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D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 11:54:18 AM   
serenity2u


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/9/2004
From: MSN
Status: offline 		I believe safety is number one in this lifestyle. I have been in it for 7 years online only ,because im looking for particular features like honesty and faithfulness.. I have watched many rooms and have made a list of what to lookout for .. These are exact to this day if anyone can add more please do but I want the newbies and ones starting out in this choice of living to be able to fend from predators and fakes.. So copy and post anywhere you need too to remind you when you get a IM next time or email.. Safety is vitally important .so here it is:
The D and S Wannabe

I HAVE HAD MANY SUBS WHO HAVE CAME TO ME HURT,CONFUSED,AND DEVASTATED BY WANNA BE DOMS AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE COMPILED...IT MAY NOT BE AS YOU SEE IT OR ANYONE ELSE...THESE ARE MY COMPILED THOUGHTS AND IDEAS ON HOW YOU SPOT A WANNABE



D/S IS ABOUT THE POWER OF LOVE...RATHER THAN THE LOVE OF POWER

THE WANNABE
1.If you meet a dom/domme and they ask to be your sub and they want sex right off the bat.

2.If they have a empty bio...sure enough sign they come in as someone else...

3.If they don't make you rules to follow....

4.If you ask a question and their response is talk about it later and you never get the answer so you have to look elsewhere for it

5.If you meet them r/t and find out they have no toys at the house but a nice wife/hubby they forgot to tell you about

5.If they cant seem to take control of the relationship

6.If you find them in private but not with you

7.If you just meet them and all of a sudden they want you as a sub

8.If you ask them questions about the d and s lifestyle and he cant seem to answer it

9.If you see them in locate and look at bio notice another name on it

11.If they haven't been online for days and they cant explain or tell you why

12.If they don't give you an email or icq to get intouch with them, besides vp

13.If they ask you for money and gifts More to come



TO ALL SUBS:
IF YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR A DOMME OR DOM HERE ARE A FEW GUIDELINES

1. Watch that dom/domme that you are interested in, how they act, the way they carry themselves in public rooms

2. Dont rush things let them time take its course

3. Ask around how he/she are as doms/dommes, and get different opinions

4.If you find a Dom/Domme just dont jump into the relationship, this is why many have been left hurt.

5.Always ask questions..how are you to learn about that person if you dont




Please remember....You are the gift as sub....it is precious.....make sure it is taken good care of....

_____________________________

serenity
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 1:01:13 PM   
kiki blue


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline 		I think the best advice to give anyone is to use your common sense. Getting involved with someone you meet online can be tricky, depending on the person. If something doesn't ring true, bring it up, but remember - it's not what you say, but how you say it.

Be honest with yourself, to start with, and then be honest with them. If you have a partner already, say so. If you're new, admit to it, there's nothing wrong with that. Don't do things you don't feel comfortable with. Don't be afraid to speak up, or think that because you identify as submissive or slave you can't have an opinion. If someone wants a doormat, tell them to go to K-Mart.

If you're looking for a serious relationship, then be honest about it, with yourself and with the people you talk to. Don't base your life on "finding The One". Again, use common sense, and talk to other people about what you're feeling and thinking.

I personally don't see submission as a gift, but you are precious, and it's your first responsibility to take of yourself.

_____________________________

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

(in reply to serenity2u)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 1:18:04 PM   
SherriA


Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: serenity2u

I believe safety is number one in this lifestyle. I have been in it for 7 years online only ,because im looking for particular features like honesty and faithfulness.. I have watched many rooms and have made a list of what to lookout for .. These are exact to this day if anyone can add more please do but I want the newbies and ones starting out in this choice of living to be able to fend from predators and fakes.. So copy and post anywhere you need too to remind you when you get a IM next time or email.. Safety is vitally important .so here it is:


I responded to this in the "ask a submissive forum" but wanted to note something else.

Your BEST safety feature if you're online is that little red X in the upper right hand corner. It's words on a screen, and you can shut them off any time you want. Close the window, shut down, disengage.

That old adage about sticks and stonte really does have some merit. It's words on a screen, and you're in no physical jeopardy from them. Feeling threatened? Close the window. Threat neutralized.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to serenity2u)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 1:32:57 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		I would just tell most to just set auto ignore with the words Dom, domme, Master, mistress, Lord, Sir, etc in their screen names or their references to themselves. Same goes on the opposite end with someone claiming their submission by naming themselves slave, sub, slut, whore, etc. Just seems that these type of people are trying so hard to force a certain image down anothers throat right off the bat rather then letting their words talk for themselves.

Secondly, I'd disagree about wanting to meet relatively soon after talking online. Meeting with the intended statement to jump into positions on the first sight is absurd and to be avoided in most circumstances but to just want to meet up and ensure that the person isn't trying to hide is a good thing. Also helps to ward off the secret lives club.

Sidenote: There are no absolute rules that apply to everyone just rules for your own personal experiences. My rules are far stricter than most as has come to a head multiple times here just in My short while on the boards. Your rules may work for you but they would be immediately contradicted by many of my own personal rules.

Also for a sub you seem rather pushy but perhaps thats just your bitterness showing. Nothing personal just letting you know with that type of attitude right out of the gate you're not likely to attract very many "real" Doms or Masters.

< Message edited by afmvdp -- 7/17/2004 1:49:16 PM >

(in reply to SherriA)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 1:42:46 PM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		I totally agree with you Sherri. Sure, at any given time, any of those things *can* mean someone is not what they say, but it means litte. I don't always fill in profiles. I don't cyber, so being in private means nothing more than an easier way to chat at times. And a *gift* is something you give without expectations in return.... most submissives I know have *expectations* of getting *something* out of their submission.

Don't get me wrong Serenity, there is nothing wrong with you having a list like this,, but it reminds me of those *one size fits all* shirts... they are great when you are a 34B, but when you are a 36F they really don't fit at all....

((on a REALLY weird side note, this post disappeared unless I moved back on browser))

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to SherriA)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 1:54:29 PM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		::smacking my forehead:: ahhh, I made the same post in a different spot! Guess that's why I only pick one place to stick a topic, I'm easily confused :)

::grumbles:: and where you will always be *indecent* Sherri, I don't want to lose my handcuffs to those paddles which I will be stuck with for years!

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to EStrict)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 2:00:05 PM   
SherriA


Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afmvdp
Also for a sub you seem rather pushy but perhaps thats just your bitterness showing. Nothing personal just letting you know with that type of attitude right out of the gate you're not likely to attract very many "real" Doms or Masters.


Um, I don't identify as a "sub". To me, a "sub" is an underwater sailing vessel or a large sandwich. And other than a nasty rumour that's being spread about me at the moment, I don't think I have anything to be bitter about. I'm generally a reasonably content person.

Fortunately, I'm not interested in attracting anyone, including "real" doms or masters, which I think is rather clear in my profile.

< Message edited by SherriA -- 7/17/2004 2:01:20 PM >

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to afmvdp)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 2:07:02 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		Sherri that was actually directed at the thread poster not you despite what the notifier at the bottom states.

Gotta ask though, if you don't identify as a "sub" so to speak, which of course anyone reading these posts would know is short for submissive despite the bit of humor, what do you consider identify as,

(in reply to SherriA)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 2:16:23 PM   
SherriA


Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afmvdp

Sherri that was actually directed at the thread poster not you despite what the notifier at the bottom states.

ah, ok...since it showed up directly below (seemingly in response to) my post, it seemed to be directed at me. Thanks for clarifying.

quote:


Gotta ask though, if you don't identify as a "sub" so to speak, which of course anyone reading these posts would know is short for submissive despite the bit of humor, what do you consider identify as,


Submissive is an adjective, not a noun, at least in every dictionary I own. I don't think there is such thing as *a* submissive. There are people who have submissive personalities, or can act in a submissive manner in certain interactions, but I see that as a different thing.

That said, I identify as Sherri. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm a multifaceted person, and one word isn't going to describe who I am. In regards to wiitwd I define myself primarily as a sadomasochist, though I can enjoy bits and pieces of dominance and/or submission in my interactions with certain people when the enery is right.

How I interact with anyone is all about the energy that flows between us, labels not withstanding.

< Message edited by SherriA -- 7/17/2004 2:17:15 PM >

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to afmvdp)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 5:38:19 PM   
pixieunleashed


Posts: 105
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline 		I just wanted to say that I really (hate) dislike, the "wannabe" label. It tends to be tossed around too much in online BDSM boards usually whenever someone doesn't fit into someone else's ideal.

just a quick bit of a revelation I came upon.....Instead of saying to someone, "your a suchandsuch"....you would have a much truer statement if you say "I'm a suchandsuch" as we are all simply mirrors of each other.

anyway, probably not relevant in this thread...but...it's my 2bits.

thank you for reading this, have a great day,

pixie

_____________________________

**please note that I realize that I am just as full of crap as everybody else, feel free to remind me anytime**

If you understand it.......you've missed the point.


[image]http://img33.exs.cx/img33/2424/pixieunleashed-2.jpg[/image]

(in reply to serenity2u)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 6:00:18 PM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afmvdp

Gotta ask though, if you don't identify as a "sub" so to speak, which of course anyone reading these posts would know is short for submissive despite the bit of humor, what do you consider identify as,



Sherri is a sado-masochistic 'do-me' domme. BAAAHAHAHA

Of course, that's just my own opinion based on my own observations (and definitions) having been her roommate for more than three years. I certainly don't live in her skin nor do I believe I am more correct than she is about herself.

Just a little inside joke we've got with each other.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to afmvdp)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/17/2004 6:04:41 PM   
SirAardvark


Posts: 13
Status: offline 		I think a good rule of thumb is if someone makes a statement in their first email which would be inappropriate if said when meeting for the first time in person, odds are the delete button is your best friend.

Taking it slow and common sense is a good starting point.

(in reply to pixieunleashed)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/18/2004 2:03:32 AM   
MistressZanthia


Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline
quote:

3. If they don't make you rules to follow....

Okay, I have problem with this one. I would never assume dominance over someone I've not met in person, and even then not until we mutually come to an agreement about a power exchange with each other. Not everyone is into "rules". Did you forget to complete the sentence with an "after the power exchange is agree upon?" What it says implies an online expectation of rules.

The rest is common sense...

From your sig line: But if submission is the gift, what is dominance? Is it not a gift also? Who would you submit to if a dominant didn't "gift" you with it their dominance too? We are all "gifts" to each other. *steps off soapbox*

And as you implied you have never taken your submission offline: Touting "safety" as the reason for keeping it strictly online is well, hmm, seven years? Eek, there are safe places to meet others and find out who we are. I hope you get out more and meet more lifestyle people, a local munch is a good place to start. You cannot possibly judge us all by online standards (most of what you net are HNGs not real people). Good luck.

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to SirAardvark)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/18/2004 8:22:00 PM   
angelthighhighs


Posts: 104
Joined: 5/29/2004
Status: offline
quote:

3.If they don't make you rules to follow....



i disagree with this as being a sign of them being a wannabe... when i've just met them and haven't decided whether i wish to submit to them, why would they make rules for me to follow. until i submit to someone i make my own rules and go by them. so for me its the opposite.... if they don't try to make rules for me to follow.

(in reply to serenity2u)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/18/2004 9:11:19 PM   
MzBerlin


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline 		Serenity-
Thankyou for the informative post. I agree with everything that you said, and took it the way that I assumed it was to be taken- a guideline.
Also- I think that if you want to wait to go RT, then so be it. I think waiting around for Mr. Right is just fine.
As Always-
Berlin

(in reply to serenity2u)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/19/2004 9:32:39 AM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		Hmmmm. Most of those rules look like they're geared to online interaction. You know, a widely held definition of a D/s wannabe is someone who has little experience of D/s other than online interaction. Could well be that the writer of those rules would qualify.

That said, there isn't really anything wrong with being a D/s wannabe. Every single someone who is a D/s "is" was a D/s wannabe at some point. The problem is when the "wannabe" claimes to be something that they are not. Unfortunately, there is a lot of social pressure on dominants to do just that. Nothing wrong with being a newbie sub. Not so for dominants.

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to serenity2u)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/19/2004 9:53:26 AM   
MissSadistic2


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline 		I would have to agree with Leonidas. The sad thing is that we all have to start somewhere. I believe there are "newbies" and "wannabes". 2 completely different people. What I tend to not understand is why they can not be honest about the expierence they have and what they really want a need. I recieve some very honestly email from the newbies and wayyyy too much email from the wanna bes. My advice is just be honest, if you are new then say so. If you only want to play a fantasy online then admit that. It would save you time and everyone else time.

Just my 2 cents

_____________________________

"Nothing is more beautiful then a slave at your feet"

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/19/2004 11:12:18 AM   
MzBerlin


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afmvdp

Also for a sub you seem rather pushy but perhaps thats just your bitterness showing. Nothing personal just letting you know with that type of attitude right out of the gate you're not likely to attract very many "real" Doms or Masters.


afmvdp-
I do not think that serenity2u is being pushy, nor does she seem bitter. She seems honest and aware. As for 'pushy' go check out your own profile. I was/am in the same boat as her. I chose not to engage in ANY play until I found someone I could completely trust and felt that LOVE connection with. Hey- those are only my rules/requirements, but they're valid as this is personalized. (as you stated in your very own post). I think that serenityy2u put up an excellent guideline.
IMNSHO
As Always
Berlin

(in reply to afmvdp)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/19/2004 6:10:44 PM   
Lawrence111


Posts: 117
Joined: 6/10/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas

Hmmmm. Most of those rules look like they're geared to online interaction. You know, a widely held definition of a D/s wannabe is someone who has little experience of D/s other than online interaction. Could well be that the writer of those rules would qualify.

That said, there isn't really anything wrong with being a D/s wannabe. Every single someone who is a D/s "is" was a D/s wannabe at some point. The problem is when the "wannabe" claimes to be something that they are not. Unfortunately, there is a lot of social pressure on dominants to do just that. Nothing wrong with being a newbie sub. Not so for dominants.

Take care of yourself

Leonidas


Bingo.

I was going to say... seven years *on-line only*? That has to be some kind of record.

I'd also agree: those look like ideas for cyber folks.

(ASIDE: I had a friend who was in a three year on-line-only relationship, and there was nothing I could do to talk him into meeting local flesh-and-blood people. Finally, he met a nice lady and that was that; no more on-line. I was on-line for a couple of years, until I decided to do some local networking. It took *one week* and I discovered and was then invited to participate in a local group (and I live in a podunk town). So if I could get out of cyber because I wanted to, then anyone can. I could never have lasted seven years. One other piece of flame-bait (LOL): while I was on-line, I never considered myself to *really* be actively in 'the lifestyle' or 'experienced' ... because, I was never *really* doing anything, and had very little experience doing anything. I know some people say that's not true, that they *really are* doing the words and actions they are typing on a screen <when they type "My" in the middle of a sentence for me it is a dead-givaway that screams "Syy-burrrrr!" but that's another thread>, but from my experience, they are not usually the people who are doing it in the real world, and the latter tend to scorn the former as "play-school'. Before you fire off a heated response, I accept that there may be some who do both. My point is that those folks are rare; people seem to be most comfortable in one area or another.)

Anyway, to each his/her own, but I would agree with some other posters: it's just words on a screen (unless *you* choose to make it more than that), so close the window and/or block the user, walk away, and try not to make it more than it is: words on a screen

And I would agree that at sometime we were all new and curious and wanted to learn and therefore the term "want to be" could relate to "want to be more knowledgable" or "want to be more edicated." In that sense it is a kinder, gentler more acceptable phrase.

The "wannabe" label (just by the way it sounds : "wanna - bee", sort of like "You want some whiiiine with that cheeze?") is a derogatory term given to those who are clearly not interested in self improvement, but instead *use* BDSM as a hunting ground, and *use* it for purposes that are other than Honorable. They deserve the phrase.

And finally, I didn't thing anyone here had an "attitude" that was "less than sub" (to paraphrase) and will do just fine attracting those whom she wishes to attract. One of the biggest problems with on-line dating, especially in this focused world of BDSM is that we tend to look *first* as the D/s characteristics of a person rather than looking *at the person as a person.* (The other problem is that things go so damned fast that we are unable to take the time to get to know the person as a person.) Life ain't always a 24/7. You have to get along with your partner, person to person. And if one of you does not *like* the other person ... then you probably won't have a partner, unless it is the occasional play partner. I would venture a guess that most single people have a well-roundness to offer in themselves and want it in return.

Sincerely,

Lawrence
Ithaca, NY

_____________________________

Yoda, my English Teacher was.

***********

Question: What is the ONE creature that puts fear into the heart of a Gorian Warrior?
Answer: "The Beast That Eats Only Male Virgins"

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: D/s Wannabe and what to look for - 7/19/2004 10:50:01 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressZanthia

quote:

3. If they don't make you rules to follow....

Okay, I have problem with this one. I would never assume dominance over someone I've not met in person, and even then not until we mutually come to an agreement about a power exchange with each other. Not everyone is into "rules". Did you forget to complete the sentence with an "after the power exchange is agree upon?" What it says implies an online expectation of rules.


(I dont agree with Zanthia about much... but on this point, I agree.)

These guidelines really seem to be completely geared for the online user, by the online user.

I also agree with pixie... the whole wannabe thing is getting out of hand. Yeah. There are A LOT of people out there who are not who they say they are. But this label has already doomed the newbie. The new guy who wants to learn everything...but finds no one will talk with him because he has no experience. The new femdom who walks into a room and is jumped on by a pack of frothing virtual male subs who "live to serve". male submissives who want to learn about themselves, but find themselves falling in with some hard charging chat domme who thinks she's domme because she hates men so much...then finally, we get to the female submissive. Being leered at by all those virtual peckers...not knowig how to behave, or what to expect. So just follows suit.

I guess my point here is that the list for recognizing a wannabe..is BS. The wannabe label puts some fear into the hearts of the new. No one wants to ask questions, as they may show their inexperience. No one wants to back down, as it shows a chink in their armor. People answer questions...without having any practical experience...because they dont want to seem inexperienced....vicious circle...

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to MistressZanthia)
Profile   Post #: 20
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