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Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 4:59:02 AM

colouredin

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Ok this is something that always made me wonder. I have often happened across a profile that states 'looks are unimportant' also I have had many a minger (sorry I know thats mean) approach me and when I have said sorry I dont find you attractive have been told that I am not a 'true' sub because I think thats important. I was just pondering how many people think it isnt. I dont mean simply as play partners etc I mean as a long term D/s relationship.

Also it seems to go only one way, it seems that the Dominant has to find the sub attractive but that the sub shouldnt be so concerned with such things. Maybe I am wrong but I was just wondering what others views on this are.

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RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 5:03:06 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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If I have a choice to pick someone attractive to fuck and have chemistry with over someone unattractive, you can bet your ass I'm going for the good looking guy. This is going to turn into one of those either or kind of debates. My genereal opinion has always been that there are many people out there that I find attractive that also have intelligence and a great personality. It doesn't have to be a choice of one or the other.

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Post #: 2

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 5:05:13 AM

RCdc

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I choose beauty inside and out. Like Aileen said, you don;t have to choose one above the other when there are people with both. No need for compromise on that for me, regardless of orientation.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 3

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 5:08:50 AM

Smythe

Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
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Of course sexual attraction is important. It's sex isn't it? in one form or another.
Even a service only sub should look good while he is cutting the grass. :)

Smythe

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Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 4

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 5:37:44 AM

BuddingSub

Posts: 9
Joined: 7/13/2005
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I don't post often, mainly enjoy the information and debates but this subject struck a cord within me. So I felt a need to post.

I do not judge others by their looks but yes I do have to have a certain look in MY mind to keeps me talking to people. This is maybe not so much as how they physically look as to how they present themselves. Humor, kindness, caring, understanding and mutual interests are key.

A friend, who is a male Dom on this site, says that he looks for much more than looks. WHILE he would like them to be drop dead gorgous, he is male after all, he is realistic enough and has been around enough that personality, charm and a touch of humor goes along way in his answering subs on this site!

I think of my great-grandmother who was a mail order bride. Her and my great-grandfather NEVER saw each other before she came here from Ireland. They were married for 74 yrs and had 5 healthy children and loved each other until the day they died.

Has alot to say about what is important in any relationship! NOT only in this lifestyle!

Thanks and much respect for reading my response,

Becca aka BuddingSub

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 5

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 5:58:10 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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It's a bit of both for Me. Which is to say, there are some things I don't particularly find attractive in a man ... baldness for one ... I really like long hair! Does that mean being bald is an instant dealbreaker? No. But it does mean everything else about that sub would have to be pretty close to right! I have only had relationships with 2 heavy men ... one of whom is Master. My first hub was on the slightly rounded side, My second was thin. I used to be negative about large men even though fully realising how hypocritical that was when I am a big woman! However, those 2 heavyweights, the first of whom paved the way for Master, really shook up my thinking ... and i now see Master as 100% sexy and i adore snuggling up to His "buddha". In summary, physical counts to a point, but it is only ONE factor in what ultimately makes someone and I a good "fit" ... and if other things are terrific then I am likely to warm to them physically too. There are other more powerful prospective dealbreakers ... smoking and liking rap music would be definitely OUT! As would expecting Me to be a cold bitch Domme prancing around in a corset all day and screeching out verbal humiliation ... that ain't gonna happen for anyone!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Post #: 6

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 6:14:58 AM

MsSasha247

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Joined: 12/16/2006
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Sexual Attraction is anyone's right. And looks are different from that. And while we are on the subject, what's with the 'true' sub comment? I've heard the same thing said about Dommes. It drives me crazy! Thank God for all of us being different and individual instead of all being made of a 'true Dom/sub cookie cutter'. How does anyone know how far one will go unless one gets adventurous and tries new things? And if it a limit then it is. Though I have to add, there was times when I was a sub that I sure had some limits and just cause My Mistress liked it I did it and then I loved it more cause I was doing it for Her even though I didn't like. I don't think it is uncommon.

Have a great day people!
Ms Sasha

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 7

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 6:35:30 AM

Justme696

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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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Well you can have sex in the dark...that will solve the problem.

But honestly..I think..there is always attraction of some kind...doesn't need to be a "cute" face.

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Post #: 8

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 6:37:30 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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At first, looks are important -- what we see may be a sign of what we get on some levels -- but looks do not just refer to the body or face, something that few of us have that much control over unless we are willing to spend tons of money on cosmetic surgeries. We do have more control over the clothes we wear, our hygiene, and to a degree how we carry ourselves (a hunchback can't suddenly stand up perfectly straight but he/she can still be friendly, clean, and have that look that says "I'm great the way I am").

Now I've been attracted to the handsome and cute sub/bottom before and more than half the time when we talk there is either not enough in common or it turns out that what's on the outside is pretty much all there is as the light breeze whistles through the almost empty head. I've trained and owned a few who frankly were not my physical type but we had so many things in common, kink and mundane, he/she was so charming, intelligent and polite, that the looks didn't matter beyond one thing.

Sex.

I'll admit it cause I've never claimed to be perfect. I have to be physically attracted to someone to have sex with them. However I also have to be emotionally and intellectually attracted to someone to have sex with them. In other words, given what I consider to be risks to having sex, I want it all in that partner.

Here's the kicker: I expect nothing less than what I've said above from someone who approaches me. I expect that I will not match up well with the vast majority of people. I want someone who submits to me, who wants a sexual relationship with me, to have high standards. Why? Well, damn that says something about me then right and who doesn't want to feel wanted and valued by their partner?

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 9

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 6:40:23 AM

agorwarrior

Posts: 20
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline

I need the sexual attraction, but sexual attraction is not all about size or appearance for me.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 10

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 6:47:03 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
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Looks are important, and if they aren't important to someone then I question their own self-esteem. Do they feel that they can't be picky or do they feel that they might actually get someone if they make them believe that they can't be picky.

Looks are only part of the package though, I'm discriminating based on a whole set of criteria, including compatibility in interests (both sexual and non), life expereinces (can't date a Viet Nam vet-- we have no baseline expereinces to build a foundation), intellect (I dated a genius once-- way too much work all the time, he never turned off his brain), humor (understanding of sacrasm is a must), philosophy on mental and physical health (can't date a man who treats his body like a disposable razor) and I am sure there are others.

Personally, I've seen so many variations of the "you aren't a twue sub/slave" that I've become immune to their argument. I am true to me and that means that if you don't make the cut, you need to move on and look elsewhere. Since I have the choice to become an s-type to someone, I'm going to choose someone that I can enjoy being around and that includes enjoying to look at.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 11

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 6:53:32 AM

lally3

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ive known some really good looking men who were a total waste of space. and i know a guy, married to a friend of mine, who if he were to put his photo up you'd think urgh!, but who is possibly one of the sexiest men i know purely because of his personality, charisma and sense of humour.

so i try not to go by photo alone, not everyone takes a good photo. BUT, hair style, clothes and general 'aura' tell me loads and they can be off putting.

a blank, expressionless, pasty face with flat hair parted neatly down one side sends me quickly in the opposite direction.

(in reply to MsSasha247)

Post #: 12

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 7:03:04 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

If I have a choice to pick someone attractive to fuck and have chemistry with over someone unattractive, you can bet your ass I'm going for the good looking guy. This is going to turn into one of those either or kind of debates. My genereal opinion has always been that there are many people out there that I find attractive that also have intelligence and a great personality. It doesn't have to be a choice of one or the other.

I agree with this and the.darks comments.

Attraction is up to the individual and can be different to all people. It can also be different to an individual when other aspects of the person get into the brain to process.

In terms of the it should be this way or that way. There is only one way and that is the way it works for the individual. Some people just love to accentuate their positives and be dismissive of their negatives in a form of this is how it should be type manifesto.

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I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 13

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 7:07:06 AM

SimplyMichael

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They either make you hard/wet or they don't. Looks are just one part of that, many other things play into it. Do they suck cock like a hoover for instance? Does his voice make your knees weak? Does his BO make your eyes water? Does her fishwife voice make you cringe? So many things play a part.

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 14

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 7:21:51 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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The search for Beauty.

I see it like this. I have met FAR too many women who looks was all you got and I know that many will call foul on what I am about to say but Sex is Sex and an Ugly Women can still be a really good sexual partner. The truth of the matter is the hottest woman I was ever with was the worst sex I ever had and as we had our second date I just couldn't get over how shallow I was being when nothing about her was making me happy but I was with her because of how the outside world judged me because I was with her.

colouredin, I get the desire but I wonder if you see the complex underworkings of a relationship based on physical attraction. I'm not saying that you would be with a total tosser just because he was attractive however I ask the opposite, why wouldn't you be with someone who is willing to give you EXACTLY what you have always been looking for because you don't find him to be a dapper as you would want.

I'm not saying that requireing your mate to be attractive to you is being shallow what I am saying is completely disregarding an indivdual because they do not make the cut when it comes to thier looks and ignoreing the way they make you feel otherwise is shallow.

I can tell you this, there was a girl who I was not very aqttracted to when I was growing up in Vegas. This women "LOVED" me everyone could see it I just wan't into her, so I played the whole, "lets be Friends" card. Well she went on loving me and I went on sleeping with women who didn't give a shit about me and left me and screwed my friends. The girl however she dedicated herself to me and was always there for me. Once during a rather angry breakup she came over and was there for me. I saw her in a different way for the first time. I saw her as the woman who wanted "Me" not the IDEA of me she liked the whole picture and I was hung up on her because she didn't MATCH the picture in my head of what I wanted, However everything else was More than what I wanted as far as drive, desire, and love.

By the time I got my head out of my ass she had realized that I was never going to love her the way she loved me and applied to Oxford for college and we faded away from one another.

Even today I think about how much that girl loved me, and I wonder how things might have gone if I had accepted her love for me earlier.

The point is, Looks fade. Someones Heart rarely changes. Today I look the Heart of who I am with and accpet that their bodies come with the heart.

Looks are Unimportant to me. Many say it and don't mean it, but I guess I am different, looks are something I get accustomed to a heart is what I live for.

As Always

Steel

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RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 7:33:47 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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Ok Steel,

Let me use a similar example, I have a friend he has been in love with me for years, I dont fancy him, we get on, hes lovely he makes me laugh, but there is nothing there, I tried a relationship with him and I found that I took advantage (sub consiously) of his feelings because I didnt feel sexually attracted to him. I cant see him now because I know that I would end up hurting him.

Maybe I am shallow and maybe its something I have to get over, but I want both. I want to like them and fancy them, I dont want to feel like grimacing if i kiss them, I dont think that I can see the other qualities in them unless I am physically attracted, you see people in certain ways. Im not saying I want brad pitt I am just saying I want to WANT to touch them.

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Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 16

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 7:39:51 AM

CreativeDominant

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While I won't go so far as Steel and say that looks don't matter to me, they don't matter as much as they seem to do for many.

I recognize attractive women...and no, I don't mean women that are just attractive to me or a select few but women that a great many would find attractive. My first wife was very attractive...and about as conniving and shallow as you can get. My second wife was one who many would consider pretty but in all honesty, she was not the drop dead gorgeous beauty that my first one was. But she had more depth in her hand than my first one did in her heart. Perhaps that is why I was with her for 20 years even though things went south in less time than that. I've been with women that I thought were very attractive and yet I knew in my heart that many would not find them so. One thing I've learned through the years is that many of the women who are attractive to everyone are attractive inside and out and many who are attractive...in looks...to only a select few can be every bit as shallow as some of the beauty queens.

So...it comes down to individual tastes, at least for me. I won't turn away a raving beauty...hell, at least initially, I have as much of a chance as the next clod. I've already learned that. But I would not turn away someone who, though they may not strike many as that way on looks alone, grabs me. Then...let's see what's inside; the brain, the soul, the spirit, the sense of humor, the ability to converse, the love of life, the love (or lack thereof) of sex, D/s, BDSM, etc., etc..

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 17

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 7:40:52 AM

OmegaG

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Steel, I think that saying that looks mean nothing is a bit disingenuous, they may not be your top priority, but I bet that they factor in at some level.

Pretend that the woman in question looks haggard and old yet you find out she's 25, she's missing 3 visible teeth and has cavities in others, she is underfed, has hollows under her eyes, sunken cheeks and a jaundice complection. She slouches when she walks, her hair is matted and greesey and her clothes are ill fitting and stained. There is blood around her nail beds where she's bitten her nails and cuticles too far down, an oozind wound on her knee where she feel and didn't take care of it and you begin to suspect that her unmaintained pussy hairs may have crabs.

Now we aren't talking about someone who might have a nose larger then you like, or has a hair color or body type you don't prefer. Looks not only indicate preference, they indicate health, attitude and self-esteem. People judge what's going on on the inside by how the outside is presented. Looks matter.

< Message edited by OmegaG -- 3/21/2008 7:41:26 AM >

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 18

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 8:05:20 AM

ownedgirlie

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I was attracted to him by his words long before I ever saw his face. What radiated from within the man brought me to my knees. His voice added to that. When I first met him, I was kneeling, naked, looking downward. I was heated and ready to do whatever he wanted. And when he tilted my face upward to look at him....well....wow.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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Post #: 19

RE: Sexual attraction and D/s - 3/21/2008 8:18:44 AM

ophelialocke

Posts: 127
Joined: 9/2/2007
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All I can say is... being with Master has forced me to admit that looks are a lot more important to me than I have previously been willing to admit. He is unusually good-looking, and that, honestly, was a lot of what drew me to him over all others. Nothing would be there if we were not a good "match" as well, though.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 20

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