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RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 10:05:08 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj
What about you LA- have you ever used silence with a purpose? did it work? What were you trying to get across?
I would be very happy to be patient if I was sure of him... or if he would give me some indication that he does have things well-in-hand or something like that. I did not post this after 1 day of silence.

I'm not saying that's what he IS doing, most of the time it is just insecure dorks who can't handle adult communication and are using dom as an excuse to hide or be an asshole.

But it is a valid perspective. I have used silence (which is not the same as shutting down all communication)- usually to get across that patience is needed, that emotions are too high, or that they need to try a new approach.

_____________________________

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Post #: 21

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 11:00:04 PM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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Silence is a anwers just like talking aobut it is.

BadOne

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Post #: 22

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/11/2008 11:14:40 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

What is the sound of One hand claping ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )

If a Dom walks in the woods and no one is there to admire him does his Ego Still Exist?

If a sub walks out of the woods with nothing in Hand has she failed or succeeded?

If you Kick a Unick in the Balls does it still hurt?

Do Lawn Gnomes ever have to pee?

Silence is One of those things that can mean OH SO MANY THINGS.

Maybe Silence means:

"I'm Listening but ron't really care"
"I don't actually understand so I'll say nothing"
"I don't want to deal with this right now so I'll use my Dom card and get away with saying NOTHING"
"I wonder if she has figured out I'm Gay yet?"
"I wonder is she knows she's gay yet?"
"Dear Cali Suggested I say NOTHING till she gives me a Blowjob"
"What was she saying I wasn't even paying attention"
" " (Meaning NOTHING IS NOTHING)

OP, the only way to find the answer to your personal situation is to ASK YOUR MASTER WHAT THE PURPOSE BEHIND HIS SILENCE IS!

As Frued was fond of saying:

"Somtimes a Cigar is Just a Cigar, and sometimes it is the Latent homosexual tendencies toward great danes and labradors brought on by the fact you hate your mother for having sex with your father when it was so obvious he would have been into you if that fluzy hadn't be Hoe'in in front of him" (I'm Paraphrasing)

Hope that helps

Steel

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Post #: 23

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 12:07:37 AM

Justme696

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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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silence can be
-sadness
-disappointment
-beeing stuborn
-punishment for the girl
-to stupid to communicate
-leaving

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Post #: 24

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 1:10:30 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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Now, I'm with DRH and LA on this one. I think we are too quick to let go of a good relationship these days. I've been with a man who really needed time to think, and he would come back with an answer in his own time. He wasn't ignoring me, he was thinking it through.

Whatever it is that's troubling you, the main rule for any of htis stuff FOR ME is that i don't allow myself to be harmed. That means that if he wanted to do something that harmed me, I had to stay away from him until we worked it through.

That meant one man left me when he was emotionally harming me and I stayed away. I told him what was happening, and he decided I wasn't slavey enough and wouldnt' talk to me about it. Your limits are what I tell you they are he says to me... please. Good riddance. Now another man said, ok... you take your time, i need to think about this, and we didn't interact for awhile, and then out of the blue he came back and told me what he thought, all was resolved, and Bob was my uncle and Fanny was my aunt.

Take your time. But don't let yourself get hurt either.

_____________________________

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(in reply to awakenednj)

Post #: 25

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 3:47:31 AM

eyesopened

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From: Tampa, FL
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It seems we suggest 'leave the bastard' so quickly. Have relationships gotten so disposible that we cut n run cuz he doesn't talk? Now, of course we are hearing only one side of things and usually the reality is somewhere in between what she said and what he said but we don't have his side to come to any real solution.

Sometimes silence means 'if you nag at me about this one more time I'm likely to throw something'. For the most part silence, when coupled with subject changes means 'I don't want to talk about it.'

Since we don't know what the thing is you need to discuss, that which has a negative impact on you, it's only you who can decide if that negative thing is worth ending the relationship over. Then i would suggest you say calmly and clearly, this thing "if not addressed will end our relationship" and then be prepared to follow through. Best of luck to you.

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(in reply to awakenednj)

Post #: 26

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 4:50:37 AM

RavenMuse

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Avoiding the question, ignoring the girl who is asking the question and other such modus operendi I see as very suspect indeed.

If someone is doing that with Me the next question to raise in My head is "What are they hiding"..... worst case is that there is some breach of trust going on, but also, in a situation like this, just maybe it is something he doesn't have an answer for and rather than say "I don't know" he feels ashamed and that he should know and thus is avoiding it.

Personaly I don't pretend to know everything, if I don't know then I don't know, if I need to know then I find out.

The one thing I don't do is avoid the issue like this as that in itself causes problems, not the least of which is a loss of trust.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to awakenednj)

Post #: 27

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 5:33:59 AM

awakenednj

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

"Dear Cali Suggested I say NOTHING till she gives me a Blowjob"

OP, the only way to find the answer to your personal situation is to ASK YOUR MASTER WHAT THE PURPOSE BEHIND HIS SILENCE IS!

Extra worried because Cali posted here and DIDN"T tell me to give him a bowjob...

I have asked him.... guess what his answer is?_________________________
For weeks now. (too embarrassed to say how long I've actually been letting this go, thinking hell come back around and tell me whats going on eventually. But, um, it's been a while...)

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 28

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 5:35:41 AM

LaTigresse

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I can only echo what sunshinemiss and eyesopened have already said.

All too often I read "dump the looser" on these forums when the person that typed it, along with the rest of us, are more clueless to what is really going on in a specific relationship, than knowledgable.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 29

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 5:42:41 AM

lusciouslips19

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I find it frustrating that someone asks what you think about so and so from the OP's description. Clearly everyone thinks he is a loser but the OP rarely listens. So what the point in even asking?

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Post #: 30

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 5:48:07 AM

awakenednj

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Joined: 2/10/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I can only echo what sunshinemiss and eyesopened have already said.

All too often I read "dump the looser" on these forums when the person that typed it, along with the rest of us, are more clueless to what is really going on in a specific relationship, than knowledgable.

Dump him is really NOT my first choice here... if it was why would I have posted this? I don't want to leave him... I want to understand him.

But I have fears... if I can't trust him (and hell this type of relationship takes more trust than Ive given anyone since i was an infant), and he doesn't after all, really understand the mental aspects, how they affect me and how to handle them on his end... I have a history of pretty serious depression and a 1year old to take care of. I cannot be in a constant state of unstable.

Posting here I am trying to find a way that my fears ARENT true... that there is another possibility... but honestly what maya2001 wrote kinda clanged that truth gong... it fits too well....

He is a good man, which is why the silence thing didn't seem to mesh. But if he is after a goal that i can't give him....

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 31

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 5:52:19 AM

awakenednj

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Joined: 2/10/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I find it frustrating that someone asks what you think about so and so from the OP's description. Clearly everyone thinks he is a loser but the OP rarely listens. So what the point in even asking?

I-for one- certainly am listening! Because I cant tell every detail, because I have to allow for me not stating myself well and others misunderstandgin, and because I don't fully understand the situation myself, I also have to decide for myself which answers fit and which don't.

I can't speak for anyone else, but if i ask a question, I AM listening to every answer and thinking on it.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 32

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 6:02:51 AM

LaTigresse

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Perhaps talking to him about the silence and what it means to him would be a good start.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to awakenednj)

Post #: 33

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 6:05:06 AM

KatyLied

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quote:

I want to understand him.

But in order to do that you must communicate with him. We can talk all day about the reasons he may be engaging in certain behavior. But none of us knows his motivation or issues. If you can't be in a constant state of unstable, tell him this and then decide how you are going to react with the outcome. If I had to spend weeks trying to figure something out I would probably not have the patience or inclination to think that I was dealing with a good man.

_____________________________

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- Albert Einstein

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Post #: 34

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 6:14:53 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I find it frustrating that someone asks what you think about so and so from the OP's description. Clearly everyone thinks he is a loser but the OP rarely listens. So what the point in even asking?

I-for one- certainly am listening! Because I cant tell every detail, because I have to allow for me not stating myself well and others misunderstandgin, and because I don't fully understand the situation myself, I also have to decide for myself which answers fit and which don't.

I can't speak for anyone else, but if i ask a question, I AM listening to every answer and thinking on it.

You say you want to understand him. But if there is silence, ehat if he does not want to be understood? You say you have fears about whether you can trust him. What if you cant?

I was just saying I have too often seen women endure being treated like dogmeat rather than deal with the fear of letting go and being alone. Some even saying, "yea, I know he is a jerk and a cheat, but I LOVE him. A submissive should never be that weak. That kind of slavery and submission is not a choice. It is being addicted to a bad influence and Not only is it sad but usually a bad example of how a person should be treated which is a model that is passed on to the children.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to awakenednj)

Post #: 35

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 6:41:16 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
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This is so deja vu.

Let me guess: In the beginning he told you how important honesty and communication are, and he assured you that as long as you approach him with respect you can raise any issue you want. Am I close?

My educated guess is that you are inadvertantly challenging him by raising this issue (whatever it is) and he is showing you that he can't or won't deal with this issue. So, where does that leave you?

I don't know the guy, but in my experience this is what some doms do when they aren't capable of manning up to the plate and taking care and/or responsibility for the situations they create or are involved in. And they obscure this behavior as somehow acceptable under the context of dominance and submission. I'd run to the nearest exit if I were you. It might be hard to do that right now, but the more invested you get, the harder it's going to be later on. And in the meantime, tho you may not realize it, you're becoming trained to eat shit. It's hard sometimes to see a line of demarcation between submission and the compromising of your self-respect, when you're that close to it. And that line is different for everyone, and for some, it's even non-existant. All I can say is if it FEELS wrong (to you), then it IS wrong.

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I give good agita.

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Post #: 36

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 9:12:13 AM

antipode

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You define for me what a "dom-type" is, and I'll think of a fitting answer.

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Post #: 37

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 9:20:02 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
but in my experience this is what some doms do when they aren't capable of manning up to the plate and taking care and/or responsibility for the situations they create or are involved in. And they obscure this behavior as somehow acceptable under the context of dominance and submission. I'd run to the nearest exit if I were you. It might be hard to do that right now, but the more invested you get, the harder it's going to be later on. And in the meantime, tho you may not realize it, you're becoming trained to eat shit. It's hard sometimes to see a line of demarcation between submission and the compromising of your self-respect, when you're that close to it. And that line is different for everyone, and for some, it's even non-existant. All I can say is if it FEELS wrong (to you), then it IS wrong.

Perhaps that's the main goal. Treat someone like shit and if their self esteem is so low and they don't run then the dom has em and has em good. A bit of brainwashing on top of it to make em think that they are so lucky to have such a wonderful uber dom that they don't realize how badly they're being treated. Instead they're just thankful.

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Post #: 38

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 9:20:08 AM

awakenednj

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

You define for me what a "dom-type" is, and I'll think of a fitting answer.

was only meant as a humourous recognition of how little I know... including of labels...

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 39

RE: What does silence really say? - 4/12/2008 9:35:33 AM

MissMorrigan

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Awakened, it's easy for us to read the small amount of information you have provided and then offer our pearls of wisdom, although I have to say that I'm sure that if a little more information was provided those pearls of wisdom would likely alter. My boy is rather impulsive, he's quick to jump in when something bothers him and he wants answers NOW. I am always willing and open to discuss ANY issue with my boy - when I want us to do this. If he has asked me something and I've told him that we will discuss it at a later time only for him to request an answer again, he'll be met with silence. This is not passive/aggressive behaviour. He knows the issue will be discussed, but when I feel we are ready to do this and not b/c he demands it. I cannot say either way whether your dominant is engaging in passive/aggressive behaviour, and nor can anyone else given the scant details provided which are omitting an important factor - your dominant's input.

As for my own boy, he's learning to be more patient and that's been difficult for him, but achievable. I'm not saying you lack patience, only you can know this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj
Do you Dom-types know how hard it is to buck up the courage to say "No" to you once ya got us? Well, at least it is for me...

Thanks for the responses so far... please keep them coming...

Do you know how hard it is to stay true to your authority and what you feel is best for the long term of the relationship knowing full well she could be seriously deciding to end it because she can't just be patient for awhile?

No- I dont... and that is exactly the sort of thing I'd LIKE to know...

What about you LA- have you ever used silence with a purpose? did it work? What were you trying to get across?

I would be very happy to be patient if I was sure of him... or if he would give me some indication that he does have things well-in-hand or something like that. I did not post this after 1 day of silence.

_____________________________

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A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to awakenednj)

Post #: 40

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