RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (Full Version)

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mzbehavin -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 10:54:18 PM)

Hmmm this is a hard one.... So many valid points. If you tell him you know hes here, he may ruin the friendship to keep himself safe, if you tell her hes here, that may ruin the friendship. I like the link sent from an Anon. addy idea but then again, i'm rather against "outing" people as to their lifestyle choices.  Thats a big bomb to drop.




puppy4owner -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 10:55:56 PM)

those that tell,dont know.those that know,dont tell



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 10:57:28 PM)

How out are you?  By outing him, or even writing to him, you could be opening yourself up to some publicity you may not want.
That said, I would contact him.  Not to trick him, but just to let him know you are aware that he seems to be actively looking and that you hope all is on the up and up in his marriage.  It might scare him, as said, and make him think twice.  Or maybe they have an agreement. 
In the end, it is not your business, and I would not tell the wife at all.  But there is nothing wrong, IMO, with a little honest challenge to him by simply letting him know that you know.



Hippiekinkster -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 10:58:30 PM)

Set up another profile. Use it to contact him. (Just say interesting profile or comment on a forum post, whatever). Get a pic of a really foxy young chick. Play along with any kinks he has listed in the profile. If he comes on to you, keep it going. Arrange to meet him. When you go meet him, take your friend along. [8D] That's not too evil, is it?

Or tell her you ran across a guy on the net, and you want to play a joke on him. Then get her to contact him, pretending to be someone else. [8D]

Better yet, he'll end up tripping himself up if he's looking for strange. Keep your counsel.



Termyn8or -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 11:16:32 PM)

Do you like pina coladas ?

You remember the song, not that I live by song but it really does apply. Get her to get a mambership here and respond to him. Let the chips fall where they may, but keep a record of the email you send to let her know that you were not after anything.

Let her respond, and she should be good at it knowing him. He should be chomping at the bit to meet her in notime.

But then take a step back and look. Does he say looking for friends only ? Is he willing to relocate (that would not be a good sign right now) .

And if this is really a relationship maybe she should look into satisfying his needs. He is not here for a hamburger.

But facts are facts, married for a year and she won't play with him, why the hell didn't this come out before they put another nail in the coffin of marriage ? People just don't get the concept of look before you leap, and that you have sowed what you reap.

That is a judgement, and I think you might want to play it out for all it's worth. They DID get married, this would alert her that he is looking for a little kink maybe ?

But then she should have known that long before the marriage.

That brings up another subject, I must go.

T



NorthernGent -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 11:19:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeBoots

What do I do?



Are you as cruel and downright greedy as I am?

If so, here's what you should do:

Blackmail him. Find a way to blackmail her, too.



GreedyTop -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 11:25:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeBoots

What do I do?



Are you as cruel and downright greedy as I am?

If so, here's what you should do:

Blackmail him. Find a way to blackmail her, too.


*snicker*



abytchgoddess4u -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/20/2008 11:44:43 PM)

~fr~

Only you can 'know' if she would want to be told. Since she's one of your best friends, I'm sure the hypothetical, "What would you do if you ever found out he cheated?", conversation has occured.

 All my friends; male and female, know that if I ever discovered they knew that kind of info and didn't tell me...they'd be out of my life, period. And, all partners have always known they'd get the beating of their lives if they ever cheated.

I have been cheated on and have stuck to my guns on this dealbreaker. Hell, I once punched an ex out in the middle of a bar when I found out he was cheating...and I was sober.



GreedyTop -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 12:05:25 AM)

I'm with the "butt out" crowd.  best friend or not, you still have NO idea what is TRULY going on inside their relationship.



Leatherist -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 12:08:26 AM)

I'd marvel.



MadameDahlia -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 12:08:43 AM)

I'm going to adapt a story my English Professor told us in class for you.

Ask her, "Hey... I just found out that someone close to me may have a husband that's stepping out on her. I don't know if it's the case. I haven't asked him for details. However, he does have a profile on a Personal's website. What do you think I should do?"

And if she says, "Pull her aside and tell her for Pete's sake!" you may want to respond... "I just did." (or some variation on that theme, thus breaking the news).

If I knew someone was cheating on any of my friends I'd deal with the fucker personally. And then I may tell my friend where to send flowers, if he/she felt inclined. (Kidding! For the most part...) I'd want to know if someone I was involved with was cheating so I could cut ties just as fast as I could whip out the pair of shears. I won't stand for that bullshit.

But think about it... would you want to waste your time on a sorry, candy-assed, lying, cheatin', no good, scum sucking wanker? Would you want to put effort and time into a man that had little to no respect for you and the supposed trust and loyalty that you and he share? Why should she have to invest time, effort and emotion into a loser a moment longer than necessary?

Evaluate the profile he has here on CM. Does it REALLY look as though he's looking to find someone? Or does he look as though he's posted a profile to get as much cyber action as he can while the Missus is out shopping, getting her nails done, picking up the kids or whatever other errand she may be out of the house doing? And if you can't tell and have always wanted to be a P.I. or perhaps were one in a prior incarnation... ask a few questions, as though interested in getting to know the fella. If it smells like fish... go from there. But if he sounds as though he's toying with fantasy because he's not getting it at home... it might be best just to leave well enough alone. He may be mentally scratching an itch without actually intending to meet, suck or fuck anyone from this website.

Now maybe some may not want to hear about it. Maybe some might want to stick their heads in the sand. Maybe some people are happier to leave their dirty laundry buried in the back of the closet, continuing on in life as though everything were peachy. If this is your friend you may want to step back. You may want to leave things to them and bow out, doing your level best to pretend as though you know squat.



SugarMyChurro -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 12:19:20 AM)

The very fact that people are married is all the heads up anyone needs: 30-60% of all married individuals will cheat at some point or other. I don't know why this is anyone else's lookout but that of the people married to each other. Maybe they should talk about it, or not - whatever floats their boat.

The whole "loyalty" and "butt-insky" crowd explains a lot about the sorry state of our culture.



BeachMystress -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 1:14:41 AM)

I know someone this happened to, though he was on match.com, not here. The husband asked his wife to take a photo of him on their digital camera "for work" and three days later she gets a call from one of her friends telling her the husband was on match.com. He was claiming to be separated, divorce in progress, with no child custody. In reality, he lived with his wife and they'd not spoken of divorce to that time. Forty eight hours after finding out, my friend had an attorney and filed for divorce.

 One important thing, not every person who posts a photo on here posts one of their own. I found a profile with a photo of a friend of mine on it. It wasn't her profile. It turns out it was her housemate who wanted to get the extra attention that posting a photo gives but didn't want to use her own photo. I've also seen profiles that were obviously done to cause someone a problem, such as that guy in NY who put his exMistress' information on CollarMe to get her raped. http://www.nypost.com/seven/03062007/news/regionalnews/perv_set_up_ex_to_be_raped_regionalnews_jana_winter__roddy_boyd__kate_sheehy.htm

You have no idea what is really going on. Personally, I'd write to him and ask him what was up. As MadameDahlia says, it may be a fantasy itch he wants to scratch online. If it is more than that, I'd let my friend know there was trouble on her horizon. Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you, right? I'd sure want to know if something was wrong in my marriage! If it hasn't gone beyond the online profile stage yet, perhaps they can still fix things. Perhaps (pipe dream) she'll even realize he has a huge need she isn't meeting and she'll get into BDSM!

Cheating is more than an emotional risk. A friend of mine in the local scene got herpes from her long term, live in, monogamous (supposedly) boyfriend when he had an affair with a married woman. There was a very scary ad on TV not too far back that talked about how many people pass on Aids before they even know they have it.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: SugarMyChurro
The whole "loyalty" and "butt-insky" crowd explains a lot about the sorry state of our culture.

Actually, I feel that the abdication of personal responsibility and the death of common courtesy has a lot more to do with the "sorry state of our culture" than anything else.



MadameMarque -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 1:23:27 AM)

Tell her.  Cheating exposes the unknowing victim to a variety of serious risks.  I never understand how there's any question of what a friend would do.  Would you want to know, if it were you?  Do unto others.
 
Cheaters may practice safer sex or they may not - either way, it's not completely safe, and they are undoubtedly going back to their primary partners and having unprotected sex with them. 
 
The cheater's other partner may get more serious, and become a very real threat to the cheater's primary partner and/or family, as they become hostile and jealous.
 
This is not to mention the emotional devastation, when one discovers that the person they thought they knew best, could trust most, who is supposed to love them, has a secret life, and a completely different heart than they know.  It can make them distrust their own perception about everyone.
 
The sooner the illusion is broken, the better.
 
- One thing, though.  You and your friend should be certain that it's her husband, and not someone using his photo.



BeachMystress -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 1:31:09 AM)

Wow, MadameMarque, are we channeling each other? As they say, great minds think alike! LOL



MadameMarque -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 1:48:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

Wow, MadameMarque, are we channeling each other? As they say, great minds think alike! LOL


BeachMystress, I know!  I posted, then saw your message.
 
Great minds, indeed.  And good friends to have.  We've got each other's backs.



aviinterra -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 4:51:56 AM)

Completely agree. Keeping quiet will put her at risk, and if it is a best friend, why on earth would they be angry at the one friend who is actually fulfilling their role as a friend? I just don't get the people who would rather watch a best friend's life turn into a wreck later on down the road. It's actually kind of sadistic, but in the wrong way...counting off the weeks and months until they finally get that teary phone call. Sick. 



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 4:54:05 AM)

stay out of it.,

if you do meddle in their martial affairs, you'll lose a best friend and gain an enemy

my $1.50 for the week.






Sundowner -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 5:05:39 AM)

 

Soooooooo difficult. But I'm with the "do nothing" group. At very least you keep your options open to do something later. Tell (either one) and it's irrevocable. And I also have a feeling of it's their lives, not yours; let them each live as they want, whatever your judgement. 



Zensee -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/21/2008 5:07:44 AM)

"Yeah hon, I totally knew he was cheating on you for years but I didn't want to hurt your feelings with the friggin' TRUTH! How's the HIV treatment coming along BTW?"

Like that's going to save your friendship?

Either he's an incurable cheat, so best be rid of him, or they have fixable issues that should be addressed openly. In either case, protective ignorance is the cowards way out.


Z.



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