Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme

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anthrosub -> Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/4/2005 7:39:40 PM)
Well, I just went through about 10 days of wasting my time. There's a "Domme" (I use the term reluctantly) here who I contacted. Her reply was quite positive and we exchanged about a dozen emails telling each other some basic information. Then...poof...she stopped writing me last weekend. I sent her several emails that went from "eager to hear from you" to "what's going on?" as time passed. Tonight, I sent one asking for some simple courtesy for no other reason than to have closure and was Blocked. What is it with people? What does it cost them to extend kindness to others? Anyone can relate to how this must feel. anthrosub

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/4/2005 7:58:18 PM)
We're gonna break a record this week about people asking why they get emails they don't want or why they don't get emails they do want. We really should get a new Forum in here for that topic. Anthro yes it would have been polite to at least have gotten a "It's been nice chatting but I am not really interested in anything more." sort of email. But this is online, you had only exchanged a few emails. Little investment means little loss. Especially online you really can't build any expectations over the short term of things. Keep yourself positive, I know you're likely to turn this into another reason why the world sucks, but I'm sure things will be right for you.

MsHoney2you -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/4/2005 8:38:23 PM)
I too have received damning letters from subs that felt I should have replied in THEIR time frame, with no consideration that MY life was NOT theirs and therefore, they had no idea what was going on with me. Let's not forget, online is online. Some, well, MANY think they have 'connected' with another via the internet. I have long time friends/acquaintances I met 7 years ago, but I also know they are internet friends, not LIFE friends. Good conselors as I can trust them not to tell my 'real' friends personal things simply because they are not REAL to me, they are internet friends. If I communicate here, via the internet, those I come in contact with are not in my life other than a thought once in a while. PERIOD. When I meet you, hear your voice, see the sparkle in your eyes, hear you laugh, feel the warmth of your skin.... THOSE things make you real.... not a bunch of characters on a screen. My heart goes out to you that you feel you wasted your time. I disagree, I think you have learned a few lessons. 1 - Any number of real life issues could have kept her from replying, yet your continued pressure for her to keep in touch with you may have totally turned her off. And 2 - Now you can think of more ways to meet with the Dommes of your choice face to face sooner than later in order to not get drawn in to online 'love' relationships. Live and learn, it's really a fun way to go and don't beat yourself up, you do not know why she did what she did, you can only evaluate what your actions and thoughts were and are. Good luck, Ms Honey

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/4/2005 10:26:30 PM)
She must have had misgivings about something you said/did (or didn't do), and lacked the courage/character to say exactly what it was to you. I'm sorry that happened to you. M

UtopianRanger -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/4/2005 11:08:38 PM)
Just hang in there brother... I know the whole time thing is a real dilemma, but ya gotta expend it sometimes in order to find what it is you are looking for. Don't let it getcha down. - The Ranger

AAkasha -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/4/2005 11:28:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anthrosub Well, I just went through about 10 days of wasting my time. There's a "Domme" (I use the term reluctantly) here who I contacted. Her reply was quite positive and we exchanged about a dozen emails telling each other some basic information. Then...poof...she stopped writing me last weekend. I sent her several emails that went from "eager to hear from you" to "what's going on?" as time passed. Tonight, I sent one asking for some simple courtesy for no other reason than to have closure and was Blocked. What is it with people? What does it cost them to extend kindness to others? Anyone can relate to how this must feel. anthrosub Ten days? TEN DAYS? TEN WHOLE DAYS? How much time in hours did you waste? Ok I'm only semi joking. But ten days is not a lot, and to complain you "wasted" ten days shows one thing you are -- overly eager. If the number of emails you sent asking what was up or what went wrong or is she ok to more demanding were in a short period of time she might have just gotten turned off that you were clingy or demanding or didn't have enough going on in your life. Seriously, that's how it sounds. Ten days and "positive emails" but including the "lapse" of not hearing from her -- how does that break down I wonder? Three days of emails every single day, looking good, then she doesn't write for one day and then next day you start to ask "what's going on??". Subs start freaking out and jonesing if a femdom write a lot of emails then they trickle down (maybe it was a weekend? Maybe she had a sick day from work? Maybe that time period with the rapid emails was when she had an unusual amount of time in front of the PC?) Maybe she got interested in someone else? You might want to slow down your approach, lower your expectations and not come on so strong. Or, she might just be a rude bitch. Hard to say. But ten days really isn't a lot. When I was single one of the things that bugged me in online personals was that sure, I could maybe spend a few days and exchange some great emails. Maybe with one guy or a few, and we'd have an exchange going, and then I'd get busy with the real world and my free time would shrink, and he'd do things like check to see if I logged on then email me a sad note if I logged in and did not write. Maybe I only logged in for 2 minutes and thought "I don't have time to send something decent and I don't want to give the blow off feeling so I will wait until tomorrow to send a real email." Then if something came up that day, I'd come home to ANOTHER pouting email, "I guess you aren't that interested. oh well, bye." What the!? I mean things like that would happen a LOT. I learned that if I did not hand hold like they were a puppy dog and email "Ok I am NOT blowing you off but I can't write today and tomorrow MIGHT be better, but I really do like you and I want to continue so can you wait one more day?" -- I'd have a pissy guy on my hands. Then I'd realize, shit, do I need a guy that co dependent after....8 days!? NO! Did I want to communicate with a guy that would have a meltdown if I did not keep up the rapid email exchanges to his liking? You need to settle down. It's ten days. I talked to my husband online for more than two years before we met. Talk about patience. Actually I think it was closer to three years. Akasha

Foibey -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 4:00:09 AM)
For various reasons I occasionally end up going offline for a couple of weeks. Generally people who I'm close enough friends with will have my phone number if they can't get in touch online, and whilst I don't want to be too rude to new people I'm tlaking to online, they're not always a priority and it really depends on how well I've gotten to know them before I'll hand out anything other than e-mail. In short, sometimes people may just have not received your e-mails and will pop back online in a week or so.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 5:00:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2 But this is online, you had only exchanged a few emails. Em, I'd just like to point out that this only happens when you meet people face to face and possibly even sleep with them. Rudeness is not only limited to online, though I would agree that it is much easier to be evasive when online. quote: ORIGINAL: anthrosub What is it with people? What does it cost them to extend kindness to others? Anyone can relate to how this must feel. Anthro, she was a coward to at the very least not tell it to you like it is. That's about all the consolation I can give you. As I often say, sometimes we need to take comfort in realising that people are maladjusted so very early on rather then much later into a relationship. - LA

anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 5:04:16 AM)
To add more clarity to what happened, the dialog was very positive and balanced. We were both talking about ourselves and each other. I learned enough about her that I now know her home and business address and have a photo. We may not have had time to get close but were getting personal at least. The last email I received from her stated she was going to spend the weekend on her boat and would write me upon her return. I emailed her a "have a nice weekend" message as we were both online at the same time when she sent me that last email. I waited until late Sunday afternoon, then sent a "welcome back" message for her to find upon her return. On Monday, I sent nothing and she never came online. Tuesday morning, she came online, read my messages but no replies. Tuesday night, I emailed her a message stating my concern and asked if she had lost interest, could she please let me know. She read that message as well...no reply. I sent one more and discovered I was now blocked. I'm not vested in this person, she wasn't being harrassed or peppered with mail, and all indications were that things were going well. What got me was being blocked after asking for the simple courtesy of closure. I did everything with respect and got dumped on in return. But like others say...look at the bright side. At least I don't have to find out this is how she handles herself much later after more involvement. anthrosub

MistressKay -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 6:06:31 AM)
anthrosub, Honey said it well - but I will also add that I too believe that online isn't real - it doesn't become real till I meet someone in person. If you are going to connect with someone online then expect that at some point they will disappear - their disappearance can be for many reasons from computer breaking down, internet service failures, or just an incredibly busy lifestyle with little time to read emails that imparticular week. Real life comes first (home, family, work, responsibilities) - if there is time left over and one is not too tired then they may check emails as a nice past-time... but it is only a past-time. Also most busy people don't sit on the computer every day chatting or writing emails - thus I may not get around to reading my emails for a week or two ... during that time someone like you could panic thinking they were ignored when in fact those emails weren't even read till much later. In fact I received an email from a submissive online who called me rude because I didn't email him back immediately (as if I put my life on hold and was waiting on the computer just to respond to him). I tell people up front - I am a busy woman - if you want to get to know me then skip all the email exchanges and meet with me in person for coffee - otherwise don't expect replies because I wont send emails unless I have the free time to do so. Keep things in perspective anthrosub - don't invest more than initial interest until you meet in person. Cyber is only a game and few take it so seriously that they have to be at the computer day in and out just to remain connected to someone who may or may not even exist. What you present on the internet may not be what you really are (and more often than not it's all just fantasy). Keep reality real - keep online fantasy till you meet in person. Wishing you all the best, Lady Kay

FTopinMichigan -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 6:35:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anthrosub I emailed her a "have a nice weekend" message as we were both online at the same time when she sent me that last email. I waited until late Sunday afternoon, then sent a "welcome back" message for her to find upon her return. On Monday, I sent nothing and she never came online. Tuesday morning, she came online, read my messages but no replies. Tuesday night, I emailed her a message stating my concern and asked if she had lost interest, could she please let me know. She read that message as well...no reply. I sent one more and discovered I was now blocked. After a few e-mail exchanges, this sounds like you might've been a bit TOO taken with her. What is perceived as "nice and polite" e-mail exchanges for some, is too much e-mail, and bothersome to another. "Have a nice weekend"....."welcome back"....and the ever irritating, "did you lose interest in me," because I didn't respond immediately when you wrote, is enuff for me to stop corresponding with a man. Like Akasha posted, it sounds far too clingy, or of one needing more attention that I am willing to give, from the get go. I wouldn't just cut off correspondence though, and I suspect she might've said something, or hinted, and if not, than it's surely obvious now that she's not interested. Try to move on and learn from the experience. Not all women want constant attention/contact, or have the time to respond immediately to every single e-mail that is sent. In ten days, I feel that you are expecting far too much out of a getting-to-know-you "online" phase, and have learned...she doesn't want to get to know you. There will be disappointments, but don't invest so much into someone after a few short contacts, and you won't be hurt then, when you find you're not compatible, or she's not interested (or you're not interested). Take in slower, rather than jumping in head first, and you might be more successful with your next contact via online correspondence. K

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 6:57:13 AM)
The problem with bringing these questions up is you will get the whole gamut of answers which basically says different strokes for different folks. I agree with LA that quote: she was a coward to at the very least not tell it to you like it is. That's about all the consolation I can give you. As I often say, sometimes we need to take comfort in realising that people are maladjusted so very early on rather then much later into a relationship. I don't believe it was unreasonable of you to say welcome back; I think it was a thoughtful gesture, as was checking if she was okay... Plenty of people are online, and want to be taken seriously, so I don't understand how they can say don't expect courtesy. I especially don't understant the response from other femdoms who are always carrying on about how online subs suck for a miriad of reasons (not the least of which is discourtesy).shrug M

AAkasha -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 9:20:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig The problem with bringing these questions up is you will get the whole gamut of answers which basically says different strokes for different folks. I agree with LA that quote: she was a coward to at the very least not tell it to you like it is. That's about all the consolation I can give you. As I often say, sometimes we need to take comfort in realising that people are maladjusted so very early on rather then much later into a relationship. I don't believe it was unreasonable of you to say welcome back; I think it was a thoughtful gesture, as was checking if she was okay... Plenty of people are online, and want to be taken seriously, so I don't understand how they can say don't expect courtesy. I especially don't understant the response from other femdoms who are always carrying on about how online subs suck for a miriad of reasons (not the least of which is discourtesy).shrug M The nature of his final email would have a lot to do with why she blocked him instead of writing back and saying she didn't want to continue.If the last email was sort of demanding closure, or "you owe me at least..." or snide at all, or full of anything passive aggressive, she might have said "fuck this" and hit block because she didn't want to deal with it, and was wondering why a few nice email exchanges the week before led to all this drama. Regardless,she knew that "blocking him" would send just as clear a message she wasn't interested any longer, and sends a second message that she was "annoyed." Whether or not that is appropriate behavior is a separate issue. Personally I would never feel attachment to someone who behaved in that manner -- but I also wouldn't have been upset that I wasted ten days. I would be like -- phew, glad I found THAT out now. But still, for all you know she was "with" someone on that trip and things flourished. Or she came home to a death in the family. Her reasons for not writing in the time frame HE wants are unrealistic demands and expectations from someone you just met. There is nothing more annoying than a guy that checks up on when you were online and matches that up with when you did or did not write and then calls you on it. Just beause I logged in to collarme doesn't mean I owe you an email. And all those emails, "Have a good trip" and "welcome back" and then the following one might have been too clingy. Akasha

JustaTop -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 9:45:18 AM)
Let me couch this from a Top perspective-or simply a regular guy perspective,or that matter. People have lives,they are very busy meeting basic needs. You have to cut them some slack by keeping that in perspective. How would you feel if you didn't have time to answer someone exactly as they saw fit-and then they went all wierd and needy on you about it? After all,here is this compartive stranger who seemed pleasant enough to begin with-and suddenly becomes a total "cling on". Dude,it's no wonder that she blocked you. Learn to chill out and give people thier space. Demanding things and time of people you barely know shows a distinct lack of respect for THIER needs.

tasha_tart -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 10:26:55 AM)
As one who has been on both sides of this issue (yes, I've been guilty of tardy email responses!) I'd like to throw in my 2¢ worth. There are a myriad of reasons that email replies may seem too slow. Personally, I've experienced all of these at times: -ISP problems (much better since I dumped the phone company) -family illness (gave my mother's heart attacks higher priority) -demanding work schedules (12 hour shifts, 4 on, 2 off for weeks at a time in my case.) I've always managed to catchup eventually - except with the "why are you ignoring me?" types. These have never been people that I had met in the flesh....mmmmm, flesh....ooops, sorry I digress...but rather people who I knew only casually, even by online standards. I've also had people who stopped responding to me, even when it seemed (to me anyway, their view may well have been different) that something promising was developing. I'd like to think I avoided the "why are you ignoring me?" responses, though I probably didn't do as well as hindsight is telling me now, but I know I never demanded closure. I think that the end of correspondence is its own answer after a while. Just as some people take rejection badly, some are bad at rejecting another, and just not replying can seem so easy, especially if there is something in the messages they are getting that is unsettling in any way. When this has happened to me I've shrugged my shoulders and moved on. That's life. Who hasn't experienced "I'll call you" after meeting someone, perhaps even casually dating them, and not gotten that call (or worse, been the one who didn't make the call?) Wow...I do ramble on...so, in conclusion...if things drift apart that easily, that early, for whatever reason...my guess is, it just wasn't meant to be. Re-examine yourself, and your correspondence, just to ensure that you didn't do something that raised warning flags for the other. If you can honestly say you didn't, then move on...you weren't right for each other. But if you see something that may have been the problem, learn from it, fix it, and do better next time. tasha

Kasia -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 11:47:18 AM)
Guilty of not answering to some really nice guys online sometimes. Never blocked anyone though. There are times I am too tired to think and feel too worn out for anything than just reading profiles (that relaxes me). Some other times I just dont feel like communicating with anyone. I am antisocial lone wolf who can only regenerate when closed into her own personal world (I even keep my nearest and dearest out of it). Sometimes I have bad temper and maintaining control issues. So, yes, I can imagine being so pissed off at the moment with someone pushing to stop any communication and even block him. But I would probably apologize and explain some time later when I cool of. Now, anthrosub, you say: quote: I learned enough about her that I now know her home and business address and have a photo. In only ten days? I should say that person you are talking about is at least careless about her safety. If she was so reckless about giving her personal information, how can you expect her to be more liable in answering your emails...... just sounds hasty to me. Or maybe she just realized that and freaked out [8\|]

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 12:29:53 PM)
quote: I also wouldn't have been upset that I wasted ten days. I would be like -- phew, glad I found THAT out now. This I agree with, and am always happy to find inconsistent/rude/unkind behavior sooner than later, because those are deal breakers for me, hence no further waste of time. quote: But still, for all you know she was "with" someone on that trip and things flourished. Or she came home to a death in the family. Her reasons for not writing in the time frame HE wants are unrealistic demands and expectations from someone you just met. She probably did meet someone, and things flourished... Why not cut this one loose though directly? Yes deaths in the family or unpredictable events do come up, but those things don't allow you to keep checking your personals email, ignore and block them. The reason I said it's a case of different strokes, is we are all a little different in what types of interactions we are comfortable with. I don't happen to possess the patience to invest in an online relationship for a year or two before meeting like you, and I happen to enjoy regular contact, while others like once a week/once a month contact. I think the reason it was wrong for Anthrosub is that she established the pace/habits he came to expect, and that is why I'm more upset she bailed without explanation, than blocked him which was the ultimate in rudeness toward someone who hasn't been. It's true we don't know what his emails entailed or what they talked about, so am only responding to his info; I think it is possible to exchange a lot of information (within reasonably safe limits) in a short time depending on the vibe one gets from the other. M

anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 3:46:47 PM)
Lots of replies here with "alternative" explanations for why what happened...happened. I can tell you with reasonable certainty none of them are on the mark. I wrote an email when she was online to wish her a nice trip (Collarme shows when people are online). I made an effort to have a nice welcome back message in her inbox upon her return and made sure it was not "clingy" or mushy. I'm well aware of how people can feel boxed in by too many emails checking up on them. She told me she owns a boat and would be spending the weekend on it anchored off an island off the coast of NH. I know this place and felt it would show my awareness to at least be checking on her by sending an email on Sunday afternoon. For all I know, she could have had a boating accident. In short, I was being thoughtful. I didn't send her another email until Tuesday night after I saw she had been online Tuesday morning and again that night. She read all my emails without responding, then came back on when I sent my last email politely asking if she had lost interest could she please do me the courtesy of letting me know. Obviously, from all the replies everyone has their own set of values on issues such as this. But I disagree about the "online" realm making people's feelings somehow less important. There's a real person behind every message and when the goal and topic is about developing a relationship then it makes it all the more personal. For some people, their "real-life" social activities provide them with enough of a buffer to make things online seem unimportant but for others, every contact is important by reason of its infrequency. I'm not anti-social, I have circumstances that make being social difficult. I rely on this site to hopefully one day meet the right someone. In other words, it's relative to the individual. If she had time to read my mail, she had time to write a simple "Thanks but no thanks." That's all I was asking for. She ignored me and then added insult to injury by slamming the door in my face by blocking me. Yes, I developed feelings for this person. You don't know the content of our exchanges during the 10 days but I can assure you it was very positive and encouraged feelings that maybe this is going to go somewhere. There was no hint of disinterest whatsoever to cue me in. But I've learned a lesson to be sure. One that is hard to put into practice...how to be open to a person while at the same time protecting my feelings. I tend to be very honest and wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to give people simple respect and speak the truth. It's a shame so many feel they have to play with other people's feelings to get what they want out of life. anthrosub

theRose4U -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 3:57:55 PM)
quote: I'm not vested in this person, she wasn't being harrassed or peppered with mail, and all indications were that things were going well. What got me was being blocked after asking for the simple courtesy of closure. I guess I don't understand if you're saying you weren't vested in this person yourself then 1) why do you care? 2) why do you expect closure? 3) What do you expect any of us to do about it other than bring a potluck dish to the pity party?

AAkasha -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 6:13:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: I'm not vested in this person, she wasn't being harrassed or peppered with mail, and all indications were that things were going well. What got me was being blocked after asking for the simple courtesy of closure. I guess I don't understand if you're saying you weren't vested in this person yourself then 1) why do you care? 2) why do you expect closure? 3) What do you expect any of us to do about it other than bring a potluck dish to the pity party? The story isn't consistent. He said he didn't have anything vested and then said in a more recent post: quote: Yes, I developed feelings for this person. You don't know the content of our exchanges during the 10 days but I can assure you it was very positive and encouraged feelings that maybe this is going to go somewhere. There was no hint of disinterest whatsoever to cue me in. Sounds like he did have something vested.

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