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GreedyTop -> RE: Found a friends husband here... what do I do? (3/23/2008 3:32:21 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan
I've read through the posts, digested the many points of view from everyone that has contributed. One thing that still has yet to be addressed:
Why on earth does a person feel the need to 'police' another's relationship, whether they be a friend or simply an acquaintance? I cannot help but think (perhaps it's the cyncism in me) that a person derives some kind of personal satisfaction by being the deliverer of bad news to a friend, afterall, they're on hand to dab the wet eyes of that friend, readily offering themselves as an emotional crutch... perhaps they are feeding a need in themselves by such actions.
I used to criticise people that 'played away', until I had a friend whose husband was considerably older than she and terminally ill. He remained bedbound, she the dutiful wife, tending his needs... wracked by guilt, had she done everything for him she could? She/'d spend hours watching over him, her weight plummeted and he never knew she was there - this lasted for almost six years. In the final eighteen months until he finally passed, she struck up a friendship with a man, they fell in love and their time with one another (snatched moments here and there) were her escapism, her little moments of comfort. She ended up being villified for 'cheating' on her husband - who began the villification? A well-meaning 'friend'! I say to anyone, as I have to her, that she cheated herself by denying herself for so long basic human contact/comfort. How dare anyone criticise her or anyone else for their choices. It's not your life, it's theirs. Does that make you any less of a friend by not running to your friend to deliver such bad news? No, on the contrary, it makes you more of one in my opinion.
Another friend, one I have known for twenty years was married. They had been having marital problems for a couple of years and one evening, after I had spent the day with her, the weather turned nasty and the husband drove me home. As we drew up to my abode he put his hand on my leg and tried to kiss me. He was slapped HARD for such intrusive behaviour, and slapped even harder for insulting me. They eventually separated and she came to me and said, "I knew about what had happened when xxxx took you home that night. It must have killed you not saying anything - why didn't you?" I hadn't told her, so knew he had. He assumed I would go running to her and decided to try and deflect any kind of situation. So he outed himself. I explained to her that it was not my place to police her relationship, that she was my friend and going through enough heartache without me adding to it, besides, I'd dealt with him directly. We have discussed that day, and she's admitted that had I gone to her and told her he'd tried it on, she likely would have taken her anger out on me - not meaning it, but it would have provided a convenient outlet for her anger/frustration/heartache - and as it was, she felt a small amount of resentment towards me briefly but thankfully that was soon overcome.
We never know the full extent of what occurs in others' relationships, even if they are those nearest and dearest to us. If I am considered less of a friend for my stance, so be it, I would rather live by my definition of friendship than anyone else's.
People have made a lot of assumptions about the man in the OP. Vivid imagination and gossip tend to be perfect partners of malintent.
I'm quoting this in its entirety because I think it bears repeating..again and again..
Thank you, lovely lady....
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