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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/10/2008 8:15:55 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame
I'm curious, whats the desire a Mistress see's in having control?
Could be sexual or otherwise, like, basically I'm asking why does having power get you off? (metaphorically speaking).

For me it is very simple. I enjoy being needed, to a far greater extent than simply being desired. My power exchange with the boys is just that, an exchange. They give me the power to do as I please, and to direct them as I want. In exchange, they tend to need that direction. Fox will tell you, he has become quite dependant. Angel has as well, which surprised the hell out of him.
I also enjoy the ability to be sadistic without worrying that I will scare someone. I do not get much out of vanilla sex and relationships, and so I prefer to be involved with someone who can enjoy my alternate preferences.

DV


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(in reply to HardToTame)
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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/10/2008 10:11:19 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
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From: Domme Emeritus
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

( A) No one can direct or react to My life better than I can
(B) Most men suck at sex without direction
(C) Tormenting and Terrorizing a hot cock, is hot.
 
 
IMHEO
 
 
 


DITTO!!!!

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/10/2008 10:37:53 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame
I'm curious, what's the desire a Mistress sees in having control?  I don't understand it. 
Could be sexual or otherwise, like, basically I'm asking why does having power get you off? (metaphorically speaking).



Do I smell a SAM? [smart-ass masochist who disobeys in order to be punished]
And you won't attract any Dommes with your profile; I think that should be your next thread:   what do Mistresses seek in a sub?

But in case you're honestly asking:
Nothing metaphorical about it:  a strong, attractive, intelligent alpha male [I've Taken cops, Broadway stars, doctors, lawyers] bound or kneeling and calling me 'Master' gives me a soft-on [female equivalent of a hard-on].  Strapons give me pleasure without worrying about bladder infections, std's, or pregnancy, theirs or mine, and Queening/face-sitting gives me multiple and g-spot orgasms guaranteed.
Remember, subs don't often get to orgasm; it's their pleasure that's more subtle or metaphorical; a real sub 'gets off' on being praised and serving well. 

(in reply to HardToTame)
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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 12:04:56 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I have a calling to be the Guide, Teacher, Mentor, Leader...Master...in certain relationships. This is a spiritual role in a few people's lives. It's not about the SM, although that can certainly be included...and it's not about the sex, although, again, that can be a part of it. It's about fulfilling a need in my life and having that fulfillment reach a person who is fulfilled from the other side. Deep down, it's about service...their service to me, my service to them and our service to the Universe, whatever shape that may have.

Master Fire


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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 1:47:14 AM   
chezzy52


Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		I think a new thread should be started as to why men suck at sex.As a man,i should run to the defense of my bretheren but i have reasons why i shouldn't and even more as to why we are so misgided.I think i'll do it!!

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 1:51:44 AM   
MissMagnolia


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

What's the point of the OP?  Are you directing the same question to males, because if someone is dominant, it's because they ARE, gender has nothing to do with it.

My dominance is not sexually based.  It's all about having power--whether I actually use it or not.  It pleases me just to know that I CAN do something.


That's pretty much my feeling about the whole thing.

To Dnomyar, if I crawl to you much longer, I'm going to get callouses on me knees!!

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 6:11:01 AM   
mmayhem


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline 		Not so long ago I walked a different path, I had co-topped with other Mistresses but I believed that it was a place that might be nice to visit sometimes. And then I met him, my pony, my boy, my man. And suddenly there I was, a Mistress with very little skills. And he knew what he wanted, had so much more experience than I. But we clicked. On paper it never should have worked but here we are just passing 2 1/2 years and still there is a fire and a passion the likes of which I have never known before.

For me it is about a gift freely given of trust and power exchange. We seek the earth shattering bliss of pain and pleasure. He finds in in surrender and I find it in his moans and whimpers and cries. His tears are the gift he gives us both.

We live this life every day now.

Years ago when I was a part of fun group of artists (on the east coast), we all had strange names, my lover at the time named me Mother Mayhem, he decided that was not a good name for a Fetish and BDSM photographer so he gave me the second name Mistress Mayhem, I took that name for my studio and with my first names initial became Mmayhem. I have carried that name now for over 6 years. At that time I was not a mistress and identified as a switch and had not ever done any topping on my own... Life is so strange and wonderful when you are open to the possibilities before you. Every day is a gift I cherish.

< Message edited by mmayhem -- 4/11/2008 6:15:38 AM >

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 6:49:23 AM   
Tantriqu


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quote:

ORIGINAL: chezzy52

I think a new thread should be started as to why men suck at sex.As a man,i should run to the defense of my bretheren but i have reasons why i shouldn't and even more as to why we are so misgided.I think i'll do it!!


Couldn't disagree more.  Men are careful, thoughtful, curious, attentive, grateful, giving, exciting lovers [mine, anyway.  Boo yah!].  We are human high-performance race cars; can't expect them to drive 130 mph around a lot of curves first time behind/infront of our steering wheel, especially since no stick.  Just need to take 'em out on the highway a few times, and -- then that magic.

Men don't suck at sex as long as they lick, too.  And I wouldn't fuck any other sex.

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 4:44:56 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		i would like to thank the OP (HardtoTame) for this question he has posed. When and if i am contacted by a Mistress it is the first and most important question i try to get answered, if i can ever get one. It is the answer that i seek to give me an understanding of the reason why one would be taking an interest on myself and not the clothes i wear or the car i drive or my financial status.

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 9:40:40 PM   
Mustardseed


Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I'm also incredibly shallow.  It does nothing for me to see a man endure this unless the man turns me on.  What "turns me on" about a man can vary greatly though.


Oh, yes -- I relate. If there's nothing about the person that compels me to touch them, then for all of the charge I've gotten out of domination I'd have to pass -- the charge wouldn't be there. I also have some debatable personal aesthetics (I have a serious kink for certain portrayals of Frankenstein's monster, for instance), so what gets me hot doesn't tend to be a conventional standard of beauty.

quote:

I also can be turned on by a man I have never seen or met, if I like his voice.  Or accent.  Of course, I just imagine him to be whatever I want in my head. 


I spent a fair amount of my only brief visit to London walking around, listening to people talk and trying not to grin like a maniac.


As to what I get out of having control, there's a great deal. Getting back from my boy what I've missed from most of my other interactions, the freedom to explore freely with the understanding that I'll be forgiven a genuine and acknowledged mistake, the credit that I'm running the scene from the front rather than from behind as I have in most of my relationships ... and, frankly, the fact that my boy being in pain for me makes me wet and thunderously horny. Its him opening himself up to me. This dynamic works, and the next one I encounter might not simply based on the chemistry between those involved.



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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/11/2008 10:45:18 PM   
AAkasha


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I have a calling to be the Guide, Teacher, Mentor, Leader...Master...in certain relationships. This is a spiritual role in a few people's lives. It's not about the SM, although that can certainly be included...and it's not about the sex, although, again, that can be a part of it. It's about fulfilling a need in my life and having that fulfillment reach a person who is fulfilled from the other side. Deep down, it's about service...their service to me, my service to them and our service to the Universe, whatever shape that may have.

Master Fire



While I know it is not all-emcompassing, sometimes I think it's interesting and enlightening to divide female domination into two categories: Active and Passive.  Neither is better than the other.

Active:  The woman enjoys DOING things to the submissive. Restraining him, hurting him, humiliating him, fucking him with a strap on, whatever.
Passive: The woman enjoys being served.  Being massaged, catered to, being worshipped and adored.

I'm more of an active femdom.  That's not to say I don't enjoy a good massage or nice service, but at the core, my lust is to DO things to a man and see his reaction.  If I had 60 minutes with Johnny Depp, I would not have him rubbing my shoulders or kissing my feet. I would have him bound and gagged and be torturing him (in good fun, of course).

Akasha


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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 2:43:24 AM   
RumpusParable


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Status: offline 		I just get to be myself...  nothing more than that, really.

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 6:07:46 AM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline 		For me, the rush I get from domination isn't about controlling someone else.  It's about having complete control of myself.  Within the confines of my little kingdom, it's All About Me.  I am queen in my castle and am the central focus of all that occurs.  I do what I want, and he does what I want.  My hubby is submitting to me when he cleans my house while I sit on my butt and read the paper and when he makes the 20 mile drive into town when he'd rather stay home and relax because I want some chocolate.  That's where I get my rush. 

I don't feel that my hubby is submitting to me when I'm beating or burning or banging him.  I really enjoy that, but for me it's sex/play/games, it's not d/s.  When it comes to kinky play I actually feel more domly when I'm the bottom than when I'm the top.  When I'm topping, I'm directing the action and doing stuff that appeals to me, but my focus is on my playmate - what they're feeling, how they're reacting, what I need to do to get the happy moans and screams that I love to hear.  When I'm bottomming, I'm still directing the action (I top from the bottom something awful) and doing stuff that appeals to me, but my focus is on me and my happy noises. 

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 7:22:32 AM   
ShaktiSama


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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
While I know it is not all-emcompassing, sometimes I think it's interesting and enlightening to divide female domination into two categories: Active and Passive.  Neither is better than the other.


That is a very interesting distinction, and I think what you're describing is a division in all dominance--it works for male dominants and female submissives too.

I deeply enjoy both the active and passive kinds of domination, and I do think there is some continuity between the two--there are many women on the forum who have said that even during sadistically active play, there is a sense that their partner is suffering for his lady.  I.e., there's an element of service in it, it's not about pure sensation, he would not enjoy or allow himself to be beaten or tormented by just anyone, just for the sake of the pain.

Also, I've noticed that whether I enjoy more active or passive dominance is very much a matter of how a submissive's fetishes operate.  Wherever I get the most energy and enthusiasm is where I  get the most pleasure.  Most extreme example of passive dominance:  I played once with a man who had a genuine massage fetish--all I had to do was strip, lie down on the massage surface he would set up on his bed, and be pleased by his ministrations.  Defniely was not hard work.  He was as devoted to his fetish as anyone, and the need to please in that specific scenario was as strong for him as the love that others might have for bondage, latex, etc..  And he taught me about Lush massage bars, which are now my favorite way to be massaged!   

Then there are some people who just need a lot of physical things done to their flesh.  The standards:  the sound and the fury of crops, canes, floggers, straps, whips and paddles; the stinging crack of open-handed blows while bent over my knee; the impact of fists thudding into the chest and back, the thighs and calves.  I've played with some weirder things over the years, and trailed the violet wand over a submissive body too--now there's a toy that invites teasing soft-voiced irony. "My goodness, all this screaming and squirming over a feather touch from this little wand!"  *zap*  "What a pity you're all tied up..."  *zap*

These things are about pure sensation, at the end of the day.  And yes, I would say that kind of dominance is extremely active--enough so that after delivering a beating in a club I usually return to my seat dripping sweat!

The one thing that the active/passive dichotomy doesn't capture, though, is emotional dominance.  There are so many acts which have a huge emotional component to them that far transcends the physical of who is serving or being served.  You can dominate just by looking at a submissive with the right expression on your face.  You can dominate with a word.  You can dominate by sitting fully clothed, casually reading a book and sipping a soda while a submissive sits nude at your feet, vulnerable and longing for attention.  You can invoke fear and desire in so many ways; even getting up as if you're going to leave the room is The End of the World sometimes.

I suppose it's too subtle and varied from person to person and relationship to be broken down to a simple serving/being served issue.  Nonetheless, it's part of every D/S dynamic; there's a flow of energy and expectations between the two people, and it can be very fluid.  Sometimes the emotional needs of the people involved create a very different power dynamic than one would expect--you see it best when the dominant's emotional need for submission from their partner is thwarted, or when the submissive's need for dominance is laid bare.

I've seen it as a theme in some of my favorite fiction, like Phantom of the Opera (which is essentially the tale of a submissive woman leaving her dom to marry her vanilla boyfriend) and the movie Labyrinth, which is generally silly but ends with those great lines from David Bowie about fulfilling the Bogeyman role for his partner in what he regards as a game:  

Jareth: Sarah, beware. I have been generous, up till now. I can be cruel.
Sarah:  Generous? What have you done that's generous?
Jareth:  Everything!
Everything that you wanted, I have done.
You asked that the child be taken--I took him.
You cowered before me--I was frightening.
I have reordered time.
I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you!
I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me.
Isn't that generous?

And of course, the final words of the spell that breaks the D/S dynamic permanently:  "For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great...you have no power over me." 

I always feel sorry for the male doms in these movies, even as I'm rooting for the bratty sub.  At the end, a good actor can really bring down the house with D/S heartbreak. 

< Message edited by ShaktiSama -- 4/12/2008 7:23:08 AM >

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 11:05:10 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
While I know it is not all-emcompassing, sometimes I think it's interesting and enlightening to divide female domination into two categories: Active and Passive.  Neither is better than the other.


That is a very interesting distinction, and I think what you're describing is a division in all dominance--it works for male dominants and female submissives too.

I deeply enjoy both the active and passive kinds of domination, and I do think there is some continuity between the two--there are many women on the forum who have said that even during sadistically active play, there is a sense that their partner is suffering for his lady.  I.e., there's an element of service in it, it's not about pure sensation, he would not enjoy or allow himself to be beaten or tormented by just anyone, just for the sake of the pain.


(snipped)

Great thoughts - very interesting discussion and one I love having as I still, to this day, try to define myself.  I think the last line of the above paragraph is critical for me and must be a part of any topping that I do, but I have never thought about that as the passive, or service part of power exchange.  I have thought of that is part of active domination.

I also think there's another important distinction for me.  Passive domination - the receiving of massages, the hours of oral sex, the pampering - that must be driven by a foundation of love or deep affection.  That said, this style of "domination" I reserve for my husband only, because I am monogamous to the bone - it's in my wiring.  Whether or not that will change and evolve I am not sure, but I can say with pretty good confidence that I may enjoy topping many other men in the future, but only my husband will be worshiping my body, so to speak.

Active domination - -me physically hurting someone for the purpose of arousal or exictement - that's driven by lust, and I can feel that and desire that for a man I see walking down the street. I can also engage in it without risk of emotional conflict, feeling of guilt (toward my primary relationship).   I can see that bottoming - since it feeds a need of mine - is an act of service in inself.  But I see intimate worship or appreciation of my body to be something romantic based.

It's odd, and I don't know if anyone would understand this.  But with all of this in mind, I can see kissing a man as both an act of topping and an act of adoration/affection, and the second I would consider cheating and the first I would not.  It's all a matter of how the kiss is done.

There have been many times that I have wanted to just label myself a "top" and be done with it.  Yet my primary relationship is one based entirely on service, from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed. However, sometimes I wrestle with the idea that this might really have nothing to do with power exchange at all, and is simply a matter of our personalities. There is nothing sexual about the fact that he cooks the meals and cleans the floors.  It's just is what it is. However, the fact that I regularly need to tie him down and torture him is a function of my physical needs in this relationship.  But maybe deep down, really, I'm just a top.

Akasha


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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 8:46:46 PM   
HardToTame


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

quote:

ORIGINAL: HardToTame
I'm curious, what's the desire a Mistress sees in having control?  I don't understand it. 
Could be sexual or otherwise, like, basically I'm asking why does having power get you off? (metaphorically speaking).



Do I smell a SAM? [smart-ass masochist who disobeys in order to be punished]
And you won't attract any Dommes with your profile; I think that should be your next thread:   what do Mistresses seek in a sub?

But in case you're honestly asking:
Nothing metaphorical about it:  a strong, attractive, intelligent alpha male [I've Taken cops, Broadway stars, doctors, lawyers] bound or kneeling and calling me 'Master' gives me a soft-on [female equivalent of a hard-on].  Strapons give me pleasure without worrying about bladder infections, std's, or pregnancy, theirs or mine, and Queening/face-sitting gives me multiple and g-spot orgasms guaranteed.
Remember, subs don't often get to orgasm; it's their pleasure that's more subtle or metaphorical; a real sub 'gets off' on being praised and serving well. 



Well, I only disobey an order because I have very hard and strict limits, and, well theres a difference between a slave and a submissive.  A submissive submits, if you're going to submit, atleast fight to finish as much as you can.  Which is exactly how I see it.  I don't let people walk over me.  I'm not a push over, thus, it would take a VERY special domme to make me submit.  Atleast thats my point of view. 




In my work place, there's security guards.  I've seen the little one knock back patrons 3 times his size.  Now, I can understand how that must make him feel good, because they submit to his authority.  Until one doesn't and splits his head open.  In which case he would feel pretty crap, and I've often even thought,  not so much in a bdsm style,  more in a immature macho, masculine style, that, every man I think has that kind of David and Goliath fantasy where they slay the dragon or something equivalent.  Where some how, by some fluke they K.O. the man 6 times their own size.  So in a way, I think it might be somewhat of a variation of that for some people.  A man might want to fight the big brute 6 times his size and win, or take on 4 guys at once and be like Jet Lee or Jackie Chan and win, a woman, perhaps to be so beautiful and seductive and perfect that she can tame that man and take him at her knees. 

There has been times when one guard may be off work and another substitute steps in, and you can see they have no authority.  They are tiny and command no respect. 
But, size has absolutely nothing to do with it. Huge ones do the same.  I'm tiny, and I get more respect than some of them do just because, the look in their eye looks frightened.  They're afraid that when the man 6 times larger comes along, they're not going to have the courage to say "sorry you can't come in."  I think, just as animals sense fear, so do humans.  Even if we don't realise it.  It's in body language, eye contact etc.  I think a real domme could certainly pick up on real fear, and I'd like to think that it would be what gets her excited.  Like a dog barks when it knows your afraid.  (sorry to use that as a comparison.  I'm not trying to insinuate that anyone is a bitch or a dog or anything, just, if you don't understand what I'm saying turn back now)

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 8:54:20 PM   
MistressVnus


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quote:

Put your crack pipe down...


Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.....there went my wine all over the monitor.  Kudos!!!!


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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 9:04:48 PM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
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From: Central Florida
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quote:

Active:  The woman enjoys DOING things to the submissive. Restraining him, hurting him, humiliating him, fucking him with a strap on, whatever.
Passive: The woman enjoys being served.  Being massaged, catered to, being worshipped and adored.


I happen to enjoy both the active and passive roles.  Depends on my mood.  But I can really relate to your earlier post about that  "deer in the headlights" look when I request something of them.  Watching them process the move, mentally, from humility (humiating) to the need to please.  That is HOT!!

But the service oriented activites...message, cleaning, running errands, really endear me as well as there is NO immediate gratification other then to "please" me and make my life easier.  When I am "active," although it is for me...I know they receive an instant rush as well.
I like to remind them, then......"I do things TO YOU....FOR ME!!"

< Message edited by MistressVnus -- 4/12/2008 9:05:35 PM >

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 9:12:51 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu
Remember, subs don't often get to orgasm; it's their pleasure that's more subtle or metaphorical; a real sub 'gets off' on being praised and serving well. 


*shakes her head*  I just caught this line.  If submissives aren't supposed to orgasm--?  I've clearly been doing it wrong all these years. 

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RE: What does a Mistress see in it all? - 4/12/2008 9:23:30 PM   
aidan


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu
Remember, subs don't often get to orgasm; it's their pleasure that's more subtle or metaphorical; a real sub 'gets off' on being praised and serving well. 


*shakes her head*  I just caught this line.  If submissives aren't supposed to orgasm--?  I've clearly been doing it wrong all these years. 


Haha, I agree. I do get off on being a good li'l boy, no doubts, but that doesn't mean I don't like to ejaculate!

Chastity is an aqcuired taste, but one I don't like to develop if I don't have to. ;-p


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"I aim to misbehave."
-Mal Reynolds

(in reply to ShaktiSama)
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