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RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 6:02:36 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		i used to judge myself by the money i had.....like wtf? happened to the money i used to have?
i've been through three vanilla marriages and ended up raising three kids single handedly because of being true to myself.
If anyone wants to judge me, on any issues, be it for the size of my house, its state of repair, or the state of my mind then it's their issue and not mine.
i have enough problems judging myself as worthy and that is still taking its time although it costs me a lot less than it used to.
i haven't got that much space in my head left for judging another's judgement of my judgement of my self worth if you see kind of how complex it all gets.
We all come into this world with nothing. And death is the greatest leveller of them all.
In between the two events kids grow out of one set of wallmart clothes into another pretty quickly and the furniture falls apart. Then the kids leave anyway.

My self worth these days? Well i pretty much confess to being a little co-dependant upon what Master thinks....but since He doesn't give a shit about the size of my house that's ok....
oh what the hell...let the new man come and get to know you. If he looks down his nose at your armchairs get him to buy you some more.
PS one of my vanillas was/is a millionaire and he used to pay more attention to the state of the carpets than me. i walked (and left the deep-pile shag behind for good).
Welcome to collarme..........some folks say i'm fucked even here AND without seeing the state of my carpets.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 3/22/2008 6:06:31 PM >

(in reply to hissweetbella)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 6:06:22 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So remind him ahead of time again that you are one of those people. Tell him you live in a little, rundown place because it's either pay the lower rent or not feed your ums. And tell him that because of his comments in the past, you are feeling insecure about having him over.

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RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 6:18:50 PM   
TethersEnd


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		Bella, chin up .... there isnt a thing you can do about.  
I once kept someone from my home for very similar reasons, I was ashamed by a comparison I made in my own mind. 
Sometime later and in a different home with even less to offer, there was no where to hide my social standing leaving me with the only mind set I could have which was "this is it, judge as you will".  Although humbling to offer such a stark truth it will reveal acceptance or put an end to the game.  Either way the truth is the truth and I wish you all the best. 



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RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 6:33:24 PM   
sirguym


Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline 		There are many who live in a slum because they have to, but make their home a palace of cleanliness, love, caring and pride
(even if the furniture, carpets, curtains, etc. may have seen better days.)

There are others who can turn a palace into a slum, depite the best efforts of those around them.

If you're one of the former group he ought to be proud of and for you.

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RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 6:54:20 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella
Part of me knows he won't care, but part of me is worried that he has a picture in his head that is better than what i have described and that he will be turned off when he gets here.  Totally my issue, i know, but it really has me upset.


The issue here doesn't appear to be incomes or lifestyles as much as it is attitudes. He probably won't think anything of it in regard to you in particular because he knows what your financial situation is and he is evidently as attached to you as you are to him. It's evident that he has a certain attitude toward other folks in the same position as you who are not you, however. Maybe a visit will do him some good and improve that attitude a bit.

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RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 7:14:30 PM   
Poetryinpain


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Joined: 3/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

So remind him ahead of time again that you are one of those people. Tell him you live in a little, rundown place because it's either pay the lower rent or not feed your ums. And tell him that because of his comments in the past, you are feeling insecure about having him over.


BINGO! It's that old "communicate, communicate, communicate" thing. Communication can be a wonderful thing. Wish I could remember to use it more often. Thanks for the reminder, DesFIP.

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RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 11:00:23 PM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

There's a saying that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat the waitress. 

I think he's already shown his true colors by the comments he's made about "those" people.  He apparently considers himself better than "those" people because someone gave him a chunk of money that he did not have to earn.  Lucky him. 

I personally would invite him right into the house with  my head held high.  You have nothing to be ashamed of and a lot to be proud of, that you've provided your UM's with a home, food, clothes and love. 

Isn't it better to find out now if he's going to love you for who you are and not your financial status, before you invest too much more of yourself in the relationship?   


I agree totally with windchymes. I have two friends that bring this to mind. They are both wealthy, not just rich, but wealthy.They both grew up hard and poor in Chicago. One started work by selling magazine subscriptions door to door , the other started by wrecking (doing demolition ) with hand tools only. Both of these men show a respect  and regard for every working person I've ever seen them interact with, whether employee, waitress or whomever..One still does some shopping at Walmart because he wears mostly plaid shirts, jeans and work boots, but his adress is in one of the most exclu$$ive builings on Chicago's gold coast.

I also know a few who inherited wealth or their daddies paved their way.Often, their behavior is so offensive, I no longer choose to subject myself to it.

Having said that, I agree with the rest of windchymes post as well.. Invite him in with your head held high and the dignity you've earned.

Best wishes to you !

< Message edited by cjan -- 3/22/2008 11:04:32 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: nervous as can be - 3/22/2008 11:19:18 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Wondering if by now it's happened ... and how it went. But I would reiterate an earlier poster's comment of make sure it's clean and reasonably tidy ... by that I don't mean show-home tidy where no one looks like they live there! That's cold and downright unattractive to Me. But I do mean, put enough toys away to make it safe to navigate the floors, plump the cushions a bit, straighten stuff up, and if you can, bring in some flowers from the garden into a vase. Fresh flowers always make a house look like a home. Just make it a warm and inviting space ... that will do wonders! And don't run around pointing out all the flaws, all the things that need fixing, ignore them. He probably won't even notice them. And hopefully His opinions will be expanded by His contact with you, and that can't be bad either! Good luck!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 2:16:49 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		At OP

he likes you as a person..at least he should....therefor he should accept you as you are..including all.
IF you hide things now, you might give the wrong impression. DOn't change more to your place...then you do normally when visitors come.

About his remark....we all have flaws and say things by time..we don't really mean..because we are not even able to judge.
PErhaps that is why he comes..to learn...but mostly... I think he just wants to be part of your life.
It doesn't need to be all negative  ;)
enjoy his visit.

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RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 5:48:35 AM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

My question is this.  Have any of you had relationships work out when the parties have very different incomes and lifestyles?  His comments about regular people have become fewer and fewer, so i believe they were said without thinking.  i don't think for one second that he intended to hurt my feelings.  i'm just so nervous right now that i'm rambling, so i'm going to just wait for your responses.


Yes, R and I had vastly different lifestyles and incomes. He was a millionaire when I met him and I was a single mom barely scraping by. He occasionally made comments about lower income people..and I spoke right up and reminded him.."I am one of those people"....it worked out, we have been together almost a decade.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 6:04:33 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

My question is this.  Have any of you had relationships work out when the parties have very different incomes and lifestyles?  His comments about regular people have become fewer and fewer, so i believe they were said without thinking.  i don't think for one second that he intended to hurt my feelings.  i'm just so nervous right now that i'm rambling, so i'm going to just wait for your responses.


Yes, R and I had vastly different lifestyles and incomes. He was a millionaire when I met him and I was a single mom barely scraping by. He occasionally made comments about lower income people..and I spoke right up and reminded him.."I am one of those people"....it worked out, we have been together almost a decade.

lucky bitch

(in reply to BeingChewsie)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 6:13:32 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline 		Well, Sir and i had a long talk last night.  i reminded him that i live in a small home in a safe but definitely not affluent neighborhood, and i told him i was really nervous about him coming over because of the comments he has made in the past.  He seemed surprised, actually, that i felt nervous at all.  He said i wasn't one of those people, that i am one of his people.  So, he will be here tomorrow afternoon.

Everything is kept neat and clean, so there isn't a lot to do, but i loved the idea of putting fresh flowers in the house.  i am planning on making a nice dinner for him and having his favorite drinks and snacks on hand.  Is there anything else i should do?  Maybe take a tranquilizer before he gets here??  *just joking*

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 6:21:03 AM   
hissweetbella


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

My question is this.  Have any of you had relationships work out when the parties have very different incomes and lifestyles?  His comments about regular people have become fewer and fewer, so i believe they were said without thinking.  i don't think for one second that he intended to hurt my feelings.  i'm just so nervous right now that i'm rambling, so i'm going to just wait for your responses.


Yes, R and I had vastly different lifestyles and incomes. He was a millionaire when I met him and I was a single mom barely scraping by. He occasionally made comments about lower income people..and I spoke right up and reminded him.."I am one of those people"....it worked out, we have been together almost a decade.


BeingChewsie,

When you would remind him that you were one of "those" people, did he ever say anything like my Sir said last night, that i wasn't one of those peole, i am one of his people.  i'm not really sure how to take that comment, even though he seemed like he was just trying to reassure me.  Maybe i'm just being too sensitive, but i just don't like the distinction being made between the wealthy and the rest of us.  Money can be gone in the blink of an eye and then they would be right along side us working and trying to make ends meet.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 6:38:59 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		hissweetbella, I think he may be talking more about your character than anything else.  "Not being one of those people", meaning one of those people who expect everything to be handed to them, given to them because they are not "one of those people with money".  Obviously he knows that you work very hard for what you have and that shows that you have character and pride.   It may be a poor choice of words on his part, but it could possibly be the only way he knows to say that he admires you for what you've done with your life "with limited means".    A diamond in the rough, perhaps.    Enjoy your time with him. 

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 6:45:21 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kallisto

hissweetbella, I think he may be talking more about your character than anything else.  "Not being one of those people", meaning one of those people who expect everything to be handed to them, given to them because they are not "one of those people with money".  Obviously he knows that you work very hard for what you have and that shows that you have character and pride.   It may be a poor choice of words on his part, but it could possibly be the only way he knows to say that he admires you for what you've done with your life "with limited means".    A diamond in the rough, perhaps.    Enjoy your time with him. 


kallisto
Bloody well rocks what you just said and in my opinion is probably spot on.
 
the.dark.

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RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 6:47:51 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
kallisto
Bloody well rocks what you just said and in my opinion is probably spot on.

the.dark.


could you BE any more English :P


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RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 6:53:38 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

Spike - "Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent.  You Englishmen are always so...Bloody hell! - Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!!!
*Buffy*


the.dark.

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 7:38:53 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella
When you would remind him that you were one of "those" people, did he ever say anything like my Sir said last night, that i wasn't one of those peole, i am one of his people.  i'm not really sure how to take that comment, even though he seemed like he was just trying to reassure me.  Maybe i'm just being too sensitive, but i just don't like the distinction being made between the wealthy and the rest of us.


I would have asked "How do I differ from those people?". You have given this guy several opportunities to show you his true colors regarding this issue and he has showed them pretty loud and clear. If I were in your shoes I would be curious if there were other "distinctions" this guy harbors that have yet to float to the surface.

Then again... if being a rich snob is his only flaw it might not be such a bad thing.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 7:55:41 AM   
Phoenix2raven


Posts: 347
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline 		I would simply ask him to stop making comments like that. Make it clear and respectful. If he has an explanation for saying such things ask him and find out why he is thinking that way. You may be surprised or disappointed but most importantly you will know what kind of person he is and be able to decide if this kind of thing is a deal breaker? The other question I would ask myself is do I want that around my ums. If my answer is no then it becomes very simple. You say no, red, deal breaker etc. if he continues it then dump him.  

< Message edited by Phoenix2raven -- 3/23/2008 7:56:39 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: nervous as can be - 3/23/2008 8:04:56 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Drink decaf, it won't wind you up so much.

I come from a wealthy family. I've never had to battle. The Man never has a dime left at the end of the month because it all goes to keep his kids in the house they've grown up in. He used to be able to afford that mortgage, then he lost his job. He earns a respectable income but not at the level he used to have.

And I have a usually jaundiced view of people with no money because they have so often tried to use me for my money. Ever had people pretend to be friends because they wanted to be invited along on vacation? I have. Ever had people snipe at you behind your back because they're eaten up with envy? I have. Ever had people just want to borrow your clothes and then never bring them back? I have.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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