RE: Pseudo-Dom or not?

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RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/18/2008 11:42:56 PM

Hippiekinkster

Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I have always found it more important to click with a person and find a vanilla connection. We end up talking about BDSM in conversations that are natural and a part of learning about their history with it and you talk about yours. Of course, I let them eventually know my physical limitations. They dont set my limits. However, I do choose Dominants by integrity and trust. Someone that I dont need a safeword with because if I say "too much or stop," they listen to me, regardless of if I have given them a set limit or used terms like "red".

This is how I approach what I do. The end result for me is to have an intimate emotional connection. It's easy to have an intimate physical connection. Hell, the Internet was built on pictures of people having sex. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. Sticking my dick in a woman's mouth is no great achievement. Neither is spanking or flogging a chick. But having an emotional bond - "love"; well, that IS an achievement.

I don't call myself a "Dominate" (joke). I don't identify myself as such. I prefer not having labels for myself. I'm a Top, no doubt about that. I've been kinky for a long time. Pre-HIV. I sure as hell don't follow some "rules" or "protocols" somebody made up to sell some books or "classes" or "seminars". Especially bad Science Fiction Books. If I wanted to do that I'd be hangin' out with Tom Cruise. And I cannot conceive any circumstances under which I would call myself "Lord" muckety-muck or "Sir" whippersnapper or "Master" lock. I'd crack up every time I tried to write it or say it.

Nah, count me out of all that "kinkier than thou" horseshit. Fuck, even the queer bars like the Eagle chain and Moonshine and the Bear in Berlin have fucking "dress codes" now. (Of course, the European leather bars have fisting nights and WS, but that's another topic) http://www.arthotel-connection.de/english/neighborhood_fuggerstrasse.htm

Where was I? 30 years ago I indulged myself a bit in that Disco/poppers/dungeon/Club Baths instant anonymous grat stuff, and it was very cool, but I need more these days.

All this is what I'm like, and how I live my life, and that's how it is. Maybe there's some sort of connection between this and my post about impatience. Or maybe it's just my fevered imagination.

Namaste

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Post #: 41

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/22/2008 10:56:31 PM

solia

Posts: 115
Joined: 8/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play.

And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael.

Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog.

Count me in this group as well -- you submit or not, choice is yours but I won't negotiate or fight about it.

My thoughts are that everything I’ve learned screams that limits need to be discussed and negotiations need to be conducted for several reasons, medically, emotionally … if anything to make sure I’m not into cutting your fingers off or other body parts for that matter or that you’re not into that either. This comment ‘I don’t negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don’t ..’ really concerns me. I don’t want to find myself face down in a barrel of acid just because someone doesn’t want to discuss limits with me. Sure, this seems like a slippery slope argument but it really seems to me that if no limits are set, a sick mind could interpret that as ‘sure I’d like to spend the rest of my life in your acid barrel and served up for din din’ Hell, that could happen (and has) anyway. And to rule someone out immediately if they want to discuss limits? I think, if someone doesn’t want to discuss my limits, I’m not interested in spending another nanosecond with them because I view that as no respect for me and why would I trust someone who disrespects me?
If you are thinking or wanting to write ... 'but we don’t do that (acid barrel stuff or maiming or scat or kids or dead things)' ... then you do have limits that you’ve already negotiated ~ at least with yourself ~ and you are mighty lucky that some sub trusted you.
I for one am leery of the no limit thought process whether top or bottom and whole heartedly believe both set limits. Sure, those limits may get moved up or down the scale as the relationship progresses and trust (for both parties) strengthens…but there’s always that pesky little starting point isn’t there? Again, I have to ask the question ~ what’s the defense’s argument in court? ‘well your Honor, we have a no limit policy so he/she agreed to this … it was consensual and I really don’t understand why we’re in court with an assault charge’ How many d/s tops are sitting in prison right now that tried that? Even with negotiations this happens ~ ‘buyer’s remorse’ is the term I’ve heard applied to that.

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Post #: 42

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/22/2008 11:04:19 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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Which is why you should be honest about expressing things that turn you on, and walk away if they don't. Bait and switch is a pretty poor tactic.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 43

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/23/2008 9:03:01 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play.

And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael.

Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog.

Count me in this group as well -- you submit or not, choice is yours but I won't negotiate or fight about it.

So if you're at a party and ask someone to play, you expect him/her to agree to let you do whatever you want with them having no idea if it could make them ill or not?

You meet for coffee for 15 minutes and then expect them to turn over the keys to their car?

I bottomed to him before I submitted. I couldn't submit until I knew him better. And that required time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 44

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/23/2008 9:12:41 AM

solia

Posts: 115
Joined: 8/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Which is why you should be honest about expressing things that turn you on, and walk away if they don't. Bait and switch is a pretty poor tactic.

is 'expressing' the new negotiation?

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Post #: 45

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/23/2008 9:18:14 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Which is why you should be honest about expressing things that turn you on, and walk away if they don't. Bait and switch is a pretty poor tactic.

exactly. I now understand where you're coming from and imagine my surprise when i found out we're on the same page. Said it before, i'll say it again..communication, CLEAR communication is key...

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

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Post #: 46

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/23/2008 9:19:18 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: solia

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Which is why you should be honest about expressing things that turn you on, and walk away if they don't. Bait and switch is a pretty poor tactic.

is 'expressing' the new negotiation?

No, expressing is the new black

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

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Post #: 47

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/23/2008 9:36:53 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

I came across the profile of a dom who believes that a subbie's limits should be left up to him as he has many years of experience and would be able to discern what her limits actually are.

Now to me that's a bunch of BS because how can someone i've just met possibly know what my limits are/aren't? Would you say this guy is for real and just too confident or a fake?

Phoenix

From what you have written here, I think it is an assumption on your part that he will know a submissive's limits when they have just met.

In my relationship, he has determined what limits he will place on play. He did not know those limits the moment we met, but learned them over time and with experience. He is very observant, highly perceptive and an excellent top. He knows me well enough to know what will harm me and to know that I will often allow my fear of the unknown to limit me. He pushes me past that fear.

To some people he may not be a very good dominant (and I don't think I have met anyone yet that I think would be happy serving as his slave or submissive). For Alandra and I, he is the perfect match. This dominant may not be right for you, but that doesn't mean that he is fake either.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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Post #: 48

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/23/2008 3:36:10 PM

sirguym

Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
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I will go with those who say an experienced dominant will be able to explore somebody's limits much more effectively than they know them themselves.

I don't claim that ability myself; but I know some whom I would trust completely and implicitly, if ever I decided to go sub to them.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

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Post #: 49

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? - 3/23/2008 6:58:44 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: solia

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Which is why you should be honest about expressing things that turn you on, and walk away if they don't. Bait and switch is a pretty poor tactic.

is 'expressing' the new negotiation?

It is if you want someone to know what you are about. Is being coy the new empowerment?

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 50