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MsHonor -> RE: A tough nut to crack - advice? (4/4/2008 7:42:26 AM)
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Pyrrsefanie: Just a few points of observation / advice I wanted to add, in case they're helpful.
On the removal and application of collar: I can fully and easily understand the need to remove it for social and professional reasons... Can he make it to and from the car with it on? One solution might be to have -him- remove it once he's left your presense for the day / morning / whatever (with appropriate notations that he's to remember it's meaning and effect whether it's physically on him or not, of course) and then replace it before he enters your presence again. This will provide him a moment to take a specific physical action which, while it may become routine if he allows it to, could also be calming and preparatory.
I'd tell him something like "Before you return to me from the other requirements of the day, I want you to stop and put on your collar... And think about what you're doing, and why you're going it, and what it means. Don't put that collar on and enter my presence until and unless you're ready to pay proper attention and respect to it, and to me.
On stress, bad days, and bad moods... and bad behaviour: We all have bad days. Even a dog or horse can have a bad day, and not be as "good" as we might want them to be. That's ok. Or, more accurately, bad moods are ok, in reasonable proportions. Bad behaviour isn't ok. Worse, if you ignore or allow it beyond a certain level, you make it ok, if only by precedent. In my opinion, the only acceptably proper course of action if he's simply not able to behave properly around you (which premise I reject in the first place, but that's up to you) is to ask to remove himself to "cool down".
I've never been good at temper... I don't raise my voice in anger, partially through a low affect rate, but also through a refusal to demean myself. As a result, I'm never very understanding with people who "can't help it". As I said... I simply reject the premise. If they say "Well, I was angry." I say something like "That is no excuse. Control your temper. You're neither a child nor a rabid animal."
Working with any kind of "spirited" creature is always something of a challenge... But there -has- to be a line in the sand. There -has- to be a level of acting out that's simply not acceptable and not allowed... And crossing that line has to have reprecussions.
On consistency & reliability: And those reprecussions have to be consistent and reliable.
This part isn't so much a reply to anything specific in your posts, but more of a general observation...
Consistency is terribly important, no matter what you're training. If you say "If you do A, then B will happen." it becomes very important that B does, in fact, happen. To borrow the old cliche', you don't make threats... You make promises. Establishing that you have the courage of your convictions and the steel to back them up is crucial to establishing and maintaining your authority, and, thus, fulfilling your submissive's needs.
On "walking out the door": The way you said you were afraid he might walk out, and the way you tempered your words against the fear that he might walk out... It's just my opinion and style, but I see this as a huge flag. In consensual slavery, we're not really allowed to kill 'em... Even a good maiming is generally frowned upon, and selling them to someone else can prove difficult as well. What this all boils down to is that witholding your approval and attention is really the only "big gun" you have, up to and including the "nuclear option" of dismissal.
I know it's tough. It's painful and even scary... I've felt the hearbreaking pain of letting go of a sub or slave I loved. But you cannot afford to show it. Like the old saying, "They can smell your fear!" :-) In the case of the best subs, it'll shake their confidence in you... In the case of the worst, it'll be an invitation to hold you hostage and walk all over you.
The most you can afford is to tell them, with a cool and commanding bearing, "I would hate to let you go... It would break my heart. But your behaviour has been absolutely unacceptable, and I simply will not put up with it." ...Then you set your requirements, you set the penalties, and you -stick- to them. You -have- to stick to your guns. A dominant's authority is like an officer's authority... once compromised, it's devilishly hard to re-build.
You have to remember what the specific form of the relationship is about... What it does. What needs are being fulled, specifically, by the power exchange aspects of it. If there weren't needs on both sides, we'd all just go vanilla.
I usually encapsulate it as "submissives need to be cherished, dominants need to be needed."
Both terms are, in this instance, wicked oversimplified, of course. For the submissive, this "cherished" feeling might include stability, structure, leadership, authority, the emotional security of being a valuable possession... The hope that responsibility to an external authority might amplify the voices of one's better angels... Any combination of these and other specifics... All of which come down to or tie in with the sense of "belonging" that I choose to lable as "being cherished".
The point I'm trying to make (badly, unfortunately) is that you have to hold your ground. You have to be strong and stalwart. Commanding. Resolute. And, therefore, reliable and safe. You don't lose fights... You don't even lower yourslf to participate in them. You're simply not a person to be fought with. This doesn't mean you're perfect or infallible, or even that you don't admit your mistakes... If you are informed of a mistake politely, and couteously, you can thank them for bringing it to your attention, and give it your due consideration...
But when someone gets snappy or abusive with you, and you allow it, you're just making things harder for later... Maybe a simple "Who, exactly, do you think you're speaking to? Go away. Come back when you can be appropriately respectful and not forget yourself."
Ugh. Very long... I'm sorry. I hope some part of it made sense and perhaps helps. I'm happy you came to a working arrangement... My best anf most hopeful advice would be that you to use it as a fresh beginning, to the extent that it's possible.
~Best...
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