awakenednj
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quote:
ORIGINAL: julietsierra
I have some questions for you.
1) Does he then bring the topic up at a later date?
2) Does he shut you out or is he listening to what you say without making comments?
3) When he changes subjects, is this at a time when voices begin to be raised or the energy in the room begins to feel negative?
Cause if it's any of these three things, it might not be that he's unwilling to hear/discuss things you have to say.
What you're describing is pretty close to how we deal with things. It doesn't mean he's not listening. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means (in our situation) that a) he's heard me and is thinking about what I've said. b) It can mean that he's heard me and it's angered him and he's trying to both figure out why AND determine if what I've said is how he's perceived things. c) It can mean that he's heard me and we'll talk about it later when things aren't so stressed.
In our case, nothing is EVER shoved under the carpet. However, that doesn't mean they're discussed when emotions are high, or one of us is in defensive mode or anything like that.
Our "arguments" such as they are, take place over a period of days, weeks, and sometimes, even months. We get it all discussed, but not necessarily when I want it to be discussed. We talk till one of us gets upset and then we stop. There is no silence, but a definite change of subject. Later on, when both of us are able, the discussion of the difficult subject continues until one of us gets upset and then, again, we stop. And so it goes. Eventually, we reach a point where we're in agreement with each other, but outsiders looking in would probably say we're engaging in silence and topic avoidance. Fortunately for the both of us, we can do things this way.
I don't know your situation, but might things be happening something like this? That's something you'll have to answer for yourselves. It might help to discuss discussions instead of difficult issues amongst yourselves just so you understand what's happening. Don't accuse.. just inquire in passing how he sees difficult subjects being dealt with, and go from there.
But above all, in my opinion, before you know, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If the discussions are difficult, before you discuss difficult topics, you're going to have to reach an understanding of how discussions themselves are carried out. It might save your relationship.
Of course, what do I know? I'm one of those people who, when we first met, paid more attention to the silence and how that felt with him than I did to our conversation. If silence is uncomfortable and one of us feels the need to fill every moment with conversation, then I'm put off. I loved that we ate most of our dinner in silence and that the silence felt like a friend, and not uncomfortable at all. Throughout the years, silence has become something we treasure - it's full of the sound of our affection for each other and that works for me.
Good luck.
juliet
As it turns out (and what i didnt realize the weekend i was completely panicing and writing this post) part of the problem was a good bit how you describe. He was overwhelmed with things that had nothing to do with me that i was unaware of, and also had an issue with me that he was deciding how to handle. ::laughs that i can talk about this so calmly now::
We have a better understanding of each other now. Its a little crazy to me that I trust him more becuase of the way he handles his own errors... because he's not afraid that they happen... There has been no silence since that weekend. (Thank God!) And now that i know my own error bothered him so much, I wont be repeating that either...
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RE: What does silence really say? - 
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Has anyone ever told you you're a smart ass????? 
RE: What does silence really say? - 
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