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RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 5:21:30 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sslaveO

Do you think it is not submissive for a slave to seek a Dom/me who doesn't particularly do or like an activity that said slave doesn't like?
For example, say a slave doesn't enjoy a lot of sexual acts themselves. Would it be not so submissive to turn down a Dom/me who wants a lot of intimate sex from their slave? Or if a slave thinks golden showers are gross, the slave wouldn't say no, but the slave looks for a Dom/me who isn't into g/s on a regular basis, does that make the person not so much a slave?

These are just two random examples by the way, not per se particular to me (in case one was wondering).


Not only do I think it is ok for a wouldbe slave or sub to seek out someone with similar limits and interests but I think it is one of the key components of highly successful Ds dynamics.

Just don't have so many limits and dislikes that you limit yourself out of the market so to speak.

Figure out what are your hard limits and what are you required components of a Ds dynamic and then use that to help you sort through various potentials. I think it is ok by the way to explore things on a casual level, too, when you are starting out to test what you think are limits and desires -- doing often gives us more insight than just thinking or reading about it especially with neutral or borderline things.

Also realize that you will change over time.

Here's an example from my current dynamic. When I first took on Fox to train I knew that knives were a hard limit for him. As long as it was only training (I've written about what that means in my household) it wasn't that big of a deal. However after a few months Fox went and got one of my knives and presented it to me with a statement of both fear and trust. Had he not done that, I would never have gone on to own him though I think we would have continued to be friends. Why? Knife play is one of my favorite activities and unless someone trusts me that much I don't see us making that move to ownership. Did Fox know that? I never told him though he may have sensed it. All I know is that knife play remains on his hard limit list for everyone else except me. If we had both allowed that activity to dictate a casual start we would never be in the current arrangement we are not so I'm glad we both were not in that "must have one-and-only" mindset and took those months to grow.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 8:01:14 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sslaveO

I am not talking about someone just jumping and serving the first emailer.  I am talking about an intelligent slave who seeks out the right Dom/me and situation for him/her.

 
If they were the RIGHT dominant for you and you for them then your likes and dislikes would be similar. Why would you want to be with someone that is into things you hate?? that makes no frigging sense at all. Would you go buy a $300,000 house just because you think you should like it even though you can't stand the floorplan or the neighbourhood??
 
If you are with someone and you are not compatible with in your needs and desires all that is going to do is cause you or the Dominant to resent the other and become angy and fustrated.
 
quote:

 
I also am talking about a slave who is seeking to be a completely owned slave and is controlled in every facet of his/her life.  Hard limits stated... some things are not a hard limit but are completely undesirable to the slave.


If you are going to be in such a situation or relationship then you DAMN well better besure that your limits/desires/needs are as close to the dominants as humanly possible or you could end up in a seriously messed up situation.
 
I don't believe in such a thing as "No limits" except in the sense of " No limits except the dominants"
 
I will reiterated again... If you are with a partner that loves something you can't stand you will be extremely resentful towards the Dominant and the Dominant will become resentful and angry with the fact that you continuously react badly or unenthusiastically when that action or actions come to play.

< Message edited by akisha -- 4/16/2008 8:03:25 AM >

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(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 8:34:24 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smoothicen

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going after it...slave or otherwise.

Everyone seeks compatibility and you'd be doing yourself and your master a serious diservice if you know that you're mis-matched yet choose to be their slave anyway.


I agree 100% here greatly stated, great post

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Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to Smoothicen)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 8:42:57 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

If it's not ok to decide who to get into a relationship to, you'd be forced to be with the first person who would take you in- no matter whether they were dominant, or sexual or anything.

The fact that you get to choose anything shows you can choose everything.  That's that whole informed consent thing.


Exactly!

It isn't really all that complicated.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 9:01:58 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		~~Fast Reply --- only read the OP~~

quote:

ORIGINAL: sslaveO

Do you think it is not submissive for a slave to seek a Dom/me who doesn't particularly do or like an activity that said slave doesn't like? 
For example, say a slave doesn't enjoy a lot of sexual acts themselves.  Would it be not so submissive to turn down a Dom/me who wants a lot of intimate sex from their slave?  Or if a slave thinks golden showers are gross, the slave wouldn't say no, but the slave looks for a Dom/me who isn't into g/s on a regular basis, does that make the person not so much a slave?
 
These are just two random examples by the way, not per se particular to me (in case one was wondering).


This is the POINT of the choice made by the submissive to surrender to a Dominant.

A slave/sub/bottom/little girl/pet/fuck you/rubber duckie they all get to choose WHO they will get used by and also choose the proper dynamic for them. This is why in reality the power dynamic starts off in reverse as trust and desire must be discovered. It is because of the chect thumping control freaks who have helped to creat the idea that a "TWUE" sub surrenders herself the the Dominance not the Desires of a Master...... blah blah fucking blah! Horse Shit!

A relationship is whatever the two in it want it to be so if YOU personally believe that a slave should not look for a Master who WON'T pee on her then that is YOUR reality. Personally I know that I am into some rather hard core Kinky sexual things. If Fact I am into a few things that can get me Deported and I was Born in the US so you know I was a slave to do her homework. It I am into something that makes her skin crawl, no matter how much we may like each other unless one of us is willing to change that part of us or the way we react to that situation that I can with certainty that this is going to end with someone getting thier feelings hut when the other snaps.

SO Hun if you don't like the Idea of a Master ramming his Cock into your every orifice before peeing on your tits then it is okay to make sure you look for a Master who isn't going to do that.

Hope that helps

Just my Two cents in a sea of pocket change.

Steel

_____________________________

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 9:06:30 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

What sort of dominant would want someone with no standards and who would submit to a firehydrant if it had its first letter capitalized...


I know you aren't new so please tell me you do know where you are and that this kind of thingt happens here DAILY.

Some guys think BDSM means Bitches Devoted to Stupid Men. They fit the bill and in all Honesty there are plenty of women who fit it as well.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 9:10:58 AM   
MladyHathor


Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		If you are SEEKING--no---be very specific in what you want and need in your search mode----once you have agreed to a Dom/ina--at that point-- all bets are off---so don't nod yes--when the answer-- is no way.
 
 

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The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 9:19:16 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		My first thought is I was a slave because that is how he defined me.  I had to read your question a few times to understand exactly what you were asking. 

But, right or wrong.  My personal goal is to find someone close enough to my own dislikes and likes both inside and outside the lifestyle to bond with.

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I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 12:02:22 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

What sort of dominant would want someone with no standards


A lame one who's incapable of dominating someone with standards.



_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 12:30:54 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		My answer is no different from many others.  As long as you are in "finding" mode, you have the right to determine what you like, what you hate, what you love, what you would crawl through fire ants to have.  As long as you are in "discussion and negotiation" mode, you have the right...indeed, one could see it as a duty so that clear understanding is had by the one you are negotiating with...to make all of this clear to a prospective dominant/Master/Mistress.  I agree with Lady Hathor...do not say "yes" to something just because the dominant is perfect in every other single way.  Because...with Murphy's Law being what it is...that is the first thing that dominant is going to want to do with you.  You noted that you are not that much into sexuality...say yes or be non-committal about it during negotiation and it is almost guaranteed that he/she is going to want to do something sexually with you and with the way the universe loves to laugh at us, it is going to be whatever there is in the sexual realm that you find most disgusting.

There is always going to be something left out of negotiation...tis the way of the world and of human nature.  We cannot remember everything and you have the right, during negotiation, to ask that IF something comes up that has not been discussed that you have the ability to stop what is going on and call for discussion before the activity proceeds further.

I want a partner who is close to what I want and desire on the deeper and more important levels...whether or not she likes watching hot rod shows on T. V. is not all that relevant but whether or not she views family in a manner similar to my own is...I've already been the route of trying to force rough edges into a smoother hole.  It doesn't work without more work than it is sometimes worth. 


(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 4:52:00 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I have never subscribed to the theory that you prove yourself submissive by doing tons of stuff you hate. But I prefer a win-win situation where we both wind up happy at the end of the day. And for me, that requires a lot of compatibility

  Amen to that!  I couldn't agree more..............luci


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RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 4:58:27 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		This question seems to most of us to be rhetorical. Unfortunately I have read posts on a different forum that argued the opposite. A dominant who claimed that unless the sub was doing something she hated, she wasn't really submitting, she was just selfishly indulging her own pleasure.

I found great if unworthy satisfaction when his slave/wife parted from him a year later. He went out of his way to make her miserable, never giving her anything enjoyable and then bemoaned the fact that she obviously wasn't a true slave or she would have stayed. Some people don't get it if you hit them with a clue by four.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 6:11:42 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

What sort of dominant would want someone with no standards and who would submit to a firehydrant if it had its first letter capitalized...



hehehehehe

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 6:26:04 PM   
Aynne


Posts: 740
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		Well, not to argue semantics, but I identify with the term submissive not slave, but I digress....When I met my Master there were things that I had absolutely identified in my head as no way never, but because I love him, and he is patient, kind and loving, and my desire to be with him overrides my disdain for things I may have had in my head as a hard limit that I opened my mind and was at least willing to be open with him.  Some things that I thought I would hate have actually now become very very hot to me.  I think that if you find the right Master and he is willing to explain to you why something means so much to him and does not force the issue and has very open loving communication you may be willing to at least consider different things for him.  Of course if it is something  that makes you feel badly about yourself or you feel that you are trading your morals and/or ethical beliefs, then no.  It should always be something that you in the end are okay with.  I guess I am saying keep an open mind and  trust in  your Master and always in yourself.  Hope that helps! 
quote:

ORIGINAL: sslaveO

I am not talking about someone just jumping and serving the first emailer.  I am talking about an intelligent slave who seeks out the right Dom/me and situation for him/her.
 
I also am talking about a slave who is seeking to be a completely owned slave and is controlled in every facet of his/her life.  Hard limits stated... some things are not a hard limit but are completely undesirable to the slave.


_____________________________

*Yes I know I have no profile at this time...

I looked in your eyes
Without saying a word
I told you what I am
And I hoped that you heard

~Owned and Loved by Master Sifu~

*founder of I Love Lushy Inc.*

(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 6:35:27 PM   
hotandhappy


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline 		Check out the word"slave".  If you decide to be with a "Master", then that pretty much says it.  If you decide (and can you, if you're a "slave") then leave. . . . but don't try to change the "Master".

(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 6:47:08 PM   
Aynne


Posts: 740
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		Um, I am glad you first post was to bitch at me re: semantics:)  Seriously, I didn't try and change the Master, he changed me. But thanks for your input.

_____________________________

*Yes I know I have no profile at this time...

I looked in your eyes
Without saying a word
I told you what I am
And I hoped that you heard

~Owned and Loved by Master Sifu~

*founder of I Love Lushy Inc.*

(in reply to hotandhappy)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/16/2008 7:11:25 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softpjOS

quote:

ORIGINAL: sslaveO

I also am talking about a slave who is seeking to be a completely owned slave and is controlled in every facet of his/her life.  Hard limits stated... some things are not a hard limit but are completely undesirable to the slave.


What I'm taking from this quote is you're asking about boundries being pushed and what if you discover it's not just something you don't like but something you find yourself completely repulsed by?

Again, it comes back to honest, clear comminucation and consent.  

Within my relationship, Mistress had me fill out this impossibly long check list of activities.  I mean a LONG list.  Many of the things on that list i had no idea what they were, some i listed as umm ok, i'll try it, others i said oh HELL no!   The only hard limits i listed were things that i felt crossed moral lines with me. 

Years later, Mistress had me look at that list again and compare my answers then to now.  What an eye opener.  Many things i said "Oh hell no" to are now "special treats" lol.  Some things i truly thought i'd be ok with are (for now) off limits. 

As the relationship grows, trust builds and you find yourself willing to try new things, things you swore you'd never want to try.  And you may discover things you can't handle.  No matter how a new experience works out, you must be willing and able to communciate your feelings on it.  Nothing is set in stone unless you allow it to be.




I would love to learn more about your transformation, for my own knowledge in managing subs.  Would you be willing to pm me on it?

Paradox


_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/17/2008 4:57:08 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Don't worry about what you are, just focus on  who you are, and find someone who makes you happy.

(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/17/2008 6:27:38 AM   
pinkwind


Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sslaveO

Do you think it is not submissive for a slave to seek a Dom/me who doesn't particularly do or like an activity that said slave doesn't like?
For example, say a slave doesn't enjoy a lot of sexual acts themselves. Would it be not so submissive to turn down a Dom/me who wants a lot of intimate sex from their slave? Or if a slave thinks golden showers are gross, the slave wouldn't say no, but the slave looks for a Dom/me who isn't into g/s on a regular basis, does that make the person not so much a slave?

These are just two random examples by the way, not per se particular to me (in case one was wondering).



Most of us seek out people that they are compatible with, who have similar likes and dislikes as themselves. Through getting to know each other, discussions and working out the dynamic of the relationship, be it Dom/sub, or Master/slave we tend to talk about our dislikes as much as our likes, and that is how it should be.

i do not believe there is a totally "no limits" human being, so i do not believe that it is any less submissive to be able to say if something grosses you out. What it takes on both parties side is some give and take. i am here to serve my Master, but in doing so he does not want to traumatise me by expecting me to do something that is beyond my physical or emotional boundaries.

Having said that, i am here to make him happy, which means that i will discuss my feelings honestly, and after due consideration he will decide whether or not to ignore my boundaries, help me push them in a well thought out manner, or whether to say that we will not go there.

i have found over time that by being honest with my feelings, and by us carefully exploring an issue we can overcome almost all the obstacles that i have put in the way of an activity by finding out that it isn't as bad as i though, and by seeing the immense pleasure i have given my Master in the trying, and the conquering of a limitation.

But at the end of the day, i know i was found by someone who is compatible with me, and who does not see it as un-Masterful not to do everything in the BDSM world, just because he is a Dominant, and by the same token does not expect me to do everything that anyone could possibly think to do to another human being just because i happen to be submissive.



(in reply to sslaveO)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: When a slave hates something... - 4/17/2008 6:40:56 AM   
Floggings4You


Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline 		I once had a long conversation with a female slave.  she had been with her Master for several years, and explained that she was most turned on by pleasing Him, period.  she said that He occasionally did ask her to do things that He knew she did not enjoy at all.  Still, she engaged in those acts because she knew how much it pleased Him for her to do so.  Pleasing Him brought her pleasure, even if the particular activities in question did not. 
 
Granted, this was something T/they had developed over a long relationship, and He knew how far He could push her, and only after He had earned her complete trust. 
 
I don't think subs or slaves should start out looking for a Dom or Master to push them to do things they don't enjoy.  I think its best to look for People who, for the most part, like the same things.  
 
But, over time, with the right Partner (and with a great deal of care, respect, and trust) one might find one's limits pushed far beyond one's perceived 'comfort zone'--
 
--and one might find that one actually likes serving in such a fashion!    

< Message edited by Floggings4You -- 4/17/2008 6:42:56 AM >

(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 40
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