RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~

RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (Full Version)

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colouredin -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 6:09:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus What are you doing for HER that is as meaningful to her as menial chores are to you? That was the one point that I wanted to bring up actually

DesFIP -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 6:19:03 PM)
I also would have to wonder if she and the other five previous relationships weren't messy in the dating stage, and if so, why you thought submitting would magically turn them into clean freaks. Because it won't. If you knew it was that important to you, then why not have looked for this quality to begin with? I had a friend in college, and we were discussing sharing an apartment when she said that she believed the bathroom and kitchen needed to be cleaned daily. I knew that there was no way I could do this every other day and preferred not to room with her rather than have a friendship blow up.

daddyncherry -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 6:51:06 PM)
First, i would suggest www.chorewars.com...it could make it fun....i've kinda slacked off of posting mine but that's only cause i was mostly just doing it alone and for myself to make my daily stuff a bit fun. On Chorewars the Master could make the desired chores, and the desired rewards, or the slave could save up X amount of site money to change in for something else, maybe not having to do dishes one day, or a good spanking or whatever.....It could be made fun and a good little game to make the chores less tedious. Master Fire Maam posted about it a couple of months ago and i got totally hooked, its a RPG just so ya' know. Also, Celeste, just giving a differnt opion on what you just said...i was never ever what anyone would call domestically excelllent.....i was not dirty but i was certainly not a clean freak at all...........this caused me great concern when i was getting to know my Daddy and since, i have found that i do waaaay better at it than i could've ever thought, and it is simply because i do it for him (my room/guestroom is a mess cause it isn't his space, BUT...lol)....i actually enjoy doing the stuff i do because i totally internalized it to relate to serving him.

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 7:06:02 PM)
Then to answer your questions. Although I tried to state at the beginning and then someone else posted it on Page 2 this isn't about my current relationship and what we are doing to work through this, but I will answer your question anyway since it seems to be on a few minds. I Help with my son of course, as well as the Maintaince of this house such as paying the Bills and keeping the funds in Order as she is poor with money. I show her that she has Worth and isn't only good as a lesbians punching bag. I show her that she is going to be a wonderful mother by showing her how well are son is raised and reminding her that her Mother was and still is an alcoholic and as long as she never drinks again she won't have to follow in the same foot steps. I Take care of the things that she can't handle, such as maintaing the bills that need to be juggled to keep us from losing something like Phone or Power or Cable. I Maintain the Money and find places that she can get something special for herself. I cook nearly all the meals because she has problems making those decissions and well I'm just a better cook. I maintain the Car and keep it running as we both use it to get back and forth to work. I help her come to terms with the Kink that she enjoyes even though parts of her still think it is wrong to enjoy them and helping to work on the person she wants to be. I work on showing her how happy she can be without giving her limits to what she CAN'T do. I try to show her her greatest potential and then offer ways to getting to that goal. In short I try to give her the suppot she needs to be what she wants to be and the stability to learn these things in a safe environment. And in return I ask that she maintain responsibilities. I show her that she is beautiful in spite of what she thinks and I show her that I am committed to her regardless of what she does. The duties she has are to teach her responsibility that before doing the things that she wants there are things that HAVE to be done. Since letting her fail at the bills, at least for me is not an option, I gave her chores and as soon as she maintain them without fail we can move on to things that require responsibility. My wife is still very young and much of what she is learning now she never learned fro her Hippie Father and Alcoholic Mom so we are taking it slow but I still get upset from time to time. Don't get me wrong ladies I don't stop loving her because she doesn't get the list of duties I have set for her done, but I don't have to be happy that she didn't get them done. Nor do I have to just accept it either. I was never looking for advice on what I should do but rather if anyone could relate and what THEY did. I know what I am going to do and because of some of the great responces I now have a few extra added ideas to support the initial plan that we started after the last issue came to a head. The duties she has she has had since DAY ONE. I have a set list of requirements and in the beginning she was easily able to get everything done. Most of the things that are worng in this house today are by my own doing I was not consistent enough in my requirements and things got Lazy One of the comments about how I have the slave I deserve was VERY true. I am becoing a Better Master so that I can have the slave that I want and I am doing that by learning as much as I can. Now that we have that can we get back to the Thread topic which seriously wasn't the relationship between my wife and I and what I do and what she does but rather about how one goes about getting out of a relationship what they think it is worth? As Always Steel

Prinsexx -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 7:50:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Then to answer your questions. Although I tried to state at the beginning and then someone else posted it on Page 2 this isn't about my current relationship and what we are doing to work through this, but I will answer your question anyway since it seems to be on a few minds. I Help with my son of course, as well as the Maintaince of this house such as paying the Bills and keeping the funds in Order as she is poor with money. I show her that she has Worth and isn't only good as a lesbians punching bag. I show her that she is going to be a wonderful mother by showing her how well are son is raised and reminding her that her Mother was and still is an alcoholic and as long as she never drinks again she won't have to follow in the same foot steps. I Take care of the things that she can't handle, such as maintaing the bills that need to be juggled to keep us from losing something like Phone or Power or Cable. I Maintain the Money and find places that she can get something special for herself. I cook nearly all the meals because she has problems making those decissions and well I'm just a better cook. I maintain the Car and keep it running as we both use it to get back and forth to work. I help her come to terms with the Kink that she enjoyes even though parts of her still think it is wrong to enjoy them and helping to work on the person she wants to be. I work on showing her how happy she can be without giving her limits to what she CAN'T do. I try to show her her greatest potential and then offer ways to getting to that goal. In short I try to give her the suppot she needs to be what she wants to be and the stability to learn these things in a safe environment. And in return I ask that she maintain responsibilities. I show her that she is beautiful in spite of what she thinks and I show her that I am committed to her regardless of what she does. The duties she has are to teach her responsibility that before doing the things that she wants there are things that HAVE to be done. Since letting her fail at the bills, at least for me is not an option, I gave her chores and as soon as she maintain them without fail we can move on to things that require responsibility. My wife is still very young and much of what she is learning now she never learned fro her Hippie Father and Alcoholic Mom so we are taking it slow but I still get upset from time to time. Don't get me wrong ladies I don't stop loving her because she doesn't get the list of duties I have set for her done, but I don't have to be happy that she didn't get them done. Nor do I have to just accept it either. I was never looking for advice on what I should do but rather if anyone could relate and what THEY did. I know what I am going to do and because of some of the great responces I now have a few extra added ideas to support the initial plan that we started after the last issue came to a head. The duties she has she has had since DAY ONE. I have a set list of requirements and in the beginning she was easily able to get everything done. Most of the things that are worng in this house today are by my own doing I was not consistent enough in my requirements and things got Lazy One of the comments about how I have the slave I deserve was VERY true. I am becoing a Better Master so that I can have the slave that I want and I am doing that by learning as much as I can. Now that we have that can we get back to the Thread topic which seriously wasn't the relationship between my wife and I and what I do and what she does but rather about how one goes about getting out of a relationship what they think it is worth? As Always Steel To all of the above: i think it's a really beautiful share. It just makes it all so much more real when it's a personal share like this . i suppose it's years and years of experiential training that makes me feel ok about being open and personal. i find it difficult to differentiate the personal and the intellectual more and more these days. i simply think the the inter-subjective approach more explicit but more powerful. So on a personal note: my mother was an alcoholic. i had no 'training' as a child, was raised in both squalour and with a morbid fear of her mood swings, and a sense that her benevolent moments were a result of, well, simply being drunk. It therefore never occurred to me that anyone could be benevolent and therefore mean it. In truth this has left me an emotional masochist: a state of being from which displeasure and pleasure, pain and love, reward and punishment have absolutely no differentiation, also within which one extreme cannot exist without the other. In general then, it seems that a person like me does need extremely directed tasks at the domestic level, which, for me, unforetuneately did not exist even in three failed vanilla marriages. Nevertheless, even within carefully directed instructions for everyday tasks, i still do not respond to reward or punishments as if they are differentiable. i do not respond to either criticism or acknowledgement with any clear sense of disparity. This has its downside and upside for me. i am an exceptionally high ahiever and enter into all things in a child like state of unawareness of risks. This has enabled me to be, for reasons unknown to me, both an exceptionally successful woman. an emotional wreck, determined and single minded and yet a sexual slave all at the same time. You go figure.....i can't. You have got the slave you deserve. You are an exceptionally caring dominant by all accounts in the way that you describe your role and your dividion of power. Emotional masochists? We grow old, yet we never grow up. We are aduilt survivors and might always remain as children longing for the parent we never had. With heart; Prinsexx

Maya2001 -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 8:54:26 PM)
Well Steel I tend to agree a lot with Michaels comments and I bet you when your girl is doing the same menial chores day after day she is also thinking am I really getting out of this relationship what I put in, the more she views the tasks as being unrewarding the less desire she will have to do, if you are then adding criticism ontop of it ...then you're going to have to expect her to feel resentment or sense of being overwhelmed on top of it or just plain frustration. you may also also want to record how the days go by the calendar, hormonal cycles affect mood, perceptions and energy, if you start noticing a 21 - 28 day trend if she has regular cycles you will know it is not intentional and that maybe providing her with help either in the form of a maid or chipping in yourself during the peak times periods (for some women have major hormonal level fluctuations compared to others. normal FSH being 3 to 30 but the higher the number gets the greater the moods swings and changes in energy, in the normal range I was very passive, when I was hitting in the 50 range as I am at now I can do a 180 degree mood change faster than you can snap a whip and comes out in the form of angry outbursts , there is no time for me the stop and clear my head to reason and can be directed at anyone even my bosses at work though something has to be said or done to trigger that reaction, when my FSH was at 80 to 100 I would be bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, often for no reason at all and could change from laughing to crying in seconds and episodes were occuring several times in a day I had absolutely no control ove , I was feeling at times like I was going insane due to how abruptly my moods changed... since the worst of the moodswings occured right after an hysterectomy even though ovaries were left in and I explained to the doctor what was happening,even though he thought it impossible but he decide to run the FSH bloodtests over a 3 month period just to see if it was the case and it confirmed that my ovaries had stopped functioning and I was not longer producing hormones, seeing now how I am now that my FSH is at 50 I suspect that starting around age 35 during PMS period of my cycle that my FSH levels were likely jumping outside of the normal high range causing me to become quickly short tempered which when it first started, I noted I felt more depressed and lethargic then as well...... so for a week out of every month I would quite out of sorts from my normal self. If this is the case with her by monitoring by calendar making her aware that she is in this phase and then expecting her to self control her behaviour may or may not work if the hormonal fluctuation is significant. I had one dog that was thyroid hormone deficient, the difference in her behaviour and personality was very intense when she was low was like the walking dead with severe fatigue, depression and severe fear anxieties. the place I got her from deemed her unadoptable but I suspected it was medically related so I asked if I could have her and asked my vet to run some tests, one being a thyroid panel which is what I suspected was wrong with her, in which it was determined she was hypothyroid later on thyroid hormone supplementation became she very spunky happy and outgoing, she became a totally different dog which even in photographs from the before and after the changes are very apparent ) I am mentioning this because you did say she would do fine for a couple of weeks and then suddenly let everything go so it may be worth recording her behaviour along with her menstrual cycles just to see if there is a trend between the 2 as it is possibly hormone related.

SimplyMichael -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 9:15:41 PM)
Steel, I think you are doing great but I have to be harsh here, you two are just kids and neither of you are self aware enough to pull this off without help. You are clearly co-dependant with her, she is the mess you need to feel better about yourself, I can see it in your writings. That does NOT make you bad, it is just a fact. You both need individual counseling or at least separate group therapy. Seriously, I think you are doing an amazing job but an amazing job for someone who isn't ready for what you are trying to do (I couldn't pull it off either without help) and I hope you look at my first advice and realize I am not chest thumping or putting you down. Anyone familiar with my style knows I am up front about my faults and my insults and I don't hold back on either, so again, please take what I am saying to heart. I have been in your exact situation, a woman I loved dearly and with whom I had amazing chemistry. Problems is sometimes that chemistry resulted in great sex, other times horrendous fights. You can't D/s your way out of the mess you are in because YOU are part of the problem. In my case I needed to deal with my anger issues which were tied into certain passive aggressive patterns around getting needs met. Took us three years to finally tire of ripping each others hearts out and she is one of the few ex partners I am not on friendly terms with. It took finding the right therapist and a bit of luck but it really helped me become a better and different person. I tended to and probably still do on some level, find it easier to fix someone else rather than fix myself. The path is inward, fix yourself and the rest will mend itself. What patterns in relationships can you see in yours? Why do you have the issues with her you do and not others? Relationships are a dynamic, we choose to allow certain people and not others into our lives, we then choose who out of that group to enter into relationships with, WE are far more involved in the sort of other person we end up with than we realize. I am sure some of this is going to piss you off, just remember that the stronger the reaction, the more likely that the point is true. Again, I am not saying you are bad or wrong, just that it is clear to me as someone who has been through what you are going through, that you need to find your pattern and deal with it. Only then can you work on being the person you could clearly become. I didn't start till I was 10-15 years older than you are now so you are starting young. I was always a talented dominant, even when I was new, I know that because of the reactions I got from women. However, as a person I sucked and I couldn't create the nurturing and joy filled relationship required to make a long term D/s relationship work. Clearly you are dominant and I am not questioning that, which is why I said D/s wasn't going to get you out of this. Becoming a better person and helping her become one (if she is willing to do the hard work) is the key to doing what you want to do. I do wish you the best of luck.

TreasureKY -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 9:21:51 PM)
As much as I'd like life to be fair and equitable, it just isn't. Sometimes I get little for my effort, but sometimes my return far exceeds my investment. That being understood, if I were in a relationship where I saw much more of the former than the latter, I'd look first to myself to see if my priorities and expectations had shifted away from those that my partner and I had originally "agreed" upon. You see, I try to avoid relationships where there is a tally sheet. While individual needs and desires should never be dismissed, a successful relationship (to me) should be based on strong mutual goals and compatibility. We need to have the same vision and we both need to be equally driven and committed to our shared ideals. Relationships should not be a win/lose proposition. Keeping priorities focused on a mutual goal helps to keep the situation win/win by providing positive reinforcement even in those times when individual sacrifices are necessary. However, maintaining a "team" attitude fosters vigilance against any one "team member" being unduly burdened with individual sacrifices. After all, a team is only as strong as its weakest member... and a good team works to protect and bolster each individual.

SimplyMichael -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 9:30:37 PM)
Steel, KY is on to something. Right now you two have a dynamic going on that is a negative spiral. You set goals, she fails them, you give her attention, you get to feel superior, and then the cycle repeats. Imagine instead tackling things as a team where the success and failure is the responsibility of both of you. Instead of being the superior teacher, you become the teammate and she becomes your equal (if only in this sense) and so the dynamic is changed. You can't "blame" her for failure and so need to learn to deliver the goods and because working with her helps ensure her success, you start overriding her old patterns with new and better ones. quote: While individual needs and desires should never be dismissed, a successful relationship (to me) should be based on strong mutual goals and compatibility. We need to have the same vision and we both need to be equally driven and committed to our shared ideals. Relationships should not be a win/lose proposition. Keeping priorities focused on a mutual goal helps to keep the situation win/win by providing positive reinforcement even in those times when individual sacrifices are necessary. Bingo!!!!

junecleaver -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 9:31:11 PM)
I felt like that at the beginning of our relationship and I think that had much to do with how quickly we jumped into things. I had to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about what he expected me to give and what I could expect him to give and what we both needed. Whenever I feel resentment or frustration like that, I need to talk about it immediately. Feelings like that are absolute poison to my relationships. They fester and eventually the relationship just cannot be salvage. In this particular scenario, the slave does not seem to grasp the way she is making you feel. Disappointed and I'm putting more into this than I'm getting out of it are different feelings, imo. Plus, you are enabling her by helping her out when she feels 'overwhelmed.' You are sending the message that she can let stuff build up and you'll just do it for her. When I was five, I tried to pull the same thing on my mom. My room would be so disgustingly messy that it looked like it would take days to get through. She would say I had to clean it before I could do x/y/z. Then I would try and start crying because it just seemed like too much, plus I was five. Just thinking about doing it made me cry. And every time it got that bad, my mom would sit in a chair and talk to me while I cleaned. Showing that she supported me, but that when I made a mess, I needed to clean it up myself. Figure out a way to show your slave that.

Kalista07 -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 9:45:34 PM)
quote: do you ever feel that what you are putting in isn’t worth what you are getting out and what do you do to try and fix this issue? Steel, i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to explain this as well as it goes in my head, but thought i'd give it a try. Sure, i feel that way occasionally. And in the fantasy world of D/s i would just crawl on my knees to Him and He would magically change things and we would all live happily ever after.....But....Since i'm forced to live here in the real damn world, it just doesn't work like that. i wish i could tell You that as soon as i feel this way, i talk to Him about it, we have this great and insightful conversation and suddenly everything has shifted and all is well with the world again. But, damn my life just doesn't work that way. So, when i feel this way, frankly what i do is try to do more. i know it doesn't sound normal or rational (and perhaps it's not) but i find that when i'm focused on me and not getting my need/wants met then i'm being selfish and self-centered. So, i tend to take my eyes and my focus off of me and i try and do something kind for Him. Because i live in reality this just does not occur in my relationship with Him, but frankly in most of my relationships. If i could make everyone do one thing i think it would be to focus on themselves just a little bit less. We (as a society) have become very 'me' focused. i understand that the D/s dynamics do factor into this, but on some level part of this is just relationship crap isn't it? i guess i'm fortunate because i have a friend who taught me years ago that most relationships are 80/20. If i know i'm going to give 80% then i can be content when i'm only needing to give 50%. {okay, that's not how he said it, but it's the basic jist of it}. Again, i have no idea if this makes any rational sense or not. Kali

TreasureKY -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 9:49:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 i guess i'm fortunate because i have a friend who taught me years ago that most relationships are 80/20. If i know i'm going to give 80% then i can be content when i'm only needing to give 50%. {okay, that's not how he said it, but it's the basic jist of it}. To be honest, I've always favored the idea that relationships should be 100/100. [;)]

Kalista07 -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 9:59:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY To be honest, I've always favored the idea that relationships should be 100/100. [;)] Treasure, Of course it "should" be......However, i have this tendency to get all bent out of shape if things are not as i think they should be....So, if my expectation is that i'm going to have to do more work than what i'll get back, then i'll just be that much more grateful and happy when things work out better than i planned... :D

SailingBum -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 10:06:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: derfrewop Being a Dom is hard work. Being in a relationship is hard work. . It just ain't so. If either was hard work I'd look for another job. BadOne

GreedyTop -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/21/2008 10:25:20 PM)
I'm going with colouredin here... sometimes the effort the other person is putting in isn't OBVIOUS because part of it may very well be internalized (and the person may not realize that, therefore be unable to verbalize it). What seems like an unwillingness to focus on tasks or whatever may be the outward manifestation of an inner conflict. I know that in past relationships, my insecurities would manifest as passive-aggressive behaviors (of course, I didn't know that THEN! LOL), so the effort I put in was often negative effort, but no less of an effort the partner was putting in - in fact, usually, my PAB would quickly outstrip my partners efforts. Ok, I'm tired.. I hope like hell that made sense, and addressed your OP, Steel!

fairerthanshe -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/22/2008 12:35:54 AM)
Greetings, What works in our relationship is this. SJ does all the cooking and what he gets out of it is eating his own fabulous food - not that I am a bad cook, simply that he is a great one (I do the baking) I do all the cleaning and what I get out of it is that I do all the cleaning and that for me is a treat not a chore - or rather it is a time to meditate and imagine all the possibilities and clear my head - so I thoroughly enjoy cleaning. I also get to eat all the yummy food. SJ cares for me, for my well being, so he looks after me and makes sure I get enough rest, that I drink enough water, calls the accupuncturist and sets my appointments sometimes, and what he gets out of it is a healthier slave. I care for him by giving him pedicures weekly, easing his life of little tasks, being his sounding board and marketing guru, relieving his stress and what I get out of it is a Dom who isn't stressed to the point of busting. We quickly fell into a pattern which works for us and to me its incredibly equitable in a decidedly M/s fashion. We each know our roles and how we fit together and if either of us were not getting what we needed/wanted/desired from the this, then we would discuss it. Generally, our talks are easy and organic with no huge dramatic turns. The compatability facor is extremely high in our relationship and I think this contributes greatly to how our interlocking puzzle pieces have meshed. well wishes ~ fairer than she

Justme696 -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/22/2008 3:25:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum quote: ORIGINAL: derfrewop Being a Dom is hard work. Being in a relationship is hard work. . It just ain't so. If either was hard work I'd look for another job. BadOne mmm yes..if it would feel like work I would move on. My last relation was hard work in the end....from my side..because I was blind...I stepped out. Now I have a relation...that just is happening.

darklachrymosa -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/22/2008 5:09:30 AM)
I agree. On one hand, it indicates a marked lack of discipline, but really, that's fairly common in the early 20's, so no big deal. On the other hand, though...having been diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder myself, this certainly sounds a little like that. Major depressive disorder for me means when I get sad, I stay that way. Indefinitely. It literally feels like a great huge hand is pressing me down, holding me in bed or on the couch, and I'm quite literally unable to function. If this is the case, then professional help is certainly in order, and it doesn't stop there. Even with help, that's what - half an hour a week? An hour? There's a lot more time to get through, and your support is vital to maintaining a healthy balance. Yeah, it would be great to have a nice house robot to do all your chores for you - but the mental/emotional health of someone you care for should be far more important. Helping her shows you care and you're willing to be there for her. I've noticed in myself that when I look at one large thing to do, like clean the house, it's so overwhelming I'm convinced I'll never get it done, so why bother to try? In my past, this attitude has bled into other areas of my life as well. Help her break it down into bite-sized pieces. I used to quite literally write specific tasks in my planner for each day, like sweep/mop the kitchen floor or fold laundry. That way things got done, and the satisfaction of crossing each item off was immense. I could look at the day and see a list of completed items instead of laying in bed tallying everything I didn't do. Personally, I would get rid of the TV if it's that much of a problem. Or cancel the cable. Currently, I work a full time job while taking 15-18 credit hour class loads (and we wonder why I'm insane!). I got DSL to avoid having cable, and refused to get an antenna to pick up local TV stations. My roommate and I have Netflix for the weekends. I knew that if I had TV, I'd watch that instead of writing papers or studying corporate finance (you would too. Finance is rather dry). If you're so busy that helping around the house really stresses you out, then you don't need one anyway. In essence - simplify. I think that our ultra-modern lifestyle with its technologically advanced time-saving achievements traps us more than the original tasks ever did.....but that's a whole different rant. In regards to relationships in general - I think the modern approach is that love is always supposed to be this warm cuddly soft thing, with flowers and candlelight. In reality, it's not. Love is the screaming, icy fights, the holding her hair back when it's the flu or catering to his aching whim when it's strep (men are SO insufferable when they're ill! heh). It's easy to be there for the candlelight and the tender romantic sex (or the lovely gagged sex that leaves you with bruises on your back), but it's not so easy to stick around when it gets hard. And that's what really proves your love; that you're willing to take the time and mend the disagreement, or clear up the misunderstanding and patch things up; that you're willing to stand by her and vice versa when illness or whatever means she's not the vibrant beautiful sexy creature you fell for, but a broken human being in need of understanding. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, and the fights aren't always easy battles.

LaTigresse -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/22/2008 5:22:38 AM)
Using FR......... Steel, pay a great deal of attention to what Treasure and Michael have written. It makes a great deal of sense. Getting some therapy really is the best answer. The reason being, very very few people are able to take a step back from themself and view their actions, emotions and patterns of behaviour, like a therapist. Someone that has no emotional investment in who is right or wrong, etc. They can simply help you see where you are sabotaging yourself and your relationships and then help you find a way to end that pattern. Because right now, if you continue, sadly this relationship probably will not survive. If it matters to you, then you will do what you need to make it work so that both feel they are getting what they deserve.

colouredin -> RE: ~What you are getting and what that's worth.~ (3/22/2008 5:27:46 AM)
I think the problem is that we are always thinking in terms of value. For example I have two sisters and a brother, I was at university while one of my sisters and my brother were in collage and the other sister was working fulltime. At christmas she spent a lot of money of gifts, I couldnt afford to neither could the others, she got funny about it "gosh i spent all this" well yeah, it kinda fits with the charity thing, if a poor man owns £1 and gives 50p to charity and a rich man owns £100,000 and gives £100 to charity the poor man has given more, not literally but to him he has. As the.dark said, irregardless if I genuienly felt that I was never getting enough back from the relationship then I would end it. But I try not to keep score (I know its hard) There have been many cases when I dont think the other has put any effort into the relationship and they normally end very badly, but that really was my problem because I was thinking, now wait ive done this and this and this and they have only done this. Well it was my choice to give what I gave not anyone elses, its not my fault that they didnt give the same amount, simply it was that we were ona differant page, the relationship still wouldnt have worked but its no ones FAULT. Emotional support is what a relationship is about, its about being there, its not about the stuff you do for them, its not about who bought the milk in the morning and who has made the most cups of tea, its about whether your partner makes your life shine that little bit brighter, if it does then isnt it worth giving as much as you can? If you feel that they arent giving as much and the relationship isnt great then whats the point, but I know that I would give anything now for a moment of happiness, its a case of balancing what you feel. Its not about who gives what.

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