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RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 11:27:40 AM   
Floggings4You


Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline 		KindlyTop:
 
Call Me a romantic (polyamorous Man in an open-marriage that I am!), but while I agree that your lover remaining with her husband was a possible outcome from the beginning, it is just that.

Only one possible outcome, out of many other possibilities.
 
she may "...hate to think what [she] was giving up", but does she really know?  Had she really weighed what she would gain by divorcing her husband to be with you, vs. what she would lose by remaining with her husband?
 
If you really care about and/or love this woman, you owe it to yourself to do whatever you can to make sure she does not remain with her husband for the wrong reason(s).  Talk to her about your feelings for her, and make sure she understands the plus-side of being with you!  If she still decides to stay with hubby, at least it won't be because she doesn't know what she might have had... 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 11:41:45 AM   
kindlytop


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		I have talked to her.  And tried to show her through my actions, and will continue to do so.   Part of me thinks that once he comes home, and starts his overbearing critical behavior, she will miss me all the more.

And here's to be a romantic!

(in reply to Floggings4You)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 12:34:56 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

- Fast reply -

This is supposed to be a tolerant place, where we are not supposed to say "my kink is better than your kink", yet I read a lot of judgemental comments on this thread... it's not because the people involved sound a bit clueless that we can dish out morality lessons.


1. Cheating isn't really a kink. IMO but hey I could be wrong
2. We are no more tolerant or forgiving then any other venue or lifestyle.
3. You'll find the majority on here are very AGAINST cheaters, for cheating is lieing, and being dishonest and sneaky and back handed.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 12:40:20 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		You missed my point, which is that as we aren't in other people's shoes, we shouldn't climb on a high horse and denounce them as if we were morally superior to them.

If people want to lie, if people want to cheat, it is up to them: it's called freedom of choice. I find it a bit rich that in a place where vicious beatings, breaking of bones and other violent things are considered to be acceptable, there is so much twitching of the site's moral compass over a basic adultery case  .

Of course, it's everybody's freedom to decide whether we are apt to judge others or not. In this particular case, I don't feel we are.



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RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 12:48:22 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Of course, it's everybody's freedom to decide whether we are apt to judge others or not. In this particular case, I don't feel we are.


And who appointed 'you' to speak for 'We'..... I don't tollerate nor excuse cheaters. It is inexcusable behaviour... whilst they will continue to do so, I won't give them tacit approval by playing the politicaly correct non-judgemental game over something which is fundamentaly opposed to WIITWD, given trust is so great a part of that. IMO of course because *I* only speak for ME, not for 'We'!


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(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 1:19:48 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		Fair. Enough.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 1:22:55 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

You missed my point, which is that as we aren't in other people's shoes, we shouldn't climb on a high horse and denounce them as if we were morally superior to them.

If people want to lie, if people want to cheat, it is up to them: it's called freedom of choice. I find it a bit rich that in a place where vicious beatings, breaking of bones and other violent things are considered to be acceptable, there is so much twitching of the site's moral compass over a basic adultery case  .

Of course, it's everybody's freedom to decide whether we are apt to judge others or not. In this particular case, I don't feel we are.




I was hitting on the fact that you stated "we are more tolerant". Totally untrue. We are human and therefore exceedingly flawed.

Also, no one I know that practices BDSM has ever thought breaking bones and "vicious" beatings as acceptable behavoir.

I've witnessed beatings that appear vicious to some but in reality aren't as bad as they appear. A broken bone is a serious "oops, someone seriously fucked up there"

Yes people cheat, but don't come onto a public forum and ask for sympathy because the person you are cheating with is going back to their spouse. If someone "chooses" to be with a cheater or be a cheater themselves then they should suck it up and accept the shit storm that comes with the action.

_____________________________

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It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 1:26:02 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

I've witnessed beatings that appear vicious to some but in reality aren't as bad as they appear. A broken bone is a serious "oops, someone seriously fucked up there"



Well, except that some people seek them, and administer them.

quote:



Yes people cheat, but don't come onto a public forum and ask for sympathy because the person you are cheating with is going back to their spouse. If someone "chooses" to be with a cheater or be a cheater themselves then they should suck it up and accept the shit storm that comes with the action.



I agree with your statement above, but I didn't get that the OP was asking for sympathy. Perhaps it's a question of perception. In any case, I stand by what I believe to be right, and I will act accordingly.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 1:28:55 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kindlytop

Ok, so I have had a wonderful time seeing a sub woman that is married (i know this) but not happily, yet has allways said she did not know what to do about her marriage.  Now the husband, who has been absent because of his work for a number of years (only a few visits home per year) is coming home for good in a couple months.  The last conversation with her about this went along the lines of "your perfect, I wish i was not married, but i hate to think i would just be giving up."  

Ok...is this a doomed relationship for me?  The prospect of not seeing her, let alone not being about to try making a life with her is getting me down.



If you're not married, you might have a chance of having more time with this woman, if you can be the one to bend to her schedule and accomodate the fact that she has to work around the husband. 

If you're both married, you may as well kiss it good-bye sooner rather than later.  It's nearly impossible for two married people to keep anything afloat longterm, especially with "geography issues". 

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(in reply to kindlytop)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 1:33:04 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Not too amazed that rationalization has now extended to consider following vows and not supporting lying to a spouse or significant other "high horse" morality.

However, you don't see many profiles like this:

WANTED - Person who doesn't or can't communicate with their committed partner who "doesn't get it" seeks to carry on a clandestine relationship behind their back. Lying to other family members, especially children, a plus. Must value their physical comfort and collateral assets more than any vow they made. Only requirement is an itch to be scratched. Short term pleasure possible. Long term consequences assured. All rationalizations accepted as gospel! Send a picture (appreciate it won't really be yours) and at least 3 examples of your lack of integrity for immediate consideration.

I spank, flog, whip, clip and generally cause pain and sometimes 'humiliation' to beth just about daily for my pleasure. It doesn't illustrate any morality other than hedonism. Our physical practices have nothing to do with, and don't deflect from, our "moral compass" which consistently points away from hypocrisy, lying, and cheating. I think far from the minority most people we've met in the 'lifestyle' share that philosophy. It is not a superior attitude it is common.

We don't have any judgment on the arbitrary and religious based morality of any activity where all people involved participate consensually. The nature of "cheating" is that by definition there are non-consensual individuals involved. Why would anyone support compromising that integrity? 

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 1:35:51 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Karma is an evil bitch.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 1:36:31 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Why would anyone support compromising that integrity? 



Because it's none of my fucking business.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 2:09:51 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kindlytop

Well, "that poor bastard" had a year long affair with someone in his last year long stint home.  Compleat with a restraining order against him to keep him away from then gal he was doing once that ended.


Damn it's true 2 wrongs do make a right.

BadOne

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The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 2:12:04 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Why would anyone support compromising that integrity? 



Because it's none of my fucking business.


Uh duh... The OP made it our business once they posted it here asking for advice.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 2:14:52 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		Duh: it's still not my business to judge him, nor is it yours, really, but if it rocks your boat... Otherwise, let's turn these entire boards into Tribunal 101: but perhaps you'd enjoy that  .

PS: incidentally, it isn't because I try to refrain from judging a fellow poster that I condone their actions; this is how I have managed to remain calm and composed when I have read threads that described, at length, scenes that I consider to be horrific abuse.

< Message edited by kittinSol -- 4/3/2008 2:17:03 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 2:19:53 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		i think this is called, "helping out a horny housewife, who's husband is away, and then getting kicked to the curb when he returns."  Hopefully, it was nice while it lasted.  Now, it's time to move on and leave the married couple to deal with their own issues.
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

(in reply to kindlytop)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 2:50:33 PM   
Floggings4You


Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

And who appointed 'you' to speak for 'We'...I don't tollerate nor excuse cheaters. It is inexcusable behaviour... whilst they will continue to do so, I won't give them tacit approval--


Sometimes, forgiveness is better than intolerance...

< Message edited by Floggings4You -- 4/3/2008 2:53:10 PM >

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 2:53:22 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kindlytop

Ok, so I have had a wonderful time seeing a sub woman that is married (i know this) but not happily, yet has allways said she did not know what to do about her marriage.  Now the husband, who has been absent because of his work for a number of years (only a few visits home per year) is coming home for good in a couple months.  The last conversation with her about this went along the lines of "your perfect, I wish i was not married, but i hate to think i would just be giving up."  

Ok...is this a doomed relationship for me?  The prospect of not seeing her, let alone not being about to try making a life with her is getting me down.




Ultimately this married sub will still have to resolve her issues of what she wants and what she needs, even though you were her Dom, you still are secondary to her relationship with her husband.
When you stated she commented that she was unsure if she was giving up which to me sounds like she feels that if she leaves her husband, she is settling for something less. It looks like to me that until she resolves her marriage, your relationship with her could be doomed though miracles have happened. If she is serious about ending her marriage, one option is to stand by her as a friend only for the time being. If you feel she is worth it then you still will be around when she is single again.


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 3:07:58 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It's like having a car. You borrow it for a while, but the guy who owns the title can come along and drive it away any time he wants-and not much you can do about it. It's the law-unless you clear the title-and she doesn't seem to want to.

Tolerance or no-that's the reality.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: married sub - 4/3/2008 5:06:34 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		your opinions of her husband  have no bearing in this matter and if she is willing to cheat on him ... how do you know for sure that she is not simply  lying about him  giving you all sorts of sob stories  inorder to keep you interested and on a short leash???   If she really thinks he is so terrible .....why has she stayed him ???  If she thinks you are so perfect and in love with you and thinks he is a piece of crap  ....why is she not packing her bags and moving in with you .... and please not use her wedding vows  or  she has a commitment to him.....because if those were so important to her, she would not be having an affair with you......
If she chooses to stay with him ....you may have to consider   that you were simply a fill in to satisfy her sexual appetite and need for companionship nothing more with no intent of leaving her marriage but she is keeping you on leash still for the next time he leaves by telling you how perfect you are.... the truth is some people are users ... you may have to ask yourself, if  you are  willing to spend your life waiting around for her husband to go off on business  and playing the role of mistress  and even if  a couple year down the road  and he throws her out for cheating  and she asks if you will take her... are you prepared to accept yourself as being settled for as seconds  or feels desperate enough ... not the one she wanted or chose  to live with but one that will do in a pinch when the primary no longer wants her

I have seen a lot of relationships like this , where one person is is played against another   inorder for the user to have their cake and eat it  ...  so consider me as  playing devils advocate with you, possibly to open you eyes to what could   really be  happening


< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 4/3/2008 5:15:05 PM >

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