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Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 8:43:57 PM

justt13

Posts: 25
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline

Hi all...
I am entering a possible relationship with a Dom who has a lot less experience than I do. I don't know how I feel about "training" a Dom...it's seems very out of place for me. I also don't know how much to tell him about my past experience. I don't want to intemidate him. My first spanking was so mild, yet he was worried about hurting me. I don't want to scare him away by asking him to spank me harder.

I'd be interested to hear about other peoples' experiences in any similiar situations. Thank you.

< Message edited by justt13 -- 3/21/2008 8:59:19 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 8:45:20 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

It's only a problem if she's a snob about it, and looks down her nose at him. And don't even go there, about former masters-and how great they were.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 2

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 9:01:00 PM

GeneGG

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

take a look at
http://www.bdsmmentors.com/
and see if that would help

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 3

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 9:12:54 PM

justt13

Posts: 25
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline

That sounds like it would have a lot of potential...but I'm not sure how I would suggest it...he is very private about his lifestyle, even more so than me...but I might be able to think of a way.

(in reply to GeneGG)

Post #: 4

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 9:21:32 PM

TwistedLeather

Posts: 189
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

Have your Dom get a mentor of sorts, if you're serious about it. Otherwise, i wouldn't feel right training my Dom. It'd be like teaching my boss to BE my boss, and takes away from the whole structure thing in the beginning. Frustrating, but if you can get through that, it may be well worth it.

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 5

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 10:02:56 PM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

Oh, I don't know, maybe you should dump him.

That is, unless you like playing with Ken dolls.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 6

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 10:06:32 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

It's only a problem if she's a snob about it

Ditto. Just communicate what you think might work for you two.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 7

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 10:20:58 PM

candisa

Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline

greetings justt13,

I am not a teacher, so I certainly would struggle with the different level of experiences. could be just a mental block thing, but it falls under the I don't date younger men then myself either. I tend to look for an authority figure, something about an experienced man, makes me smile. for me, he should be a nice place to fall into and know his experience will help guide me.

_____________________________

respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 8

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 10:25:10 PM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

So, he's trying, right? So, it's not completely satisfying right now, right? Do you have confidence that it will be? Then try to see this as an opportunity to build something outstanding with your dom.

You don't have to teach him anything. Just communicate. You're right in not telling him what other doms did. Instead of telling him what they did, tell him what you like. (I love to be spanked. I liked it when you held my hands behind my back and called me a slut.) Whatever you like, just tell him without involving anyone but you. When he tells you what he likes and doesn't like, listen carefully and make changes if necessary.

Also, if he is willing to learn, put the education in his hands. There are several great books, check here... http://www.extremerestraints.com/fetish-books_23/instructional-and-how-to_24/. Most of these books are probably on amazon, as well. Show him this and encourage him to create a profile and participate in the discussion boards. Just make sure you equip him with a flame retardant suit first.

Understand that this is a process for him, and will grow from there. You didn't start out knowing what you wanted or what you liked, but you've learned since. It's not about teaching him, exactly, more about giving him the tools to let him teach himself. Praise the effort, not the act, and yes, it's ok, to say, I loved you spanking me. It didn't really hurt. I'd love it if you were to try a little harder next time.

My Lord has way more experience than I do, which is often intimidating. He himself has no "formal" training, but knows me, and has enough sexual experience overall to help us move forward. It is especially intimidating since he handed me the reigns of our exploration and told me to approach him with what I would like to try and he will take it into consideration. This is not to say that I run things. The larger part of the excitement is wondering what pleasures he'll take me to next! My job is to do the research, then discuss openly.

The hardest part for me, which is funny since I never shut up, was communication. It just felt awkward trying to tell him what I wanted when it sounded so outlandishly kinky to me. I've managed to overcome that boundary, and HOW!! If you are serious about your relationship, and you two care about each other, things will grow from that. At least, that's how I see it. If not, that will become apparent in time.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to chiaThePet)

Post #: 9

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 11:11:15 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Get over yourself. Serve him by helping him become a great dom. Don't let your ideas of what a "sub should do" get in the way of what your dom requires and desires you to do for him, or else you'll miss a lot of great opportunities.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to StormsSlave)

Post #: 10

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/21/2008 11:31:45 PM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Get over yourself. Serve him by helping him become a great dom. Don't let your ideas of what a "sub should do" get in the way of what your dom requires and desires you to do for him, or else you'll miss a lot of great opportunities.

Outstanding advice.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 1:05:22 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

I've done this before, it's no big deal to me really. A dominant guy will need less teaching, than he does a little nudge in the right direction. Then again, I'm a very vocal subbie, so I suppose its easier that way.

My advise is, be a little more vocal than you might usually be... It doesn't have to be words, squeals and sighs work just as well. There's also nothing wrong with "Harder" if he is afraid he is going to hurt you. Also, set up a safe word. While you might be sure that you won't have to use it with him, it is also going to make him feel a little more comfortable. He now knows that if he hurts you, you'll say something about it. Maybe set up something like "Yellow, Red" instead of just "Red"

If you don't feel comfortable showing him how to use something like a flogger, or rope ties, go to a demo about it. I know there are lots always going on in Atlanta.

Trust me, if this is something he likes, and if it's something that really "clicks" for him, he'll pick it up in no time. :)

(in reply to StormsSlave)

Post #: 12

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 3:23:08 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: justt13

Hi all...
I am entering a possible relationship with a Dom who has a lot less experience than I do. I don't know how I feel about "training" a Dom...it's seems very out of place for me. I also don't know how much to tell him about my past experience. I don't want to intemidate him. My first spanking was so mild, yet he was worried about hurting me. I don't want to scare him away by asking him to spank me harder.

I'd be interested to hear about other peoples' experiences in any similiar situations. Thank you.

honesty is always the best way to step into a relationship, so who are you fooling?
Tell Him who you're and where you're coming from, that's the best way to make this work.
He can use some help, and if it's not from you then from a friend or even someone online for Him to grow further, and better.

I wish Yyou both enough.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 13

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 4:08:22 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Seems that there are three sections to this post so Im going to address each one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justt13

Hi all...
I am entering a possible relationship with a Dom who has a lot less experience than I do. I don't know how I feel about "training" a Dom...it's seems very out of place for me.

If you really dont want to do it then you dont have to, there isnt a rule about it. It depends how comfy you feel with the guy etc you have to work out how you feel about it. At the end of the day if you dont think that its worth it then dont do it. There are plenty of subs that would be willing to do it. I for example wouldnt want to purely because I dont feel confident enough myself, I started all this with Kinky nillas, and I didnt know what I wanted either so I couldnt really work out what to ask. However if you are totally sure about where you are then there isnt that much of a problem. It depends on the guy too, he obviously wants to learn etc, experiance is a subjective thing and I guess it depends what you mean by 'training' if you mean teaching him how much pain you can take, well everyone has to do that. If its how skilled he is with various 'props' there are workshops and also its a kind of practice practice practice thing.

quote:

I also don't know how much to tell him about my past experience. I don't want to intemidate him.

Think of this in nilla terms, would you go up to a new boyfriend and say, ohh my old boyfriend gave the best head or whatever? No probably not, dont attach it to experiances in that way, just say oh you know what I like. You dont have to go into loads of details about what you have done. The thing is people often ask questions that they really dont want to know, like the how many men have you slept with one, it doesnt matter what you say it will upset them "WHAT!?! ONE!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN".

quote:

My first spanking was so mild, yet he was worried about hurting me. I don't want to scare him away by asking him to spank me harder.

Well why would it scare him away? You dont have to say "god that was crap" you can say, oh that was really great you know I think that I would be able to take that a little harder. If you make it about you then its not offensive. Its good that he isnt just whacking you with no knowledge of your pain threshhold. Also you dont have to verbalise everything, you can make satisfied moans and all that (I mean have you never had to do that to get an orgasm from a nilla bloke? I know I have)

Good luck with it, the only thing I want to say now really is dont go with the opinion that you are superiour to him, that wouldnt make for a good experiance, see it less as training and more as walking together towards a more mutually fullfilling relationship.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 14

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 4:16:02 AM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

I would encourage both of you to attend some group functions. I'm not particularly a fan of groups but it can be a great place to learn new techniques, how to play safely, and to get a better idea of what may interest him.

If he is really a dom at heart his natural proclivities will take over. Please bear in mind that most men hear from day 1 not to hit women. He has a lot of "baggage" to rethink early on.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 15

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 5:08:38 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

As Em said, get over yourself.
I had far more time in BDSM enviroments than Darcy, but that doesn't make me more experienced. Same goes for you. Your not training him, your serving him. Think of it as training, the relationship is already doomed to fail. Don;t compare him to past dominants or experiences. If he did a mild spanking, that could be his way anyway - or he may get rougher with confidence - who knows? But it's your decision whether you can submit to that - so take some responsibility for your decisions.

Forget looking for a mentor. That's pointless. Instead, offer him suggestions on reading matter and attend workshops so he has the ability to encounter many teachers, not just one mentor he has to emulate. Request you can attend with him - it's not about you training, it is about him making the decisions to move forward at his pace with this.

Concentrate of submitting and forget the experience you think you have over him and that you will end up training him. That worked for us.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 16

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 6:15:14 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

as a newbie, this slave sought ONLY experienced folks for friendship as well as for possible consideration for a relationship. this slave didn't want to invest her feelings with someone inept at Dominance.

the things you present here:
"...don't know how much to tell him about my past experience"
"...don't want to intemidate him"
"...don't want to scare him away by asking him to spank me harder."
are BIG reasons why this slave gave up attempting to find a compatible vanilla partner. upon discovering the BDSM community, she dove in for friendship and **possibly** a relationship with someone who wouldn't be so easily squicked by something as tame as a light spanking. Also, experience leads to confidence~insecurity was this slave's hard limit when looking for a friend or a partner.

this newbie thought she would have to leave the US to visit a dungeon. Master happily proved her wrong.

some folks aren't good trainers, even if you do take what others have suggested and "get over yourself". no matter how much of this slave's self she is over, she is a miserable and ineffective leader/guide/trainer(unless we are talking dogs and not human beings), but Master is working with His slave on that.

this slave would encourage you to be open and honest with Him about your needs, wants, desires, experience and concerns, in a calm, respectful way.

if he runs away, perhaps he wasn't a good fit for you.

good luck!!!

(in reply to justt13)

Post #: 17

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 6:39:15 AM

justt13

Posts: 25
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline

Thank you so much for all the posts. I really appreciate the wide variety of wisdom shared. I think I will continue with him, but slowly to see how all the D/s develops or doesn't. But Yes, I will focus on the communication too! It's so early in the relationship, that I think I still have the ability to decide if he is the man I want to submit to or not. I'm really looking for a man who upon know him for just a small amount of time, I feel an overwhelming need to drop to my knees and serve. It seems that a more experienced/confident man does that for me...unfortunately the only two men who have done that for me are my "training" Dom, who is not looking for an LTR, and a man who lives over 3 hours away from me.

Thanks again!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 18

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 6:43:24 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Get over yourself. Serve him by helping him become a great dom. Don't let your ideas of what a "sub should do" get in the way of what your dom requires and desires you to do for him, or else you'll miss a lot of great opportunities.

LA beat me to it...lying and holding back isn't exactly the foundation I would want to build a relationship on.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 6:58:34 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

fr
how would you feel if an experienced Master/Dom had this attitude about you when you were an inexperienced sub? Pretty demeaning in my opinion.
All of us, no matter what our level of experience, bring something of value to the relationship. Keep your eyes open and i think you will be amazed at what you can learn from a new Dom.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 20

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