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What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:18:43 AM

closetmonkey

Posts: 22
Joined: 3/17/2008
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Question for the Masters/Dominants out there especially (but hey, chip in your two cents whoever you are, too!):

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?

Post #: 1

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:27:17 AM

colouredin

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Joined: 2/2/2007
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Dunno if Im allowed to add to questions, but if while anyone is answering this they can put ina little sub section, again its the stress thing but I dont want to ask what to do I just wondered how generally it makes you feel if you get like that? And if you have asked your sub for space why do you think you would ask and how long can someone be realistically expected to give that space.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 2

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:42:26 AM

Lashra

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Joined: 2/9/2006
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As a Dominant I would hope my sub would come to me and have a open discussion about it. Stress is a factor in everyones lives and it can really drag a person down. Perhaps that is what is going on with your Dominant. The main thing is to communicate but in a respectful, positive way if you can. I wouldn't say "I miss what you were..." that opens on a negative note. Instead I would say something like "I'd like to talk about us. You seem a bit stressed lately, is there anything I can do as your sub to ease that stress?" Give s/he support or space if they need and just keep being a great sub.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 3

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:43:05 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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If she were also my partner/friend, then I would want her to support me. I see that as pretty normal, but I know from experience that that often doesn't happen.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 4

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:44:50 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

Question for the Masters/Dominants out there especially (but hey, chip in your two cents whoever you are, too!):

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?

Seems to me that he may need professional counsel.
You might say: "Master, your slave / sub has a concern. May she speak?"

If he has gone completely nuts, have the guys in the white coats and with the straightjacket come get him.

Otherwise simply say "Yes, master", and do as you are told. That way at least you do not contribute more to his stress than he is already suffering from.

< Message edited by Rule -- 3/19/2008 4:47:31 AM >

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 5

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 5:53:09 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

Question for the Masters/Dominants out there especially (but hey, chip in your two cents whoever you are, too!):

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?

Fortunately, I have a Master who isn't quite so sensitive as to feel "inadequate" if I were to discuss with Him some concerns I have. Therefore, if I felt He was acting "unusual" or that something was wrong, I would communicate it like this:

"Master, it seems something is wrong. You aren't "yourself" lately. Would it please you to talk about it or would you rather not?" Something like that. Simple. To the point. No drama. He can answer "yes" or "no" with no feelings of inadequacy or threats that I'm trying to control or "top" Him. But then, we're just pretty to-the-point like that. No head games or drama tolerated.

But....with all that said.....He's not the mysterious type. He doesn't act all stoic and keep me in the dark about His feelings/thoughts. Usually, on the very rare occasions when He allows stress to affect Him, He's more than willing to share, talk about it and listen to my thoughts on things. And that never makes either of us feel He's "inadequate" in anyway. It brings no negative vibes at all, only positive ones. He says that, after all, what's the use in owning someone you can't even pour your heart out to and get some helpful feedback?

.................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 3/19/2008 5:56:42 AM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 6

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 7:23:41 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

In my own experience only: If it's a surface day-to-day stress, there may be a rant and vent to get it out then it's done. Just listen and nod, hug at the end. If it's a bad pissed off dark mood, let it go for the moment then ask about it, let the rant and vent come then it's done. Finish with the hug. If it's a petulant pouty "I didn't get my way all day and I'm pissed at the world" mood, hit the ignore button because I finished with those moods when my kids grew up. If it looks to be the start of a really bad downward spiral, derail it somehow, defuse it, point it out, get ready for the rant and rave but don't let it happen. Supply the hug. I have found that hugs work great for all kinds of things. It's really hard to be angry when you're in a hug. At the end of it all, talk about how to not feel the stress and anger in the first place, then there's no cleaning up to do.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 7

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 7:28:51 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I would want him/her to give me the time and space that I need, rather than adding to it by telling me that I am not fulfilling my sub's needs.
If I *were* a domme, which I'm not, but still, that's my answer.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 8

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 7:34:12 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey
What would you want them to do?
How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?

Angel and I have been through this at least 3 times since I have moved down, and I am sure Fox and I will encounter it at some point. I am not nearly so fragile that I will se myself as inadequate if I am stressed and it shows. When I started acting 'off', it was brought to my attention. Angel asked me if he could help me handle the stress better, and mentioned that we hadn't played in quite some time. He wanted to make sure I wasnt upset with him, but he was also worried that letting me know I wasnt holding up my side of the D/s with him would add to the stress. It didnt, I simply told him that we could play as soon as things calmed down. I wanted his company, if he could be with me without playtime. IF it was going to be a problem, I would call him in a few weeks when things were back to normal.

Fox would not handle my needing space quite as well as Angel did. But, realistically, thats what helps best when I am stressed. It will hapen, at some point. And I already told Fox that if he notices I am acting differently, he is allowed to say something. I dont want them to grin and bear it because I am the Owner and they are the pets.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 9

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 8:12:06 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

Simple... be patient, be obedient, be supportive... pretty much the same things I expect all the time. If I'm stressed, and it does happen to us all, the last thing I need is a submissive who suddenly adds to that stress by becoming needy, whinning, complaining, etc. I don't need her to fix what's wrong, or fix me, or anything else... except maybe dinner. Just be there, be her usual self, be something constant and reliable in my life at times when perhaps many other things are not... that in itself is quite nice. In other words... she should be and remain stable.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 10

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 8:18:09 AM

Leatherist

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Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

By asking if there is anything they can do to help.

Rather than making pissy self-serving demands to "Conform to my vision of you, because it's all about me."

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 11

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 8:26:49 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

Question for the Masters/Dominants out there especially (but hey, chip in your two cents whoever you are, too!):

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

I'll answer this if I may from the stance of what I would expect any slave in our home to do. First step woulf be for him or her to talk to the Mistress of Bruin Cottage (my Wife, Lady Neets), and discuss his or her (the slave's) worries. Nine times out of ten my Lady would either know what was wrong and issue instructions accordingle (perhaps a massage for me and especially my bad knee if she thought the problem was pain related; draw me a bath or even bonk my brains out ) My good Lady could tell the slave to talk to me. It boild down to how the M/s or D/s relationship dynamic, but generally I go with comunication, Comunication & COMMUNICATION!!

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 12

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 10:05:40 AM

LilMissHaven

Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

As a Dominant I would hope my sub would come to me and have a open discussion about it. Stress is a factor in everyones lives and it can really drag a person down. Perhaps that is what is going on with your Dominant. The main thing is to communicate but in a respectful, positive way if you can. I wouldn't say "I miss what you were..." that opens on a negative note. Instead I would say something like "I'd like to talk about us. You seem a bit stressed lately, is there anything I can do as your sub to ease that stress?" Give s/he support or space if they need and just keep being a great sub.

Good luck,
~Lashra

I'd give my two cents but Lady Lashra said it better then I could have.

I always saw my place to be what I was needed to be. Not always easy or prefered but also when I felt the most submissive. But, that it is only myself I can speak for.

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 13

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 10:12:32 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I'm supposed to tell him if I think he's allowing stuff to put him into a tailspin. Because I'm not the only one who will notice this; so will family, friends and clients. Frequently he's the last person to recognize what's going on. So I ask what's up, what can I do, and also specific questions about him eating regular meals, and getting enough sleep. Because when the physical stuff goes south, it always impacts the emotional.

However I'm sneaky, I try to put a plate of cheese and crackers and a large glass of water out before we talk. Nobody is at their best when thirsty and hungry.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LilMissHaven)

Post #: 14

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 10:17:31 AM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

My sub usually mentions something when I am "off" so to speak. If I have a time period that I am not giving her the Domly attention she deserves so to speak then its usually because of something stressfull going on. I usually use her kind of for comfort.... bathe me, give me a back rub ect..... I just dont scene when overwhelmed in the workplace or on the homefront or at least scening becomes simplified... but I do look to my sub for those creature comforts that make life worth it all. So I guess you could say that once the problem is identified I still use my sub just for more non sexual things. I still make sure she has regular orgasms though.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 11:11:01 AM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Simple... be patient, be obedient, be supportive... pretty much the same things I expect all the time. If I'm stressed, and it does happen to us all, the last thing I need is a submissive who suddenly adds to that stress by becoming needy, whinning, complaining, etc. I don't need her to fix what's wrong, or fix me, or anything else... except maybe dinner. Just be there, be her usual self, be something constant and reliable in my life at times when perhaps many other things are not... that in itself is quite nice. In other words... she should be and remain stable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

If she were also my partner/friend, then I would want her to support me. I see that as pretty normal, but I know from experience that that often doesn't happen.

OP: the fact that you used the term "wussing out" in your post, pretty much says it all.

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 16

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 11:23:04 AM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
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I think I will just turn the tables here and ask what you would want your Dominant to do were you to start having some real life stressors that disabled your ability to get your head into your sub mindset, or be able to endure your Dominants ministrations with your same pain or emotional tolerances for a long period of time. What would you want your Dominant to do? Go look for another slave because you have wussed out and leave you not only to deal with your life stressors alone but to now have the burdon of dealing with being abandoned in your time of need and support? Or, would you want them to be supportive and help you walk through your life situation as they have committed to do.

Hopefully, you made more of a comittment to your Dominant than just being there for Him/Her to "do you" on a regular basis at the level you need to be "done" at!! Uugggghhhhh!!!!

This topic really touches a nerve in me that I don't care to get too deep in to because I would probablay blow this thread up.

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 17

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 11:50:12 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressVnus

I think I will just turn the tables here and ask what you would want your Dominant to do were you to start having some real life stressors that disabled your ability to get your head into your sub mindset, or be able to endure your Dominants ministrations with your same pain or emotional tolerances for a long period of time. What would you want your Dominant to do? Go look for another slave because you have wussed out and leave you not only to deal with your life stressors alone but to now have the burdon of dealing with being abandoned in your time of need and support? Or, would you want them to be supportive and help you walk through your life situation as they have committed to do.

This is a good and interesting point, as Master and I have both had serious stressful issues over the years that we needed to deal with.

In both cases, whether it was the major life issues I had to deal with, or the major life issues he is now dealing with, I was expected to continue submitting to him, and he continues to Master me. However, we work within the confines of what life is dealing us.

He made adjustments for my situation, and now I am making adjustments for his. In the current case, it means a significant change to our relationship, and whether that is a temporary or permanent change remains to be seen. Is it stressful for me? Absolutely. But my job is to bring goodness to his world, not add to his stress. Of course I miss what existed before the change. But I'd be foolish to think he doesn't miss it, too. And I'm pretty sure he missed what I was able to provide when I was dealing with my issues.

Life ebbs and flows. Despite such changes, I am required to (respectfully) tell him what I am thinking and feeling at all times. I am not allowed to hold up a brave front and withhold my stresses and fears, as that would be dishonest. At the same time, however, it would be inappropriate for me to focus only on me me me and not how I can best serve him as we get through this.

Complaining about the situation doesn't help it. Focusing on how to best deal with it does, however.

(in reply to MistressVnus)

Post #: 18

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 12:21:02 PM

softpjOS

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

Question for the Masters/Dominants out there especially (but hey, chip in your two cents whoever you are, too!):

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?

As it's been pointed out already, saying anything like "I miss what you WERE" is the last thing that should be said. All that does is add stress and make the situation much much worse for everyone.

When Mistress is dealing with stressful situations, and the past year has been FULL of such incidents... I'm simply THERE for Her to listen, support, offer advice, snuggle, pamper and try to REDUCE the stress at every possible chance.

Maybe our relationship is a bit different then the one you have, because ours is a partnership and we see each other as life partners not just playmates. Every aspect of our lives are combined so what causes Her stress, typically has an impact on me as well. Just as you seem to be noticing something a bit "off" but instead on focusing on helping your Dominant... you're seeing only what effect it is having on YOU. Step back, as others have suggested and put yourself in your Dominants shoes.. what would help YOU the most? Them saying you aren't there for them or them offering to pick up the pace a bit and help in areas that maybe you wouldn't normally assist in?

In our case, I assess what is going on in Her life, see what areas are demanding Her attention, what tasks She's being pulled away from and I simply see to it that "everything" is taken care of. And at the end of the day I'm there to see to it that She relaxes... if only for a short time. I may not be able to "fix" it, but I can sure as hell give Her a break from it, if only for a couple of hours. I see to it that my presence is helpful, not adding to the stress.

Remember, it's the little things that mean the most. A note on the board when She arrives home saying clean clothes/pjs and a nice thick towel await Her in the bathroom, no need to go upstairs to get everything.. it's there waiting... Her fridge in Her bedroom stocked with ice and Her favorite beverage... fresh linens on Her bed... anything to give Her a little smile and know I care and She doesn't have to "DO" anything for me to show it. But then, my ultimate "reward" is the smile on Her face, to hear Her giggle.... once She's doing that.... the "rest" just falls into place.

good luck and I hope things smooth out soon

pj

(in reply to closetmonkey)

Post #: 19

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 12:28:11 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressVnus

I think I will just turn the tables here and ask what you would want your Dominant to do were you to start having some real life stressors that disabled your ability to get your head into your sub mindset, or be able to endure your Dominants ministrations with your same pain or emotional tolerances for a long period of time. What would you want your Dominant to do? Go look for another slave because you have wussed out and leave you not only to deal with your life stressors alone but to now have the burdon of dealing with being abandoned in your time of need and support? Or, would you want them to be supportive and help you walk through your life situation as they have committed to do.

Hopefully, you made more of a comittment to your Dominant than just being there for Him/Her to "do you" on a regular basis at the level you need to be "done" at!! Uugggghhhhh!!!!

This topic really touches a nerve in me that I don't care to get too deep in to because I would probablay blow this thread up.

It's actually therepudic for me to think about someone else's needs rather then my own issues, so focussing on him and doing the best for him that I can is what I can do and his consistancy is what he can do. The last think I'd need is for him to go easy on me because of other things.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to MistressVnus)

Post #: 20

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