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What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 7:06:44 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Abuse isn't healthy

If  you feel abused, whatever is going on, isn't for you.  If it makes you happy, it MIGHT be good for you.  For example, taking pain meds to deal with genuine pain is good, taking them to dull your senses isn't.

So, if a spanking feels abusive, makes  you doubt yourself, it isn't right for you.  If having your mistress squat over your face and use you for a toilet makes the rest of your day bright and shiny, go for it.

If your master makes you suck off strangers and you end up feeling less of a person, it isn't healthy for you, if it makes you feel like a glorious sex goddess/slut/whore whatever and there is a spring in your step, go for it.

If being abandoned in a corner makes you doubt his love, it isn't good for you, if it makes you happy the next day that your sexual manipulation doesn't work on this amazing strong man, go for it.

If his emotionless style makes you feel empty and worthless, leave him, if it gives you structure and you do better at work, run with it.

Being a submissive isn't about being pushed down, even if someone is pushing you down, it is about playing with things, unusual things, that at the end of the day make you feel lifted up, fulfilled, and in short fucking happy as all hell.

(The next line is blatently stolen from CreativeDominant)

It shouldn't make you go to bed night after night praying that it will get better tomorrow


< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 4/7/2008 7:58:17 AM >
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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 7:14:30 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline


I might hafta put a link to another one of your threads in my journal Michael!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 7:15:25 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I was all ready to get medieval on your ass, but I agreed with everything you just wrote. 

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 7:25:31 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael




Being a submissive isn't about being pushed down, even if someone is pushing you down, it is about playing with things, unusual things, that at the end of the day make you feel lifted up, fulfilled, and in short fucking happy as all hell.  If it doesn't, why the fuck are you doing it?



Enough said. Sad how many never figure this out even when told bluntly.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 7:35:50 AM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

that at the end of the day make you feel lifted up, fulfilled, and in short fucking happy as all hell.  If it doesn't, why the fuck are you doing it?


True of any relationship --  kink, vanilla or otherwise -- or even your job. Excellent words!

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink) 

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Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
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With the deviant ingredient
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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 7:48:24 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Nicely written, Michael. 

I wonder why it is so hard for so many to understand the concept you stated so well...any relationship, whether it be with a dominant, a submissive, a lover, a friend, a sibling, a child should be good overall, should lift you up overall, should make you feel better inside.  It shouldn't make you go to bed night after night praying that it will get better tomorrow...especially when you have the sinking feeling that you are doing all the work to make it so.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:00:19 AM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Being a submissive isn't about being pushed down, even if someone is pushing you down, it is about playing with things, unusual things, that at the end of the day make you feel lifted up, fulfilled, and in short fucking happy as all hell.  If it doesn't, why the fuck are you doing it?

Well put! If I knew how to do those yellow clappy things, I'd do a bunch of them here.

pip, glad somebody finally said it

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:01:54 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Every submissive should be told to talk to me first and what Michael said.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:06:15 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I wonder why it is so hard for so many to understand the concept you stated so well...


Because we are used to modeling ourselves on others.  I see "Jack and jill" doing their hard core S&M/Old Guard thing in the corner and they are happy so I do what they do and it doesn't work for me and I assume I am just not hard core enough.  Or I see "CrappyDom and sillygirl" being all light hearted and I emulate them and it isn't right for me.

It takes a LONG time just to learn the difference between telling your partner "you are a fucking slut" and instead saying "you are MY fucking slut".  Sure as hell took me a long time.

Same goes for hurting my partner, it has only been recently that I found a partner I trusted enough to explore my inner sadist and I still am fearful of going there. 

Understanding that what you see going on visually in a relationship or a scene and what is going on internally for them are two VERY different things takes a long time to learn.  Then you have another learning curve of figuring out how to find out what is going on.  Then you have to learn to allow yourself the same sort of dichotomy.  Now everyone's path through this is a bit different but that was mine.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:08:06 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I find it disheartening that these things have to be said to adults.  Shouldn't there be a test or something before we turn people loose into the world?? 

Cali


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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:10:09 AM   
spinninsweetness


Posts: 477
Joined: 3/6/2008
From: London
Status: offline 		A good post for anyone doubting themselves, thankyou OP

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:14:03 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Cali,

Just remember, I would have failed this for 70% of my time "in the lifestyle" which is a bit over a decade.

I formed my first group after being in the scene less than a year
I owned a dungeon after being in the scene for less than five
I ripped out about a solid half dozen hearts (One thing I am proud of is that I never "did" all the women who offered themselves to me, I stayed clear of people in relationships, even if they were open)

It was only about three years ago that I went through some intensive anger management therapy that allowed me to work though some anger issues that caused me to be emotionally abusive to my intimate partners. (now I just abuse idiots when mod 11 isn't looking)

I have been in my first fully adult and healthy relationship for a year this month, a feat I am very very proud of.  And yes, it took long enough!

However, lets NOT derail this thread with this...

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 4/7/2008 8:15:54 AM >

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:17:31 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline 		Very well said and greatly stated

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"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:29:48 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I find it disheartening that these things have to be said to adults.  Shouldn't there be a test or something before we turn people loose into the world?? 

Cali

There probably should be, Cali, but, unfortunately there isn't.  People are required to pass a test to get a driver's license, but not to get married or, have children or, have sexual relations. 
 
Unfortunately, being emotionally mature is not a requirement for people to get involved in intimate relationships, whether BD/SM activities are involved or not.  This isn't just a case of 'newbies' not understanding what they should and shouldn't expect from their relationship or what is and isn't acceptable behavior of their partner.  Many 'vanilla' people, who are not 'new' to intimate relationships, end up getting involved with an abusive partner. 
 
A lot of times people find themselves in abusive relationships (of the vanilla variety), not because they are submissive, but because they don't really spend the time, beforehand, thinking about what it is they really need from a relationship and clearly stating their values, objectives, wants and needs prior to hopping in the sack and saying, "I love you".  They just like the guy's car or his smile or he likes how she looks in a pair of jeans and high heels.  In other words, they are thinking with their 'other brain', the one between their legs, rather than the one between their shoulders.  As far as i'm, concerned, this is not a BD/SM thing.  This is a relationship thing. 
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:55:52 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I agree joy, it is a relationship thing.  Goes hand in hand with the other thread on figuring out what you want.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 8:58:24 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'm going to disagree. I'm going to disgree because of some very specific circumstances that have happened for people more than once. Sometimes we get into D/s and SM as a growth path. And on that growth path sometimes it stirs up feelings of being abused. And may even look that way to the outside world. However, the goal is not to reduce the being(s) involved but evolve them.

What about someone who was abused as a child during inappropriate spankings? As an adult the action may in fact feel like abuse....what if it's a push to get past it?

What if abandonment has been an issue for the individual involved? What if they have ability at all to function without being at their partner's side? And now...corner time is the push.

These aren't the only instances of "non-abuse," that stir up feelings of being abused and even hurt emotionlly AND have the purpose of pushing the individuals involved to grow. As it's kindly put to me, "It's part of My job as a D-type to help you be the very best of you can be and sometimes that means going through some hard things together."

I'm a rape survivor. I hated my first rape scene. I holed up for days. And when I finally did what I needed to do for me in that time and "emerged" I was better for it. It also happen to be the first time in years that I had slept through an entire night. Did the scene feel like abuse while it happened? Yes. Did I dream of the moment it would end and doubt every ounce of who I am? Yes. Am I better for it? Undoubtedly.

Your are that no one needs to suffer abuse in the name of "love." Also, just because it "feels" like abuse, doesn't mean it is.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 9:07:59 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		BoiJen,

Thanks for your insightful comments.

If doing "Play X" stirs up feelings of "Real X" and those involved don't have the skills to move past it, they shouldn't do it.

I am curious how long  you had been in the scene when you found the person who moved you past your rape by doing rape play.   Is that person new or are they skillful?  I bet the answer is that you had gotten better about choosing partners and that partner was a skillful and experienced dominant.  If so, I think  your example is the sort of exception that proves the rule.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 9:15:49 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		It was actually one of my first scenes with this individual...who happens to be a sex therapist. However, I didn't talk to her through what I was going through. We did the scene and as I said I holed up. I stayed in my apartment and wouldn't leave for something like three or four days. Being honest with one's self during the moment that feel "abusive" is what help distinguish between those feelings and the reality.

Let me be clear, if an individual feels absued and has taken stock of a situation as to the actuality of  BEING abused and finds out that to be true...then they need to seek help and support. No matter what the dynamic of the relationship.

Working through past abuse by "enacting" it is NOT for the light of heart. It takes a great deal of strength and knowing the support is there...whether you choose to use the support or not.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 9:24:45 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry BoiJen you can put whatever spin on it as you want but abuse is abuse. Here it is all a matter if you want to be abused or not. You can call it consensual abuse.

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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/7/2008 9:52:16 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		BoiJen,
 
Your courage and honesty are admirable and it's great that you have been able to work past the trauma of rape that you experienced.  But, there are other means to work through trauma than be going through a reenactment or repeating the abusive behavior. 
 
You are fortunate to have been able to get through your experience, intact and feeling healthier.  But, there is a huge difference between 'play rape' and rape.  For one thing, all of the participants in a play rape scene are there willingly.  No one should be involved, who doesn't want to be.  Also, no matter how realistic the play rape is, all of the participants, including the 'victim' knows that, at any point, it can be stopped.  If that weren't the case, it would no longer be play rape, it would be rape.  So, however slight it might be (or seem to be) at the time, there is the mental aspect of knowing that you have some control over what's happening to you. 
 
In an abusive relationship, there is often the feeling that everything is "out of control", from the abused partner's state mind, any way and, the fear that the abusive partner instills in the other person is what they use to manipulate the abused and keep them in that place of feeling helpless.
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

(in reply to BoiJen)
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