily need a safe word per se but i DO need to know he will stop if i can't handle what we're doing.

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 37

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 3:19:55 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not?

Phoenix

Not Mine actually. The closest I subscribe to is RACK (Rick Aware Consentual Kink) but even then that isn't all together accurate. I made up my own Acronym to express the way I go about Kink and Limits.

KWYADACTGDB

It Stands for

"Know what you are doing, and Close the God Damned Blinds"

SSC and RACK are far from the important things to consider when dealing with Kink , Mine allows for both parties to live in that particular moment and live with the consequences.

As with everything

"I reject your reality and substitute my own."

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 38

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 3:28:59 PM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not?

Phoenix

Not Mine actually. The closest I subscribe to is RACK (Rick Aware Consentual Kink) but even then that isn't all together accurate. I made up my own Acronym to express the way I go about Kink and Limits.

KWYADACTGDB

It Stands for

"Know what you are doing, and Close the God Damned Blinds"

SSC and RACK are far from the important things to consider when dealing with Kink , Mine allows for both parties to live in that particular moment and live with the consequences.

As with everything

"I reject your reality and substitute my own."

Steel

*sigh* I HAVE no reality to call my own so yours is fine. I don't care which way it's put, the bottom line is that i want to feel safe with the dom i'm playing with...and heard when it comes to scenes which might injure me physically or mentally. So long as the dom will stop when things are going to far i'm not bothered.

Cool anacronym, must be hard to remember though...

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 39

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 6:52:30 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix
After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not?

Phoenix

No. My credo is "Obey my Master."

And while we did not discuss limits right off the bat, I knew upon becoming his that I would not have limits of my own to claim. I also knew upon becoming his that he knew my entire history and how it effected me, and as such, I trusted him to do the right thing by me...else I would not have become his.

But I don't live by acronyms or mottos. Not knocking those who do, just saying it does not apply to all.

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 40

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