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RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 9:14:57 AM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

quote:

Ms doesn't have that overly titled feel for me.

I agree. I often request to be called MsV....or MsVenus. I don't particularly care for Ma'am. Prabably because it seems to mentally remind me of being "older" than many. And, I try to forget that as much as possible. *chuckle*

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to khem)

Post #: 61

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 9:32:48 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressVnus

quote:

The first step in clear communication begins with how you introduce yourself and label yourself

Very well "thetammyjo." My name is MistressVnus!! You may call me MistressVnus.

If you think you should just call me "Mistress" then perhaps we should just call you "the." Will that work?

No one is complaining. We are discussing our different backgrounds in PROTOCOLS.

When someone calls me Mistress, I correct them because I know they have been floating around on forums where "anything goes" and they don't know any better. If they persist in calling me Mistress after that, then we have no need for further discussion because now it is evident to me that they aren't "listening" and will probably waste a lot of my energy. Just like those who dont really read the OP and seem to respond to every OP with "why are you whining"...or "complaining". I see a pattern developing in this way with "certain" posters who really don't have much else to offer regarding intellectual discourse. At least, not from what I can tell so far.

If you tell someone once they have contacted you to use a different name than what you use in your signature and they continue to call/write to you by something else then they clearly are not paying attention. Personally I wouldn't waste my time with them and I'd try not to let myself invest any emotional energy in them by reacting further.

Protocols? Why do you assume that everyone you meet online will know what those are or what yours are? They won't until you tell them or unless you run in the same circles.

It really comes down to your investing emotional energy in someone who does not pay attention to you when you say "please call me this" or "call me this" or "don't call me that".

Sure, I used to get annoyed to when someone called me by a title especially since I don't use one for myself beyond by personal dynamics. I could explain it and complain about it until I was blue in the face but it didn't change other people.

You can't change how other people act if they refuse to change.

You can work on changing how you act and react.

Now if you live in a small and stable community, all this discussion about proper protocols is great, in fact, I'd go so far as to say it was necessary so that things flow as smoothly as possible. Less confusion over protocols opens up more time and energy for other matters such a safety, connections, and education.

Collarme.com is not a small, stable community. People come and go from here constantly. Those of us who have been around for a year or more (some people probably a lot more) see these repeated threads and we get a bit annoyed. I should probably take my own advice and just not respond but my interest in everyone getting the most possibilities for successful BDSM connections is one reason I speak up. Unless this webgroup becomes limited in terms of who is on it, I don't think that an agreed upon set of protocols is going to happen -- I guess the people who own the group could set up protocols and then police the group and those who didn't want to follow the rules could/should leave.

My point is: Why did you post your OP? Was it simply to vent or was it with a thought to change things?

From the way you worded things, I thought it was the second.

If it was just to vent, then here goes my support: Yeah it sucks when folks refuse to adhere to what you want in terms of your name. I feel your frustration.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 4/4/2008 9:35:16 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MistressVnus)

Post #: 62

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 9:39:16 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JoyfulMistress

It is rather frustratiing .. not to cast a shadow on the TNG that is coming up .. however in OG One had to earn their leather.. earn their tittle thus it was reserved for those that earned your time attention and collar. I am not going to sound like the old guy who is yelling at the kids to stay off his lawn,I will say that it does get frustrating to be called Mistress by people I have never met and they have been told more than once to call me something other than Mistress and have been explained that only those that are *Mine* are allowed to call me that.It has become so frustrating,almost as much as strangers emailing me wanting a instaDomme(One to give them a reason or two to jack off or perhaps reason for denial only then get back into their nilla lives) which is number one in my frustation book these days.
However with all this being said I do give the ones who do call me Mistre

From my experiences, I've had this title problem from older men far more than I've had from younger men. Younger men tend to just call me "thetammyjo" and also adjust fairly quickly to using "TammyJo" and giving me a name to call them. Older men often just keep repeating a title so I ignore them.

That is, of course, based on my own personal experiences. Yours are likely different but considering I'm not that old yet myself and I own a still young slave, I feel a streak of protectiveness toward younger folks.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to JoyfulMistress)

Post #: 63

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 10:06:30 AM

aidan

Posts: 904
Joined: 5/28/2005
Status: offline

Not going to get into a TNG vs. Old Guard debate (bite your tongue, be good, beeee good...)

But yeah, Mistress by itself is definetly not to be thrown around lightly. I myself default to Ms. (name) because of old etiquette lessons as a kid, and most of the time that doesn't steer me wrong.

I've not met anybody that I was comfortable calling Mistress yet, even as part of a screen name. Ms. Venus for me. ;-)

_____________________________

Do what now?

"I aim to misbehave."
-Mal Reynolds

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 64

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 10:28:01 AM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: atursvcMaam

having read this, i first, apologize for having called You Ma'am, and simply ask, is there an appropriate way to address a younger Domme, who does not feel old enough to be called "Ma'am" prior to being familiar enough to use a first name or "Mistress".

You gave me a chance to brush up on my Russian, so all is forgiven.

As for that in-between word... well jeez, I'm stumped too. Could always just call me by my forum handle or even shorten it to Pyrr.

_____________________________

Ти саркастична, це – доля,
Ти артистична в неволі,
Ти симпатична в цій ролі,
Ти синтетична до болю

Read my series, Taking Jessica, on http://www.akashaweb.com !

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 65

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 10:34:29 AM

aidan

Posts: 904
Joined: 5/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

quote:

ORIGINAL: atursvcMaam

having read this, i first, apologize for having called You Ma'am, and simply ask, is there an appropriate way to address a younger Domme, who does not feel old enough to be called "Ma'am" prior to being familiar enough to use a first name or "Mistress".

You gave me a chance to brush up on my Russian, so all is forgiven.

As for that in-between word... well jeez, I'm stumped too. Could always just call me by my forum handle or even shorten it to Pyrr.

I always think of you as "Pyrrse", pronounced Peer-see in my head.

_____________________________

Do what now?

"I aim to misbehave."
-Mal Reynolds

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 66

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 10:49:13 AM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressVnus

You just don't call someone "Mistress", OR "Master" in and of itself, unless it is your OWNER!!

What is being said is that if someone has a title in their user name, use the entire name and not just the title unless you've been given the ok for it. Or, you may shorten it; but not to just the title.

Example: MistressVnus = MistressVnus or Vnus or Venus, but not Mistress

LadyPact = LadyPact or Pact or even LP, but not Lady

It's one of the more basic protocols to learn and will save you a whole lot of real life grief if ever you are lucky enough to meet a dominant woman in the real world. Yes, some people are more stringent about this than others; but it is always best to err on the side of caution if you desire to make a good impression.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame

If you went onto say a music forum, and signed on with the name 'Mr Big' then when people refer to you directly they're going to call you 'Mr Big'.

Now, even according to your own example; you make no mention of anyone simply calling Mr. Big 'Mr.' or 'Mister'.

The OP is not presenting herself as 'Mistress', but as 'MistressVnus'... is this really so hard to grasp? Just because this is online, do you think you shouldn't take the same consideration as you would in real life?

Much to do about nothing. If someone's full title/name is Dr. Smith, it's considered OK to refer to them as either Doctor or Dr. Smith. Yes, there is a little difference between these two situations, and "Mistress" alone might be seen to imply a more personal relationship, but it's not necessarily so. People might use the title simply as a token of respect.

Bottom line: if you want to be "Mistress" only to your subs, and not to other people, you probably shouldn't use the title in presenting yourself to the public at large.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 67

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 11:00:47 AM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

Much to do about nothing. If someone's full title/name is Dr. Smith, it's considered OK to refer to them as either Doctor or Dr. Smith. Yes, there is a little difference between these two situations, and "Mistress" alone might be seen to imply a more personal relationship, but it's not necessarily so. People might use the title simply as a token of respect.

Bottom line: if you want to be "Mistress" only to your subs, and not to other people, you probably shouldn't use the title in presenting yourself to the public at large.

That's kind of what I was thinking too. Perhaps because none of our scene friends are what would be considered old guard, I don't understand the significant difference between calling you "Mistress" and "MistressVenus". Of course when one reads your profile it's quite clearly stated, but many people on the internet are stoopid, and may or may not do that before sending mail.

Yes, I spelled stupid wrong on purpose. I'm not stoopid myself.

Daddy's Ballerina "e"

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 68

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 11:13:21 AM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressVnus

quote:

usually a mix of Sir his name and if he enjoys Daddy.

Do you call every m/Dominant Daddy?
NO
Because it is a sign that he owns "you." You are "His" girl. Do you want all other girls to call your Daddy, Daddy? NO
Same thing with Master/Mistress. It is reserved for the intimacy of that couple's dynamic

Do I call every male Im in a familiar/friendly relationship Sir? Yes I do even if thats all I call my owner I will still call close friends Sir.
If another girl called him daddy it might bother me a little but not that much, it would only bother me if they were calling him as such because they were Also his girl. Just like my (invisdibal) D type shouldnt get angry over people calling me kitten/slut/pet/insert names here, unless they are calling me it as a sign of me being theirs. A names a name, if I let every name someone calls me bother me, id be in one bothersome situation.

While you say its reserved for more of the dynamic, you missed the main point of my post. Unforturnely the internet is a wide spread thing and what works on one network doesnt work well with another. I understand you do not like to be called Just Mistress and wish to have Venus attached. Some people who have only experienced this type of chat or that, might have been taught protocol that calling someone other then only Mistress or only Master was against the rules. Its frustrating, but not everyone follows your protocol, but welcome to the world of online chatting. My protocol I only call those I highly respect as Sir or Maam. I will not call anyone but someone I respect Sir or Maam. I wasnt raised in the south so Sir and Maam unless on a military base was not common to hear and reserved for elders and such who has earned respect and the title in the community. Everyone else is called by their names or, "Im sorry Im having a blond moment whats your name again?"

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to MistressVnus)

Post #: 69

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 11:17:58 AM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

quote:

Bottom line: if you want to be "Mistress" only to your subs, and not to other people, you probably shouldn't use the title in presenting yourself to the public at large.

To both SingleRarity and hardbodysub. I am very tolerant of it and it generally doesn't happen except in some email petitions. I don't even correct them then unless they interest me enough to take it to chat. At that point I will indicate my preference. I understand that not everyone has the same protocols and many have been trained, or exposed, or not even exposed, to different things. Especially these days. However, I found it a topic worth discussing in the hopes that more might be edified regarding these certain protocls.

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to SingleRarity)

Post #: 70

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 11:20:58 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The problem here is that you're expecting everyone else to magically know your protocols. If it's that important then write it in your profile. Gives you an easy way to screen out those who didn't bother to read your profile. But blaming someone for not reading your mind? Not fair.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 71

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 11:21:13 AM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

quote:

My point is: Why did you post your OP? Was it simply to vent or was it with a thought to change things?

I actually just answered this question in a response to someone else. The actual intent of the OP was to, hopefully, open the discussion so that more might become aware that such protocols even exist.

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 72

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 11:40:26 AM

Luciferica

Posts: 231
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline

I don't even like mistress from my own sub, much less someone who's not

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 73

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 11:55:10 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear MistressVnus, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I know and consider myself very old fashioned and high protocol minded. However, I also have no expectations of others addressing me as I prefer, sometimes -- it is another person's attempt to flatter or, sincerely give the utmost respect. It goes back to the 'spirit of intentions' in a person's approach. I am very sad to see when 'good intending' submissives, slaves and or servants; get 'kicked in the teeth' for even trying and because they lack the 'mind reading' skills--are punished mentally, emotionally and spiritually for trying their 'dead level best' to approach with dignity and respect.

Some slave, submissive, servant, pet and such like individuals are shy, nervous and misguided when they approach. I personally wish to approach a 'unearned' title by such individuals as graciously as possible and applaud the courage of any submissive, slave, pet and or servant.

I find it my personal duty to inform in a kind manner, the differences of title use and meaning. I wish never to hurt an individual's approach to me. I respect those who do try to be correct and are not. At least they try. It is my honor to give them a hand up into this very judgmental 'community.'

That said, I have owned slaves to which 'titled' me as Master. Heterosexuals who have problems in using Master, often entitle me as a Mistress. It goes back again to the 'intent' of the title. All my slaves have given great attachment to the title; as their Owner, a Trainer and someone who is always working endlessly on the mastery.
I find, that through the 34 years in the lifestyle--learning is never done; regardless if Dominant or submissive.

In summary, I might not be 'Your' Mistress however, you all shall have my respect as a Dominant lady.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MistressVnus)

Post #: 74

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 12:04:23 PM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

quote:

I find it my personal duty to inform in a kind manner, the differences of title use and meaning.

I agree, Lady Hugs. And, I have stated in a couple posts already that I am tolerant of those who approach in such a manner. And, as I have also stated in a couple of other responses, the entire intention of this thread was for the purpose of, hopefully, edifying more out there in the general public that these protocols do exist.

I know it is especially confusing for those who have only been exposed to ProDominas because this type of protocol driven mannerism is dropped to fulfill that person's wants/needs to feel as though they are owned for that hour/day....whatever.
And, I am guilty of this myself.

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 75

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 1:30:47 PM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

quote:

ORIGINAL: atursvcMaam

having read this, i first, apologize for having called You Ma'am, and simply ask, is there an appropriate way to address a younger Domme, who does not feel old enough to be called "Ma'am" prior to being familiar enough to use a first name or "Mistress".

You gave me a chance to brush up on my Russian, so all is forgiven.

As for that in-between word... well jeez, I'm stumped too. Could always just call me by my forum handle or even shorten it to Pyrr.

first, please let me offer my humble apologies to Mistress Venus for this brief diversion, and for making something seem more complicated than it should be. i have a tendency to look at words for what they mean, and not necessarily what they imply.
   imho, for good or for bad:
  Ma'am is a contraction of Madame, which translates as My Lady.
  (militarily Ma'am or Sir means, yes, You could trust me to stand behind You with a loaded rifle, that i would follow You into the fray of battle and take orders from You.) Age was never a question.
    Pyrrsefanie, Your post on another thread brought to mind Persephone, Goddess of the Underworld, and (i just found out) Queen of Spring. Goddess or Your Highness seemed somewhat pushy. and Pyrr seemed too short to realize the connection.   i thank You very much for Your response.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 76

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 2:08:13 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

Online I'm known as Wickad. This is how I sign my posts and this is the name that comes up when using IM. Sometimes I've added a "Ms" to the front of it because I've been mistaken for a man in chat rooms.

That all being said, I am often called "Mistress" and it does annoy me. I do believe that those who call me this do it out of some form of ignorance and/or an attempt to curry favour with me. I usually correct them and go on from there.

As much as the internet has been a great tool for the BDSM community (information dissemination, meeting like minded people, combating intolerance through education, etc) it has also led to a proliferation of wannabes and users. Many of these people use what they consider appropriate language to blend in with those who have a real (hate to use that word here) interest in BDSM as a lifestyle choice or even those with a sincere interest in accentuating their sex lives. It's hard to differentiate between these types of people and simple newbies as they both tend to use the same vernacular (ie: Mistress). Add to this the number of women users who are just 'playing at BDSM' and demand to be called "Mistress" and ... well, it does get to be a really large mess.

I take being called "Mistress" by a stranger as 1) a probable newbie or 2) a probable user. I use it as an early warning system - lol. It is up to me to try and differentiate the two and act accordingly. I guess this is just part of the cost of doing 'business' online.

Wickad

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 77

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 2:46:09 PM

mantis65

Posts: 456
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

Sorry Ms Venus I probably over reacted what you were trying to say.
I would never call a woman I was not intimately involved with sweetheart or honey either.
Outside of any protocol it its just plain inappropriate in real vanilla life.

The trouble with protocol online is I have been to a few chat rooms where it was demanded and soon people are all speaking in 3rd person and after a half hour I feel like I am in some dungeons and dragons game.
Also I am 98% sure most of the people in the chat room were just repeating phrases and ideas they gleaned from online porn.
Maybe in real life with real eye contact rituals of interaction like that would work.
It’s hard to prove you’re willing to submit to total strangers online when you know in your heart that’s unrealistic.
And if you fail to follow their protocols or disagree with them then your are not a “true” submissive.
I think if a relationship with other people is going to involve sirs and madams.
Speech restrictions earning titles, all that stuff should be done in the real world where it can be real.

Online is just a game most of the time to but a handful of people.

< Message edited by mantis65 -- 4/4/2008 2:48:01 PM >

(in reply to HardToTame)

Post #: 78

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 4:57:28 PM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

quote:

Speech restrictions earning titles, all that stuff should be done in the real world where it can be real.

Oh, I really understand what you mean about chat rooms. I can't say much, though. As, I remember when I first got my computer. That's all I'm going to say....LOL

As far as the protocols go, I am pretty much referring to the real world. And any protocols in chat that I would address would be with someone who is petitioning for a "real" position.

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to mantis65)

Post #: 79

RE: I am NOT YOUR MISTRESS!! - 4/4/2008 10:07:53 PM

LadyNlace

Posts: 25
Joined: 2/13/2008
Status: offline

I agree, when someone calls me Mistress and they are not mine, its like nails on a chalk board. The new "my lady" is just as agrivating. Im not "your" lady either. Im Ms Jewel.. Unless I collar you and then I have blerb on my journal about that too. I think calling someone Mistress or Master is rude and shows a lack not only of basic mannors, but of this lifestyle in genral.
Ms Jewel

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 80

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