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RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/14/2008 10:31:55 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Abuse isn't healthy

If you feel abused, whatever is going on, isn't for you. If it makes you happy, it MIGHT be good for you. For example, taking pain meds to deal with genuine pain is good, taking them to dull your senses isn't.

So, if a spanking feels abusive, makes you doubt yourself, it isn't right for you. If having your mistress squat over your face and use you for a toilet makes the rest of your day bright and shiny, go for it.

If your master makes you suck off strangers and you end up feeling less of a person, it isn't healthy for you, if it makes you feel like a glorious sex goddess/slut/whore whatever and there is a spring in your step, go for it.

If being abandoned in a corner makes you doubt his love, it isn't good for you, if it makes you happy the next day that your sexual manipulation doesn't work on this amazing strong man, go for it.

If his emotionless style makes you feel empty and worthless, leave him, if it gives you structure and you do better at work, run with it.

Being a submissive isn't about being pushed down, even if someone is pushing you down, it is about playing with things, unusual things, that at the end of the day make you feel lifted up, fulfilled, and in short fucking happy as all hell.

(The next line is blatently stolen from CreativeDominant)

It shouldn't make you go to bed night after night praying that it will get better tomorrow

Exactly!

(I have entered some weird, alternate Collarme where all the posts I'm opening I actually agree with wholeheartedly! I like this place!)

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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Post #: 61

RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/15/2008 10:46:06 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

I think that newbies should understand the first dynamic/individual they meet may well not be the ideal benchmark. This is not about mentoring necessarily, I know some *excellent* mentors with whom I have grown and leanred a lot in perfect saftey and mutual comfort. This is about finding the context you fit into within the lifestyle.

I have recently, like the last few month, been introducing a *totally* vanilla friend into the lifestyle ... first showing her forums like this one and IC... introducing her to lifestyle friends, and then finally this weekend we went to Machester for a club night, a munch the following day, and a intimate play party in a dungeon. It was crucial she met people other than me because of how .. specialised .. what I look for is. She needed the experience of talking to people who are not 24/7 .. who dont look for TPE ... and who enjoy perfectly healthy relationships not based on power exchange but based on play instead. It was curcial she did this so that I didn't warp her views and she end up thinking that *my* way was the only way because my way will not make her happy. She will make a smoking hot, submissive and be happy and fulfilled and she should embrace that and not beat herself up for not being some cage obssessed downtrodden, degredation slut like myself.

The first people I met in the scene were Heavy bottoms, pain sluts, extreme masochists. Even now I torture myself for not being this big bad bottom. I worry frequently I will not be a satisfying play partner because I am not extreme or edgy enough. This is ridiculous, I played in public this weekend and had people leaving the play area to find the DM to complain, I am actively persuing a TPE relationship, my idea of a romatic weekend away involves chemical brainwashing. But even today I have thought, He will get bored of me, I wont be enough for Him. This is because when I put myself in context 7 years ago I did it surrounded by people who were not a good place to start.

Newbies .... mix and mix well ... dont make any decisions about yourself until you have seen the full range of what flavours us perverts come in ../.. and never assume you are wrong just because the person next to you is different.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

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Post #: 62

RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/15/2008 12:15:26 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I think this kind of thing isn't specific to BDSM but should be taught in school. Obviously without the specifics mentioned. But that if you feel good about it, then it isn't abusive. But if it makes you feel worse about yourself then it is. Basic relationship advice.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to softness)

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Post #: 63

RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/15/2008 9:04:32 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Enough said. Sad how many never figure this out even when told bluntly.

I don't think it's that they don't figure it out, it's just they don't really understand how to get out of it. Some submissive women tend to keep giving and following even after they shouldn't. Thinking like it was said, It'll get better tomorrow.

I truly enjoyed the post! THANKS!

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

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Post #: 64

RE: What every newbie should be told - 4/16/2008 10:08:25 AM

princessbunny99

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

The first people I met in the scene were Heavy bottoms, pain sluts, extreme masochists. Even now I torture myself for not being this big bad bottom. I worry frequently I will not be a satisfying play partner because I am not extreme or edgy enough.

I'm a newbie and I feel the same fears about not being subby enough, not being a masochist enough. I just don't care for pain, but I love being a service submissive. I'm most happy when fufilling a task or sitting quietly, waiting for my next order.

I think those of us who don't want to be whipped till we bleed need a support group sometimes ;D

(in reply to softness)

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Post #: 65