RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime

RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (Full Version)

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SteelofUtah -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 3:38:43 PM)
I want to offer you comfort but I am unable. I feel what you did was dangerous and you are LUCKY. He could have killed you, or Beat you, or Robbed you, or anything else I hear about on the lifetime channel. I am not going to berate you because you know the danger you put yourself in. I only wish to offer you this little bit of advise. Is finding someone to play with worth your Life? Is it worth your Integrity? Is it worth your self respect? If you can answer no to all or any of these questions then you have to understand that the YOU part of the equasion was somehow subtracted out and you allowed yourself to become a good time when what you wanted was to be someones lifetime. NOW It is OKAY to have Sex Partners but you should know that they are safe and that there is a common interest in it just being for that purpose. I mean andi and I have a few "Fun Time" partners, ones we know are clean and respectable and we know they are interested in Sex and only Sex. Maybe you need to prioritize your life hun. I feel for you, I am sad you ended up in the situation you did but mostly I am Hopeing that you LEARNED something from this. If you got his real name and Licsence plate number you may want to write it down because while in the shower he could have cased the joint to come back. Check all windows and locks to your place and if you can afford it change the front door lock if he access to any spare keys. Hopefully this is over now, but it could get much worse so protect yourself now that you know what is going on. Steel

raisedonsunshine -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 3:49:35 PM)
I also have a problem relating to the "references" and recommendation thing. Actually, that would scare me if I were to meet a man who handed me a list of all of the women he's Dommed and wanting me to call them so I know he's okay and not going to kill me or amputate a limb or something. I'm not into the uber experienced dominant. Sometimes I think there is too much emphasis in the lifestyle on meeting up to scene and play that the human feeling aspect is not taken into consideration. And people get hurt, because the other party assumes that everyone in the lifestyle is just into casual liasions. Maybe some people need to date first.

Wiccaninblack -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:18:18 PM)
Adrian, TRUER words were never spoken!! Respectfully, Rebecca

submyt -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:26:18 PM)
cali-still in a state of shock myself. trying to beleive the unbelieveable

Missokyst -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:29:20 PM)
See.. for me I think I would have learned my lesson with the first one. There would have been no freakin way I would have opened my legs, mouth, cheeks, for the fuck, duck and run guy. Maybe you should consider not playing on a first meet? I don't think there is any way of warning other subs about those guys. Who knows, maybe those guys are looking for someone to turn them down a few times. Kyst

colouredin -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:30:11 PM)
Gosh there are some twats out there eh, I am so sorry hun it sucks, obviously something is going wrong but without being you or knowing you I wouldnt really have a clue what to advise, yeah go slower and yeah meet a few times publically all that jazz, I guess most of the people I have met have been known by other people I know, also I never have people to my home due to the fact that I live with my dad. I dont know what to recomend in terms of the lying, maybe its just down to bad luck always comes in threes as they say.

submyt -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:36:35 PM)
Just for the record, Miss...i never said that with the first two anything happened. For the record, we had quite a number of vanilla dates in public places. Nothing physical. And the first guy...was an extremely fantastic liar. Walk two moons in someone else's moccasins before determining how much better you are than they.

submyt -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:38:10 PM)
thank you so far to all who have posted...i appreciate the support and the advice S

colouredin -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:41:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: submyt Just for the record, Miss...i never said that with the first two anything happened. For the record, we had quite a number of vanilla dates in public places. Nothing physical. And the first guy...was an extremely fantastic liar. Walk two moons in someone else's moccasins before determining how much better you are than they. Wouldnt have made a differance if you did hun, I know people that have done and have never had problems, hell I have played with people first time I have met them. You dont have to justify it to anyone but yourself really. All you need to do is think about what happened, what type of people they were, its similar to my recent thought that I am attracted to emotionally crippled self involved idiots. Maybe something about them is similar and thats the thing you have to look out for, you need to be maybe a bit more self aware? Dont suddenly assume everyone is going to be that way, just maybe look for people outside your normal see how that goes?

cjan -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 4:45:00 PM)
OP, as some others have suggested, go slowly. Get to know someone and build a relationship before you considering dropping your knickers. This approach is prudent in BDSM just as it is in "vanilla" relationships. Going slowly and getting to know someone is sure to discourage the boys who are just looking for a quicky, or worse. But it still won't guarantee someone's behavior in the future. Protect yourself at all times. No one else will, untill you find your true One.

Gemini1766 -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 5:01:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: adrian28 These guys are not Doms. More to the point they're just predators. I'm sorry you had to go through this and hope you're not completely jaded by these incidents. I wouldn't want their karma but, I'm sure karma want them. I agree, this kind of person is a preditor, and Karma will have the final say. quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo I believe a person's character is a person's character no matter who they are dealing with. In other words, I don't believe someone is kind and considerate with some people but dishonorable with others. If this person is dishonorable, he will be dishonorable with the next girl as well, but she will have to find out for herself. Women always think that the guy is going to be different with her, that she's somehow special or he sees her differently than he saw the others, etc. But they have to learn the old fashioned way, just like you did. Experience is the only real teacher, and you just can't save the world. mariToo is very correct in what she says. Women have a horrid tendency to build a man up because they are so hopeful that he will be the one. Most the time, it bites them in the ass. We are human, we're not gods. We make mistakes, we are just as capable of using a woman as a woman is of using us. Lose the pedistal and get out the chair and gun and learn to fend them off like a lion tamer. Submyt, listen to the feelings of unease. No matter how insignificant they are. If you have any reason to doubt, then get the hell out. Get to know yourself better. Learn how to listen to and trust your internal feelings. And run when they start sounding "General Quarters! Battle Stations!"

xxblushesxx -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 5:45:39 PM)
Get home phone numbers, and make sure you are welcome to call at any (reasonable) time day or night. Cell phones don't count. Visit their home. Get to know their friends and their neighbors and their dog. Slowwwww Dowwwwwn! These people you met weren't doms, they were just guys taking advantage of a vulnerable person.

laura2161 -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 5:53:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: submyt After talking for a bit via forums, eamil and phone, He came to visit for the weekend. we really seemed to hit it off...or so i thought...through conversation, laughter, as well as physical interaction. Then, it seems he "got what he came for"...told me to take a shower b4 we would go to lunch. That's when he packed his bag and split. And to think he asked me where the gas station was this morning... I am so sorry you are hurting. The only 'good' that can come out of this is at least you were able to see him for who he really was, NOW, instead of later when you were more emotionally invested in him. I have a 'stupid' rule for myself. I never remove any clothing on a first meet. No sex, no hard play. Maybe a bit of teasing ,kisses, a couple of hair pulls or face slaps but thats where I draw the line for a first meet. Believe me there have been times when I wanted SO BADLY to say the hell with my stupid rule, but I didnt, and at the end of the day I was glad and had no regrets. I'm not saying you should do the same thing (We all know he could easily come back for a second or third meet, fuck ya, and then 'poof' on you anyway) But for me it seems to weed out the ones that just want to fuck you, play and beat you, and then leave you. (I looked at your profile, we are the same age) If you feel like chatting or emailing, My email is open. And again, I do feel for you. Laura

CalifChick -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 5:59:38 PM)
Submyt: There are numerous ways he could have handled this better. You can feel pretty confident he's not casing your house, he didn't steal from you, etc. Please don't get worked up into thinking there is anything horrendous and dangerous going on. It's easy for you to assume the worst, and it's easy for others here to assume the worst and fuel your fears. Next time just meet for an afternoon beverage at a coffeehouse or something, and figure out if there is anything there before moving on to activity that involves removing clothing or going to your house. Cali

Daddysredhead -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 6:03:36 PM)
Sorry, submyt. That just stinks. Too bad you can't stick a "Danger" sign on their backs, neon flashing lights...

LadyHibiscus -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 6:09:33 PM)
Sorry this happened to you. Take a deep breath, and re-evaluate. I wish there was some way we could warn each other of the various yokels out there. There are a few men on these boards, both dom and sub, who are utter liars and manipulators in real life experience. (yes, MY real life experience). All we can do is talk to each other in private about what happens to us.

windchymes -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 6:15:46 PM)
Stop thinking of potentials as "Doms"...they're humans, they're men, and they're picking up quickie dates in a kinky adult personal site. By agreeing to meet them for a weekend romp after only knowing they for a couple weeks (!?!), sorry, but you're just giving it to them. Slow down, make them earn your trust, treat you with respect before you ever meet. Then, when you do meet, meet like "people" do, not how "Doms and subs" do. Have coffee, have lunch, see a movie even. Making someone wait to have you will help weed out who's just out for a quickie from who's really serious about wanting a relationship with YOU, not just with what's between your legs. You now have learned that this does happen, and it happens frequently. Try to learn from it. There's a lot of good advice already posted on taking your time and not rushing into the fun stuff so quickly.

biotch -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 6:25:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: metalmiss It can't be done.. As far as other girl's might be concerned it could just be sour grapes.. it could be that the person warning other girls away has some kind of motive.. It could be any number of things.. But if they don't know you, there are 2 sides to every story, and it would just cause them to question you. Having been in a similar position myself as far as wanting to warn the innocent and naive out there about a certain man who was once in my life.. i had similar thoughts. But i was forced to come to the conclusion that it isn't my job to warn others, because i would only be painted as somebody with an axe to grind, and not be believed anyway.. We each have our own lessons to learn. So my advice would be to learn and move on. I agree completely. Even if you do warn other women, in the long run they may lose the lesson that you learned

submyt -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 6:56:46 PM)
I am hereby requesting that this forum be closed. I thank you for your words of advice, and yes, we can all learn not to act in haste. The Dom in question may have made a quick decision; we have discussed the whys and wherefores. To include him in the category with the losers and vultures of the D/s world would be innappropriate and hurtful, and for that, I do apologize to him.

GreedyTop -> RE: how to warn others/ deal with asshole Doms in realtime (4/12/2008 7:00:31 PM)
quick thought (as has been said many times before) the guys that were wankers (without argument, I think) to her, may be the dreamboats for others. hugs submyt... I hope you find YOUR dreamboat sooner than later and without more of these unfortunate derailments on your journey

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