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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/17/2008 6:12:55 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

yes but what im going for...is...the old saying.....that we end up being just like our parents. 


Oh God NO!!!   With me my parents' influence must have backfired.   Or I was so hell bent on not being like my parents.  

Like Cali, I believe that dominance and submission are not learned traits.


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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/17/2008 6:16:51 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		My mother was domineering, not dominant.
She raised one dominant, one submissive and one doormat.

We all had the same mother, raised in the same house... just different responses.

And yes, I was the only one that ever had the "balls" to argue with her.

Lady Jag



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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/17/2008 6:52:04 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		I disagree as well,  my father was dominant but I still an basically submissive, he did not scare me but as I became older it caused me to become rebellious due to his rigidness. My rebellion was not about lack of submission  but because I believed his treatment was unfair

With raising my son I was more nuturing but as he became a teen he became very headstrong and decided to severely test the waters, so I had to set very  firm boundaries and allow him the choice of following or been shown to the door.... tough love and allowing him to learn from his mistakes by letting him fall if he decided not to follow the rules in the end it taught him to become more responsible,,, it did not change the nature of who he is. It was not done by me to assert dominance over him but out of love because he was heading  down the wrong path in life and I wanted him to know early before too late if he took that path it wopuld come with consequences, minor at the time compared to what he would face later if he did not learn the lesson.


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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/17/2008 8:16:18 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		You can't throw me in the street... I'd quit and run away.
I left home at 14.  Perhaps your theory has merit? 

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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/17/2008 10:09:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well all parent/child dynamics can/do shape our personalities and personal expressions of who we are.  But I don't think it really changes the orientation itself.

I'm sorry you created some false expectations about what kink was and what to use it for.  But now you have the freedom and beauty of the truth- that you will always be "not normal" that kink is no place to find acceptance because that will only be within yourself and that kinky people are just like everyone else.

Embrace the truths and you will be that much closer to finding yourself.

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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/17/2008 10:15:15 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		We didn't get that treatment. But we somehow just knew that one did not disobey our parents. These were our adoptive parents; our biological parents apparently just kind of let life happen to them.

When I was 5 or 6, though, my brother convinced me that our adoptive parents could send me back to the orphanage if I didn't behave.

pip, oh, yeah - I'm submissive

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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/17/2008 11:10:42 PM   
SlaveSimone


Posts: 95
Joined: 3/17/2008
From: Denver, Co
Status: offline 		  The debate over nurture vs. nature is always interesting. i really don't believe its ever just one or the other. There may be some out there who are just naturally submissive or dominant, and some who aren't.  Often times we humans are attracted to the familiar, so to me, it seems more likely that a person with dominant parents would end up submissive, as that role would be familiar and comfortable for them at first glance. Obviously there is no one rule that can apply to everyone, just as with most everything.
my parents had a very indirect role in me becoming a submissive, and i have always been anything but receptive to them pulling "my house, my rules" crap with me.  In fact, they are two of the few people that i have never felt compelled to please on most accounts.

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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 1:40:29 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

because i am your mother and you will listen to your mother or i will throw you out on the street.



Just because she's your mother doesn't give her carte blanche to run amok.

She has a duty to raise her children to cope with the world; her children have a duty to challenge her when she's not producing the goods.

Personally, I would never ignore my mother; nor would I allow her the room to act like a dictator. Fair's fair as the saying goes.

That to me sounds like an overbearing mother, and for your own sake you have to address that situation - although I wouldn't recommend ignoring her.

In terms of creating a dominant, I wouldn't know because by and large my mother is straight down the line and has more respect for herself than to act like a fool.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 5:14:21 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		As I was raised in the 50/60 era I can concur with the op that beatings at home and in school were common . As far as the beatings went I got immune to them. I was thrown out of the house at 16. I had to lie about my age to get a job and an apartment. As far as it making me Dominant I would say no. I was considered a quiet shy person. I would take a lot of verbal abuse form people who did't really know me. I guess that you would consider that being submissive. The thing with that was I would walk away crying and get to thinking screw this and turn around and grab that person and beat the shit out of them. Mmmm passive aggressive I guess. 

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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 5:26:43 AM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		i hope we don't all turn into our parents ...so far i've avoided becoming like my now dead drug-addict mother, my alcoholic step mom, and my religious-zealout, overly controlling adopted mother. 

i don't think my raising made me submissive and it certainly didn't nurture it in a good way.  as a kid, i did everything i could to keep the waters calm and avoid beatings etc.  i was miserable in my efforts to make some people in my life happy...well they never were happy and i'm just recently figuring out that submissiveness doesn't equal being miserable.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 5:31:05 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think so. My Mom used to threaten this and I just ignored her. She always was the overly emotional type and would say something then later regret it. Of course she never apologized for what she said, she just expected you to overlook it.

I do think that environment does play a big role in whether a person is Dom/sub/switch, but I don't think Mama's threats had much to do with my role.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 5:49:22 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar
As I was raised in the 50/60 era I can concur with the op that beatings at home and in school were common .


I was raised at the same time and we weren't hit at home or at school. Neither the public school nor either of the private schools I attended used corporal punishment.

At home, we were just talked to death!

We discussed the reasons why they had the rules they did, which weren't many, all of which made sense. We may have not liked the end result but we understood why which makes an enormous difference.

My teen is now up to the cosmetic portion of his orthodontry and he doesn't want the braces. But I explained that he only gets one chance to make a first impression and frankly his teeth are so crooked that they make a bad impression. He thinks it's unfair that such a thing as this could impact his ability to be hired or promoted in life, but he understands life isn't fair and that he needs this work for the future. He's resigned to the braces because he understands why, and that's all that matters.

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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 5:55:55 AM   
lvlychaos


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline 		I have to say.. my mother is a real.. well mother.. but she is also one of the people I'm closest to on this planet.. as far as becoming her.. well that probally wouldn't be the best thing because of impending world doom and all that.. also.. she isn't submissive..at all... I did learn strength and character from her.. but um.. yeah. Also, when ever I go home.. that rule applies.. along with the "do  what I say not what I do" one...

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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 6:04:53 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

because i am your mother and you will listen to your mother or i will throw you out on the street.

does this way of parenting have any affect on creating a future dominant?


The question is seeking a too simple answer for a complex equation.  Whether anything creates a future dominant or submissive depends in part on how that experience is perceived.  How things are perceived, at least in a social contexts, depends a great deal on past experience.

So... would such parenting behavior create a future dominant... possibly, if the individual in past experience had also experienced a mother who caved in after such threats and then complied with whatever the child wanted... that might create a tyrant of a dominant who enjoys brats... or not.

But suppose the mother always prevailed, forcing the child into submission... if the child's perception was that there was no escape from the authority and that it was better to concede... that might create a submissive of some sort.

Or it might do nothing of the sort... there are just too many other variables to consider.  You'd have to take the entirety of an individual's childhood into consideration, look at all the strong influences on their life to even have a chance of answering the question.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 8:37:55 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:


That to me sounds like an overbearing mother, and for your own sake you have to address that situation - although I wouldn't recommend ignoring her.


it has nothing to do with my mother...it was just a general issue that is obviously very common as you can see in the replies... "my mother was like this...but..."

and to add to other points....it is often said that if a person is beaten up or abused then they will become the beater/abuser.  so if your treated a certain way by your mother wouldnt you also be that way to someone you know?


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RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 8:40:56 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		faery not true. I am far from an abuser. My mother was a holler. It is rare for me to raise my voice. I think that spoiled kids are more likely to become abusers.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 9:04:32 AM   
LadyRainfire


Posts: 6040
Joined: 2/20/2008
Status: offline 		I agree, Dnomyar. I come from a less than ideal home, ok, so it was pretty crappy. and I'm nothing like my parents. I don't drink (they're both alcoholics), I don't hit my monsters (a term of affection around here) and they aren't abused. We joke, laugh, have a good time and for the most part, I have pretty good monsters. Does this reflect my upbringing? Only in the lessons that I learned as a child of "How Not To Raise Children" and "I will NOT let my children grow up this way".

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 9:39:58 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		well for the abuse part i was just using what i hear in the news about someone who is a sexual abuser or physical abuser....

most of them have history of being abused from their parents.


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I did not reply to your cmail.
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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 10:15:31 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Actually most children of abusers/addicts become very passive and extreme people pleasers, who find it extremely difficult to do any sort of  introspection.

A smaller chunk do internalize and reflect the abuse in their own relationships by being abusive themselves unfortunately.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: You'll do as i say... - 4/18/2008 10:20:38 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

it has nothing to do with my mother...it was just a general issue that is obviously very common as you can see in the replies... "my mother was like this...but..."
 


I know.

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

so if your treated a certain way by your mother wouldnt you also be that way to someone you know?



It's possible - learned behaviour et al - but I wouldn't take it as a given. Then again, I'm not exactly qualified in psychiatry - perhaps someone who is can shed some light on the matter.



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I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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